Tuesday, January 18

Reign Over Me.

I’m watching a movie called Reign Over Me. I’m having a hard time following it because I always have a hard time watching movies, my attention span is just too low and I get bored and I need to do something else with my hands or with my eyes or my mind..even if the movie is interesting. This one part caught my eyes and my ears and had my full attention. A woman was simply explaining to a man about how she was married for 10 years and her husband cheated on her for five them. He had a whole other life with another woman. This scares me.

I’ve never been in love. I’ve had crushes and I felt it was the end of the world when things came crashing down every time because I only have interest in guys who have zero interest in me (which tends to be all guys anyway). The thing is.. it never took me horribly long to get over them, well most of them, and I would move on. They were never that good for me or special I just got caught up in it because I had nothing else to be caught up in.

I was hurt decently bad twice.. not heartbreak, but i was weak enough that it bothered me for a long time and tore me up and tested how I felt about myself and how I felt about guys. Since then I’ve tried to always be tough and strong and cold to actually falling for a guy. This works for me. This works because I’ve convinced myself that no one will ever love me and not falling for anyone will keep me from eventually getting hurt. Some would say this is strategic and smart, they do this themselves and others would say it’s foolish, cowardly.. that I’m closing myself off to a world full of love and relationships and all those sorts of things.

I agree with the ladder. I am definitely a lover.. I think I have a pretty big heart and I like to think I’d be a great girlfriend someday. I would love to go on a date, celebrate valentine’s day, have a real relationship, buy gifts for a boyfriend, fall in love, meet his family, get engage, get married, have children but it doesn’t come easy to me. The first, and maybe greatest challenge is finding a guy in the first place..just a guy who is even interested. Then getting him to date me and eventually fall for me.. it’s a major task! Then comes the really scary part.. the part where I fall in love.

How scary is it that you can fall for someone and you put yourself out there and risk so much and THEY get to have the choice of whether to love you back or screw you over. It hardly seems fair. If they chose to love you back..will it last? The second challenge would be keeping a guy.. how the heck am I suppose to keep a guy?! How do I make sure that I am always sexy to him when I don’t feel sexy in the first place and that he doesn’t feel like he can do better or find better or is being offered better? How do I know he won’t find a woman to have another life with?

I guess it comes down to two things : whether I can decide if I’m worth a guy who won’t do that and finding a guy who I love and trust enough not to do it. I don’t know for sure if any of it’s possible but honestly, even after all of this rant, I like to believe it is. I truly like to believe that somewhere out there is a good guy who I can give all my love to and who will love me for the train wreck I am. The statistics aren’t good, I don’t have many friends who haven’t been cheated on or cheated themselves but I guess maybe I don’t have a lot of friends who have found something true. It seems like everywhere you look it’s so rare to find a good, strong, faithful relationship – not that I think there is such a thing as a perfection relationship to begin with. . But I know in my heart awesome relationships exist and are attainable..and I intend to find myself one if I find one at all.

Hopefully I will take the leap some day. I will find a great guy who is good to me who I dare risk everything for. It is so scary but like I said..I’m a lover, lol. For now I’m going to keep on keepin on, it’s all you can do.

Big love.

Thursday, January 13

If I Had A Nickel...

What year did you graduate?
Where did you go to school?
What did you do when you finished? Why?
When are you going to go back to school?
Where do you think you will go to school?
Why are you not going to school?
Why are you traveling?
Do you actually do anything when you travel?

If I had a nickel for every time I have been asked one of those questions.. I would be able to afford my lazy, hobo, unconventional way I chose to spend my time when I get off this island times 5. There are two types of reactions I get when I say that when I graduated I went to Guatemala. Reaction 1 : The good reaction. A genuine happiness for me, knowing I am doing what I want, a genuine interest in the things I do and see, and a little baby bit of jealousy. Reaction 2 : Hesitance, a vacant look as they try to decide whether to say what they are thinking or attempt to be fine with the way I chose to spend my time and my money.

