Monday, February 20

actin a fool cause you look a fool.


I love to go out. I love to drink and I love to go shake my booty until last call. There was one NYE where my friends and I were the first on the dancefloor (losers!) and the last ones off (bigger losers?). I love dressing up, doing my hair and make up, letting loose and dancing like im about to get paid. I also tend to transform into anything but the fat white girl that I am when Im on the dancefloor.

I don't really look like the typical girl dancing at the bar. There are all different types of girls at the bars, its true, but I look like about 1% of them. When I use to go to the bar and look around my soul would shrink a little - it's as if Im surrounded by a million girls with Victorias Secret bodies in dresses they stole from their little sisters costume closet. I would instantly feel like I was in the wrong place.

I first went out when I was 18 (see picture) (Bad girl bad girl..whatcha gonna do when the bouncer comes for you). I realized quickly it was going to be a self esteem diminishing process ( i looked like shit so .. clearly). If any guys at all noticed I was in the room it was only because Im huge or because I happened to be blocking their view of my friends. Starting from the very first time I went out I would be left dancing by myself while my friends got hit on. Fortunately, I had dealt with it before and it didn't completely kill me.

Parties on Grand Manan (my hometown!)panned out like this as well. To the day I don't really get hit on and guys dont particularly notice me. It's different here because they all know me in the first place. They all know me and what im like and that they already dont want to sleep with me - they also know I wouldnt sleep with them anyway. I wouldn't hit on me either though..this is what I looked like when I first started going out on Grand Manan :
I turned 18 in the Spring of 2009. I graduated that year and I also took a life changing trip to Guatemala. In Guatemala - I was legal (not the life changing part, might I add). I went out at least 3 times a week and it was a huge confidence booster for me. I would go out, get hit on, and dance all night with lots of different boys. I was excited because I was finally getting what everyone had always told me to expect - when you leave Grand Manan, boys will flock to you. In Canada - it didnt matter where I went, no one was flocking.
Guatemala was a great experience for me. I realized that somewhere in the world, even if I had to go to Central America, guys would think I was cute. I wasn't a freak of nature, at least not completely or it was adorable and attracted boys.. cute brown ones. When I went out I was confident, I wasn't worrying about how fat I looked and I truly would enjoy myself and meet lots of awesome people. Then I went back to Canada and the cycle repeated itself.
When I was back in Canada I went back to being the fat friend at the bar. Like most things, I would resort to humor to deal with how shitty it made me feel about myself. I would get ridiculously drunk and act a fool cause I felt I looked a fool. If I was laughing at myself, other people couldnt laugh at how I looked. I felt like I everytime I went to a bar people wondered why I was there. When guys tried to dance with me and their friend was with my friend, I insisted that they didn't have to be the wingman, I enjoyed dancing alone just fine.
My 19th birthday - first time out in Canada legally ;)
It doesn't matter how hard you tell yourself it doesn't matter because sometimes it does. What guys think of you matters because we all want to feel pretty and beautiful or atleast good enough. The difference is that we cannot let it decide our worth or how we feel about ourselves as a whole. Realizing this has made a significant change in my life and my experience with going out to bars.
Losing this weight has changed my life and Im not even half way done. It has given me the confidence and a beginning to self love that I've never experienced. I spent the weekend in PEI and hit two different bars with my girlfriends. I didn't notice it then but looking back I don't remember ever wondering why no one was hitting on me or giving a fuck either. I wore dresses that fit my body and I went out feeling like "its not my fault if they are too drunk to notice how sexy I am".
Attitude is everything. I refuse to let stupid, drunk guys at a bar affect how I feel about myself. Most of those guys are looking for one thing that I am definitely not giving to them so why their opinion ever mattered is beyond me. Yes, I love going out and drinking and dancing but I can do that without a guy and I can do it with one. I found myself dancing alone and actually enjoying myself - not telling myself I did. I wasn't comparing myself to my friends or to other girls, I was simply enjoying myself. I've come a really long way.
I will never go back to being Fat Bailey. Fat Bailey mentality still lives in my head. I have struggles and somedays I look in the mirror and see the exact same, insecure, fat, damaged girl. Somedays I look in the mirror and say "damn, you's a sexy bitch". It's all about having more days like the second one I mentioned. I am not perfect and when I reach my goal I still wont be perfect but I am a way better version of myself.. one that Im really starting to like.
So here are some pictures of me this weekend with my friends (I am so sorry for how poorly they are organized - blogger is being a total fucking asshole). No, I'm not a size 2 and yes, I'm sloppy and ridiculous. But I am confident and I don't give a fuck what any douchebag at a bar thinks about me or any guy at a Grand Manan party for that matter. I have friends and family who love me and think Im beautiful and for now...thats totally enough for me. I will resume going to the bar, shaking what my mama gave me and having an amazing time whether other people think im as sexy as I do or not.
Big Love,
Bailey.

8 comments:

  1. Wow, you look great!! I wonder if a part of your happiness outside of Canada, may have been because you let yourself feel attractive, and the confidence that you had was seen and it was appealing. Something maybe you hadnt let happen at home? You have many reasons to be confident anywhere you go! Love the blogs

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  2. Great blog. As I say often, you have always been beautiful, but now you are becoming more aware of it and that is what will change boy's perspectives. Men aren't that smart; if you tell them you're hot, they believe it. Weight has little to do with beauty- confidence is everything.
    So- I look forward to the blog where you tell us that some hot hunk of dynamite pushes one of the skinny girls out of the way to have a minute of your time. It's going to happen all of the time very soon-- because you have one thing a lot of skinny girls don't have-- a beautiful beautiful beautiful gorgeous gorgeous face. Look at you!!!!
    Unfortanatel, when this goes down, two things will happen. A) You'll be too busy deflecting all the attention, and B) I think you're too humble to write that blog ;)

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  3. Baily you look amazing...I love reading your bloggs...I have always had a fat girl living inside me but the older i got and get i find she loses her voice...wish I had been as smart as you when I was your age.

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  4. I like your sassy, confident attitude. You attack life with gusto.

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  5. Happegirl.
    this idea of a boy blowing past her skinny friends and wanting her has happened.
    a while ago I went up to a gorgeous guy, and was told "skinny white girls arent my thing" and then he proceeded to point to my beautiful best friend and ask to talk to her.
    Bails you have always been beautiful, so happy you are finally realizing it.

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  6. From the pictures, you've always been beautiful.

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  7. Whatever! You're so pretty it should be illegal.

    I used to be the fat girl at the bar all the time too, but me and my girls would get stupid ass drunk. Haven't done that in a while. Guys would come up and introduce themselves and hit on my friends and act like I wasn't even sitting there. Once in a while, there would be one who wasn't a total asshole towards me, but they hardly ever hit on me. I just got used to it. I was the wing man and that was about it.

    Glad you have realized you aren't that girl meant to be looked over and ignored. You are hot, confident and full of energy and life. It does matter and it can be hurtful when guys act like douchebags and ignore you - makes you want to crawl in a hole sometimes. Not my Bailey though, you're too rockstar for that!

    Love the party pics! One day.... ;)

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  8. I think your attitude is great. I personally don't give a shit what other people think of me (obviously if they like me then great but anyone who doesn't then i dont care) but I know that I really need to improve on what I think of myself.

    Similar to what you said, there are days when I feel crap and days when I feel great. I just want to feel like the latter more often and there will be a day when that happens.

    P.S

    What do Canadian Guys and British Girls have in common? They must be blind cos we're both amazing and they don't see it! haha

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