Saturday, September 24

Updates from the Weight Loss Train.


So getting back into things hasn’t been as hard as I thought. Tomorrow will be Day 6 at the gym and I’m almost to the point where I WANT to go. Almost. The eating is reasonably under control and I’ve been genuinely trying. I push myself to the gym everyday and once I’m there it isn’t always easy to get my ass in gear but I’ve been impressed with myself.
I’m heinously out of shape and sometimes it’s a little mortifying to be there. When I get down and insecure, I sometimes wonder if people are thinking, “Why is this fat, out of shape loser at the gym looking like a total shit head?” I tell myself that Yes, I am a fat, out of shape loser and I do probably look like a shit head. But I am the shit head who pulled myself off of the couch, ate healthy all day and is now at the gym, putting in a pretty decent effort if I do say so myself. Isn’t there something to be said for that? All of a sudden I’m not worried about anyone else at the gym, I’m too busy praying for mercy. So if anyone is judging me there.. well.. they can go fuck themselves to be totally honest.\
Sometimes it’s hard to have that attitude but as you can see, I’m pretty candid about it. When I start getting discouraged or frustrated with the gym or my diet or the super long road ahead of me I try to remind myself of why I do this. Why time after time, even though I keep failing and I’m like a god damn yoyo, the reasons I keep going back to the gym and I keep trying my best to be healthy. There are a million of them, reasons I want to be healthy, reasons I want to be skinny, reasons I specifically don’t want to be fat. We all have our own and a lot of us have the same ones. Here are a few of mine, some a bit colourful so excuse my language and my outbursts – I’ll be the first to own up to the fact that I’m a it of a drama queen.
Hot Tight Dresses :
I look fucking disgusting in the tight cute dresses I wish I could wear to bars. I don’t look confident or curvy, I don’t look anything but rolly and chunky and like maybe the dress might rip if I pop and lock it just right. I want to be able to wear the dresses I think are cute without causing mass vomiting across the lands. I find things I can wear that I don’t look ridiculous in but I want to have the option of anything and not look like such a cow. No more ruffles to hide my stomach or skirts that pull me in or long sleeves in a 90 degree club just because I hate my arms. FTS.
My General Health :
Being overweight is SO hard on my body! It’s bad on your heart, your lungs – all your important bits and pieces! If I respect myself enough to stay out of the sun, wear SPF, stay away from cigarettes and not do drugs, why am I not respecting myself enough to give my body only the food it needs and not all that other shit? Good question.. there is no reason, at least no good one. So instead of filling my system with foods that have chemicals and things in them that aren’t even REAL, I NEED to be a little nicer to it and eat healthy and in healthy portions. Same goes for exercise – it’s SO necessary, no matter how good of shape you are in.
Practising what I preach :
I’m hugely concerned for todays youth and the INSANE obesity rates and how they just keep getting higher. Kids aren’t being active and they are literally eating shit. I see what teenagers eat all the time working at Vernes and when I was working at the day care i was totally horrified at what 3 year old were bringing for snacks. It is so not right. But I need to be in shape and healthy and fit before I can preach about it – hard to listen to a fat girl about how you should be eating and exercising more eh! I truly hope someday I can play a part in getting a healthy message out to kids and of course the parents who are enabling their children to start these lifestyles early on.
Proportion :
I pray to god that when I get skinny (AND I WILL!) I am fucking proportionate at least a little bit. I’m a crazy shape. They have all these fruit shapes.. a pear and an apple.. what fruit is shaped like me? A gourd? Is a gourd even a fruit? I have no idea. I cannot wait to not look like I’m going to tip over from my stomach. Maybe some of my fat will shift to my ass and I’ll be shaped like a female... a girl can dream.
Bathing Suits
How pathetic is it that I have not owned a bathing suit in almost 10 years? I’m only 20 years old, it’s just not right. The sad thing is that I could wear one, I could buy a nice one and wear it and wear whatever I could cover myself with but I was SO fucking insecure that I couldn’t even bear the thought of trying on a swim suit. I would love nothing more than to be able to buy a swimsuit and it not be this big dreadful experience, just be a normal chick looking for a bathing suit! We’ll see!
Boyfriends
Not gonna lie. I want a boyfriend. No one wants to date ALL this, no one i’ve came across anyway. I mean.. after I lose the weight I will probably still fulfill my overall destiny of dying a virgin with only my cats at my side but at least I will be skinny and theoretically closer to getting a boyfriend.
Being the Average Sized Friend
I am a decent amount of tired of being the fat friend. I don’t mind being the ugly friend.. because believe me, the ugly friend gets laid sometimes. But being the fat friend is like being the pet rat..I’m no help at all. I’m invisible or I’m being laughed at. In all the pictures I’m like a big ass pimple on school picture day, just OUT there and no fun to look at or deal with. I feel actual pity for wing men. I can’t wait to just be an average size, maybe not super skinny or attractive, just... be average. Blend in. I would be very okay with that.
Hearing A Different Phrase:
Other than “you have such a pretty face though.” You might as well just tell me I’m fat. I would love to be told by a guy someday that I’m just beautiful. I’m gorgeous. I’m hot. Something..just.. one flat word to cover it all instead of telling me I have a pretty face so he can avoid the fact that my body makes him want to throw up all over me.
Victorias Secret
I would like to go into Victorias Secret some day to buy something – not to feel like I was being punished by some unfair God.
Okay. That’s all I’ll give you for now. I know that some of you may think, “Wow, she’s so negative. Wah wah wah” but it’s not that I’m negative. For one thing, I love to write so I’m just plain dramatic. For a second thing, this is my life, and it’s always been my life. I’m allowed to be brutally honest about it. I face it every day and I look at it head on, I’m honest with myself. I don’t pretend I’m hot because I’m not and I don’t pretend like it doesn’t bother me to be like this because it does. Facing these issues and being aware of what I want and what I need to change is helping me see my goals and also helping me to reach them, which I will do.
I hope that those of you reading this aren't brought down by my attitude, I truly am not trying to be negative - it's just my way of humor and the way I write. I find hope in these things and I love having these goals to work towards, change to look forward to in the future. I am trying to make my life better; to fix all these problems instead of dwell on them. I'm working my ass off (which hopefully is my stomach and not my ass because my ass is weirdly little in comparison to the rest of me) and I hope that maybe someone, somewhere is being inspired like I have been inspired by so many people in my life and even in the blogosphere.
To those of you in the same boat I am in right now, keep trying and keep kicking serious weight loss ass. To everyone reading this, thank you so so so so so so so so much! And if you aren't following you seriously need to.. seriously. just follow my blog. now.
mucho big love!. xo
bail.

