Tuesday, April 2

Helpless and Hopeless

I've been avoiding the scale for almost a week now - I usually weigh myself every day. I tend to avoid the scale for a couple of reasons. One is the rare occasion that I get cocky with my weight loss. If I'm on a roll I think I don't need to pay close attention to the scale because I know what I'm doing. That is certainly not what has been going on this week. This time I have been avoiding the scale because I've lost control and I'm scared of what I'll see on there.. this is the most common reason.

I'm totally out of control and I feel helpless. It's embarrassing to write about because I know some people don't understand - they don't understand that I can't just stop eating the way I have been 90% of my life and all of a sudden be a healthy eater and lose the weight. I wish I could but I can't. I wake up every morning with good intentions but then real life happens. By the end of the day I've binged, sometimes more than once and I feel like I'm going to throw up as I climb into bed.

When I stepped on the scale this morning I was 7lbs heavier than the last time I weighed in which was only a week ago. I was 4lbs heavier than I was on New Years which means that instead of losing weight since New Years like I planned, I've gained 4lbs. I don't know if I could feel like more of a failure than I do right now in my life. My relationship failed, I'm broke, I'm basically unemployed, I'm living at home, I'm uneducated and I'm severely obese. It's a sad day when you realize you'd rather just be dead than face the fact that your life is basically going no where. I don't know how to pull myself out of this place and I fear that I never will. 

I can sit here and make plans for all the work outs I'm going to do, and tricks I'm going to try, and foods I'm going to cut out but considering my track record there doesn't seem to be much point. I can't stick to it and I eventually fail. I'm lonely, I'm bored and I'd venture to say I'm a little depressed and food seems to be my way of filling those voids and then I spiral out of control.

I cry tears of embarrassment as I sit and think about the food I sneak and hide, the snacks at 2 in the morning and the fact that I've been nauseous and dizzy for over a week now because I've been eating so horribly. What the fuck is wrong with me? I see no light at the end of my tunnel. 

The mirror is another thing I've been avoiding because I can see it.. I can see it all over me. I know my friends and acquaintances can see it too. I feel it every time I walk into a room - I feel like my weight gain is written across my forehead and I spend 75% of my time around people trying to convince myself that they don't notice but they'd be blind not to notice. 

I've been so excited for this upcoming weekend. It's a friends birthday and a bunch of girls will be getting dolled up, going to the bar and dancing all night. Instead of being excited for it I'm now so anxious I could throw up thinking about it. How will I avoid standing in pictures beside all my beautiful, skinny friends? It's like God blessed me with the hottest friends on the earth so my flaws and weight will be amplified when going out with them.

I wonder if I'll be left alone on the dance floor. I wonder if my friends will wish they hadn't invited me, is my weight embarrassing for them too? I wonder what I'll wear to try and hide my body. I wonder if there is a level of spandex strong enough in this world to make me look worthy to be with them. I wonder if guys will discuss who has to take the fat friend when approaching my friends. I wonder who will laugh at me from the side of the bar, wondering why I thought it was okay to wear the skirt I chose. I will spend the next 3 days dreading what was suppose to be something so fun for me.

I don't want to live like this anymore but I don't know how I'm ever going to change. Is a lobotomy an option? 

Big Love,
Bailey 

22 comments:

  1. I am so sorry you are feeling so low :( It does sound like depression, especially the way you described your life and how it is going no where. From reading your blog and how you write, I know you are an intelligent and worth woman.... and it doesn't seem like you see that.

    I've been depressed, for the first time in my life, last year. And I am still in it, though I can feel its grip loosening on me. My depression was brought on by a tragedy, and it seems like yours is too (the breakup and life kind of spiraling out of control). I hope time heals you, I hope you can find the support you need right now.

