Wednesday, December 19

lets just get real for a sec.

I have a confession to make. You guys are going to be like "DUH!" but here it is. I've been a shitty blogger. The reason I've been a shitty blogger is because I've been a confused person and the reason I've been a confused person is because life is so fucking complicated.

As you probably know if you are a real life acquaintance or read my blog regularly I moved to California two months ago to pursue a real life relationship with the love of my life.. who I met on the internet. Yeah. Crazy. I know. Since then my life has been in a state of confusion and new things and.. just blurry. I never really know how I'm feeling, how long it will last or how to be honest with myself about how I feel. The problem with having a blog where I talk about everything is that its hard to know what to say and be honest about it when you really don't know the truth about how you feel.. its even confusing to fucking explain!

I have rarely talked about my relationship on here. I can tell you two things. 1) It was not the perfect trip and we are not the perfect couple. 2) I love that guy a million times over and I'm so glad I spent the last 2 months experiencing so many new things.

I've debated on whether to talk about my relationship on here, the ups and downs and whats happening next. It's complicated because I've always been honest about my life - weight loss, travel, self love, whatever but the hard part is that I'm always failing at shit and I have to let people down. I dont want to let people down if my outcome with Mark isn't what they wanted. I need to remember it's about Mark and I though and that you guys are the awesome supporters along for the ride and I know deep down you guys all rock and support me either way. It's just hard. I will never be perfect but sometimes I would like to be for you guys.

I will let you in on some Mark and Bailey stuff though. First of all - I thought you guys might wanna see some cuteness. Aside from the fact that Maddy thinks we look alike and that freaks me out - I think we're pretty darn adorable.



Meeting Mark was one of the best choices I ever made. I believe all love is special and our love is no exception. He's my best friend and the times we shared..man.. so awesome. I miss him already and it hasn't even been 48 hours. I feel an emptiness that I'm afraid will never go away. He is a part of me and I am definitely struggling with being away from him. I mean..look at that face, hes fucking adorable.

That being said we definitely struggled. I missed my friends, he was busy with school and that sent me into some pretty lonely and sad states. When I get sad, I shut down. I shut down, he feels lonely, we feel distance, we fight. It was hard. Before going we had our issues and I knew it wouldn't be easy but I didn't quite realize the battles I would have to face. There were some dark days for me. Thankfully, there were some awfully bright days as well.

I always felt stifled while writing out there. I didn't know what I was feeling so how was I suppose to share it? I didnt feel like a fake as I wrote the blogs because I was always being honest but I was also hiding the parts of my life that were sad and hard for me to face - like when I felt alone and stranded and helpless. I didn't want to write if Mark and I had a bad day because I didn't want to make Mark out to be a monster or to make myself out to be an unstable emotional bomb! At the same time I wasn't going to write blog after blog about some perfect life full of sunshines and rainbows because having a boyfriend and being in love doesn't turn your life into that.. it just doesnt.

I just want you guys to know a bit more and hopefully understand why I have been a little distanced from this blog lately. Every time I signed on and noticed I hadn't written in four days and that I didn't even have the desire to I felt sad because this blog is SO important to me. I just don't want to write angry, hasty things but I want to be REAL as well. And I guess this is me being real.

As far as updates go Mark and I are still together. Last weekend was rough, we had an issue and I finally got some things off my chest and so did he and I think it really helped us. I felt so much weight rise off my shoulders and while we decided to break up after I left, I felt a sense of relief after our blow out.

We spent the rest of the week with very few arguments and so many good times. Things were more open and we made apologies for things that needed to be apologized for. We spent more time together, enjoyed each others company, went on outings and honestly showed each other so much love. It was a reminder of why I was there.. because Mark is my love.

So now I don't know where we stand. Things don't change overnight and I'm not sure what needs to change to make us work better or if it's better for us to be apart. We have decided to just wait it out - no break up, we will see how things are in a couple weeks. After leaving I realized how empty I feel without him.. it's like my heart is in another place and it gives me a different perspective. It's hard - how do I know what is right? How do I know what is best for both of us? I guess I will find out.

Relationships are hard. This is my first relationship ever and it was quite a doozy to throw myself into! But if given the chance I would do it again.. it has been the most amazing experience. I have learned so much about myself as a person, as a woman, as a girlfriend. I have tried so many new things. I have experienced a deep love and friendshi with someone that I have never experienced anything like.. that is special and to be appreciated.

