Monday, December 30

Smell you later, 2013.

2013... where do I start? I honestly have no idea. Sometimes I feel good about this year but most times I feel, well...bad. I looked back at my goals from last years nye blog and though I worked on some, I really failed at getting anywhere with my life this year. One thing I can say for sure is that I learned so much about myself, people and life in general this year and grew in a lot of unexpected ways.

This was the year of ultimate fails when it came to men. As opposed to other years where nothing was happening at all, this year I just made some poor decisions when it came to trusting certain people. I started 2013 with hope for transforming my relationship with Mark and for us becoming some sort of unrealistic super relationship dream team. I moved back to California with high hopes but it turned into the mess it was always destined to be and moving home was the best decision but so hard and took so much outta me. Unfortunately it left me with so much baggage, a broken heart and I was more insecure than I'd ever been. It was a long haul until the spring.

I have spent this year gaining weight and teetering between feeling like a strong, independent woman and feeling like no one will ever love me - like I just simply do not deserve a healthy relationship free of emotional abuse and fidelity. The ladder has been the more powerful and consistent feeling and resonates through out other relationships I tried to forge and the men I saught to have them with. There was the guy who said he liked me then ignored me;the guy who "didnt want a gf", who I was sure would choose me if he changed his mind, only to go see him and him tell me had a gf;the guy who I desperately wanted to be good enough for who.. of course had a girlfriend and the guy who chased and chased and chased me, kissed me, then told me he had a girlfriend. Sick recruits, Bail!

I was consistently the other girl (not necessarily sex - it was sometimes very innocent) without really knowing it for the last quarter of 2013. This was absolutely awful and made me never want to even speak to another man ever again. I was left feeling guilty and wondering when I was ever going to be good enough to be chosen to actually be the girlfriend. If these guys could talk to me all the time, get along with me so well, kiss me, etc why couldn't they date me? It was totally awful on my confidence and my psyche. Exhaustion!

I've been pondering (and by pondering I mean eating and crying alot) over all of this and have decided that in 2014 I'm giving up men (sure hope you guys didnt think I was just going to bitch and then not resolve anything.) When I announced that I was giving up men for my NY resolution my friend Bre asked "For women!?". No, not quite. I'm not saying that if an amazing guy came along I would be like 'Fuck off' but I am not longer going to seek men to date or love or hook up with. I'm not sure if I can do it but I'd like to try to just stop worrying about would save me a lot of grief.

This may sound selfish (and cliche and stupid) but I wanna "do me" this year. I want to try to be a more awesome Bailey J and work on my health and my soul and try to find out who I am and who I want to be instead of waiting for a guy to build my life around. Honestly, I'd love to find my soul mate and just work my life around him but that's easy and stupid - I dont want to be that girl. It's the hardest thing ever trying to figure out what my purpose is but if I can then I could end up happy and attracting the kind of guy I'd like to attract.

I'm moving my ass to Saint John tomorrow and going to focus on my health, finding a job and growing up a bit. I have high hopes for 2014 - it's an even number and I'm gonna kill this shit. 2013 was rough and intense but there were some great moments, not gonna lie - I had way too much fun.  Either way, I'm ready for some new adventures, struggles, growth and allllll that jazz!

And here's a little highlight reel for 2013... note that all my fun moments were parties ha.

Move to Sacramento!

Rach and Cass's bday celebz!

Surprise party for me!! Thx Ash!! <3 p="">

My first shot of patron!

Lots of Tequila with my future roomie! Ever single time. 

Boat tour with Maddy and Di

San Diego w/ Ash
Christmas with my family! 

Crazy but awesome year - there were some really great moments. It was a year of being so thankful for friends and family and all their awesome support - couldn't do it without you guys! 

Big Love and HAPPY NEW YEAR!! xo
Bailey J 

Wednesday, December 25

Christmas 2013

WOW. What a crazy weekend I had. If you follow my personal facebook page you're aware of the craziness that ensued as my parents and I tried to get to Ottawa in the craziest ice storm in years. If not, I'll give you a little update.

Saturday we packed up and headed to Saint John for the night as we planned to fly out in the AM. Before we went to bed Saturday night, we got a call and found out our flight was cancelled - sweet. They had rebooked us on a different flight the following Tuesday (WTF?!) with a delay that didn't put us in Ottawa until Christmas Day. We weren't having that so we rebooked on a flight that left the next AM at 6 and went to bed.

When I woke up, I checked the flight status. We knew things could easily be delayed and cancelled so I was a bit hyper active about it. I noticed our flight wasn't even on the list for departures at YSJ and panicked. We ignored it and headed to the airport and found out there was a big delay once we made it there. Because of the weather that was slowly becoming insane, my parents didn't want to get back on the highway so we settled in at the airport for our 6 hour delay. I was sleep deprived and unimpressed.

By noon our flight had been delayed again until 2. At this point we started to realize these people were just keeping us pleased - this flight wasn't taking off and it wasn't looking like any of the other flights departing from Saint John were either. We rebooked for Monday morning at 11 and went to my aunts house for some non airport bench sleep.

When we tried again Monday morning you can guess what happened - delayed, delayed and no promise of leaving the airport. At this point I was 2 seconds away from a melt down and we were stuck between desperate to get to Ottawa with our family and ready to go the hell home. We had one last option - chance the icy roads and head to Moncton in hope that a flight to Ottawa would leave there that afternoon. We decided to yolo it and hit the road.

Luckily for us it wasn't AWFUL and we made it to Moncton safe and sound. Moncton is a much bigger airport than Saint John and since flights were leaving things were popping there. I decided that if our flight didn't go I was hopping on the plane that was headed to Jamaica - fuck it. Luckily, even though we were delayed, we actually boarded a plane after two days of waiting and though it wasn't on time, the plane took off and that's what matters.

These faces made it all seem worth it! We're in Ottawa and Christmas was awesome and chaotic and exactly how it should be. I spent Christmas Eve hanging out, eating dinner with my family and doing last minute wrapping. Christmas was awesome - I was spoiled as usual and the kids were so much fun. I received so many nice gifts from my friends and family and I'm feeling so happy and fortunate! Christmas was a  definite success. 

I received the naked palette I wanted from my amazing cousin, Rachel. You should've seen me when I receieved it - lost my shit. I also received the boots I mentioned in my wish list post and I loooove them. My mama totally surprised me and got me not one, but TWO new pairs of Toms (in black and red). I was shocked and it was the perfect surprise. I love toms. I got lots of awesome beauty products, some faves and some new ones to try and a gorgeous necklace and ring that I love. 

Stocking - my favorite!

Best part of our holiday? 