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  2. this just brought tears to my eyes, but glad i have friday off to spend some time with you. i love you so much and ive had my heart broken before and i know how much it sucks, last summer after i got dumped and cheated on i was the biggest ive been and i was miserable and im always scared ill go back to that. you can do it bails, this slump isnt going to last forever and i can promise you that. every day, you may not even realize, but the pain will fade and eventually you'll wake up and be like, 'wow, im okay' <3 for now me and the rest of your friends are here for you, just like you've been there for all of us.. i know i dont understand the exact situation but i completely understand where you're coming from, there will be better days
    -nat

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  3. I know things seem overwhelming right now. Try not to focus on all of it, pick one thing. For me, I can never control my eating. Once I think about restricting myself, all I want to do is eat things I wouldn't normally eat anyway. It's hard to get out there and sweat it up but I always feel good after a work out, whether it is running, walking or whatever. I dread it until I do it, then I am always thankful I did. And when I work out I do seem to automatically control my eating a little better. If you do a challenging workout, it gives you confidence to do other things. Gives you something to be proud of. You are a beautiful girl so try not to worry about what anyone else thinks. Baby steps. You can do it! You've got hundreds of Bailey fans out there pulling for you!

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  4. sweetheart - STOP. your life is all over the place right now. i totally understand that. you think i can't get control of anything. and guess what, you CAN. but first off, it's ok to try and scream and eat. honestly it is. but then get up and LOOK in the mirror. remind yourself that you are better than this. this too shall pass. and it'll be ok.
    i went through a horrible divorce and i would cry daily. and have one to many WTFs. lol. but it's been about 6 months and guess what - it's OK!!
    everyone is fighting their own battle. those skinny pretty friends of yours have issues too.
    be bailey j. you are too pretty to be anyone else but her! rock her.

    xoxoxo

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  5. Bailey Bailey Bailey... first things first... you can not control what other people think. I guarantee your friends don't think any of those bad things and if strangers do, then yes, that's painful... but you can't control it. What you can do is spend the time enjoying yourself, enjoying your friends, enjoying the dance floor... THOSE are the important things!

    The next thing, as far as your weight loss is concerned, you can't look to the end of the tunnel, about getting skinny, about making all of these 1,000 changes. What you can do is set yourself up for success by making small changes... eventually you're going to change and those small habits will snowball into bigger habits. Drink plenty of water, get some rest, eat more veggies. Just set small goals and don't try to change everything at once. You CAN do it, I know you can... even if you don't know it right now!

    And girl, it really wouldn't hurt to give your Dr. a call... if you're depressed, that's nothing to mess around with and things can and will get SO much better! xoxo

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  6. Bail, as a follow fat friend, I can really relate to EVERYTHING in this post. I know what it's like to have gorgeous friends and feel as if I'm the joke of the group. I have felt that way my whole life, but I've learned that they too have their own set of problems and insecurities as all girls do. But weight is a very looked down upon in our society so it really singles us "juicy bitches" out.
    And depression is an asshole, straight up just a pure bitch. She will make your insecurities multiply and make you feel even more of a disappointment to yourself. I have been struggling against my depressions for a year know. And recently I've decided to give her the finger and pick myself up and make her look like the fool. I do take a bit of an antidepressant, not because I want to, but because it does help. I chose the smallest dose because I don't want to depend on them forever, but because it also helps me. So don't rule out that version of help, because sometimes the encouraging voice that you KNOW is there inside you can't scream over the bitch that is right in your ear telling you that you have failed so far and will only continue to fail. We can do this, I can, you can, because we don't give up. That's how I know that we will get through this.
    I feel like I have 0 friends on the island right now, so I am ALWAYS open to something. I am SO bored and in the same place, I'm basically unemployed, I'm fat, I'm struggling to keep my life together, pay my bills, I'm lonely, single, but I'm not ALONE and neither are you. I want to start hiking, I've never been to the hole in the wall or on any trails. On nice days, text me, I would love to explore this island. Get lost alittle and maybe find a piece of myself on a beach or a trail around the island. I am here for you :) I just suck at reaching out to people.
    xoxox you're get through this bail. I believe in you, we all do <3