Am I offended? A little. For one thing, many of the people who ask me those questions and then seem to be judgemental over my answers don’t really know a whole lot about me, my past, my adventures, my high school experience or my financial situation. On top of that, some are nothing like me and have no desire to travel or experience new things, which makes it hard for them to relate to me.

So to answer the question, I graduated in 2009. I didn’t go to college or university, I worked until October and then I took off to Guatemala for two months to work in an orphanage, learn Spanish and truly immerse myself in a new culture and way of life. Just in case you didn’t know, it was the best time of my life. I don’t have an specific plan for when I go to school, what I will study, where I will attend and I do not necessarily plan to skip school altogether, it’s just not on my immediate agenda. Furthermore, I cannot afford a university education and all that goes with it and I did horribly in high school, I have the attention span of a squirrel on crack.

Why do I travel? Someone asked me why I chose to do that before school and I replied “well I never did anything else the regular way, why start now? They asked me if there was any chance I was John Smalls daughter – I probably walked right into that one. Why wouldn’t I travel or want to travel would be a better question. I grew up on Grand Manan.. beautiful, but quite remote. The culture is fine but I certainly didn’t grow up knowing much about anything other than fishing (which I still don’t know a whole lot about), irrelevant gossip, basketball and student council which ran most of my adolescent life. Before anyone gets the wrong idea, I am not knocking Grand Manan – I love grand Manan, it is unique and there is no one I wouldn’t recommend it to. Good people, great summers and it is home. The thing is, I want to see more and there is A LOT more.

The last question is the one that makes me think. DO I actually do anything when I travel? Well, I am embarking on a second, longer trip this Feburary but I have only really ran off for 2 months before that. After careful consideration of the not so encouraged activities I might’ve engaged in, I came to the conclusion that yes, I did a lot of amazing things and saw amazing things and experienced amazing things while traveling. I didn’t just sit around in the sun and drink which I think some people have the idea that I did. I worked every morning 8-12 in an orphanage which was amazing and I took Spanish lessons and I traveled and saw some pretty sweet places.

I asked someone if they liked to travel the other day and they said, “well yes, I think that’s the whole point of life.” That is maybe a little too enthusiastic and its not even important to some..but yes, travel and culture is a part of life and I want it to be a big part of mine. I want to truly see and experience this amazing earth I get to live on, I want to be able to travel and even after having seen 50 countries and meeting thousands of people be able to come back to GM and know I’m home, see everyone I know and be thankful for them and for the life I had here.
So yes, I’m going to travel this year. I’m not going to school. And I’m super excited! Do I think that after working hard for a year, three jobs, being stuck on Grand Manan -a lot of times with no friends and no one to talk to besides my blog-makes me worth of treating myself to a trip? Hell yes I do! I’m young, no commitments, I worked hard for my money and I’m going to go experience travel and live before I settle down (Ha, who am I kidding with the settle down stuff?)

In February I am flying to Edmonton to spend a month with my brother, his wife Robin and their four children. I am beyond excited. I havn’t met my newest twin niece and nephew and it will be so great. I’ve never even been out west so the month I spend there will be an awesome experience, I someday hope to really see Canada, maybe backpack across – judge me for it then. After that I will be heading back to Xela, the city in Guatemala I was in during 2009. I will volunteer there for 3 weeks. After that, nothing is decided. I have saved up money and plan to steer clear from Canada for atleast four months, possibly longer. I will either be working as a
Nanny in Mexico or travel around Central America more.

Everyone has a different view on the way I live my life or anyone who choses a path other than university, some don’t have an opinion at all. For the people who think I’m stupid for not going to school on this strict timeline people seem to have for everything in life– you might be right. Just know I’ll have one hell of a story. Has no one ever gone to school at an age besides 18?

For the people who support me (and there are many), I love you so much, especially my Mom and my best friend who support me wholeheartedly. They truly know, love and understand me and I’m so thankful for that. It makes the awkward silences and judging looks much easier to handle and sometimes laugh at.