It will be hard to leave these guys on Friday but I'm looking forward to NYE with my friends and seeing Tam who gets home from BC tomorrow!! Hope you all had a very merry christmas/happy holiday!

big love,
Bailey J 

Friday, December 20

Wish List 2013

Because I have been so back and forth about my plans for 2014 I wasn't really sure what I wanted for I literally could think of nothing reasonable. I like practical - I don't want things I can't/won't use so I wanted to have things for travel if I decided to do so or things for moving to the city if that is what I chose (I'll touch more on what I chose in a post after Christmas). Unfortunately for anyone who wants to shop for me I'm frustratingly last minute so I didn't know of anything I really wanted until recently. The following are my Top 5 things I would love to receive. 

This is my favorite Naked Palette yet - gorgeous colors. Ever since I saw it I was like - I need it. I'm not a huge eye shadow person but these are generally the shades I lean towards when I get all buck wild in the make up department. Want want want. 
I'm SO picky about boots but I'm so in love with these Wine Colored boots from Forever 21. Now if I can just find a black pair I love (these look cheap in black - no me gusta) I'd be set! 

3. Winter Tires
Yep - I'm officially the lamest 22 year old ever. I find the idea of nice tires on white lightning quite thrilling as I don't wish to lose control. Ever since I almost had an accident last winter I'm totally nervous on the road now which I never was.. I'm getting way too paranoid. Anyways - Im leaving my car at the shop while I'm away on Christmas Vacation and when I get back there's going to be winter tires on that puppy and Mom is paying for half so - Merry Christmas to me - thanks Ma!! 

Snow tires and make up... what a woman! I think these are so awesome for storing make up - so organized and lovely. This one is sort of giant but I LOVE it and would love to buy even more make up to fill this baby up. I definitely don't need one that is so extravagant but I'd like one anyway. 

5. Gift Cards
I am not someone who thinks Gift Cards are thoughtless and lame - I LOVE me some gift card action. You can get me a gift card to pretty much anywhere and I will appreciate it and most certainly find a way to spend it. I find giving money a bit lame for some reason - gift cards means I'm sure to go buy something not just pay off my visa (LAME!). Gift cards fo' life. 

What is at the top of your wishlist this year? 

Big Christmas Love,
Bailey J 

Wednesday, December 18

She Is Christmas.

This year I won't be spending Christmas at home. My parents and I will fly to Ottawa on the 22nd to spend Christmas with my brother, his wife and their four children. This is awesome and I'm very excited to see everyone and make some Christmas memories. I'd be a big fat liar if I said I wasn't bummed when I found out though. Here's why.

Christmas to me is all about being home with my friends and family. I love my house at Christmas - the tree, the decorations, the old countdown that is falling apart at the seams, the cards, the treats, the movies and the candles in the windows. They bring me serious joy - December has always been my favorite month. Then there is Christmas Brunch - the event of the year for me and Rachel who I have spent 97% of my Christmas mornings with. I find the thought of not spending Christmas with her very sad.

Rach and I in our Sunday best ready for some brunch with our pepsi.

I love the hustle and bustle and excitement of the 23rd and 24th. I love last minute shopping. I love seeing everyone who is back on the island for Christmas. I love it all and I will miss it but the truth is that I need to grow up. We still have a tree, we still have decorations and Christmas with my family will be amazing even though being in Ontario isn't what I'm used to. I'll still see my friends and last minute shopping is inevitable in every province.

The extra truth of it, that I have realized just recently, is that Christmas will be Christmas as long as I spend it with my mom. My mom makes Christmas. She is behind the treats, the decorations, the advent calendar and all the love I have for Christmas. I inherited her excitement (or anxiety as it may be) about Christmas and though I feel sorry for her, there is something I love about the fact that the whole month before Christmas she is up earlier than most humans because she can't sleep.

My mother has made Christmas special for me every single year. She is the reason Christmas is a happy time of year for me and as long as I'm with my mom, Christmas will always be wonderful. When I finally grow up and someone decides to marry me and I spend my first Christmas away from her - I will cry. But until then, I will enjoy Christmas wherever I am as long as it's with her because she is Christmas to me.

I love you, mom - thank you for making this the best time of year. There is no one like you.

Big Love,
Bailey J 

Friday, December 13

Things That Make Me Poop My Pants

If you have ever considered dating me or at least kissing me please do not read this.
Also.. call me. :)

Okay, I don't ever actually poop my pants when im sober but I recently started thinking about all the things that make me nervous and anxious to the point where I could shit myself (with good reason, I promise it didn't just pop into my head). First of all - is that an issue? I get so worked up sometimes that I get the nerve shits over things and I'm just now considering that that might not be okay. Anyways, not my point.

Right now I'm in major transition mode. I'm planning to move to the big stinky city, find a new job, have a new place and start a kind of new life. This scares the actual shit out of me and if I dwell on it my stomach rumbles. My awesome cousin is kindly trying to set me up with an interview at her place of work and although it excites me, I have been doing major stressing about starting a new job. I was very comfortable at my previous job and though at times I was the only waitress with a full house, I felt in control because I knew the job so well. I'm nervous but I'm excited and I think it's important to push myself to do things that scare me.

After thinking about this I compiled a small list of other examples in life that make me poop my pants a little. Here goes nothin'.

Driving somewhere new. My legs go numb and my stomach drops.
Driving Uptown Sj. Specifically, this area makes me so nervous. I almost come close to killing someone every time.
When someone yells at me. I'm a passive aggressive baby who avoids confrontation. I WILL cry. And then shit my pants. Just kidding. Kinda.
Meeting A Fish. Unless I'm 10 drinks deep I spend the first few minutes clenching. No more of that though - read this to check out why.
Ordering food from a man. This one is fucked but I'm honest with you all. I will almost always avoid ordering from a place in a mall or a restaurant if the employee is a dude. Im guessing it stems from my insecurities, weight issues and total bad luck with guys. I have starved myself in an airport before because it was all dudes and I'd feel sick every time I went to order. I'm totally wild - I know.
Singing in Public. This is a fairly common one. When I used to sing in public often be on the verge of neerve shits all day and I would get crazy nervous until I was on the stage. Once I was up there I was totally fine.
Hanging out with a guy I like. I've clearly got a story for this one. One night I drove from Sj to Freddy to see a guy I really liked after eating 10lbs of chinese and poutine. Not only was I nervous to see him but eventually I started getting nervous that my nerves combined with the Linn Chau would make me shit myself at his house or at least some other disgusting bodily function would take place around him. We were definitely NOT in a fart around each other stage so I was freaking the fuck out. Luckily, he was kinda awesome and once I was there I wasn't nervous... coulda been bad.

& last but not least Guatemalan McDonalds. Every time..and not because I'm nervous.

What makes you nervous and anxious? I hope you don't poop your pants but its okay if you do.

Big Love,
Bailey J

Monday, December 9

Why I Deleted My POF Profile

I created my Plenty Of Fish account in August of this year with hopes of possibly having my first date, getting to know some guys and maybe ending up in a relationship. The options on Grand Manan are none for me but the stigma surrounding online dating had always kept me from trying. After flying across the continent to meet the then love of my life whom I accidentally met on the internet, I decided I had a POF profile beat already and I may as well give er a go. If anyone was going to judge me they already had when I met Mark so I thought fuck it, judge away.

