Sunday, September 5


They say that everyone has a secret. I didn’t ever really have any secrets, ever. Sometimes I had a secret crush or I secretly wanted to punch my friend in the face because what they were saying was idiotic but never a true secret. If I had one about a guy it eventually would come out. Who can honestly keep those types of things inside forever when you have a zillion girlfriends and too many drinks? Those are unimportant secrets. I am talking about the kind where it burns at your heart and your soul and your conscience because you know, even if it is deep deep down, that it hurts you, and it hurts the person/people involved, and if anyone ever knew your secret, even more people would be hurt by it. I never had one of these secrets.

I have friends who carry big secrets, and lies. Maybe a few friends know, but they are things that no one can know, because maybe they would get hurt or the friend would get hurt. I have never been a liar or a sneak. You pretty much always know what I am up to. It is not that I have no faults, but my imperfections lie in (many) completely different things. Up until I was 19, which is the age I am now, I never did anything so horrible or sneaky or mean that I felt I needed to lie about it or cover it up, or just say nothing at all. Now I do.

Now I know what you are thinking – what the hell could she be hiding? Honestly.. it probably wouldn’t affect you. Knowing may shock you, but you will never know, because I will never tell. It’s a secret I will take to the grave most likely, or at least until I am married to someone I trust enough to share it with. It won’t affect them and it probably won’t affect how they view me. It was a mistake but a mistake I will never feel okay with.

The point I have been trying to get to is how insane secrets can be. How they can totally set fire to your insides. The fear of someone finding out, the guilt you feel for it. Not all secrets are bad, but they usually are – otherwise, why are you hiding it? Do you have a secret.. where when you think about it, you could totally vomit all over the place? I didn’t until now.

I have learned decently quickly to put it away. To tell myself that yes, I did something I should feel sorry for but I can’t let it hold me forever. It wasn’t the first, and it won’t be the last. I will keep this a secret but I think that.. keeping secrets is mostly a negative thing. If you feel like you are holding something on your shoulders that is too big for you.. let it go. You don’t have to scream it to the world or make a blog about it to be able to let it go (and yes..this is my way of letting it go) but .. write it down, burn it, eat it, tell your dog.. something. Get it off your chest. This is the first time I’ve done anything with my secret besides think it in my head. I’ve never wrote about having one, told anyone about it, sang about it.. anything. It actually feels pretty good.
I guess this is kind of my way of being accountable for my actions as well. Not that anyone thinks I’m saintly or anything but I do make mistakes and I probably didn’t suffer enough consequences for some of the things I’ve done. So here you go world – I have a secret and I hope to god it’s the last one I ever have because a)I like to talk and b)I hate to hold things inside.

So in conclusion, I’m one hell of a blabber mouth tonight. I hope all is well. Good thing that after two weeks of not posting I posted a boring novel of soul bearing. You’re welcome. Good night, and good bye.

What’s your secret?

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