Thursday, November 10

..and you thought i was single.

My relationship seemed amazing. We spent a TON of time together and he knew me inside and out. He knew how my brain worked, my likes, my dislikes, my strong points, my faults. I loved him. I wanted to spend all my time with him. I cut others off because of how strong my relationship was getting with him. Our relationship was what I would consider intoxicating, by the time I was 15 my whole brain was wrapped around him, when I would spend time with him and how I would spend that time.
Thats when things went wrong. The relationship consumed me. I started hiding. I would hide with him in my room, embarrassed of how much the relationship had consumed my life and what it was doing to my body, to my self esteem. I let him hurt me, I let him gain control of my days, I let him warp me into someone I didn’t want to be.
It was love-hate for so long. I loved the way he made me feel. I loved that when no one else was there, I had him to run to. When I had a big whole in my heart, he would fill it up for me. He didn’t make fun of me, he didn’t leave me out, he was always there when I needed him. But I hated the way he made me feel after spending so much time with him.
In the past I had many points in my life where I knew I needed to change my relationship with him. I tried ending it altogether only to relapse and go crazy with him. I tried balancing him out with work outs, only to give up soon after. At one point I had broke it off for almost 6 months but an emotional breakdown had me running back.
I am 20. I have seen so many changes in myself and the way I see everything in the past year. Finally I have ended my horrible relationship with him. His name is Food and he will never own me again. I have a great relationship with him. We are no longer together but I keep him around as I know I need him to live, to keep me strong, to fuel my work outs, etc. Sometimes I hit him up for a little bit of action (everyone needs their sweets) but I’m quick to remember how easily I can get caught back up in him if I spend too much time letting it consume me.
I will never let him take control of me again. I won’t let him bring me to emotional depths where I am no longer myself anymore. I won’t let him make me feel so horrible about myself that just a glance in the mirror moves me to tears. I won’t let him take up time where I could be enjoying life, time that could be spent exercising, something he barely allowed me to do even 2 months ago.
I am finally in control. I have a healthy relationship with food. I will win this battle.

10 comments:

  1. Preach! Navigating one's relationship with food is one of the hardest things to do, so congratulations to you for doing it!!

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  2. gave me chills, your amazing and I know you have it this time.

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  3. you go girl!!!! great work . keep it up.

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  4. yay for you...glad you are so smart to get control over this ....wish i would have been so smart at 20....i still have a love/hate relationship with food and probably always will...you are one smart girl

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  5. Not to sound corny... but this was beautifully written. The fact that I could relate to it after breaking up with my long-term boyfriend to find out at the end that you're speaking of food was amazing! I am happy for you and your new healthy relationship Bailey!

    - Yetti

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  6. Good for you Bailey! Well written!

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  7. Excellent writing...loved this!

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  8. Awesome--I hope some day I can say that I'm in control!

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  9. This is one of the best posts I've read... ever. Powerful. You go, girl!

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