Monday, November 1

Fat, Fabulous..and Faking It.


If you asked me how much I weigh I would probably laugh in your face and sarcastically exclaim '115lbs. Im up a few', then continue to make some self deprecating comment about myself and possibly make you uncomfortable. The aim being to make you laugh and take the train of thought totally away from what I actually weigh. That's because I'm the FFG - the fat, funny girl. I've been the fat kid my whole life so yes, I am rather comfortable and if at all possible, 100% uncomfortable at the exact same time.

Unless you have been fat, you actually have no idea how it feels. On the defense though, we are all insecure. What gender, heck, what SPECIES are we, if we aren't struggling to live up to societies ideas for what we should weigh, or how big our muscles/boobs should be, or have many "packs" we need to be happy and to be accepted. But being fat... I'm not gonna lie, it can be tough, it's the longest, hardest, most exhausting issue I've had to deal with - and I've had to deal with it my whole life. There is curvy..and then there is fat. I am fat. I'm not big in nice places and I carry my weight like a big sign that says 'Fat Kid'. So lose weight you say.. yeah...it's not that easy.

You see.. I'm an emotional eater. Have you ever seen Austin Powers? Fat Bastard says, "I'm eat because I'm unhappy, and I'm unhappy because I eat." It's sort of like that. Something goes wrong, I eat, something goes right, I eat, things just don't go - you guessed it, I still eat. It probably started when I was around the age of 8 - about the year I decided dieting was a good idea. Yes - I've been dieting and trying to be skinny on and off for over 10 years. If I needed hands to count how many times I'd starved myself, tried to make myself throw up, measured myself, weighed myself, exercised like a psycho or started a new diet - fuck octopus - I'd be a centupus. (100 arms.. i don't think there is actually a centupus but you get where I'm going). So at eight years old as my already shitty eating habits were really getting developed, I was starting to get depressed and also hit puberty which was mostly game over for the ole' Bailster.

Fast forward about 8 years and I actually had some progress losing weight. I lost 40 lbs, felt real good, something bad happened and things spiraled out of control. I'm back where I was and I regret it everyday of my life. Letting my emotions have control over my body is tough - I'm the most emotional person I know, I do most things with my heart. So here I am at 19, totally fat, totally miserable, and I've been in this place for quite some time. Now.. I've said this probably 400 times but I actually feel like I'm done. I'm tired of the thousands of shitty deals that come with being stuck in this permanent fat suit : im fat! obviously, im unattractive, im out of shape, everytime i eat its like i have a million judgemental eyes staring at me saying WHY ARE YOU EATING?! Then there is the obvious fact that few to no guys notice im alive, and if they do it's because they are unfortuantely the wingman to a guy who wants to get with my friend. I never get to share clothes with my friends, and I have the most gorgeous friends in the world which also makes me look at myself and think - honestly, bailey, what the fuck? go bury yourself somewhere. When I look in the mirror or at the scale it's like there are knives being tossed around in my huge stomach.

Now I know I did the whole blog about being beautiful and how there are a million outrageous standards for beauty in our society but this is also about health. Like I said -I'm not curvy, I'm not built like some curvy sexy latina. There is a difference. In our society, I'm disgusting and I'm unhealthy. I've never had a white guy tell me I'm beautiful, I've never really had a boyfriend and that is okay - but I would rather a guy not like me because I'm rotten not because I'm totally disgusting to look at. So I'm going to fix it.

This is my way of being accountable. Now all the five people (Yes , it's gone up from 3) who read my blog will know and maybe someone else will hear it through the grapevine and when I want to eat the shit out of the cupboards, I will think - nope, because those faithful blog readers will wonder why I'm getting fatter when I announced I was going to get skinnier. I'm blessed with one hell of a mother who a)cooks for me and b)will cook what I want her to cook for me. Also, I'm blessed with the most kick ass boss ever and we are starting some ridiculous "sexy slim something in six" which she has promised me is not six months, it's six weeks..and I'm gonna start kicking some ass. I'm gonna lose some weight, I'm gonna take off to Central America for a while, and I'm gonna come back not looking like a big piece of shit. Actually, I wish to come back looking like a sexy bitch and I'm not sure if I have the right combination of physical genetics for that but we will see what happens.

So if you can help me out by not offering me copious amounts of junkfood or telling me to take a lap (I will consider it encouragement, not offensive), it would be appreciated. This is really scary for me, but being fat forever is too. It scares me to think that if I lose a bunch of weight, and guys still don't pay attention to me and I still feel ugly.. that I will have wasted all this time and effort. But I don't think that's going to happen - I think that even being healthy and in shape in the first place is a magnicicent idea. So wish me luck.. it's gonna be one hell of a ride.

