Tuesday, April 30

A Reply To Anonymous

Normally if I was writing a reply to an anonymous comment formally in a post it would be something sassy to something nasty someone said. Instead, I'm writing to an anonymous commentar who asked this (I prefer this over a nasty comment btw) :

Can you please tell us how you lost so much weight? Thats amazing and honestly Im jealous! :P What kind of exercises/programs are you using? 

Well anonymous, I'm using Weight Watchers right now. I could be doing much better but I'm losing the weight because of WW and because the foods I choose to fill myself with most of the time are pretty healthy. I tend to fill up on fruits and veggies and lean protein and though I could be doing MUCH better on the junk food and carb front, I'm not a big bread person and when I do eat carbalicious foods I choose whole grains if there is an option. Choosing whole wheat and whole grain is more of a preference thing for me : white shit grosses me out, but it's also a helluva lot better for you.

The second part to my weight loss is that I keep pretty active. I am lazy as fuck but I try to go to the gym 5x a week and lately I've been walking outside because of the gorgeous weather. I know I have to keep moving to feel motivated to eat better.. otherwise I get into a vicious cycle with myself.

I don't normally take any supplements or try gimmicky fad diets but I am doing a trial of the 24 day advocare clean starting next Monday. An awesome reader offered to send me the advocare products and we are going to do the cleanse together. I agreed to it as I can still eat healthy and follow my WW plan while getting an extra boost. I'm hoping for some more energy for my work outs and to just feel a bit cleaner. I will be documenting it on here :)

The bummer part of doing WW in my town is that there is no meeting or weigh in which I love so I decided to start my own. It is not a WW meeting but instead a community weigh in for anyone losing weight with a program or on their own to come for accountablity. This is huge for me as everyone inspires me and I love the energy of knowing we're in it together.

So.. in a million word or less, that is how I'm doing it (this time around aha).

If ya'll have any other questions feel more than free to ask - I was kind of excited to get a question and be able to blog about it. Yep, I'm a dork.

Big Love,

Monday, April 29

a loss, a gain and some short term goals.

Once upon a time, forever ago I joined Jessicas 5 for 5 link up. I remember thinking it was a great idea and then never doing it again.. good work, Bail. You basically set some goals for the week and each week you check in, talk about what you achieved and set some new ones. It's a good way to stay accountable and Im all for accomplishing shit that needs to git' accomplished! So what are my goals for the week?

1. Stay OP. As most of you know I'm doing Weigh Watchers. I thought I did well this week but the scale wasn't saying the same. My official weigh was this AM and Im pretty excited to say I lost another pound - that's a total of 5.2lbs so far no WW :) Anyways - I've been exercising often and eating well but I could definitely track better. I noticed two incidences where I did some hella emotional eating - its good I noticed but now I need to take action. So this week I'm going for strict! I got this.

To be clear : Last weeks weight was 228.8, this week was 227.8 :) Yay!

2. Sleep like a normal human. I fucking love sleep - I could shnooze for days and once Im asleep I can go anywhere from 10-13hours. Unfortunately I sort of suck at falling asleep and after 2.5 years of staying up until 3am to talk to my long distance boyfriend through skype (4 hour time difference is to be blamed) I'm used to staying up late. I know this isn't healthy for me and won't get me anywhere with my weight loss so I would like to get on a better schedule. I'd like to be going to bed by midnight and up by 10 (I know, it sounds crazy that that is improvement) by next Monday. :)

3. Posses my car. I am buying a car this week (this would be the gain I was referring to in the title of my post) and I would really like to have all my ducks in a row and be driving it by the weekend and be able to call it mine (hopefully sooner, like Wed). I'm pretty excited about this btw. It's nothing fancy but I'm just so excited to have that freedom of owning a vehicle again! No more bumming rides - yahoo! You'd think I just bought a Benz by the excitement I'm experiencing.

