Saturday, September 24

Updates from the Weight Loss Train.

So getting back into things hasn’t been as hard as I thought. Tomorrow will be Day 6 at the gym and I’m almost to the point where I WANT to go. Almost. The eating is reasonably under control and I’ve been genuinely trying. I push myself to the gym everyday and once I’m there it isn’t always easy to get my ass in gear but I’ve been impressed with myself.
I’m heinously out of shape and sometimes it’s a little mortifying to be there. When I get down and insecure, I sometimes wonder if people are thinking, “Why is this fat, out of shape loser at the gym looking like a total shit head?” I tell myself that Yes, I am a fat, out of shape loser and I do probably look like a shit head. But I am the shit head who pulled myself off of the couch, ate healthy all day and is now at the gym, putting in a pretty decent effort if I do say so myself. Isn’t there something to be said for that? All of a sudden I’m not worried about anyone else at the gym, I’m too busy praying for mercy. So if anyone is judging me there.. well.. they can go fuck themselves to be totally honest.\
Sometimes it’s hard to have that attitude but as you can see, I’m pretty candid about it. When I start getting discouraged or frustrated with the gym or my diet or the super long road ahead of me I try to remind myself of why I do this. Why time after time, even though I keep failing and I’m like a god damn yoyo, the reasons I keep going back to the gym and I keep trying my best to be healthy. There are a million of them, reasons I want to be healthy, reasons I want to be skinny, reasons I specifically don’t want to be fat. We all have our own and a lot of us have the same ones. Here are a few of mine, some a bit colourful so excuse my language and my outbursts – I’ll be the first to own up to the fact that I’m a it of a drama queen.
Hot Tight Dresses :
I look fucking disgusting in the tight cute dresses I wish I could wear to bars. I don’t look confident or curvy, I don’t look anything but rolly and chunky and like maybe the dress might rip if I pop and lock it just right. I want to be able to wear the dresses I think are cute without causing mass vomiting across the lands. I find things I can wear that I don’t look ridiculous in but I want to have the option of anything and not look like such a cow. No more ruffles to hide my stomach or skirts that pull me in or long sleeves in a 90 degree club just because I hate my arms. FTS.
My General Health :
Being overweight is SO hard on my body! It’s bad on your heart, your lungs – all your important bits and pieces! If I respect myself enough to stay out of the sun, wear SPF, stay away from cigarettes and not do drugs, why am I not respecting myself enough to give my body only the food it needs and not all that other shit? Good question.. there is no reason, at least no good one. So instead of filling my system with foods that have chemicals and things in them that aren’t even REAL, I NEED to be a little nicer to it and eat healthy and in healthy portions. Same goes for exercise – it’s SO necessary, no matter how good of shape you are in.
Practising what I preach :
I’m hugely concerned for todays youth and the INSANE obesity rates and how they just keep getting higher. Kids aren’t being active and they are literally eating shit. I see what teenagers eat all the time working at Vernes and when I was working at the day care i was totally horrified at what 3 year old were bringing for snacks. It is so not right. But I need to be in shape and healthy and fit before I can preach about it – hard to listen to a fat girl about how you should be eating and exercising more eh! I truly hope someday I can play a part in getting a healthy message out to kids and of course the parents who are enabling their children to start these lifestyles early on.
Proportion :
I pray to god that when I get skinny (AND I WILL!) I am fucking proportionate at least a little bit. I’m a crazy shape. They have all these fruit shapes.. a pear and an apple.. what fruit is shaped like me? A gourd? Is a gourd even a fruit? I have no idea. I cannot wait to not look like I’m going to tip over from my stomach. Maybe some of my fat will shift to my ass and I’ll be shaped like a female... a girl can dream.
Bathing Suits
How pathetic is it that I have not owned a bathing suit in almost 10 years? I’m only 20 years old, it’s just not right. The sad thing is that I could wear one, I could buy a nice one and wear it and wear whatever I could cover myself with but I was SO fucking insecure that I couldn’t even bear the thought of trying on a swim suit. I would love nothing more than to be able to buy a swimsuit and it not be this big dreadful experience, just be a normal chick looking for a bathing suit! We’ll see!
Not gonna lie. I want a boyfriend. No one wants to date ALL this, no one i’ve came across anyway. I mean.. after I lose the weight I will probably still fulfill my overall destiny of dying a virgin with only my cats at my side but at least I will be skinny and theoretically closer to getting a boyfriend.
Being the Average Sized Friend
I am a decent amount of tired of being the fat friend. I don’t mind being the ugly friend.. because believe me, the ugly friend gets laid sometimes. But being the fat friend is like being the pet rat..I’m no help at all. I’m invisible or I’m being laughed at. In all the pictures I’m like a big ass pimple on school picture day, just OUT there and no fun to look at or deal with. I feel actual pity for wing men. I can’t wait to just be an average size, maybe not super skinny or attractive, just... be average. Blend in. I would be very okay with that.
Hearing A Different Phrase:
Other than “you have such a pretty face though.” You might as well just tell me I’m fat. I would love to be told by a guy someday that I’m just beautiful. I’m gorgeous. I’m hot. Something..just.. one flat word to cover it all instead of telling me I have a pretty face so he can avoid the fact that my body makes him want to throw up all over me.
Victorias Secret
I would like to go into Victorias Secret some day to buy something – not to feel like I was being punished by some unfair God.
Okay. That’s all I’ll give you for now. I know that some of you may think, “Wow, she’s so negative. Wah wah wah” but it’s not that I’m negative. For one thing, I love to write so I’m just plain dramatic. For a second thing, this is my life, and it’s always been my life. I’m allowed to be brutally honest about it. I face it every day and I look at it head on, I’m honest with myself. I don’t pretend I’m hot because I’m not and I don’t pretend like it doesn’t bother me to be like this because it does. Facing these issues and being aware of what I want and what I need to change is helping me see my goals and also helping me to reach them, which I will do.
I hope that those of you reading this aren't brought down by my attitude, I truly am not trying to be negative - it's just my way of humor and the way I write. I find hope in these things and I love having these goals to work towards, change to look forward to in the future. I am trying to make my life better; to fix all these problems instead of dwell on them. I'm working my ass off (which hopefully is my stomach and not my ass because my ass is weirdly little in comparison to the rest of me) and I hope that maybe someone, somewhere is being inspired like I have been inspired by so many people in my life and even in the blogosphere.
To those of you in the same boat I am in right now, keep trying and keep kicking serious weight loss ass. To everyone reading this, thank you so so so so so so so so much! And if you aren't following you seriously need to.. seriously. just follow my blog. now.
mucho big love!. xo

