Friday, March 15

They Say I'll Be Okay.

I'm sitting in San Francisco International Airport and I don't know how I got here. Well, I know how I got here, I flew here from Sacramento early this morning.I don't know how I got to this place in my life, in my relationship, as a person. Not even two weeks ago I was headed back to Sacramento to surprise Mark, to work on our relationship, to resume our life together and now I'm sitting in an airport again surrounded by strangers who probably think I'm fucking psycho as I sob into my sleeve.

Nothing lasts forever. No relationship is perfect. Time heals all wounds. We'll always be friends. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I keep repeating cheesy inspirational and motivational quotes to myself as my heart breaks inside my chest.. I keep telling myself someday I'll be okay. It's not really a promise I can make to myself though.. how should I know? This is my first break up and I don't know what to expect. How do I live without my best friend, my first love? I'm not sure but I guess I'm going to have to figure it out.

To be honest I ended things, he didn't break my heart or cheat or anything you might expect. It's not like there was a huge break up, it wasn't like someone didn't feel the magic or cheated. It just needed to happen. Mark and I love each other very much. We went from strangers, to friends, to best friends to falling in love and embarking on this crazy adventure together. Mark will always have a place in my heart. I felt some of the happiest emotions and experienced some of the best times of my life with Mark. It just wasn't working.

I could sit here and give you all the regular stuff - we're too different, we're in different places in life, we want different things, the distance is hard. Those things are true but there are lot's of complex issues and it's always more complicated and harder to explain then you think it will be, than people think it is from the outside. All I know is that either way my heart was going to break.

I'm torn. I knew this had to happen but I'm stuck between that and feeling like I'm making the worst decision of my life. I feel like no one will love me like Mark does, and I will never feel the way I feel for Mark for anyone else. I feel like we should work on this more but.. we've been working. We both need to grow before we could try this again. Our relationship was getting unhealthy and I know that there are reasons we're breaking up but right now all I feel and see are reasons I need to stay - reasons I need to just leave this airport, get on the bus and run back to my Moo Bear.

Mark knows me better than anyone else. I never thought anyone would love me.. let alone know me in the deep, personal ways he knows me and still loves me. Our bond is something special and this experience is too. Mark and I are not on bad terms. We love each other and will continue to be best friends if we can. It just didn't work..

So I will be back in Canada tonight, only 10 days after I left. I fear going home, facing people who know I'm suppose to be gone for 3 months. I fear people asking about my trip.. I fear breaking down while admitting to them and myself that it's over with Mark and I. I fear the next months or years of healing from this and trying not to miss Mark with my whole being.

But I'm going to be okay.. they say I'll be okay.. I think I'll be okay.
Thank God for great friends.. I would not be making it through this without them. I love you guys.

I always promised honesty on here.. even when it hurts.

Big Love,
Bailey

20 comments:

  1. Big love to you Bailey!!
    Safe travels, and I am sure your friends will be more than happy to have you home and help you get over this!!
    Stay positive, "It will all be okay in the end, if it's not okay, it's not the end!!"

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  2. You WILL be okay, at some point, when you have healed, on your own terms. But it will happen. I am sorry you are feeling pain right now, I've been following your blog for a few months and I am sorry this happened :(

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  3. I'm so sorry to read this post Bail, I have been where you are and the feelings that you are experiencing are some of the hardest to get past.
    Here were a few of my favorite 'cheesy motivational sob on the phone to your mom' quotes':

    -'we were suppose to find ourselves before we found each other. that's all.'
    -'one of the hardest parts of live is deciding whether to walk away, or to try harder.'
    -'sometimes people are meant to fall in love, but not meant to be together.'

    AND, as Rafiki once said to Simba: "The past can hurt. You can either run from it...or learn from it."

    <3

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  4. You WILL be okay Bailey. I promise you. Someday, check out my blog and you will see. But for now, hugs to you!!!!!!

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  5. :( I'm sorry to read this! I have no quotes, just do your best to stay strong. Your friends & family love you, so it doesn't matter when you're SUPPOSED to come home, it just matters that you're coming back. <3

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  6. "I never thought anyone would love me.. let alone know me in the deep, personal ways he knows me and still loves me."