4. Run. I've been doing a lot of walking and I'm definitely working out but I would like to run a few times this week because I would eventually like to get back to running for longer than 5 freakin' minutes. I'm headed out for a walk right after this and hoping to get in a few minutes of running - wish me luck.

5.Be Money Smart. Now that I've bought a car I'm not exactly rolling in dough so I want to try to make good choices with my money. I'm a good saver anyway and I don't spend much but I have to be careful to not get carried away. I may be hitting the city thsi weekend with some friends and I need to give myself a reasonable budget and not get drunk and buy 30$ worth of pizza.. for so many reasons.

What are you goals for the week?
You can link up too at http://www.fantasticallyaverage.com/ :)

Big Love,

PS. I can't even believe it - sometime in the last 24 hours I reached 305 Likes on my Facebook Page - awesomeee.

Friday, April 26

And The Winner Is...

One week ago I posted my 300 follower giveaway. I am now at 327 GFC followers, 346 Twitter Followers and 283 Likes on FB - what fun! I know I say it all the time but I still can't believe people even read this ole' thing! Thanks so much to everyone who participated and spread the word - this week was fun and I was so excited to pick the winner that I stayed up until 1am when it was officially over so I could pick it! Are you ready??

BIG congrats go out to Krystal! I'll be emailing you in the AM! :) 

Sad you didn't win? I'm giving away 25$ credit to Kiki La Rue at Mish Lovin Life along with a TON of other great prizes from other sponsors so there is always more to be won! :) 

Big Love!

Wednesday, April 24

My First WW Weigh In

Happy Weigh In Wednesday Everyone! For those of you stopping by from Erin and Alex' link up - welcome to Being Bailey J and I will be around to see how ya'll did this week by the end of the day!
PS. There is only 2 days left to enter my giveaway (and its pretty awesome) so head over HERE to enter!

First things first, if you follow my facebook page (which you should - go like it!) I posted my very first (this time around) Weight Watchers Weigh In on Monday! I wanted to wait to share it in this post but I was too excited. So those of you who follow my FB got the news first - last Monday I started WW at 233lbs and this week I weighed in at 228.8 with a 4.2lb loss. I'm so excited!

The thing is, I would be more excited about the same loss had I done better. I had a good week but I could've stayed on plan more, logged a bit better and hit the gym an extra time or two. This week I'm going to work on those things - no excuses and hopefully have another great loss! I really wanna get out of that 226-230 area I've been in since I gained the weight back - that's when I will feel like I'm actually headed in a good direction. I feel that way now though - no complaints so far about WW!

Another exciting thing in the Weight Loss world happened last night but wasn't so much about me. After a blog post about joining WW, a friend of a friend suggested I start a weigh in in my community. I wanted to do this because there is no WW here and in HS when I did WW I LOVED the sense of community and accountability I received from the meetings. So when she suggested it I thought - why not - lets make it happen and last night was the first weigh in.

It all happened so quick, I organized it and put it together and didn't have much planned so I was a bit nervous as I waited at the location. I made it drop in style to give people some time to work around their busy schedules. I was a bit disappointed with the turn out but was happy anyone came at all. Around here it takes time for things to catch on and I know people lead busy lives, itsa kinda just the way it is so I wasn't too let down. I'm hoping it catches on and builds and that we can turn it into something fun. If I help anyone at all I'll be happy -  helping people with health and weight loss is definitely something I would consider looking into for a future career so maybe this will help me figure that out.

