Thursday, November 10

..and you thought i was single.

My relationship seemed amazing. We spent a TON of time together and he knew me inside and out. He knew how my brain worked, my likes, my dislikes, my strong points, my faults. I loved him. I wanted to spend all my time with him. I cut others off because of how strong my relationship was getting with him. Our relationship was what I would consider intoxicating, by the time I was 15 my whole brain was wrapped around him, when I would spend time with him and how I would spend that time.
Thats when things went wrong. The relationship consumed me. I started hiding. I would hide with him in my room, embarrassed of how much the relationship had consumed my life and what it was doing to my body, to my self esteem. I let him hurt me, I let him gain control of my days, I let him warp me into someone I didn’t want to be.
It was love-hate for so long. I loved the way he made me feel. I loved that when no one else was there, I had him to run to. When I had a big whole in my heart, he would fill it up for me. He didn’t make fun of me, he didn’t leave me out, he was always there when I needed him. But I hated the way he made me feel after spending so much time with him.
In the past I had many points in my life where I knew I needed to change my relationship with him. I tried ending it altogether only to relapse and go crazy with him. I tried balancing him out with work outs, only to give up soon after. At one point I had broke it off for almost 6 months but an emotional breakdown had me running back.
I am 20. I have seen so many changes in myself and the way I see everything in the past year. Finally I have ended my horrible relationship with him. His name is Food and he will never own me again. I have a great relationship with him. We are no longer together but I keep him around as I know I need him to live, to keep me strong, to fuel my work outs, etc. Sometimes I hit him up for a little bit of action (everyone needs their sweets) but I’m quick to remember how easily I can get caught back up in him if I spend too much time letting it consume me.
I will never let him take control of me again. I won’t let him bring me to emotional depths where I am no longer myself anymore. I won’t let him make me feel so horrible about myself that just a glance in the mirror moves me to tears. I won’t let him take up time where I could be enjoying life, time that could be spent exercising, something he barely allowed me to do even 2 months ago.
I am finally in control. I have a healthy relationship with food. I will win this battle.


  1. Preach! Navigating one's relationship with food is one of the hardest things to do, so congratulations to you for doing it!!

  2. gave me chills, your amazing and I know you have it this time.

  3. you go girl!!!! great work . keep it up.

  4. yay for you...glad you are so smart to get control over this ....wish i would have been so smart at 20....i still have a love/hate relationship with food and probably always are one smart girl

  5. Not to sound corny... but this was beautifully written. The fact that I could relate to it after breaking up with my long-term boyfriend to find out at the end that you're speaking of food was amazing! I am happy for you and your new healthy relationship Bailey!

    - Yetti

  6. Good for you Bailey! Well written!

  7. Excellent writing...loved this!

  8. Awesome--I hope some day I can say that I'm in control!

  9. This is one of the best posts I've read... ever. Powerful. You go, girl!


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