Monday, September 19

Gym Observations

For some of us September is a new beginning, almost like a new year. Some of us go back to work, some to school. Parents send their babies to kindergarten for the first time or send off their freshman to university. We hesitantly put away our summer clothes and tanning lotion and if you are like me, we bring out the work out clothes and head back to the gym and work out classes.
That’s correcto, I headed back to the gym today. Last Wednesday I went and got a new membership and left the island shortly after so wasn’t able to start up until today – definitely won’t be updating until Oct.19th, BAD ASS! (Sorry Pete!)
Here are 10 observations made during my trip to the gym today.
1) I didn’t totally dread my immediate future on the drive there. I could barely believe my eyes... or.. mind? You know what I mean.
2) I should have dreaded it.
3) I’m a fat slob who seriously needs to start moving my ass more often.
4) 65 year old men still go the gym...more often than younger men apparently. Im impressed.
5) 65 year old men at the gym don’t like Spanish rap, LMFAO or Kesha. Who knew?
6) The bike doesn’t get used very often... there should never be spider webs and little yellow spiders on exercise equipment. Wtf?
7) Seeing male thunder thighs is scary.
8) Seeing mine is most likely scarier.
9) Even after wanting to quit 5 times and seriously considering a nap on the mat, I still have hope.
10) Not long after I thought about what time I would go tomorrow and then realized that even though it wasn’t fun, I still planned on doing it again. Success!
Big Love.

PS. I'm considering doing a page on my blog following my weight loss journey apart from normal blog updates. Good idea, bad idea?