Before I head out I would like to bring something up to those of you, wherever you are, who are trying to lose weight and possibly those of you with a competitive streak! I have joined 2 weight loss challenges with a random, awesome group of women on FB (none of whom I know in person) in the last 6 months and have loved it. Here is what MC, the creator of the challenges has to say about it :

Monday, May 6-Monday, Aug.5th
15$ to Join
Weekly Weigh Ins Via Email w/ Scale Pics
Private group [onfb] with tons of support and encouragement
1st, 2nd and 3rd place CASH prizes.
Payment is due before the start date. 
Join THIS private challenge group prior to start of challenge. 
Get someone to join and pay 10$ instead of 15$ (They can do the same)

 The community is great, you can always find support and I really enjoy being a part of it. If you are interested please leave a comment, inbox me on facebook or you can check out the group HERE or the event HERE. I will share the event on my blogs facebook page and my person fb page just in case! Hope someone of you are interested! Lose weight AND get paid to do it? Count this chick in.

Hope everyone is having a fabulous week on and off the scales! Wish me luck on my 2nd week of WW. They always say you don't do so hot the 2nd week but I say stfu - this is like my millionth week trying to lose weight aha. So classy.

Big Love,

Ps. I saw this on pinterest and loved it. It's so true. Do things that make you happy because waiting for someone else to can be real disappointing. :)

Sunday, April 21

The Path I Chose To Follow

Not having gone to University straight out of High School (or at all yet) is a bit of a sore spot for me. Not so much sore as insecure..makes me uneasy. When people who don't know me well ask me when I head back to school or where I'm studying I get a little weird and feel a bit ashamed when I have to tell them that I never went. This June will mark four years since I graduated high school (HOLY OLD FUCK) which means that many of those I graduated high school with are now graduating university. This definitely makes me a bit uneasy.

I have always felt judged for not going to university and I have always had serious insecurities about my intelligence in general since way before I graduated. It wasn't until recently that I realized I have nothing to worry about. Though I don't have a degree, I have certainly accomplished things and experienced so much since I graduated High School. On top of that, I don't judge anyone else for not going to university - why worry about if anyone is doing it to me? Those who know and care about me know that I will do it when it's right for me. If it never is then fine - it doesn't mean I won't be successful.

To those of you graduating, from the Class of 2009 especially, I'M SO PROUD OF YOU! I know how hard you have worked and I'm so excited to see what's next for everyone. My friends have all chosen crazy different paths even when it comes to school. One friend tried a few different colleges, found one she liked, then finished out her diploma while raising a baby and she is honestly the most amazing mother ever. Now she has her own business. Another friend tried college then decided to travel across the world and have crazy adventures and is now in college kicking ass and taking names. I have a friend who is moving to the other end of the country to further her degree and that is going to be such an exciting and scary adventure. And another who is graduating this year and plans to travel to Africa next year. They all tried different schools, they all chosen different paths, they are all amazing and im so proud of each of them.

The thing is that Im not just proud of how far they have gone with their education but of the kind of people my friends have grown to be, whether they went to school or not Some have never been to school yet, some have dropped out, some went late and some went directly after high school and have graduated and began their careers. Either way, they are amazing people who's worth I have never measured by education and realizing that helped me realize that people probably don't give a shit whether I went to school or not. These people in my life are amazing students and hard workers but also amazing friends, amazing girlfriends/boyfriends, amazing mothers and fathers now and some will soon be amazing husbands and wives. These are things that I could be proud of and being a hard worker, a good friend, girlfriend, some day mother and someday wife don't seem like bad ways to define myself if I never further my education.

Since I graduated I have volunteered in two orphanages, I have seen 7 new countries : Guatemala, Costa Rica, Panama, Nicaragua, Honduras, Cuba and Mexico and made countless friends during those travels. I have learned Spanish and lived with a Guatemalan family. I have had my first real relationship and traveled across the continent twice for love. I have worked my ass off as a waitress to do everything I do on my own. I have experienced the happiest and the most sad feelings of my life, I have experienced heart break and freedom and betrayal and I even lost my virginity. I now have no debts to pay and so many good memories & this little spot on the internet that makes me way happier than it should.In summation : I do not regret not going to school and I will not let it be a point of insecurity for me anymore.