I took you all along for the ride and with the crazy messages and crazy boys that I have shared with you, I have shared my experiences meeting 2 of the 3 men of I have met from POF (the 3rd I just met this weekend so I'll get to that). One ended up being sexy but a bit of an asshole and one was nice, but is leaving NB . I'm not about to get myself into another extremely long distance relationship - no thank you. The 3rd guy, who I ended up sort of running into at the bar this weekend shocked me. Before we met I thought he was a bit weird and at times he annoyed the hell out of me but I ended up having a lot of fun with him Saturday night. Him and I won't develop into anything though so.. im 0 for 3.

Of the hundreds (I say this honestly, not boastfully - every girl gets hundreds of messages on POF) of messages I've received, I've had genuine chemistry with only 2 who have proved to be genuinely decent guys. One, I have met, and like I said is leaving the province unfortunately. The other guy is miles out of my league and I'm way too nervous to meet him. This leaves me, after hundreds of messages, still single, still having never been on a real date and still wondering what the hell I'm doing wrong.

Although POF has been good on the self esteem some days, it also doesn't get much accomplished and brings up the same depressing questions I had about why I'm perpetually single before the online dating scene. So really, POF isn't getting me anywhere. In the end, 99.9% of the men on there are looking for a piece of ass which isn't what I'm about. I end up falling for guys who don't actually want relationships, even though they might convince me they do, and it doesn't add up to much for me.

So I deleted my account or hid my profile or whatever it is you do and I'm back to just accepting being single forever now. I will miss being told I'm pretty by complete strangers, and I will miss the hilarious and entertaining messages but I won't miss how exhausting it is to try and find someone decent in a sea of non decency and I won't miss being asked about my shaving habits, if I like anal or if I'm interested in a threesome. POF just is not the place for finding a healthy relationship or avoiding questions about anal - lesson learned.

I guess I'll just end this by asking you to all hook me up with your weirdo single relatives and friends and hope for the best.

Big Love,

PS. This article... lawl.

Sunday, December 1

An Interesting 24 Hours

The last 24 hours of my life is comprised of a lot of regular day to day events because typically my life is pretty lame. For some reason I got lucky and have had 3 not so common events (none of which are the death of Paul Walker) take place in the last 24 hours. I'll start with last night.

1) I celebrated a mans 100th birthday! ONE HUNDRED YEARS, he has been alive! This in itself is amazing but this mans vitality is the real wonder. He still lives on his own, drives, makes homemade boats and sleds, goes clamming and so many other things that a lot of people my age don't do. He is an amazing man and I was honored to be able to be a part of his surprise birthday party.I was the most epic birthday party I have ever attended and I would be surprised if anything ever tops it!

Imagine 600+ people who know and love you singing you Happy Birthday on your 100th birthday! Amazing! That's a life to be proud of.

2) I went out for nachos and beers with my friends and ended up at the hospital. It was nothing serious but not my typical Saturday night. I was sitting down, hanging out with all of a sudden I got hit with severe chest pain and it wouldn't go away. After about 15 minutes and no relief my friends took me to the hospital (I know - Im such a buzzkill) - mostly because it was scaring the shit out of me. By the time I got there I was feeling better just shaken up. They figure it was either stress or reflux. 

It all started with a couple of Alabama Slammers lol 

The funniest part of the night was the doctor asking if he could feel my stomach and him trying to get under my many layers - 2 layers of dress, slip, tights and spanx - good work Doc! He then decided that my bladder was tender and made me pee in a cup. As I mentioned I had been drinking before this so me trying to pee in a cup with a buzz-on was quite a show. He notified me that I have perfect urine (I'm taking it as a compliment) and I was sent home. What a night. 

3) I got a shout out on a french radio station this afternoon. This is both interesting and hilarious to me because I don't speak french.. like I really don't speak french. I met a guy on POF who has a french radio station and I said I'd listen but I wouldn't understand. He was nice enough to give me a shout out or 2 though which was very sweet and a bit funny to me. It's not everyday a total stranger gives you a shout out on a radio station you don't even understand. Merci beaucoup ;)

Never a dull moment, people, never.

What is something out of the ordinary that happened to you in the past 24 hours? Or ever? 

Big Love,

Friday, November 29

POF Gem Of The Day

Sometimes you get introductory messages on POF that make you say, "Really?! REALLY?!" Some examples are
"                                             "Nice rack".... Hello to you, too, sir!
"Wanna fck"..... No, I'm good, thanks though. I'll be sure to give you or one of the other 100 users who asked me that today a shout when I decide I'm up for it. 
"Do you like anal?".....Excuse me?

And then you get a gem like this........
DA FUQ?! Who asks that?! 34 year old virgins from Maine, apparently. 

Big love,

Monday, November 25

Startin' From The Bottom

I'm feeling hella philosophical today - all kinds of wise thoughts floating through my head right now, it's ridiculous. Bare with me.

The past two months have been huge for me. I've had many eye openers, learning experiences and general personal growth in the past few months even though it may seem like I have absolutely nothing figured out. The event that got the ball rolling was going to California. Yes, this has to do with Mark but going to California also let me step away from my life and work situation and analyze it with a clear mind and a new perspective.

I went to California hoping for an awesome time with Ashley and closure with Mark. I found both of these things but came home with so much more. I finally felt like I was standing up to someone who had been abusive to me and although it sounds a little crazy coming out of my mouth - I felt powerful again and I felt I had regained my voice and I wasn't afraid to feel anything or say anything anymore because I wasn't scared of losing anything or anyone anymore. This experience was huge for me and verbalizing so many of the things that I had felt over the past year with him was therapeutic and awesome.

The realization of the power I had over my own life and the power I had over the shitty situations in my life is a large part of removing myself from other abusive situations and people and also a part of quitting my job. Another personal relationship of mine recently ended and although it's sad and I'm hurt, I also know that this relationship was soon to start taking a negative toll on me and was not going anywhere healthy. I am sad for my loss but have found solace in knowing it's most likely for the best.

Although it may seem to people that my life is askew (and you'd be totally right ), for me it feels like my life is coming together in a way. Personal growth is as good as any other kind, whether it's financial or professional or what have you, and I feel as though by things falling apart, they are coming together. I have found so much clarity lately and it feels great. No - I don't have a full time job now, No I'm not in a relationship but sometimes not having those things is better than having those things and them negatively affecting your life.

So I'm startin' from the bottom again but it's exciting and not knowing what's next is half the fun. It's important for me to keep myself surrounded by people who make my life better and I'm beyond blessed to have so many of those people. Life may not be perfect but it's pretty damn good.