Monday, September 12


I am officially inspired! Yes, I know, brutal “keep blog updated” skills happening here but I’m back and I’m ready to kick some blog ass. Whether the inspiration is coming from being totally abandoned (non intentionally – and all blame is placed on me as I chose to be here and I love my friends and want them to fly away and flourish) on Grand Manan, feeling the need to get my write on or so many things pissing me off lately, I’m ready to get back into the blog swing. Just minutes ago I told my friend that if I couldn’t find enough work to keep my mind off of how much I hate my situation that I was going to basically become a power blogger. Either way, if I work a lot or work a little, I’m hoping to get back into my blog big time. It makes me so happy to write, whether I have readers or not (but readers and comments really do make my day!)

So apart from making my grand announcement of a return to my few readers who have probably totally given up on my blog, I do have a topic today..or at least a string of thoughts. It is inspired by a show I was watching with my friend Diana the other day. After nearly 1000 episodes of Say Yes To The Dress (which is frightening, might I add) a new TLC show came on called Big Sexy. If you havn’t heard of it, basically it’s about four “plus size” women trying to make it big and possibly find love in NYC. My first reaction to the show was, these women are wild and I’m loving it. As a girl who has always had a little..okay a LOT of cushion going on I can definitely appreciate it but it can really be for any woman – size 0 or size 22. These women are basically just trying to find happiness, despite any insecurity they have, any standards society has set for them or situations they may be in. Is that not something we can all relate to?

Even in the first episode some of the challenges these women talked about facing solely because of their size was a little intimidating. From being in their 30’s and still not being able to find a decent man to not being allowed access to a club, they are amazingly confident and optimistic for what they face. They have reason to be though - amazing personalities and some are so gorgeous they are working as models.

The show got me thinking about plus size modelling – not for myself, just in general. I started researching plus size models and became fascinated with these women. Some, even though extremely skinny and never something anyone with a brain larger than the size of a pee would consider big, were among the most beautiful women I had ever seen. Some had truly sexy, feminine, curvy bodies which I think is amazing – of course these women should be models. The thing is, most of the women had tried to be “straight models” and after years of eating disorders had let their bodies just be the size they were meant to be and later become majorly successful as plus size models.

I’m not 100% sure where I am headed with this blog. Basically I always want women, and men too of course, to feel confident and beautiful and love themselves. I am still on this journey, and I definitely am a girl who would love to be a size 2 but at the same time I truly strive to find things to love about my body. Being down on myself doesn’t help anyone. My main point is that these women stopped going with what other people thought they should be and embraced themselves and became successful and most likely a whole lot happier.

Are all women born to be thick, curvy, voluptuous, tall? Absolutely not. Are all women born to be slim? Of course not. Do I condone over eating, eating unhealthy, being unactive – definitely not. The point is to do whats best for you, whats best for your body and find the things you love about yourself instead of trying to fit into a mold you don’t fit into.

I’m going to leave a letter written by Plus Size Model Kate Dillon. She is one of the starving straight models turned healthy plus size models i was talking about. Her amazingly successful plus size model career thus far has included being in several issues of Vogue magazine, working as a high fashion model, appearing on ANTM, being involved in advertising with big names such as Gucci and the list does go on. This letter has some of the most inspiring advice I have ever been non directly given and I will never forget it.

“I'm not sure how many things I believe I truly know, I mean REALLY know. But I know I'm right about this one thing :my truth is that I am free. I am free from cultural ideals and anyone or anything trying to inflict those ideals upon me. I am free to be whomever I want or need to be at any given moment - ugly, fat, cool, beautiful, smart, goofy, or really really uncool. i am free to make mistakes - to say the wrong thing or to say nothing at all. I know Im free because for 7 years I wasn’t free at all. I lived in a remote and lonely place, confided by anorexia, sentenced by myself. I've been a plus size model , a big girl model for 8 years now and in that time I’ve used my career to celebrate my freedom and to prove that beauty, success and healthy are not bound by someone else's ideals. Unfortunately, our culture has a tendency to make people feel badly about themselves - no matter who you are! Prejudices regarding size, race, religion and sexual preference is rampant - its too hard to please everyone. So please yourself. Respect yourself, take care of your body, respect others and set yourself free.”

Word to truly live by. Free yourself, people! Big Love, xo B.

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