 I have learned so much about the world and discovered so much about myself since high school and is that not knowledge? Also the amount of things I have learned form my friend who are in school (especially weird shit about the human body - Thanks Tam and Maddy) is a whole other story - I learn so much from the people around me. In many ways I am more lost then the day I graduated and had no idea what was coming my way but maybe being lost isn't so bad. Aren't we all a bit lost?

So whichever path you choose to travel - travel it with pride. Follow a path that makes you happy. Follow a path that scares the shit out of you. Follow a path that makes you feel alive. Make it worth it, whatever you do. That's my plan.

A little grad photo action to finish it off right :

Big Love,
Bailey J

Have you entered my 300 follower giveaway yet? Check it out!

Friday, April 19


Lovely ladies and gents - the time has finally freakin' come. I promised a giveaway when I reached 300 followers (which was 8 followers and a few weeks ago) and I've been putting some things together and can finally present it to you. I wasn't totally sure what would be included at first but it has all come together on this glorious Friday! T-G-I-FREAKIN-F, pals!

So what's for the taking you may ask? A giveaway I totally wish I could enter and win!

50$ Credit to Kiki La Rue or Forever 21 (Winners Choice!)
La Senza Goddess Nectar
5 Mini Polishes 
& I may just add to it as I go.

Dudes you can SO enter this too. I know most of you may see these products that are generally sold to and used by women but who cares? You can use em or give em as a gift you didn't even have to pay for for a lady friend or family member in your life. Hello re-gifting - I ain't ashamed to say I do that shit!

You have 7 days - Ready, Set, Enter

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Tuesday, April 16

I Did It!

I've been talking about it for a few months and I finally did it - I'm officially a weight watcher. I talked about it as I toyed with the idea earlier this year. I planned on joining when I was in Sac with Mark but...obviously that didn't work out. I hadn't really thought about it at all since arriving home but this week I thought - why not?

Nothing I have been doing is working. Will WW work for me? I'm not sure. It works for so many, it has worked for me before (back when I was in HS I lost 40lbs using ww) but I feel nervous about doing it online as the in person weigh in and meeting were important to me back then. I figure there isn't much to lose though (besides the fees and some weight) and I should go for it. Maybe paying will encourage me to keep on track? I track my food anyway - I'm giving it a go.

I feel really good about the decision and I'm feeling positive. I start tomorrow (or today, I guess as it is 1am) and I'm ready to rock and roll. It will probably take me some time to get used to the new points plus system and watching my points plus instead of calories like I have been doing for a couple years but I'm going into it with a good attitude. I know I can do this and I know I can be successful so it's time to prove myself right.

My question for those of you who do weight watchers : do you ALWAYS eat your extra allowance? Do you eat your exercise calories? I think I will probably skip the ladder but use my allowance calories/points. Do you have someone weigh you in if you only do it online to keep you accountable? I've been thinking about doing that. Let me know :)

Big Love,
Bailey J

PS. I've been thinking about putting together a biggest loser competition in my community - pay 25$, 8 -12 weeks, goes by body percentage so people can join at different points in their journey and still have a fair chance. If you live here and are interested - please let me know. I wouldn't organize it unless I had a solid commitment from a certain amount of people. :)

Friday, April 12


Giveaways in blogs are a weird concept. When I first started my blog and started seeing them I didn't really understand the point - why is this person offering to give me free shit? Did I enter? Of course I entered but I didn't really understand. I was the blogger who advertised blogs for free and didn't realize certain blogs charged to advertise for other blogs. Oh the things I have learned since then.

Giveaways are a way to bring people to your blog, gain followers not only on your blog but other social media outlets such as facebook, twitter, bloglovin, linked in, pinterest etc. For me, I do giveaways to celebrate my milestones and appreciate readers - and of course, I enjoy new followers like any other blogger. I am currently working on my 2nd giveaway for reaching 300 followers.