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  7. i know leaving negativity is the rule here, but i cant help but be negative. i have been your friend since before we could understand we were friends and i have never been insulted like this. i know ypu dont mean it to be cruel but the way you say that ypur friends dont want to be seen with you because your fat or we are embarassed? what kind of friend am i? am i that big of a bitch? i know im not the most compassionate person ever but do you honestly think we dont love you at all? because you have a huge group of friends bloggers and family that are alwaus behind ypu 100%. we were all behind u when u went to see mark even though that was crazy its not easy on us to see you so upset but we support u because you can get over it, if you let yourself. life can fuck you up man everyone goes through shit and sometimes you think youll never be happy again but thats the challenge proving you are strong. you cant be strong by being skinny you get strength by changing your life and your direction. there is no reason why u cant be as happy as you wish to be. counting the things wrong will always cancel out the good things. sorry for the tough love but its because i love you and i know tough love made me see things diferently.

    diana

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  8. Dont feel like you are alone Bail!! I get that anxiety every time I go out with the girls too. Sometimes I let it take over and I would just rather not go, so I don't! Which isnt right. I guess when you think about it, when all of our twig perfectly thin friends get ready for the night, all they do is complain about how fat they think they look- and wont have a second thought about me, or you! lol. I know that doesnt make it any better, and trust me, I would be much more thankful if I could like them but I believe you can find many people that will relate to you. I am not saying it is common or easy because it is hard, it does suck, but you do have people here for you :)
    -em

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  9. Hang in there, honey. You'll be ok. I live at home, have had failed relationships, don't have my degree, and am really low on money too. You're not the only one so don't feel like a failure, because you're not! Not at all! xoxoxo

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  10. I have tears in my eyes reading this Bails.You are so loved and not an embarassment at all to anyone.Life is hard and I know all about feeling dejected and humiliated and sometimes alone.It sucks and it is so draining..BUT!!!!Every day is a fresh start-just get thru one at a time and they will add up to a week then a month then so on .You can do it.Stop the self hatred.NOW!!!!! love you to the moon and back...Debs

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  11. losing weight is no fun. but you just have to find your groove. you can do this and you deserve it. just take it one day at a time. you deserve to feel amazing next to your skinny friends....read more workout blogs to get you motivated. follow more weight loss people on fb and IG, that helps me. but don't be too hard on yourself. We all have these days, what you do about them is what prooves how strong you are!

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  12. I also had a recent failed relationship and decided it was time to make ME happy! Do it for yourself and your happiness. I promise it is worth it! Keep your head up

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  13. Girl, you don't know me from a stranger on the street, but let me just tell you this .... Stop, take a breathe and just calm down for 2 seconds! First of all, I don't know your friends, but I am betting that they do not care what you look like and are friends with you because of who you are! You can't control what strangers think of you, so there is no reason to even think about them or what they are thinking of you. Get dressed up, have a girls night and have fun! You can't worry about all the little things!

    Instead of trying to change everything with the weight loss, try setting small goals. You will feel amazing when you accomplish them and those little goals with eventually turn into big goals made and accomplished! So not be so hard on yourself. It seems like with life happening so fast for you right now, you are being sucked in and under and feel like there is no way out, but there always is!

    You have bloggers, friends, and family who will be there for you if you need it! It is not an easy journey and Im sorry you are having such a low point, but I can promise life will get better! Keep your head high and your dreams higher, you sound like a very intelligent woman, you know you can do it!

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  14. I've been where you are in every way. I am so proud of you for making the decision you made, it doesn't seem like it now but it was the right thing. I can say with out question today that I did what I wish I had done years ago when I left Adam in the fall. It will all click, you will heal & you will be so much stronger for it.

