If you asked me how much I weigh I would probably laugh in your face and sarcastically exclaim '115lbs. Im up a few', then continue to make some self deprecating comment about myself and possibly make you uncomfortable. The aim being to make you laugh and take the train of thought totally away from what I actually weigh. That's because I'm the FFG - the fat, funny girl. I've been the fat kid my whole life so yes, I am rather comfortable and if at all possible, 100% uncomfortable at the exact same time.
Unless you have been fat, you actually have no idea how it feels. On the defense though, we are all insecure. What gender, heck, what SPECIES are we, if we aren't struggling to live up to societies ideas for what we should weigh, or how big our muscles/boobs should be, or have many "packs" we need to be happy and to be accepted. But being fat... I'm not gonna lie, it can be tough, it's the longest, hardest, most exhausting issue I've had to deal with - and I've had to deal with it my whole life. There is curvy..and then there is fat. I am fat. I'm not big in nice places and I carry my weight like a big sign that says 'Fat Kid'. So lose weight you say.. yeah...it's not that easy.
You see.. I'm an emotional eater. Have you ever seen Austin Powers? Fat Bastard says, "I'm eat because I'm unhappy, and I'm unhappy because I eat." It's sort of like that. Something goes wrong, I eat, something goes right, I eat, things just don't go - you guessed it, I still eat. It probably started when I was around the age of 8 - about the year I decided dieting was a good idea. Yes - I've been dieting and trying to be skinny on and off for over 10 years. If I needed hands to count how many times I'd starved myself, tried to make myself throw up, measured myself, weighed myself, exercised like a psycho or started a new diet - fuck octopus - I'd be a centupus. (100 arms.. i don't think there is actually a centupus but you get where I'm going). So at eight years old as my already shitty eating habits were really getting developed, I was starting to get depressed and also hit puberty which was mostly game over for the ole' Bailster.
Fast forward about 8 years and I actually had some progress losing weight. I lost 40 lbs, felt real good, something bad happened and things spiraled out of control. I'm back where I was and I regret it everyday of my life. Letting my emotions have control over my body is tough - I'm the most emotional person I know, I do most things with my heart. So here I am at 19, totally fat, totally miserable, and I've been in this place for quite some time. Now.. I've said this probably 400 times but I actually feel like I'm done. I'm tired of the thousands of shitty deals that come with being stuck in this permanent fat suit : im fat! obviously, im unattractive, im out of shape, everytime i eat its like i have a million judgemental eyes staring at me saying WHY ARE YOU EATING?! Then there is the obvious fact that few to no guys notice im alive, and if they do it's because they are unfortuantely the wingman to a guy who wants to get with my friend. I never get to share clothes with my friends, and I have the most gorgeous friends in the world which also makes me look at myself and think - honestly, bailey, what the fuck? go bury yourself somewhere. When I look in the mirror or at the scale it's like there are knives being tossed around in my huge stomach.
Now I know I did the whole blog about being beautiful and how there are a million outrageous standards for beauty in our society but this is also about health. Like I said -I'm not curvy, I'm not built like some curvy sexy latina. There is a difference. In our society, I'm disgusting and I'm unhealthy. I've never had a white guy tell me I'm beautiful, I've never really had a boyfriend and that is okay - but I would rather a guy not like me because I'm rotten not because I'm totally disgusting to look at. So I'm going to fix it.
This is my way of being accountable. Now all the five people (Yes , it's gone up from 3) who read my blog will know and maybe someone else will hear it through the grapevine and when I want to eat the shit out of the cupboards, I will think - nope, because those faithful blog readers will wonder why I'm getting fatter when I announced I was going to get skinnier. I'm blessed with one hell of a mother who a)cooks for me and b)will cook what I want her to cook for me. Also, I'm blessed with the most kick ass boss ever and we are starting some ridiculous "sexy slim something in six" which she has promised me is not six months, it's six weeks..and I'm gonna start kicking some ass. I'm gonna lose some weight, I'm gonna take off to Central America for a while, and I'm gonna come back not looking like a big piece of shit. Actually, I wish to come back looking like a sexy bitch and I'm not sure if I have the right combination of physical genetics for that but we will see what happens.
So if you can help me out by not offering me copious amounts of junkfood or telling me to take a lap (I will consider it encouragement, not offensive), it would be appreciated. This is really scary for me, but being fat forever is too. It scares me to think that if I lose a bunch of weight, and guys still don't pay attention to me and I still feel ugly.. that I will have wasted all this time and effort. But I don't think that's going to happen - I think that even being healthy and in shape in the first place is a magnicicent idea. So wish me luck.. it's gonna be one hell of a ride.