    Are you sure you are not breaking up because you're afraid of being hurt more, later, when it would even more painful to let go?

    Why would you ever think anyone would not love you? Because that is what a negative body image will do to us...Mark, or no man, will ever be able to love you enough to make you secure in a relationship, if you don't feel worthy of that love.

    You deserve that love. You are entitled to be loved, deeply, strongly, and forever, by a man you love just as much. It's not easy, But if you love him that much, and you know it is mutual, there are no issues that can't be resolved. I know this, because my husband and I have been married 40 years and we are still deeply in love. It wasn't always easy, and sometimes it's was downright difficult. I can honestly say a lot of the problems were because of my insecurity about being worthy of love. I will always be grateful that we kept trying to make it work- but it was much easier than trying to live without each other. It just took us years to figure that out :)
    Bailey, it is not going to bother me if you don't approve this for your comments section. It wasn't written to be a public comment. I am posting it because I empathize so deeply with the pain you are experiencing. I wonder, if someone had shared with me when I was much younger, if it would have helped me to avoid putting myself through some of the turmoil I subjected myself, and my husband to. I am stopping now, because there is so much more I could say, but it is so difficult to say some things, because you feel them so strongly.

    If you need to rant, a shoulder to cry on, or just to know there is someone else who cares, I am
    Deborah
    1-281-770-6502
    djholstein@yahoo.com

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  7. I'm so sorry. It just sucks, and there ain't nothing to say to make it suck any less. Happy thoughts to you :)

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  8. aww i am sorry i hope you start to feel better soon and heal!

    hugs!

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  9. Baby girl. I wish I could hug you right now. I promise it will get better, but you do need to go through and feel everything that comes with experiencing a heart breaking loss.

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  10. You will be okay, we won't let it be any other way!!

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  11. Sending hugs...and I agree with Cassidy...Rafiki had it right...it hurts, but you learned something about yourself, about Mark, about life...and I bet Mark learned a thing or two about awesome !
    I'm pretty sure you will indeed be ok...because you are BAILEY!!!
    See you when you get home :)

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  12. Sorry to hear about your break up :(

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  13. The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong at the broken places. But those that will not break it kills. It kills the very good and the very gentle and the very brave impartially. If you are none of these you can be sure it will kill you too but there will be no special hurry. ~Ernest Hemingway ~

    You have to break, beautiful girl. It breaks my heart to hear the hurt in your words, even from so far away, but you WILL be strong in the broken places. <3

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  14. Thinking about you! Breakups are hard on everyone and we all understand the pain. You are so strong though and great things await you!

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  15. *sigh* I'm sorry, honey. I understand. In fact, I'm on the verge of the same situation. You'll get through this. Just focus on your life day by day. Best wishes.

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  16. Uggh, my heart was breaking for you reading this. I know this must be tough and it will be one hour at a time for awhile. Focus on yourself and take good care of you. Pretty soon it will be one day at a time, then a week at a time and before you know it, love will find you again. Hang in there girl!

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  17. I'm so sorry love. I know what you are going through. Had to end a three year relationship in January. It gets better as the days go by, I promise.

    Just take time to do things for you. Keep busy. It helps.

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  18. I'm really sorry it didn't work out. Breaking up for whatever reason is never easy at all and you must feel like you've emotionally gone 10 rounds with Mike Tyson. It does get easier over time and you'll learn SO much about yourself from this experience. Yeah the next few weeks/months will be shitty but surround yourself with friends and family, do things that make you happy and buy shit loads of chocolate...that shit works!

    Keep blogging about it. It helps. When i broke up from my relationship it allowed me to think about it and get it out of my system.

    Take care and I'll probably be one of those annoying people who will pester you to see how you are when you least want someone to ask. So apologies in advance (but tough shit! Haha)

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  19. Oh Bailey - there's not much worse than a breakup, my heart hurts for you. Time (and ice cream) will make it hurt less each day. Grieve, take time for you, spend time by the ocean (Salt water cures all, you know). *hugs*

    p.s. welcome home

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  20. aw sweetie, i'm so sorry Xo Megan, www.TfDiaries.com

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