Big Love,

Friday, November 22

8 POF Users I Refuse To Reply To

Plenty of Fish is a piece of shit site but I keep my account up and running with a glimmer of hope that a decent guy is looking for a decent girl who is me. I know it's not going to happen but hey - crazier things have happened, right? ....right? 

I get a lot of messages, some aren't that awful and some are ridiculous. It's been an entertaining few months using POF and it's about time I introduced you to some of the guys I won't be meeting since I've covered the guys I have already met. These are the top types of users that will not see a reply from this fisherwoman. 

The Novelist. The novelist seems sincere and to someone who isn't totally cynical he might even come off as genuine. The novel is usually their life story about love and loss, being a good guy and how much he'd like to get to know me. Lucky for me I'm cynical as fuck and all I read when I receive these novels from hell is "I copy and pasted this to every single girl I could find on POF and even some of the girls on my Facebook". Next please.


The Trying Too Hard Guy This guy is a hoot. He is very excited about talking to you and uses tons of exclamations marks to prove it!!!!!! You have SO much in common and he is interested in all the same things you are - well at least the ones you listed on your profile. Really, John, you're interested in dancing, mini golf, travel, volunteer and volleyball? We must be soul mates.

The Car Even though there are rules about only using pictures of yourself, I still receive messages from cars and other inanimate objects pretty frequently. By this I mean that I receive messages from men who have stupid pictures or some don't have pictures at all. I almost never reply to these people because I'm human and attraction is important - chances are there is a reason you didn't post a picture and it's not because you're normal.

The Texter This guy says Hey and as soon as you reply instantly asks for your number so you can text. 3 words : DON'T DO IT! If he was cute and said something normal like "Hey, How are you?" then I reply but if his second message is about getting my number I instantly shut him down. Fuck all that. I have given out my number too early before and I won't do it again. Once they have it you can't take it back, ladies!

The HornyGuy29128 I have been messaged by multiple men who's usernames include the word horny and a series of irrelevant numbers (the most popular being 69 which happens to be relevant to them). Never will I ever even consider replying to someone with that username...ever. The obvious reason is that they're clearly looking for something that I am not providing and the just as obvious second reason because that they disgust me.

The Eager Beaver This guy barely says hello before he asks you to hang out and meet up. Maybe that is normal but not for this chick. I want to talk to you for a while, have you on fb, know you're a real person and probably hear your voice before I ever even think about meeting you. Relax, bro.

The Insecure Guy Like most people, I find confidence attractive and nothing turns me off quicker than a guy who harasses me asking if I won't reply because he's ugly/stupid/etc. I'm not replying because you are harassing me.

The Alphabet Shit Storm. This guy is just plain lazy! His username is alsdalsd and his profile is full of "asf;dg;kjfhlkjfhljalskf MESSAGE ME". Um.. no.

And without further adieu.. the absolute worst.

The Challenged Guy. Nothing makes me crazier than a guy who messages me and can barely spell his name. You don't have to actually know how to spell but you should at least have the dignity to use spellcheck - don't most computers automatically put in the squiggly red line these days? This causes me so much frustration. Also using 2 as to/too, 4 as for, U as you or any other ridiculousness will almost instantly turn me off.

There are exceptions to some of my rules. For example, if a guy with no picture sends me a message that says "Hi" I'm obviously not going to be that compelled to write back as I have nothing to be attracted to and he's immediately boring me. If a super hot guy without any 6's or 9's in his username messages me "Hi" I'm probably going to be shallow and reply. "Hi", "Hey" and "Hello" are acceptable conversation starters but I usually need something else like an interesting profile or picture to catch my attention in order for a reply to take place.

I am not the most beautiful girl in the world, or on pof, or even in this room (okay, maybe in this room since I'm alone) but I think I'm an okay catch and this post is not me being stuck up - it's me being funny and honest about the crazies I've encountered on that site. I've been lucky enough to meet some cool guys who are nice to talk to and that's better than nothing.

I have asked you to share your online dating stories with me before and I absolutely love hearing about them so please leave a comment if you have a good story about a message you received, a date you went on or if you just want to say hello!

I'm sure I'll be back with lots more tales from the POF Saga so keep an eye out.
Big Love,

Thursday, November 21

10 Reasons Life Is Currently Awesome

10. It is still not snowing - thank the lord. 
9. I get to work tomorrow for 7 whole hours. YAY WORK! 
8. I went to the gym for 3 consecutive days which is my biggest streak in over 6 months. Sad but hey.. I'm getting somewhere! 
7. I get to see a ton of my friends and celebrate the lovely Natanias birthday on Saturday. YAY

5. A really big, hot man messaged me today which is always the best. 
4. I get to see my niece and nephews in ONE MONTH from tomorrow!!
3. And one week later I get to see TAM! 
2. There is broccoli salad in my fridge.
1. I just won 50 bones at bingo! FUCK YAAAA. 

Life is truly good. 
What's good in your life? 

Big Love,

Wednesday, November 20

Life As A Stay At Home

Today makes a week since I quit my job which prompted this post - check it out if you're behind. My cousin Rachel once proclaimed that she wanted to be a "Stay At Home" which is like a SAHM except you have no children - you just stay at home. It's been the running joke since then that I'm now a certified stay at home and so far, it's not too awful as you can imagine.

Before you think I'm being completely lazy I would like to say that I have not actually stopped working. I am definitely lazy and enjoying my downtime but I have picked up a few hours hours at two previous places of employment and continue to house and petsit to give myself a bit of income. Not breaking into the ole' savings is super important right now so I'm open to whatever. There are very few jobs where I live so I'm extra grateful for the opportunities I've been given at both Harbour Gifts and Primitive Wishes! I also folded laundry for $20 at a party this weekend... I'm not kidding.

Yep. That happened. Aside from laundry and picking up odd shifts, I've spent a lot of time doing things I couldn't do when I was working all the time. My friend Courtney said today, "Just do all the things you always wanted to do that you couldn't" and that's what I've been trying to do. Having lunch with her was one of them - I was almost never able to go out for a meal with a friend and I was almost always the waitress that waited on them. I look forward to more lunch dates with her and my other friends.

I started going to the gym again and where I'm not eating restaurant food every day I've had a chance to start working on my eating without the temptations of delicious deep fried food. I'm taking baby steps but I'm already getting somewhere and feeling better. The gym is rough after being there very few times since I went back to Gallaways full time in June but I'll get there.. one day at a time.

I was able to spend a couple of days away this week to do Christmas shopping which was so awesome! When I got to the city I met up with Jacq, an ex coworker turned biff, and we hit up the big Christmas market in Saint John. It was so fun and we had some very yummy treats aha. After that we headed to Thandis, one of her favorite restaurants that I had been asking her to take me to forever. It was super yummy and I have not spent much time with Jacq that I didn't thoroughly enjoy. Absolutely love her.

