Tuesday, January 18

Reign Over Me.

I’m watching a movie called Reign Over Me. I’m having a hard time following it because I always have a hard time watching movies, my attention span is just too low and I get bored and I need to do something else with my hands or with my eyes or my mind..even if the movie is interesting. This one part caught my eyes and my ears and had my full attention. A woman was simply explaining to a man about how she was married for 10 years and her husband cheated on her for five them. He had a whole other life with another woman. This scares me.

I’ve never been in love. I’ve had crushes and I felt it was the end of the world when things came crashing down every time because I only have interest in guys who have zero interest in me (which tends to be all guys anyway). The thing is.. it never took me horribly long to get over them, well most of them, and I would move on. They were never that good for me or special I just got caught up in it because I had nothing else to be caught up in.

I was hurt decently bad twice.. not heartbreak, but i was weak enough that it bothered me for a long time and tore me up and tested how I felt about myself and how I felt about guys. Since then I’ve tried to always be tough and strong and cold to actually falling for a guy. This works for me. This works because I’ve convinced myself that no one will ever love me and not falling for anyone will keep me from eventually getting hurt. Some would say this is strategic and smart, they do this themselves and others would say it’s foolish, cowardly.. that I’m closing myself off to a world full of love and relationships and all those sorts of things.

I agree with the ladder. I am definitely a lover.. I think I have a pretty big heart and I like to think I’d be a great girlfriend someday. I would love to go on a date, celebrate valentine’s day, have a real relationship, buy gifts for a boyfriend, fall in love, meet his family, get engage, get married, have children but it doesn’t come easy to me. The first, and maybe greatest challenge is finding a guy in the first place..just a guy who is even interested. Then getting him to date me and eventually fall for me.. it’s a major task! Then comes the really scary part.. the part where I fall in love.

How scary is it that you can fall for someone and you put yourself out there and risk so much and THEY get to have the choice of whether to love you back or screw you over. It hardly seems fair. If they chose to love you back..will it last? The second challenge would be keeping a guy.. how the heck am I suppose to keep a guy?! How do I make sure that I am always sexy to him when I don’t feel sexy in the first place and that he doesn’t feel like he can do better or find better or is being offered better? How do I know he won’t find a woman to have another life with?

I guess it comes down to two things : whether I can decide if I’m worth a guy who won’t do that and finding a guy who I love and trust enough not to do it. I don’t know for sure if any of it’s possible but honestly, even after all of this rant, I like to believe it is. I truly like to believe that somewhere out there is a good guy who I can give all my love to and who will love me for the train wreck I am. The statistics aren’t good, I don’t have many friends who haven’t been cheated on or cheated themselves but I guess maybe I don’t have a lot of friends who have found something true. It seems like everywhere you look it’s so rare to find a good, strong, faithful relationship – not that I think there is such a thing as a perfection relationship to begin with. . But I know in my heart awesome relationships exist and are attainable..and I intend to find myself one if I find one at all.

Hopefully I will take the leap some day. I will find a great guy who is good to me who I dare risk everything for. It is so scary but like I said..I’m a lover, lol. For now I’m going to keep on keepin on, it’s all you can do.

Big love.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Leave some love, questions, suggestions or links! Advice and constructive criticism always welcome but no hate and negativity if you can help it at all! Thanks in advance xx

Created by MyFitnessPal - Free Weight Loss Tools

previous blog entries.