10 comments:

  1. Another great blog, Bail! If it's any help to you, chances are that anyone that's at the gym when you're there is either too busy with their own workout to pay any attention to you, or they're thinking, "Good for her!" You are an inspiration to this fat chick.

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  2. Love it! Love you! Keep up the fantastic work...you're doing great! Love you XOXOXO

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  3. proud of ya! wish i could be enjoying frozen raspberries and watching biggest loser with ya. love you and you are the most beautiful girl i kno.

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  4. Those are all very legit reasons to want to lose the weight. I am not going to pretend I know what it's like to be fat, but I do know what it takes to be disciplined enough to work out daily. It is worth every bit of sweat and effort. The most important thing you wrote here is that you will feel better and that you will be healthy. Without your health you have NOTHING. Who cares if you look good in a mini skirt if you are sick? Bailey I think you are amazing... not just because you are honest but because you are brave and beautiful. Thank you for your honesty.

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  5. Loving your honesty! I really hope you stick with it, although the gym sucks in every way, if you can get to the point where you want to go (I've now lost that lovin' feeling completely) it's actually enjoyable!

    And to be honest, I don't think anyone feels good about themselves at the gym - when you're beet read and wheezing convulsively and blinking from the sweat dripping in your eyes, you aren't attractive. Period. Well there are those that remain fresh and pert throughout, which just makes me want to shake them and shout "SWEAT damn you, SWEAT!!!!"

    Good luck with it, looking forward to reading about your progress!!

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  7. [ didn't mena to post anonymously ]

    Your honesty is so refreshing! You'll get there and trust me your goals will change. I wanted to not longer be that chubby, ugly friend (loved the pet rat comment fyi lol). I could deal with not being drop dead gorgeous. But now I want to be the baddest bitch in the area, which ultimately starts within.

    I know you'll get there :), looking forward to watching ya transform!

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  8. I love your honesty and you've hit the nail on the head with me with most of your points. Personally, I've found that even when I lost weight, I always felt like the ugly/useless friend that would never get a guy until I changed my opinion about myself and accepted who I was no matter my size. I still LOVE being the gal that blends into the walls and I finally found a guy that loves me for that. You will too.

    You're on the track and have your whole life in front of you. With your personality and ambition, you will most definitely go far!

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  9. You're speaking my language.... by wanting to look 'confident and curvy vs. chunky'. Hope all is well and you're on your way to your goals.

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  10. I love how candid, open, and straight up you are. It is refreshing. I have felt all of those feelings you write about at one point or another in my life, and still sometimes do. And I know you are venting about your true feelings, and that is awesome, but I just wanted to remind you of that fact that you do not have to be skinny to have a bf! I am hardly skinny and I have managed to snag one of the best guys around (at least I think so). Fall in true love with yourself first, inside and out (which takes a ton of effort and sometimes seems impossible, I know), and an amazing guy will seriously fall in your lap. I promise! Keep up the great work. You have inspired me to stop being lazy this morning and get out for a run. Wow this comment is long :)

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