I've entered a lot of giveaways and yes - I have even won a few. The first giveaway I ever won was on one of my favorite blogs that sort of disappeared into thin air - haven't heard from her in over a year. Sad face. Anyway, I won a Bobble Water Bottle from her and was the most excited girl on the planet.

Since then I have won a lot of ad space to blogs. I rarely buy ad space and if I do it's because there is a sale and it's a blog I love so I want to support them. I get pretty excited about winning ad space though - it's cool to go to a blog I love and see my face on the side of it. I don't offer ad space simply because my blog would become messy because I don't know ANYTHING about blog design. Off topic. Aside from ad space I have won a few gift cards to amazon and this pretty necklace that is currently coming to me in the mail - so excited to receive it!

Most recently I won a credit to Sephora from Chelsea and Carly. For any of you girls who are into make up, which is probably most of you, you probably know the awesomness that is Sephora and how freakin' wicked free money to Sephora is. My struggle is that I have NO idea what to buy. The problem is not that I don't like anything - it's that I like everything.

The one item from Sephora I've been coveting forever is the Naked Palette but I cannot afford or bring myself to spend 50$ on it. So I asked myself - could I spend 30$ on it (as my gift card would cover 20)? I still don't think I could. So I let go of that dream for now.

I also thought about trying a gift set so I could test out some different products to see what I would be willing to buy full price in the future but I'm not seeing anything that strikes me. This Benefit Eyeshadow set is sort of speaking to me - what do you guys think of it?

My last big idea that I'm leaning toward is buying a new foundation. I care about nice skin more than eye shadow or lips and I'm still searching for the perfect foundation or bb cream. The scary thing with ordering foundation online though is that if it doesn't match I just wasted my gift card. I've ended up looking like this one too many times.

It's a big decision to make, I'm telling you! If you could order one thing from Sephora what would it be? Should I consider a product I haven't mentioned?! Help me out friends!!

Big Love,


Wednesday, April 10


I had a conversation with a friend today about being disconnected. Lately I'm always sort of lost in my own thoughts (which I hate to admit, it's selfish) and less engaged in conversations and what happens in social settings. That is so not me. I really want to work on that and get back to being bubbly and talkative like I normally am. No more of this withdrawn bullshit.

I need and wish to get back to being healthy and productive as well. Being healthy and productive gets me more in touch with my body and mind and keeps me much happier. Struggling with getting over my break up and not having a job is a lethal mixture : it gives me a lot of time to just lose myself inside my own head and disconnect from who I am and the people and situations I'm surrounded with and things I want to achieve. I'm not cool with that and I'm trying to fight it that cycle.

So my goals for the week are to reconnect with reality and to reconnect with myself. I want to get connected with my body and feel good. I always feel sick and full and sad and blah. I want to fuel my body with healthy foods, get moving, do something productive and get my brain functioning. I'm not going to worry about the scale this week - I'm only concerned with feeling good. I also want to feel accomplished- to have a good week and feel proud and know that I can turn this around. I'm not going to weigh in at all because at this point it doesn't matter. I've gained 7 lbs so whatever i'm doing isn't working so I just need to do something that DOES work, makes me feel better and just ignore that scale for now.

Specific goals would be to really try to eat cleaner. On top of losing weight I would like to get rid of all the chemicals and crazy shit that I take in by eating processed foods. I've been watching documentaries and reading so many scary things about food it makes me want to see the day where I treat my body well and don't put it through that. It's hard on this island - we're very limited.. but I can take small steps. The first will be to stalk up on food even though I'm feeling a bit broke. If I'm going to spend my money on anything it should be a fridge full of health foods!

Last but not least I have some pretty cool news. After last weeks edition of weigh in Wednesday a very lovely, sweet woman named Meredith left me a comment on my blog to email her asap. I reply to all comments and always love to interact with anyone, especially folks who read my blog, (unless you are a no-reply commentor or blogger which you need to fix) so I contacted her. She made me an offer I couldn't refuse.. well.. I could have but it would have been dumb and rude!

