Wednesday, February 27

Feeling like a failure.

Yeah. I'm that girl. I totally thought it was Tuesday. I'm stressing about getting things done before I leave for Sacramento, totally thought it was Tuesday, until someone let me in on the fact that it's Wednesday. I can't even believe it. My friend Tamara messaged me and asked why I hadn't posted my Weigh In Wednesday post and I thought I better get to it.

I feel like such a disappointment. I feel like I just lie to people when I tell them I'm trying and I'm working out but I'm not - I really am trying and I really am working out. To be fair to myself I weighed in at 3 in the afternoon after I had a Mocha Latte and a bowl of stew on a cafe date with a friend but still... it sucks, and I gained.

I just can't get my eating under control. I'm really hoping once I get to Cali and get back to 24 hour fitness and get into cooking my own meals and stuff I can get a good flow going. I'm hoping to try Hot Yoga there and really focus on my weight loss. The stress of being prepared for my trip and leaving my family has me stress eating for sure and I know I can shake this. I have a surprising mountain of anxiety before I travel considering how much I do so. Ask my mother - I turn into a psycho.I just need to get there, find a routine, and put my head down and focus on this weight loss thing

This week I weighed in at 230, up another 1.6lbs which is disappointed when I was seeing  a loss of 3lbs before the weekend. I was eating well and over and since the weekend I was prob eating 2000-2200 calories a day which is still lower than what I would need to maintain my weight. I feel like I have to literally starve myself to lose weight. I'm going to have to.

That's the way she goes though - you have to put in hard work to see results, like starve yourself work apparently, and even when you work your ass off, you don't always see results. I can't believe I'm back at my NY starting weight 8 weeks fucking later. In fact, I'm UP a little less than a pound from then. It's so frustrating. WHY DO I SUCK? I could seriously just lay down on the floor right now and ball my eyes out. I feel like such a failure. I'm going to show up to Marks just as fat and gross as when I left when I promised myself and him that I'd be a better version when I got back. It's very disappointing. I feel nauseous thinking about it. Why can't I just do this? I wish I could convey the amount of disappointed, failure, stress, sadness and anger I feel right now. At myself and just in general.

Will I EVER be able to lose this weight? Is it ever going to happen to me? Am I wasting my time even wishing and trying? Sometimes I wish I could just melt into a puddle and not even have to face the people who are rooting for me because I just keep letting myself and everyone down. It fucking blows.



  1. Why are you so determined to loose the weight? You are being too hard on yourself. You are a bigger am I, embrace it, deal with it. Not everyone can be a size 0, some people are built differently, have better metabolisms, etc. Some of us will never be a small person and we have to accept that or you can never truly be fully confident in yourself, and you should be.

  2. I just wanted to let you know that you are not a failure at all! Just keep trying your best and take small, manageable steps and the weight loss will follow. The most important thing to remember is that you are beautiful and that it is possible, just keep trying your best :)

  3. You are not a failure, because I know you are not giving up. Also, I know that you are doing this for a lot of great reasons... including being a healthier, happier, better version of your current self. I know that you can do this, you just have to find the way that your body likes to lose. Not everyone's body will do well with certain things, and to be real, 20% is exercise, 80% is your diet. It's the really hard truth that the experts don't like to admit to. The body tends to adapt to exercise quickly, and finds any method that it can to minimize exertion during exercise.

    I read a really interesting article summarizng all of the weight loss myths that we all assume to be true and take at face value. The one I was most surprised by is the notion that we should lose weight slowly. As it turns out, scientific studies have shown that people in the overweight to obese weight ranges see the most success, and the most long-term weight loss when they undergo a total and radical diet change, triggering rapid weight loss. They are hard-pressed to explain why this is, except that when a weight loss is too gradual, people get frustrated. It turns out, we would rather be miserable and seeing results than comfortably failing.

    I know that this is the world's longest comment, but please bear with me, girl. I think that removing yourself from the situations that cause you to get off track is good, to a point. You can change yourself, or you can change your environment, and while both are needed in the long run, it's always easier to change your environment first. This trip to California sounds like exactly what you need in order to re-commit and re-focus. And when you get back, there are so many ways you can change your home environment. Something that may help in the short-term is to have your meals provided by a meal service. I know it's more expensive, but you can usually get Groupon deals, and it's an easy way to get back on track. If all of your meals and snacks are pre-prepared and labeled, you don't have nearly the opportunity to get off track, and it can even just be for a couple of weeks or a month, however long it takes to get used to eating those portions and to start seeing results.

    Anyway. All this to say that I know you can do it, and I believe in you. It isn't going to be easy, but then again, neither is international love, and you're making that work. You can do this too.

  4. It will happen!!! You're not a one is judging you but you! XO

  5. I want to skype you, or meet you, so I can take your face and shake you. You are not a failure. Trust me, I know what it feels like to work hard at losing weight, and end up gaining. I spent years yo-yo'ing, and I have felt what you are currently feeling.

    I'm going to say something, and I hope I don't upset you, because that is NOT my intention. I am saying this with your feelings in mind, so bear with me for a second.

    How honest are you being with yourself with what you're eating? Even if you hit the gym every day for a month, if you're eating too many calories, and too many fast food or "unhealthy" calories, then it won't matter how much you sweat. I'm in a place right now where I'm trying to lose weight, and I do great with my workouts, but my food consumption isn't the best. And I know that's why I'm not losing. A few of your posts on instagram are pictures of cheese cake, or you say in your blogs that when you hang out with the girls, you eat the junk food they're eating. If you want to lose weight, you need to avoid these foods until you are in a place where one slice won't throw you off track. Fuck the special occasions, there are always excuses to eat poorly. Who cares if it's your cousins birthday, or your friend's graduation party, you need to draw the line and begin to say no, even when you really want to say yes. At least for the first month or two, until you feel comfortable in eating one slice of cake, and leaving it at that, not eating one piece and then binging the rest of the weekend because of it.

    I have a lot of respect for you, and feel like I've come to know you through your blogging. I'm coming to Grand Manan in April, do you want to meet for coffee? I want to help you succeed, because I KNOW YOU CAN.

  6. Hi! I know we've never met, but I struggle with weight loss too and feel like I can relate to you. Please know that you are NOT a failure. I totally understand feeling that way. Those silly scales sure are downers, aren't they? Routines are definitely the best, but don't punish yourself for straying from the routine...that's life, you know? I've tried all of the weight loss programs and honest to goodness Weight Watchers is the only thing that works for me. It's easy to follow and you can still eat out. No need to starve yourself. Plus, that's actually worse for you because your body reacts by storing fat instead of burning it. Sorry for the lecture, I know you don't need it and were probably just venting in your post, but please know you have a community of cheerleaders rooting for you, weight loss or not!! :)

  7. Don't get down on yourself! There are always plateaus and you will get back to weight loss - it sounds like you have a great plan!

  8. YOU are not failure!!!!!!!! You will over come this!! I know you can!!

  9. SOOO not a failure! It's hard and it's frustrating and it's overwhelming... but we can do hard, we can conquer frustrating and overwhelming! Things will get better, especially after you're settled into your new routine... in the mean time, just keep making good choices and you will get there! One foot in front of the other, one day at a time!


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