Pad Thai - YUM

I went to Rachels apartment after that and met up with Cassie. Every year Cassie, Rach and I try to do a special Christmas shopping trip and this year was the perfect getaway and awesome start to the Christmas season! Christmas music playing everywhere, Santa at the mall and shopping for gifts and decorations. So lovely. We also went to dinner, saw a movie and just hung out.. it really was awesome. I love spending time with them!

Rach (awkwardly) getting into the spirit. 

So life is pretty good right now. I would love a bit more work and my days seem sort of long at times but it really could be much worse. I still think I made a great decision and now it's all about making a bigger decision. I know that in January I need to get off the island but the big question is do I move to the city and look for a job or do I take my savings and get my travel on? I have no idea but I hope to have it figured out soon. Who knows?! 

What do you guys think would be a good next step? :) 

Big Love,
Bailey J

Thursday, November 14

today i quit my job.

A little update for the important people in my life. 
Today I quit my job. 
I am unemployed and officially earning no income.
But I'm also free from a job that caused me some serious stress.
I love waitressing.
I didn't love the rest of it. 
I don't know what's next. 
I don't know how I am going to make any money. 
I don't know much of anything.
But I feel FREE and for the first time in a while..
And for now - I'm okay with that. 
Sometimes you have to take risks to get to where you're suppose to be.
I'm ready for you, life. 

And on a side note : Im hard working and awesome. 
So if you need an employee...I'm your girl. 

"Respect yourself enough to walk away from anything that no longer serves you, grows you, or makes you happy.” 
― Robert Tew

Big Love,

PS. Thank you to my friends and family and the constant support I receive from you all the time. I am stronger and awesome and better because of the people I am surrounded by. I LOVE YOU ALL SO SO SO MUCH!!!

Monday, November 11

Remembrance Day

I wanted to share my brothers Remembrance Day address today because I loved his message. He makes my family and I very, very proud and I am so thankful for him and for the countless men like him. We are a blessed nation.
 Lest we forget. 

Thursday, November 7

my second fish.

I've been open on my blog and in my real life about using the dating site, Plenty Of Fish, to meet guys for the past couple of months. I am ultimately looking for a serious relationship and found out pretty damn skippy that 99, if not 100% of the men on POF are looking for hook ups and have no desire for a relationship (some partly because they are already in one or more).

I have written about my first, and until yesterday, only POF meet up. I liked him, he lead me on, we stopped talking. We actually recently started talking again but it's a stupid move on my part so.. I'll end this story there. Today I'm talking about my second meet up!

I started talking to Fish #2 a little over a month ago. He was cute and didn't say anything sexual when he inboxed me so I decided to reply. I'm a horrible fisherman - I NEVER send anyone a message and I almost never reply to the ones I receive. Talk about picky. Anyway, the conversation with us was always chill and it never got dirty and sexual like most men tend to do to converations we have. He was a gentleman and has continued to be one to this day.

It didn't take long for him to show an interest in meeting me but like I am with most guys, I was a little nervous about it. He was awesome from the beginning though - kind, interested in me and attracted to me which is great. I have a hard time finding guys who are decent an genuinely attracted to me so this was a major plus.

He is truly a gentleman so he offered to meet me halfway in Saint John, as he lives in Fredericton. This to me was a big selling point - no other guys had openly considered making much of a effort at all to see me so I knew I had to meet him. On Monday Maddy and I hit the road and I nervously began my journey to meet him.

I saw him first, kind of like when I met Mark, and played it cool from afar. I was buying a new phone (which is a different story for a different day - I now have an iphone!) and I watched him walk around the food court looking for me like the stalker that I am. I texted him ad told him to sit down and I'd be right there. Luckily for me the phone buying process is sort of lengthy so I had time to check him out and get used to the fact that I was going to approach him shortly.

When I did approach him it was nice - he had a smile on his face and didn't appear to be running in the opposite direction so I figured 'so far so good'. We hugged, which was nice and pretty much just relaxed, hung out and chatted for two hours. It was the most normal thing ever for being something that is't so normal.

He was nice, easy to talk to and more handsome than I even expected. Did I fall in love instantly? No and there wasn't a huge spark yet, but that doesn't mean anything. I really like him as a person and I'm giving it time - you ever know what could happen. We are still chatting and it's definitely possible that I'll see him again but for now I'm still seeing other people and open to whatever. Who knows? :)

So POF isn't too awful bad for me so far. If I met up with more guys who asked to meet up I'd probably feel differently but I've been okay with my decisions to meet the two who I have met. I'm not sure if I'll ever find a relationship on there..or maybe ever find a relationship in general but I think it's okay to keep it as an option. Yes, most of the men are disgusting, but they're human and it doesn't mean it's IMPOSSIBLE to find a decent guy through POF..just unlikely aha.

I'd love to hear some of your online dating stories - the ones people have shared with me are so awesome and some are even romantic. Share away! :)

Big Love,
Bailey J

Thursday, October 31

A Semi-Unicorn Responds To The Unicorn Theory

Have you read the article floating around about why good girls are like unicorns? It's an article (clearly written by a man) mainly covering these points :
  • the lack of 'good' girls out there  and how they are as mythical as unicorns
  • when men finally decide that it's time for them to settle down it's hard to find a girl who isn't a total slut or doesn't lie about being a total slut (like they have been doing for the past 15 years but would be outrageous for us to do)
If you haven't read it, I suggest you do before reading the rest of my blog post. Click here to go read it. 

Okay. So how do you feel? I'm counting on most of you being women. I know many of you probably feel like he's a sexist, double standard toting asshole. Do any of you feel like he might be onto something ? I don't 100% disagree or agree with all of his points. I'm the kinda girl who is torn on this sort of thing. I've wrote a few blogs about how I'm not into casual sex - I like to do the sex thing with serious boyfriends only and so on and so forth. BUT, I also think it's a personal choice and believe a woman, or a man, can play by their own rules and change their rules and do whatever they want because it's their life. I also think you have to deal with any consequences that come with the choices you make in life.

By this writers standards I'm probably part unicorn. I'm a pretty good girl, decent head on my shoulders and I like to think I can hold up a conversation. Am I virgin? No, I've had sex with one serious boyfriend who still asks me to marry him on the regular so I guess I did okay for myself but lost a point with those of you who will be 35 and looking for purebloods. So I guess it would depend on who you ask but I'm gonna say I'm part unicorn, maybe even full unicorn depending on how much of an asshole the man is.

This brings me to my big question which I'm going to ask considering myself a "unicorn" : to all you men out there hunting unicorns...why in the fuck should us unicorns stay "pure" and "good" for future husbands when they are done fucking sluts and ready to settle down? Because the douchebag who wrote this article is giving me ZERO incentive.

Do you know how hard it is to find a nice GUY? A guy who does't cheat? A guy who hasn't slept with 15+ girls? It's just as hard as finding a nice girl, or a fucking unicorn, if not harder! Then comes the task of finding one who hasn't been snatched up (and isn't easy to steal because admit it, boys, most of you aren't that hard to persuade). This is where the double standard comes in because guys will forever use the argument that men and women are different and it's totally different for a guy to fuck 15 girls than it is for a girl to fuck 15 guys. Oh.....okay. LOL.