She wrote "I want to help. Have you thought about the 10 or 24 Day Cleanse that everyone is doing with Advocare? Or heard of it? I'm assuming you have being a part of the blog world. :) have you decided for or against it for any reason? I'm asking, because I would love to buy it for you if you are open to it. (I am not a distributor, so this would be completely out of my pocket.) I did it a few weeks ago but only lasted 4 days. But even in just those 4 days I felt so much better, and I really want to give it a go again. I would love it if you would do it with me, and we could hold each other accountable. I got the 10 Day Cleanse and then added on the MNS-3 which was like doing it for 24 days. Like I said, I didn't finish it, so I want to try it again. I would be completely willing to buy you the 10 day cleanse, or that plus the other supplement to make it 24 days. If you do it with me. You wouldn't owe me a thing, just a promise that you'll stick to it with me. :) I just really felt for you after your post bc I've been there. I want to pay it forward and help somebody out (while helping myself at the same time."

At first I was like Holy - I can't believe this. I instantly was so thankful for my blog - it has connected me with people who actually care about me enough, from reading one blog post (it was her first visit to my blog that day) to try and help me out! Now.. you all may know from this post how I feel about diet supplements and fad diets - I'm pretty old fashion. The only thing I have considered trying is Shakeology for all the awesome nutrients and the fact that you're allowed to eat meals on it. I've also mulled over advocare products after reading all about it on a blog I love - Butler : Party of Two - and Advocare gives me the same sort of vibe. They are both more about nutrition and giving you all the things you need rather than weight loss. I did the research, I feel good about using it and I accepted Merediths offer. We'll be started at the end of the month and I'm excited for the boost - it should be cool and I will be giving you guys the full run down on how i feel, energy levels, weight loss, all the things I'm taking, inches lost, and whatever else you want to know!

What do you guys think about me trying advocare? After reading up on it -do you think it's gimmicky like a fad diet or do you think I'm making the right decision? I'm feeling good about the decision to try it as it's about health not weight loss and while I'm trying to lose weight you have to change your health habits in order for that to happen.

Big Love,

PS. Somehow I haven't remembered to write about the fact that I had my first ever blogger meet up! I met Georgia from one of the first weight loss blogs I started reading back when I started writing about it. I've mentioned Georgia a million times and I've even wrote for her here. Check her out here and check out my first photo with a blogger. You have no idea how excited I was. It was such a nice time (we met up for coffee in my hometown where she came for work) and she was so sweet, and funny and even more cool in person. A definite success!

Photo cred to Georgia - I totally stole this from her twitter. She's gorgeous and I'm a mess! haha

Friday, April 5

Positive Vibes

Ever since I started receiving the feedback from my last post I've been focusing on positive vibes. I've been getting lot's of support, advice and some important tough love. I needed those things. I said I was waiting for the click and I received it.

A good friend said in a comment "We support you because you can get over it if you let yourself. Life can fuck you up man, everyone goes through shit and sometimes you think you'll never be happy again but thats the challenge - proving you are strong. You cant be strong by being skinny, you get strength by changing your life and your direction. There is no reason why you cant be as happy as you wish to be, counting the things wrong will always cancel out the good things." 

I needed to hear these things and ever since I read it my perspective and my attitude have totally changed. It starts here with me : I can choose to be strong and push through every thing I'm going through or I can choose to let it over power all the good things in my life and I SEE all those good things a bit clearer now!
For example I won 30$ that night - awesome. I also hit the 300 (and counting)mark in followers on my blog and that felt awesome. I decided to look at things from a positive angle and it has made my days much better. Am I struggling with my eating still? Fuck yes but I'm doing better and I've got in a few work outs. I'm also on my way to the city with my friends for the night I was anxious about with zero anxiety. It's going to be a lot of fun and there's no point in worrying about it when it can be so much fun. 