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  15. Bailey, I encourage you to read a book that I recently read called Made to Crave by Lysa TerKeurst. It has totally transformed the way I think of my weight loss journey. It may offer some hope for you as well. Much love, blogger friend! There is hope!

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  16. Can you email me? I want to help...
    Mcginnis.meredith@yahoo

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  17. I really wish I could say something to cheer you up. I am so sad that you feel so alone and depressed. I can promise you though, your friends do not think those bad things about you. You can't worry with what anyone thinks though. You just have to find what makes you happy and be happy for you. Losing weight is a long, slow road but if that is what you want to do, just know you have plenty of people in your corner cheering you on the whole way.

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  18. I don't have any more to add to the wonderful advice and support you've gotten here already, but I just was
    wanted to add my voice to those lifting you up. We've all been there at one point in our lives, and you have tons and tons of empathy coming at you! Those feelings you're having are normal and some may even be valid. But you have to draw on some strength deep inside you to continue to put one foot in front of the other and keep on keepin' on. Life is full of peaks and valleys, so take solace in the fact that life is looking up! Maybe a burst of motivation and inspiration is just around the corner, but even if it isn't, know that your friends (and complete strangers) are still pulling for you and will support you throughout your journey!

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  19. oh hunny, I totally feel you. this has been the first week in months ive felt happy with myself. everyone has really great advice and eventually I promise you it will click, promise. and then youll have a day or a week where you feel like shit again. you just have to remember that you are worth the effort of trying to be healthy and happy. maybe aim for not eating something bad that day, or walking for 10 minutes, or drinking water. i know it sounds dumb but it really does help. also keep putting yourself out there, when you have a success no matter how small you think it is, post it! on ig or your blog or whatever the support ive gotten is amazing and it really helps. please email me if you ever need someone to listen or talk or whatev. sonyaewagner@gmail.com

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  20. Okay so you don't know me, but I can tell you THAT YOU ARE NOT ALONE! I am in the same boat of I am all gun-ho to lose this weight and then I usually fall off the bandwagon. This time I am promising myself and others that its not going to happen. The things that are really helping me this time is using the app/website "LOSE IT" and my Fitbit and also doing the weekly Wednesday Weigh0in's to keep me accountable. Remember that we are ONLY HUMAN we make mistakes but we also LEARN from them! Feel free to email me at k.pawul@gmail.com if you ever want to talk or anything....

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  21. Oh sweetie, don't be embarrassed! You are only human, we are all only human. You aren't alone, and for those of us who struggle with our weight, myself included, we know what you are going through.
    I'm like you - I get excited to lose weight, I do really well, and then all of a sudden I'm off track again before I know what happened. Hang in there, keep working at it, it will get better.

    I'm here if you need an ear, anytime! Thank you for linking up with me, and I hope you continue to do so - I'm here with you on this!!

    XO
    Lacey @ CHARM + Sass

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  22. Bailey! Everyone's life sucks sometimes, and most people are tremendously insecure. For years I believed that my bad skin was all people would see when they looked at me, and believe me, I would have traded that beauty blunder for literally anything (just saying, everyone thinks what they've got is the worst). But the point is that my skin was not bad at all, we often believe that what we see in the mirror is what everyone sees, but keep in mind that you have been looking at that same person your whole life and of course the flaws are going to stick out! the people around you, however, do not have time to see the bad things. You're so pretty, you have great hair, and i'm sure, from reading this blog, that you are an amazing person! The only people who will criticize the way you look are assholes who do not matter, and hey! they'll have to live with themselves for the rest of their lives while all you have to do is focus on not giving them the time of day. I terms of getting out of this funk (which from the most recent post it looks like you're moving in the right direction), get out! It's getting warmer and you literally live in one of the most beautiful places in the world. I dream about the ocean there, the beaches, even the smell, and when I'm there I always feel that it is so much easier to get perspective on stuff like this because you are surrounded by so much beautiful life. Be strong Bailey! Don't sweat the small stuff :)

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