So say its fine for you to fuck whoever you want - are you even a decent human being? For the most part guys treat good girls (and girls in general) like shit..and then the unicorns go bad. They turn into Whorses (see what I did there?) So when ya'll are ready to settle down, and you've fucked all da hoes, and treated girls like shit - there won't be any good girls left, because you fucked them over and they went to the fucking dark side.

 Do you know the last time I was taken on a date? Never. Do you know the last time I was given flowers? Never. Do you know the last time I was given a valentines day gift or even a birthday gift from a guy? A sweet note on my facebook wall just telling me how shiny my unicorn horn looks? I think you can answer that for yourself. I'm a nice girl and pretty damn good girlfriend too - what the fucks a broad gotta do to get a little romance around here?

In conclusion : it's really fucking hard to sit around waiting for a nice guy to come along. I personally have almost lost my faith. Guys I have met do not want girlfriends or romance or monogamy so why they think that we should wait for them to turn 40 and finally want to be a decent human being is way the fuck beyond me. The door swings both ways : I'm not giving it up to you when you decide its settle down time if you're not a stupid fucking unicorn either. Fucker.

You may be wondering if when I have totally lost my faith in ever having a nice, respectable relationship with a nice, respectable man am I going to head over to the dark side? I don't know, it's not really in me to be honest but eventually a girl has got to have a bit of companionship, man. Know this :  I will forever have some high ass standards in order to weed through the shit heads that populate this earth in order to somehow find a decent guy for a husband some day. i WILL find you.

A girl can dream right?

A Bitter Bailey

PS. Go fuck yourself, Preston Waters.

PPS. There's a lot of sarcasm in here that I hope you can detect. I know for a lot of women it's hard because we're all so slutty and stupid. 

crushes & rejection

I was watching a video on youtube the other day relating to crushes, and what it's like to have a crush who doesn't like you and about dealing with it. This instantly took me back and I began thinking about the multiple crushes I had through middle and high school and I ended up just laughing at myself to myself because I was such a wreck when it came to boys.

Here's the thing about me : I literally attracted zero male attention until long after high school. Mark was my very first boyfriend and I only ever even kissed one boy before I graduated. This was not necessarily the way I wanted it to be it was just the way it was. Believe me - I had crushes, heaps of em. Remember the days of lmultiple crushes and declaring it on your MSN messenger? That was totally me. 

I was always madly in love with someone deep down. I actually recently waited on a guy who I was totally obsessed with for years and I had to laugh to myself over it. Had 16 year old me been in this position she would've just passed the fuck out. I can't even explain how like weirdly "in love" with him I was but it went on for ages. When I started drinking and going to parties it just got worse because I got way too brave and got harshly turned down every time. Even after I graduated if I ran into him my heart would stop. Did I actually love this guy? Of course not, I barely knew him, but I had the worlds HUGEST crush on him and when I was 16 I thought the world was ending if he wouldn't give me the time of day. 

high school theme song anyone?

And the time of day he seriously would not give me. The truth, that I should have faced then, was that he was never going to think I was good enough for him and that was totally okay. When you're young you feel like these crushes are this ginormous deal but in the long run you're not even at all who you will be in even a year, you shouldnt even date in high school and you're just totally not suppose to be with this person. There is also a large possibility that they are not that cool anyway. I had and still have nothing in common with any of the crushes I had in high school and them ignoring me was probably better for everyone in the long run. 

Recently I had my first crush in a long time. I met him online and instantly clicked with him and I actually deep inside my silly head thought I might find a boyfriend in this guy. He, dishonestly, said he felt the same and I fell right into the trap. We met in real life, I liked him and then soon after we met, he stopped talking to me completely. Rejected. 

I was crushed and I started feeling like I really liked this guy and he didnt want me and it was the saddest thing in the world. Then I had an epiphany. It didn't take me long to realize that this guy was just a douchebag and what I was feeling was not heart break but rejection - and though it fucking hurt, it was a sweet realization.

In realizing this I was able to move the fuck on. I met him, I liked him, he shut me down. Life goes on, and it went on, and now it's on and it's whatever. Am I totally over it? Nah, the rejection still stings and he's pretty cute so it sucks. But he wasn't that compatible with me, he's kind of an ass I have met a lot of really nice guys lately that make me feel like I need to not care. For example the smoking hot guy in San Diego I met - if guys as hot, nice and interesting as he was can show interest in me, do I have any LEGIT reasons to give a shit about a guy who was a dbag? No....I dont....not really! 

So now I'm prepared for my next failed crush. If it doesn't work out - que sera. As my cousin/personal comedian Rachel says "What is meant to be, be's" and sometimes you just have to trust in that. Trust that things are happening the way that they are suppose to and find yourself a new crush. :)

Big Love,

Sunday, October 27

california love.

Back in April my good friend Ashley who is obsessed a big fan of wrestling started talking about an upcoming TNA(Total Nonstop Action - Always feel like I need to elaborate) Wrestling event going on in San Diego in the the fall. I love San Diego, and at the time was still in love with someone in the state of California, so it didnt take us long to realize we should probably take the plunge together. She was nervous to leave her son, I was nervous to see my ex but we started making moves anyway!

Six months later and it's come and gone. We started our trip on Wednesday night, Oct.16th - I worked until 5 and picked her up for the last ferry around 7pm. I knew she'd want to spend as much time with the Munchkin so we took the last ferry even though it would put us at our destination at 1am.. we're bad bitches - we do what we want!

The first issue we ran into was on the ferry when I asked for some peanut butter cups and never got them - I was unimpressed. In the grand scheme, I know it's not an issue, but Im still craving them. The drive was okay but crazy rainy at times. Besides the rain, things went well until we got into Nova Scotia and realized that not only was I low on gas but I was on empty. How did I not notice earlier?!

 We were pretty much in the middle of no where and had no clue how long it would be before we found a gas station. Luckily my friend who was taking us to the airport is amazing and was willing to bring us gas if we ran out so we had a back up plan. We drove into some town in the middle of buttfuck nowhere and of course, everything was closed and we were running lower and lower on gas. Finally we found a town and somehow we made it..I was praying mega hard. I now know I can drive for quite some time on empty - you rock, White Lightning II. Little did I know, this was just the beginning of our bad luck.

We sped off towards Truro, where we were staying for the night and as we got closer, the rain poured harder.  I was happy to see the exit for Truro and excited to escape the rain but just before we exited onto the ramp my car started hydroplaning. We were all over the road and for the first time ever I thought I might actually lose control of my car. It was so scary and when I did get control again, Ashley and I had both nearly lost control and shit our pants. We drove about 15km/hour until we got to our destination.