Right now I am going to enjoy my holiday and continue to be thankful for everything especially for you guys - for being here with my through thick and thin!

Happy Holidays and I'll be talking to you again soon.
big love,
Bailey J

7 comments:

  1. Perfect doesn't exist! Don't even think about letting people down. We read your blog because you are real, completely relateable, and make us all feel less alone in this confusing and wild world! I can totally relate to your long distance relationship love issues. I have gone through it for the last two years,and continue to do so. Some things get easier, and not to break your heart, but a lot of things never do. It is hard. It is amazing. It teaches you, and changes you. It breaks you down, but it also lifts you right back up. It is pretty much one crazy ride, but so worth it for true love. If it is meant to be, it will be. So cliche, but also so true. It sounds to me like you have conquered (or at least well on your way to conquering the hardest part), figuring out and accepting that there should be no regrets, in life or a relationship. If it doesn't work out, you have learned about yourself, grown as a person, experienced new things, loved and have grew stronger as a human being from having loved and lost (a real toughie). That is so awesome. And if it does work out, that is obviously awesome too. It's kind of a win win in the grander scheme of life. And do not feel bad for a being a bit of a slack bloggger...I haven't written in like months! Happy Holidays to you and your family! I hope this giant comment didn't take too much time out of the festivities haha.

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  2. Great blog Bail...as always! Love you XOXOXO

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  3. Relationships are hard. Period. Long distance relationships are ten times as hard. My hubby and I were apart for most of our dating relationship. I saw him only when he had school breaks (college) and I was on GM. He was in Rhode Island, not as far away as Mark from you, but it's not about how far, but making your relationship work even though you can't see each other. Oh, and we didn't have Skype or email at the time. It was just snail mail and phone calls. (Yeah, I'm THAT old) LOL! I cried myself to sleep at LOT of nights and remember all too well, that lonely empty feeling you described. It's not a path I'd recommend to anyone, but if you have those genuine feelings for each other, it's worth fighting/working for. Fortunately or unfortunately those warm fuzzy feelings do fade over time. Not that you never feel them again, because you do, but they're not constant. That's the commitment part. When you have to decide whether to tough it out because what you have together is more important than the BS that life brings your way.

    As for not knowing what to write or how much to share, I absolutely get that. How much is too much, how personal is TMI? In fact that's why I haven't written anything since the summer. So much deep and personal stuff happened and I can't figure out what to say or not say.

    You're fabulous and special and you don't need to worry about letting people down. If they love you and care about you for real, then they will continue to love, and appreciate you and support you no matter what. Failing at things only proves that you're human. It's OK to screw up, to make mistakes. The hard part is learning from them and moving on. That's the bit that makes you a successful adult. So, I'd say you're immensely successful, even when you fail. You have a lot of insight, and a lot more than many people in your age group. You should be proud of yourself and stand tall, with your head held high. We all have crap to deal with and our own mistakes to make. Anyone who focuses on yours rather than their own isn't worth your time. Write what you feel, it's helpful for figuring out the junk in your life. Keep on keepin' on, Bail!

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  4. Loved this blog post bail :) You are such a strong woman and I could never have done what you did, I can't do half the stuff you do. But to fly across the country to pursue a love you found on the internet would be something I wouldn't have the guts to do! I'm so happy for your experiences good and bad and even though I can't relate to the distance of your love, I can relate to the confusion of it all. I'm dealing with alot of that confusion at the moment as well and it really made me feel less alone to read this post. We're in a "wait and see" phase as well. I hope that you find your answers and I wish you all the best lovey :)

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  5. eh perfect is boring and you are far from that...
    i decided not all that long ago that i was tired of living a life that wasn't me and have since changed my blog and put it ALL out there -- good and bad!
    including a 20 lb. regain and more details about my personal relationships...
    love me or leave me... and some followers have lol!
    i think you rock balls no matter what!

    xxoo

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  6. Haha, Perfect. Haha, I wish that were real :) Xo Megan, www.TfDiaries.com

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  7. Love your honesty and love that you're showing us that blog lives aren't always rainbows and butterflies. Taking a risk and moving for a guy is pretty bold and exciting and I'm sure you've learned a TON!

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