Yeah. I'm that girl. I totally thought it was Tuesday. I'm stressing about getting things done before I leave for Sacramento, totally thought it was Tuesday, until someone let me in on the fact that it's Wednesday. I can't even believe it. My friend Tamara messaged me and asked why I hadn't posted my Weigh In Wednesday post and I thought I better get to it.
I feel like such a disappointment. I feel like I just lie to people when I tell them I'm trying and I'm working out but I'm not - I really am trying and I really am working out. To be fair to myself I weighed in at 3 in the afternoon after I had a Mocha Latte and a bowl of stew on a cafe date with a friend but still... it sucks, and I gained.
I just can't get my eating under control. I'm really hoping once I get to Cali and get back to 24 hour fitness and get into cooking my own meals and stuff I can get a good flow going. I'm hoping to try Hot Yoga there and really focus on my weight loss. The stress of being prepared for my trip and leaving my family has me stress eating for sure and I know I can shake this. I have a surprising mountain of anxiety before I travel considering how much I do so. Ask my mother - I turn into a psycho.I just need to get there, find a routine, and put my head down and focus on this weight loss thing
This week I weighed in at 230, up another 1.6lbs which is disappointed when I was seeing a loss of 3lbs before the weekend. I was eating well and over and since the weekend I was prob eating 2000-2200 calories a day which is still lower than what I would need to maintain my weight. I feel like I have to literally starve myself to lose weight. I'm going to have to.
That's the way she goes though - you have to put in hard work to see results, like starve yourself work apparently, and even when you work your ass off, you don't always see results. I can't believe I'm back at my NY starting weight 8 weeks fucking later. In fact, I'm UP a little less than a pound from then. It's so frustrating. WHY DO I SUCK? I could seriously just lay down on the floor right now and ball my eyes out. I feel like such a failure. I'm going to show up to Marks just as fat and gross as when I left when I promised myself and him that I'd be a better version when I got back. It's very disappointing. I feel nauseous thinking about it. Why can't I just do this? I wish I could convey the amount of disappointed, failure, stress, sadness and anger I feel right now. At myself and just in general.
Will I EVER be able to lose this weight? Is it ever going to happen to me? Am I wasting my time even wishing and trying? Sometimes I wish I could just melt into a puddle and not even have to face the people who are rooting for me because I just keep letting myself and everyone down. It fucking blows.