It was almost 1:30 in the morning by the time we landed, and considering we had about 90 minutes before we headed for the airport we decided to just chill and rest until we took off. The drive to the airport was pretty uneventful but by the time we arrived at Stanfield at 4am we were turning into zombies. Ash and I were on separate flights and had to board in different parts of the airport so we separated around 4:30 and by 5:30 she was in the air and on her way. Wish I could say the same for myself.

Everything went fine through security (thank god there were no repeats of Sac Intl' March 2012) but once I was ready to board my flight, it got delayed. They said it was just some mechanical errors and it should be fixed soon. Two hours later, they said they were waiting for mechanics to fly in and fix it. Two more hours later, they figured we'd be flying out by 3. By 3, 9 hours after we were meant to fly out, people were saying we were cancelled. They never made an actual announcement, they simply started rerouting everyone and putting them up in hotels. It was AWFUL service and an awful way to waste a day. Not only was I stuck in Halifax but Ash was alone in San Diego and I felt so guilty that we would be separated for so long.

The only plus to the day was being given a free night at the ALT Hotel in Halifax. It connects to the airport so it was zero hassle to get there and it was an AMAZING room. I showered, ate and after being awake for around 40 hours I promptly passed out until I had to wake up at 4:30 the next morning to catch my flight...again. There were no significant bumps in the road that day and I landed in San Diego and arrived at our hotel safely.

The few days I had in San Diego with Ash were awesome! We drank, met lots of awesome people (and wrestlers of course), ate good food and just generally enjoyed our time. People give me a weird look when I say we didn't go on a bunch of crazy adventures but it's exactly the kind of trip we both wanted. For her, it was non stop wrestling events and action and for me it was relaxing, not working, being with a friend I love and socializing with some really cool people. oh and drinks of course. I'm very easy to please and enjoyed being able to relax and not worry about work or anything at all.

I left early Sunday morning and headed to Marks. I had to go on a goose chase to find him because I told him to pick me up in the wrong place of course, but he was waiting patiently where I told him to when I figured out how the heck to get there. It was kind of surreal seeing him at first but it didnt take us long to fall back into being comfortable with each other. One thing that I love about our relationship is that I am more comfortable with him than anyone in the world. He was encountered me at my absolutely worst and still loves me so.. that's impressive lol

The few days with Mark were good. He didn't drink which made me very happy. He tried so hard to keep my happy and always wanted to do things I wanted to do and we had a lot of fun. We ate Thai, saw a movie, lounged and watched criminal minds and ate mexican food - all things I love to do aha. And if you can believe it.. I didn't fall back in love. Mark has a place in my heart, and is one of my best friends but after this trip I know I made the right decision in March and I feel empowered and free now which are really awesome things to feel.
Ridiculously yummy Curry in Sactown

So now I'm home. The travels home were pretty boring (although I did get delayed again FUCK YOU UNITED) so I won't bore you with the details. Mostly I just wanted to touch on the fact that the trip was awesome, I hate United Airlines and I am single like I said I would be when I got back. Girl power.

I'm sorry I have been so absent from around here but I have some topics floating in my brain and I promise to try my best to throw some blogz atchaa. Hope everyone is doing well.

Big Love to you all,

Sunday, October 13

today im thankful for...

loving parents who have raised me well and give me the space to be myself and make my mistakes. 

friends who choose to see and bring out the best in me, who make me laugh, who i love so much.

a roof over my head and a very cozy bed. 


coworkers who keep me sane when insanity would be so easily obtained.

an online community of amazing friends and support. 


lovely weather. 

family to feed me turkey when i can't be with my immediate family. 

happy canadian thanksgiving. xx 

big love,

Monday, October 7

life, love and tequila shots.

Hi Friends!! How are you all doing? If you are reading this right now you are awesome and I love you - I know it is hard to consistently check in with blogs who do not post consistently! I am blessed with people who generally give a fuck what is up with me and what I have to say and for that I am thankful - like SUPER thankful (tis the season!)

I have no good excuses for where I have been or what I have been doing that is so important that it keeps me from blogging once in a while. I generally work, eat, sleep and have a couple drinks on the weekends and thats my life right now. I did go to the mainland last weekend to celebrate Taylors birthday and we had a blast! It was my first time out in Halifax and I will hopefully have the chance to again sometime soon!

The Bday Girl and I doing some Tequila Shots!

Since then I have been working, working, working. To be honest I'm feeling a little bored and unsatisfied with life as work is slow and no one is around anymore. I think it's time for a change which is in the works. For now I plan to be at home until Christmas but what comes next I can't be sure of - hopefully something new and exciting!

Also on the new and exciting list - I'm 95% committed to buying an Iphone. For those of you who don't know me in real life you probably don't know that I'm a Grandma when it comes to phones. Until a year ago I used a flip phone and then I bought the only non android/iphone available in the world at the store (in the year 2012) and hooked myself up with a Samsung Gravity. Grandma.

I hated touch screen forever so that was my main reason for sticking to old school but now that I've had an ipod touch for a while Im better at the whole touch screen thing (still not thrilled about it though - love me some T9). The second reason is that I'm an eagle who needs to spread her wings and I never know how long I will be local and committing to contracts of any sort freaks me out. Oh and don't forget the whole 700$ price tag thing. You're talking about a girl who pays 1000$ for cars.

I am not sure if I will be staying in Canada or if I should be spending the kind of money I plan to on a phone but I think I'm gonna go for it. I'm not going to get the newest model and people with a lot less money than I have spend their money on stupid shit so .. fuck it. Should I do it?! I think so!

What else is new in my life? Well I head to California in 10 days! Ash and I will be in San Diego next Thursday afternoon - should be a fun little adventure. Her and I will be there until Sunday then she flies home and I head up to Sacramento. Yes, I am going to see Mark! Sounds crazy, I know so I'll elaborate.

Truthfully, I thought Mark and I were going to get back together. When I first agreed to go to California with Ashley it was just for her event. At the time Mark and I were still talking all the time and I missed him so I planned to go up and see him for a couple of weeks. For a while, I think we both thought we were getting back together. We planned to see how things went and discuss getting back together because we were both still in love.

Over the past few months I have realized how awfully stupid love makes me and how much a Mark and Bailey reunion does not need to happen. Mark and I could have something very special and awesome but if we got back together it wouldn't work for the same reasons it didn't work before. Mark didn't treat me right and he drank too much and neither of those things was about to change if I moved back there. As much as I want to believe that I am worth being treated well, I will never be worth it to him and that's that. So the subject will not be brought up - Mark and I will not be getting back together.

That being said, he was my friend before our relationship and he always will be. I miss him and I'm going to see him and yes, it's probably stupid but I'm young and I'm okay with making stupid mistakes. I am in a good place now where I know that me being single is a much more healthy choice than being in a relationship that no longer serves me. I am talking to guys and open to new relationships - I'm trying and that's all I can do.

