Tuesday, August 28

all time low.

Will Power - apparently I have zero. No, that's no true, about 4 days a week I wake up with all the will power in the world but the Will Power Wizard from hell shows up somewhere between the hours of 4pm and 7pm and steals out from under my fucking nose.

I fucking suck. I have lost all control. I am up 4lbs and floating between 210-213 and I just brutally suck. Rarely I have days where I do well. Most days, even if I start out right, I end up binging by the end of the day. I have no control and I feel like I'm drowning in this pit of old habits. It's hellish. I can't wrap my head around it because I feel so out of control.

I'm not drinking enough water. I'm eating everything. I promise myself I will exercise and I never do. I'm a walking weight loss catastrophe. Where did my gumption go? Where did my fight go? In the fall I was at the gym, every night, sometimes for 2 hours and I was so committed, so into it. I want that back. I miss being strong. I have failed myself miserably.

I just don't know where to start. I keep trying to go back to basics. Health food, activity, counting calories but it's not happening for me. I don't know what I need either - do I need someone to call me fat? Do I need a work out buddy? Do I need to be bribed? Do I just need to give up completely? Cause i feel like that's where my subconscious is.. I start eating and then I think, well I'm not losing anyway, might as well have a fucking snack or fifteen. What's the difference?

It's brutal. I'm just another one of those people now who want to lose weight, complain about being overweight and continue to do the same shit that keeps me in the same spot. It's a hellish cycle. I want so badly to get out of it. I keep trying different shit, and it's tiring and frustrating and I feel mentally exhausted from all of this which is riduclous. But here I go again.

I've decided to cut out sugar for 30 days. My thinking behind this is that maybe by challenging myself for 30 days, abstaining from something that I need to work and mentally try to abstain from, that maybe it will get my head back in a good place for weight loss. I need to refocus SO badly.

So no sugar it is. No desserts, no bakery, no diet pop,...nope..you know what. No junk food. No chips, no candy.. nada. It's on like Donkey Kong. It starts tomorrow.. cold turkz. Anyone with me? It definitely would be nice to have someone suffer with me ahah, is that bad? I am just always alone in this journey it seems (besides of course the online community I have) but it seems like it would be better if someone had the same goals as me in my real life -we could like.. team up against fat sort of thing aha. Aw well.

So here goes another attempt, another game plan, another refocus, another "its a new day". Better than "I'm giving in" and certainly better than the plan I came up with earlier this week to give up and find a man who has a fat girl fetish - they exist, i promise-, and live a miserable existant where I was atleast treated as a goddess for being chunky. Yeah.. probably not as good as it sounds.

Big Love,


  1. I'm with you. I'm having trouble keeping up on social networking weight sites like mfp, but I'm with you as I am also having a struggle between 4-7pm. It's hard at that time. I find the trick is to get through 4 days-- that's my magic number, and then I seem to be able to make it to a goal. I think that it gets tough when you hit a plateau zone... the weight just came off for me until this point and now I have been here for a year bouncing at the same 10 pound range. People tell me, maybe that is where you are meant to land... I say, sure it is if I keep stuffing my face. :) But, I know I will make it. And, you will too- your old posts make a lot of sense... it is also a victory not to have a big gain over a long period of time. Be kind to yourself. Push yourself. I'm with you. But, be kind to yourself too.

  2. I think you're beautiful inside and out ;) much love b!

  3. Hey Bailey,
    I know its hard when you have your down weeks, I certainly have had my fair share! But don't let it get you down. Take a bit of a rest, clear your mind and try and bring yourself back to a positive point of view.
    You can't succeed if you feel that you need to deprive yourself of something, instead maybe tell yourself that you are going to treat yourself to clean eating.
    In the past few weeks I have really changed the way I thought and I am already seeing results!
    I hope that you do too!
    love you xxx

  4. AAwwww...Don't be so hard on yourself. We all fall off the band wagon at some point, but the important thing is YOU GETTING BACK ON! We can do this!

  5. I can so relate to this post. My latest kick is going wheat free to try and get my head back in the never ending weight loss game. I just read the book Wheat Belly, and it has me inspired. You can borrow it if you are interested. So I am not exactly doing the no sugar thing, but I am with you in doing an incredibly difficult challenge. I have convinced Al to try it with me for the first week too, so you have some support in us. Plus, if you are ever looking for a workout buddy, I could use one too. I seriously need to get my ass in gear! Do you know if/when classes start with Raima?

  6. I think that you're doing fantastic even in not giving up on the process. You have so much strength in even admitting that you aren't doing as well as you want to be. One thing that I have to keep telling myself over and over lately (that applies to so many things) is that you can't keep doing the same thing over and over and expect a different result!

  7. I've been having a similar problem lately, with will power going right out the window on the weekends. And by weekends I mean Thursday night through Sunday night. You have the right attitude, new day, new start. Good luck!

  8. Bailey!!!

    Right.....firstly WELL DONE for everything you have achieved so far!
    You are so honest with your fight against the bulge! as we call it in UK.

    Secondly .... here are so little tips I have picked up along the way hopefully some will help you!

    when you eat something and you think oh f**k it ive ruined my diet now might as well binge.....instead think oops I slipped up but im not going to let it spiral im not going to carry on im going to say BRITNEY!!! oops i did it again oh well il just eat healthy at dinner and not get down about it!

    rules....( i try to stick to)
    Dont eat after 9pm give your body a chance to wind down for sleep not digest your food
    Always have something in the morning even an apple
    eat sloooooooowly 20 seconds chewing 10 second rest
    put your knife and fork down in between bites
    Eat consciously ...dont eat popcorn while watching a movie etc you dont realise how much you are really eating.
    only eat when you are hungry....think am i hungry or am i trying to change my mood??? (all the cookies in the world wont make your bad mood better right???!!!)
    drink vodka fresh lime and soda tastes great and only 50 kcal :)
    work exercise into your daily routine i walk 40 mins to and from work as i get off the train 4 stops earlier...its cheaper and i get a nice walk every morning and time for me to sort stuff out in my head before i start work or debrief after work. so maybe park you car a 10 min walk away from work for starters.
    instead of your friends coming over for dinner/ movie night ...go swimming or walking.

    Thirdly you are amazing and i love you


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