11 comments:

  1. you are an amazingly beautiful person, inside and out. It makes me sad you feel this way about yourself because in no way are you disgusting. You are one of the most strikingly gorgeous people i've had the pleasure to be friends with. I have all the faith in the world that you can do this, and that you will be healthy at the end of it. Please do not over do this, or over obsess you are perfect the way you are. I just cant wait for you to see what the rest of the world does.

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  2. i've only met you once
    and in that time, i never even noticed a negative thing about you. you're gorgeous. stunning. you made me smile, and i had wished we were from closer home towns so we could hang out and just laugh constantly for hours.

    and best thing ever :
    vitamuffins.
    they're fantastic and so good for you.

    and next blog you can say that your followers are up to [at least]6, since i'll be reading this again :)

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  3. i am very proud of you for putting this out there, and letting what goes through your head on a daily basis spill out onto the internet. i am sure it wasn't the easiest thing for you, but also very theraputic. I am very happy for you, and i wish you the best. you know that we all still love you just the way you are, like bruno mars. -nevan.

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  4. nevan.. i love you aha. and to the two anonymous comments - thank you both so much. that was insanely nice. i have to check out these vitamuffin things you are talking about! you both just made this seem a million times easier. :)

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  5. Bailey, I have known you your whole life and I'll bet there aren't that many people who know that you feel this way about yourself. I would never have guess. You exude confidence! I hope and pray that you first and most importantly come to love yourself the way you are, and then love the self you become through this. You are GORGEOUS, yes inside and out. You are a natural born leader. I believe you will become whatever the heck you want to. No it will not be an easy ride, there's life and that automatically knocks out the "easy", but I truly believe that you have what it takes to make this happen for yourself. I don't think, no, I KNOW I could never post what you've written here in this blog today, but what you've said rings true for so many of us BBWs out here in the world (big beautiful women). You are an inspiration and you always make me smile , NOT because you're funny, but because you make me feel such pride. I love knowing what's up with you and checking out your pics. You are going places, Bailey. Whether you live in GM your whole life or continue to travel the world, because you are smart, you are amazing and you are brave. You are an inspiration. Oh yeah, and you are GORGEOUS. Did I mention that you're gorgeous?

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  6. BAils-this makes me cry. I think you are totally awesome and gorgeous but I know your struggle.You go girl-no more junk( we`ll eat carrots lol).It`s a day by day battle.Do it for health reasons not for boys.Easy to say at my age.I know girls want boys to look at them but most of them are stupid-lol.Be happy .xoxoxoxoxox.LOve ya to peices DEBS

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  7. Bailey I know that our society tells us women that we have to look a certain way. We try to squeeze ourselves into boxes where we don't fit and it hurts. It sucks and all it does is tear pieces off of our soul every time we try to be something we are not. When I look at you I see beauty and I see joy. I love that about you. If the joy you exude is fake then you do a great job. I would love to know that your joy is real and that it comes from a place of self love and acceptance. No diet will do this and no number on the scale will make you truly love yourself. I hear you say over and over in this post that you are looking for approval from boys. This my dear certainly will not make you love yourself. Love yourself FIRST and then the right man will make his way into your life when YOU are ready.
    The road to self love is long and evolutionary.I have looked at my face in the mirror many days and saw nothing but ugly. It wasn't until I started focusing more on my inside and less on my outside that I actually started to like what I saw. Life is about making mistakes, forgiving yourself and starting fresh. The more I serve and give to others the more beautiful I feel.
    I have no doubt that you will go to Costa Rica, have the time of your life and come back loving yourself a whole lot more. You may be lighter in soul and in body. You have so many friends and family that love you just the way you are. That is an amazing place to start!! Like someone before me wrote, I just can't wait for you to see what the rest of the world does"....

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  8. Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder ;)

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  9. YOU SEXY BITCH!!!!!!! You are one... THE most.. beautiful person I know! And you always have been! and EVERYONE says that! You are like a sexy latino.. and certainly a SEXY BITCH! Fuck society because seriously they TEAR everyone apart, all the time. I think you being happy is whats going to make you feel better and then, look better. ..
    I cant wait to see what the rest of the world will do

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  10. I really enjoyed your post, Bail. It's very honest and well-written. Some of the other posters suggest that your mission to weigh less would be about boys. But, I don't get this at all from your post. I just think you want to feel good about yourself, and it was simply touching to hear how difficult this battle has been for you. We love you lots Bailey- keep writing... your message is inspiring.

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  11. Bailey, I wish you luck on this journey you are about to take. I am praying for you and you have yet another reader for your blog. I love the fact of how real you are and sometimes writing about it helps. Lots of my post helped me a lot. I already think you are a wonderful person even though I never met you. Looking forward to read more of this blog.

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