I’m going to have an amazing year this year, I truly believe that. When I come back to New Brunswick this summer – if I don’t fall in love with an Alejandro and run off into the sunset – I can’t wait to tell everyone about my trip and hear about everyone else’s adventures because that is ultimately what it comes down to. What do you want your story to be, what do you want your adventure to be, where do you want your life to go and how are you going to get there? Everyone chooses something different and I totally praise and respect everyone for any positive path they chose for themselves, I expect the same respect. Believe me, there are worse things I could be doing and I think rotting away on Grand Manan with no friends and no passion for what I’m doing is among those things. So wish me luck... or don’t, either way I’ll make the most of it.
Big Love,

“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.”
– Mark Twain

Sunday, January 2

Happy Anyway.

It is sunday, and as I do every sunday, I faithfully rolled over to postsecret.com There were a few about new years resolutions and this one really caught my eye and made me reflect on my year. It reads : "I hope that the crap which will happen to me in 2011 will be as awesome as the crap that happened in 2010." Here you can't, but on the site if you slide your mouse over the card it flips and reads "I am glad it's possible to be happy anyway."

After flipping the card, I really related to it. 2010 started out as a really rough year for me. I didn't want to be on Grand Manan and not only was I here but I had no friends and no job. Eventually I found a job and now I have been here for a year and worked 3 different jobs. The point I'm getting to is that I was dealt a shitty hand for this year, partly because of circumstance, partly my own decisions/choices. I feel so fortunate I was eventually able to be happy though. Every day was not good but every day wasn't bad either. I was able to take a year of living in a place I didn't prefer, with few friends into a learning experience, a chance to make money to do something I really wanted to and to even learn more how much I didn't want to be on Grand Manan forever.

When I consider everything, I had a lot of good things happen to me. I didn't accomplish much but I can look back and smile. For 3 months I worked at the boys and girls club which was amazing. I truly loved that job and all the workers and kids. They made me smile and laugh everyday and were such a blessing on my life. In April I was able to see LMFAO with a ton of friends and I had such a blast! In June I went to Ontario to see my family there which rocked! I started my job at Verns, which I truly love in August. I have formed some awesome relationships there and am so thankful. In November Rach, Cass and I went away for a christmas shopping day trip and it was honestly so much fun..I will never forget it.

I turned 19 in 2010 and celebrated with a few good friends in Fredericton, it was so much fun, I had a blast! I've met some awesome and special people this year - i LOVE meeting new people :) I started writing semi regularly which has made me really happy - i really love this blog no matter how many people read it aha. I had such a good summer, by the end I was working 2 jobs and not overly enjoying the marathon as usual but still so many good times. Amazing weather, good drinks, good friends and another trip to Fredericton in August with Tam and Annie - i DO love to dance ;)

I rang in the new year with, again, some amazing friends in Fredericton. I am so thankful for my friends, although most were far away, they helped get me through the year and the friends on GM as well.. I'm a lucky duck! I'm glad 2011 is here, like I stated before but I just wanted to make it clear that 2010 had some great moments and even though it was a year of not knowing how I'd get through the year, I did, and I was happy doing it a lot of the time. For that I'm thankful and very proud of myself! aha.

So now I'm onto the next chapter. On February.9th I leave for my brothers home in Edmonton. I am SOOO excited about this and it's only the start of a new adventure for me. I can't wait to meet my new niece and nephew and see my other two nephews who I miss very much and of course get to be with my brother and his beautiful wife - i love them so much and I hate being so far from them for so long. After my stay there, which I'm unsure of how long it will be at this point, possibly a month or so, I will head to Guatemala! I'm excited to get back and eventually explore more of Central America! I've been saving and waiting for a year now and although I'm anxious and stressed and nervous..I feel so excited and hopeful!

More on this later I suppose. This blog hasn't been particularly interested but just a chance for me to reflect a bit. I hope you guys all had a great 2010 and that 2011 brings a year that is just as good if not better.

big love. xo

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