Monday, September 17

10 Steps To Bringing A Girl Home

10. Don't brush your teeth before the bar. Nothing turns a girl on more than the mystery behind wondering what animal took a shit in your mouth before you came to the bar.

9. Make like Pitbull and "if you don't know her name - call her Bojangles". If you can't remember Bojangles just use your girlfriends name, your booty calls name..whatever works best for you. I don't like when you feel like you have to remember one measly name for a night at the bar - Bailey can be complicated and I don't mind being Britney for a few hours.

8. Try to dance with every single one of my friends, and all the other girls in the bar in plain eye sight then make your way to me. You're clearly just trying to make me jealous, right?.........right?

7. Don't even offer to buy me a drink before asking me what I'm doing after the bar closes. In fact - ask if you can have money to buy yourself one - I like that you've been unemployed for a few years, who needs a job when you still live with your mom!

6. Wear enough cologne that I can smell you come into the bar from the top floor and dancing with you puts me on the brink of Anaphylaxis.

5. Please gel your frosted tips the afternoon of and wash your freshest graphic Ed Hardy tee with all the jewels. That way I can pick you out as the biggest douche in the entire place and skip the small talk - I wanna head to your place asap.

4. Mention your "open relationship" with your girlfriend who clearly has no idea how open her relationship actually is. It will make you seem trendy and open minded and I'm very down with that.

3. Make sure to touch me totally inappropriately before you even say Hello. I hate small talk so having complete strangers grope me to Chris Browns latest hit was just what I came to the bar for.

2. Furthermore, I love surprises so sneak attacks to attempt to anally penetrate me when I'm dancing with my friends and least expecting it is the #1 trick to get this girl home!

1. Don't treat me with any dignity or respect or as if I'm a human at all. That way I know that you will definitely treat me like a lady later that night! 

After spending an awesome weekend with my friends dancing and drinking I was inspired to write this. You would think that maybe I had a bad experience this weekend when in fact I didn't at all - I had a blast and my faith in normal guys was restored. I danced with one guy who was super nice, fun and didn't try to give me a Pap Test on the dance floor.

Unfortunately, this doesn't always happen. Sometimes guys are just absolutely ridiculous at bars. They think they can just do whatever they wish without our consent. Maybe its our faults for wearing short skirts and dancing "provocatively" but I don't go up to a guy who is dressed up and dancing and pull down his pants. So please guys - stop pulling up our skirts on the dance floor! Not cool! Just because a few sluts have let you do it does not mean every girl at the bar wishes to be treated that way. It takes a special kind of fucked up girl to let that shit fly.

I actually don't get approached by guys who want to take me home often so don't take this post as a over confident chat about all the guys who try to bring me home after the bar. In fact - it's pretty rare. The truth is that guys definitely are a bit aggressive at bars these days and after having a really good weekend I thought I'd crack a few jokes about the douche bags that can ruin bars for those of us who just want to dance and have a good time.

I want to hear your crazy bar stories! What was the craziest shit that ever happened to you at a bar? I should definitely whip out some stories.

Big Love,
Bailey.

15 comments:

  1. Guys can be so sketchy! I once had a guy stick his finger...yah, dead serious. That was the end of my clubbing days...

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  2. this didnt help me at all.

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  3. hahaha this is hilarious! you just described every clubbing experience I've ever had.

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    1. Hahah. I feel bad for us girls..but at least it's sort of entertaining right? aha

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  4. Love it! This is great... totally 100% fool proof!

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  5. This is hilarious! I just found your blog but I'll def be coming back!!! :) Guys really do suck.

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  6. By the way, craziest bar story, my friends and I were at beach bars in our city where we found what seemed to be like some nice guys, so we bar hopped with them. Eventually, we found out that they were all married and locally ported at the port down the street. We got up pretttttty fast after one guy said "it's not like our wives will EVER know!" Ewwww.

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    1. Boys are SO bad!! ahh! This seriously happens to girls all the time. So bad. To be fair to guys though, some girls totally hunt down taken guys.

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  7. Hilarious. Sort of glad my bar night are long gone :)

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  8. That was hilarious, I can hear you saying every single one of those things pretty clearly.

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  9. Haha cute list. Unfortunately, no crazy bar stories for me ;)

    Thanks for linking up with our Wednesday Walkabout!

    Chantal @ Scattered Seashells

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  10. My college roommate once made out with a dude at a bar and Facebooked him later, only to find out he had a wife and a newborn baby! I know it's not technically my story, but it's way too crazy not to share.

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    1. I actually think this happens to more girls who don't even know. I met a guy at a bar once, nothing happened but he really wanted to the hotel i was at. I said no, I was with my friends, blah blah blah. He took my number and called me a few times and I ignored it. Then he texted me a few days later, and I asked who it was, totally forgetting the number. Then I get a text from a different number, a girl telling me to stop texting her boyfriend. Boys are so bad! I didn't even know, he said he was single, and I didnt even know who I was texting! lol Husbands and baby daddies totally do this shit all the time - it aint right.

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