My fear right now is that my friends are wrong and that I don't deserve to be treated any better than I was treated by Mark. Maybe I didn't deserve to be told I was pretty and maybe other guys would think I wasn't deserving of fidelity and dates and all the things my relationship with Mark lacked. I'm still single, I've still never been on my first date and no one has shown interest in dating me since Mark. Maybe that's what there is for me and I should just go with it. That is my fear, and though I am keeping the faith that something really great is in store for me, I can't help but wonder if I'm making a mistake.

Either way, I am going to see Mark for 3 days and then I will be on my way and head home. For me - this is closure. When I left California in March I was very much in love, wounded, confused and totally lost - I had no idea what was right or wrong. Now I have a better grasp on why I had to leave and why being home, although awful at times, is a better environment for me even if it's a bit lonely. This is our goodbye.

Onto things that aren't completely depressing! I decided recently I was going to cool it on the red meat and today was my first day of attempting to avoid it. So far so good! I just think it does funky things in the tummy and I am slowly trying to change my habits and I decided to start there. I'm not saying "never" I'm just done for now. Kelly mentioned in her blog yesterday about not liking labels like "Paleo" or "Gluten Free" and I agree with her - I reserve the right to not eat red meat and decide in 3 days I'm going to eat it again lol. It shouldn't be an issue. Kelly always knows just what to say!

Other than that I can't think of anything new or exciting about my life that I can mention. I wish I could - I truly wish my life was super exciting and I could tell you guys all about it but it's not aha. I'm about to grab some late dinner with a couple of friends and although it's not the most exciting thing in the world it makes me happy so that's all that matters.

What is new with you guys? I love you all so very much xx

Big Love,

Wednesday, September 25

It's All In Your Head [Weigh In Wednesday]

Weigh IN Wednesday
Do you ever have days where you wake up and think "Damn, I look skinny". As someone who is no where even close to skinny, I know it sounds weird for me to have those days but today I had one. I woke up and looked in the mirror and felt so good about the way my body looked. I wanted to capture that feeling for the rest of eternity!

I hopped in the scale and Im still way up there but I didn't let the number get me down because in my head and the way I physically felt.. I felt like I had lost weight. In my head - it was a loss, and Im not letting the number take that away. I'm probably the exact same amount of inches around that I have been all along but who cares.. it's all in my head!

I've been having some bad days but I chose to make this a good day. I'm going to feel good about myself and I'm going to tell myself positives things only - no dwelling on anything negative in my life whether its my body or emotions or boys or money. Fuck that. This is a GOOD day to be alive.

I hope you all woke up feeling fabulous about your bodies! Write about it and link up for Weigh In Wednesday with Ash, Heather and I!

Big Love,

Wednesday, September 18

Dear Future Husband

Dear Future Husband ;

I know you're probably thinking how much of a dork I am for writing this at 22 but if I chose you well, which I'm hoping and thinking I did, then you think it's "so me" and can't help but be charmed by it. If you think it's stupid or you're using the word "gay" to describe it we need a divorce asap. If I stayed true to myself, and married someone who paralleled my values there is no worry there - I'm sure you're a gem.

The first thing that I have to say to you, thinking I know myself pretty decently at this point, is sorry. I have been out of a relationship at this point in my life for about 6 months but I don't forget the way I acted. I am a basket case and I know that I can be overbearing, jealous, insecure and at certain times of the month, downright psychotic, but I hope that you found reasons to love me through it because I like to think I'm worth it. I am these things because I am human and, as weird as it may seem, because I care and because I HAVE been burned before.

I hope you haven't burned me but if you have, and I married you, then you must be quite something. When you read this, remind me that I am a forgiving person and if you have hurt me, and I still chose to marry you, that I have to let it go. Life is too short to hold on to those feelings and they will hurt me more than they hurt you.

My biggest question to you is this : ARE YOU FUCKING INSANE? married me?! I assume you're pretty awesome but I don't get it but thanks just the same - I needed a break. At this point in my life, like I said 22, I have no idea how I am going to get a guy to notice me let alone convince him to talk to me, take me on a date or consider making me his girlfriend. Then I have all these bitches around me getting married and I'm like GIVE ME YOUR MAGICAL POWERS, because I do not get how I am suppose to make this happen.

I don't know if I know you yet and I don't know how we will meet or how anything will go down but that's exciting to me. Maybe I'll meet you tomorrow, maybe we met 10 years ago, maybe it's really really far down the road.. I don't know.. but I can't help but be a little excited. Something you should know about me by now is I believe in love so much.. so  so so much and I want it for myself and everyone I know. If when we meet, or when we marry, I have lost any of that sparkle and that belief in love I hope that you give it back to me.

One more thing I want to mention : I'm really sorry if my cooking still sucks. Bare with me.. I promise I'll get the whole wife thing down, it'll take some practice. I'm sorry for the slumps when I only wear lulu lemons and sports bras and the nights when I cry for no reason and when Im not feelin the whole sex thang. I promise to try to be the best most awesome wife ever when Im done those funks and I hope you are trying your best too. I hope we love and respect each other enough to always be working at it cause marriage is a BIG ass deal.

The biggest thing I need to tell you is to not give up on me. I'm not perfect but I hope you see exactly who I am and choose to love that person even though I'm a bit strange. Even though I have a hard time believing it, I think I'm worth it, or at least Im working at eventually being worth it. Like I said earlier..bare with me.

Big love to you future husband,
Your wifey poo.

PS. If you're having trouble with me in between the sheets wink wink.. always remember to warm me up! I really like making out, even at 60 years old, which is probably the age we got married at. You're welcome. :) 

Werkin On My Fitness [Weigh In Wednesday Link Up]

Weigh IN Wednesday
I am about to TMI the shit out of you guys but I just have to get this out there - I am SO fucking happy to finally have my period. I know that's peculiar, most of us heavily complain about our periods including myself.. but I have never been more full of joy than I was today for the troublemaker to arrive.

The past few days have been exhausting because of my hormones. I'm all over the place, I'm a psycho, I'm giving myself whiplash. I went from being a Diva who didn't need no man to being the girl who sees a catfood commercial and cries. WHAT THE FUCK? This madness needs to end.

Although getting my period over with will help.. I have realized there is something I REALLY need to do - get back into exercise. Exercise makes me so much happier and it makes my hormones and psychopathic emotions so much easier to handle. I know it's the answer but I have a hard time following through.

So I am making a commitment to start putting in a more honest effort when it comes to hitting the gym or even walking a little walksi. This is not just to look better but to feel better because the emotional benefits to exercise, at least for me, are impressively awesome. I do suck sometimes though so if you guys ever want to tweet me, or message me or telepathically remind me to get out there and hit the gym - I would love that. I won't take it offensively, I will take it as you love me and care about me and my well being. So thanks in advance!

What are you guys working on this week?

I was up today because of previously mentioned time of month! No biggie :)

Big Love and Don't Forget to link the heck up!

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