Will Power - apparently I have zero. No, that's no true, about 4 days a week I wake up with all the will power in the world but the Will Power Wizard from hell shows up somewhere between the hours of 4pm and 7pm and steals out from under my fucking nose.
I fucking suck. I have lost all control. I am up 4lbs and floating between 210-213 and I just brutally suck. Rarely I have days where I do well. Most days, even if I start out right, I end up binging by the end of the day. I have no control and I feel like I'm drowning in this pit of old habits. It's hellish. I can't wrap my head around it because I feel so out of control.
I'm not drinking enough water. I'm eating everything. I promise myself I will exercise and I never do. I'm a walking weight loss catastrophe. Where did my gumption go? Where did my fight go? In the fall I was at the gym, every night, sometimes for 2 hours and I was so committed, so into it. I want that back. I miss being strong. I have failed myself miserably.
I just don't know where to start. I keep trying to go back to basics. Health food, activity, counting calories but it's not happening for me. I don't know what I need either - do I need someone to call me fat? Do I need a work out buddy? Do I need to be bribed? Do I just need to give up completely? Cause i feel like that's where my subconscious is.. I start eating and then I think, well I'm not losing anyway, might as well have a fucking snack or fifteen. What's the difference?
It's brutal. I'm just another one of those people now who want to lose weight, complain about being overweight and continue to do the same shit that keeps me in the same spot. It's a hellish cycle. I want so badly to get out of it. I keep trying different shit, and it's tiring and frustrating and I feel mentally exhausted from all of this which is riduclous. But here I go again.
I've decided to cut out sugar for 30 days. My thinking behind this is that maybe by challenging myself for 30 days, abstaining from something that I need to work and mentally try to abstain from, that maybe it will get my head back in a good place for weight loss. I need to refocus SO badly.
So no sugar it is. No desserts, no bakery, no diet pop,...nope..you know what. No junk food. No chips, no candy.. nada. It's on like Donkey Kong. It starts tomorrow.. cold turkz. Anyone with me? It definitely would be nice to have someone suffer with me ahah, is that bad? I am just always alone in this journey it seems (besides of course the online community I have) but it seems like it would be better if someone had the same goals as me in my real life -we could like.. team up against fat sort of thing aha. Aw well.
So here goes another attempt, another game plan, another refocus, another "its a new day". Better than "I'm giving in" and certainly better than the plan I came up with earlier this week to give up and find a man who has a fat girl fetish - they exist, i promise-, and live a miserable existant where I was atleast treated as a goddess for being chunky. Yeah.. probably not as good as it sounds.