Sometimes when you're in a state like that, everything seems gloomy, and you just let the negativity build and grow until everything seems negative and it ruins everything it touches. I'm trying very hard to not let it do that and to turn it around.. I can choose that or I can choose to let everything be shitty. 

The fun, positive awesomeness that is coming up on Being Bailey J would be the giveaway I promised to celebrate 300 followers! Im just starting to put that together (I know, so unprepared) but it's coming asap. If you're a fellow blogger and you want to get in on it with some ad space or anything really just let me know - I'd love to have you! Shoot me an email at bailey.j.small@hotmail.com

Have an AWESOME weekend and to Breanna : hope you have an awesome time tonight celebrating your birthday! 

Big Love,

Tuesday, April 2

Helpless and Hopeless

I've been avoiding the scale for almost a week now - I usually weigh myself every day. I tend to avoid the scale for a couple of reasons. One is the rare occasion that I get cocky with my weight loss. If I'm on a roll I think I don't need to pay close attention to the scale because I know what I'm doing. That is certainly not what has been going on this week. This time I have been avoiding the scale because I've lost control and I'm scared of what I'll see on there.. this is the most common reason.

I'm totally out of control and I feel helpless. It's embarrassing to write about because I know some people don't understand - they don't understand that I can't just stop eating the way I have been 90% of my life and all of a sudden be a healthy eater and lose the weight. I wish I could but I can't. I wake up every morning with good intentions but then real life happens. By the end of the day I've binged, sometimes more than once and I feel like I'm going to throw up as I climb into bed.

When I stepped on the scale this morning I was 7lbs heavier than the last time I weighed in which was only a week ago. I was 4lbs heavier than I was on New Years which means that instead of losing weight since New Years like I planned, I've gained 4lbs. I don't know if I could feel like more of a failure than I do right now in my life. My relationship failed, I'm broke, I'm basically unemployed, I'm living at home, I'm uneducated and I'm severely obese. It's a sad day when you realize you'd rather just be dead than face the fact that your life is basically going no where. I don't know how to pull myself out of this place and I fear that I never will. 

I can sit here and make plans for all the work outs I'm going to do, and tricks I'm going to try, and foods I'm going to cut out but considering my track record there doesn't seem to be much point. I can't stick to it and I eventually fail. I'm lonely, I'm bored and I'd venture to say I'm a little depressed and food seems to be my way of filling those voids and then I spiral out of control.

I cry tears of embarrassment as I sit and think about the food I sneak and hide, the snacks at 2 in the morning and the fact that I've been nauseous and dizzy for over a week now because I've been eating so horribly. What the fuck is wrong with me? I see no light at the end of my tunnel. 

The mirror is another thing I've been avoiding because I can see it.. I can see it all over me. I know my friends and acquaintances can see it too. I feel it every time I walk into a room - I feel like my weight gain is written across my forehead and I spend 75% of my time around people trying to convince myself that they don't notice but they'd be blind not to notice. 

I've been so excited for this upcoming weekend. It's a friends birthday and a bunch of girls will be getting dolled up, going to the bar and dancing all night. Instead of being excited for it I'm now so anxious I could throw up thinking about it. How will I avoid standing in pictures beside all my beautiful, skinny friends? It's like God blessed me with the hottest friends on the earth so my flaws and weight will be amplified when going out with them.

I wonder if I'll be left alone on the dance floor. I wonder if my friends will wish they hadn't invited me, is my weight embarrassing for them too? I wonder what I'll wear to try and hide my body. I wonder if there is a level of spandex strong enough in this world to make me look worthy to be with them. I wonder if guys will discuss who has to take the fat friend when approaching my friends. I wonder who will laugh at me from the side of the bar, wondering why I thought it was okay to wear the skirt I chose. I will spend the next 3 days dreading what was suppose to be something so fun for me.

I don't want to live like this anymore but I don't know how I'm ever going to change. Is a lobotomy an option? 

Big Love,

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