I've been avoiding the scale for almost a week now - I usually weigh myself every day. I tend to avoid the scale for a couple of reasons. One is the rare occasion that I get cocky with my weight loss. If I'm on a roll I think I don't need to pay close attention to the scale because I know what I'm doing. That is certainly not what has been going on this week. This time I have been avoiding the scale because I've lost control and I'm scared of what I'll see on there.. this is the most common reason.
I'm totally out of control and I feel helpless. It's embarrassing to write about because I know some people don't understand - they don't understand that I can't just stop eating the way I have been 90% of my life and all of a sudden be a healthy eater and lose the weight. I wish I could but I can't. I wake up every morning with good intentions but then real life happens. By the end of the day I've binged, sometimes more than once and I feel like I'm going to throw up as I climb into bed.
When I stepped on the scale this morning I was 7lbs heavier than the last time I weighed in which was only a week ago. I was 4lbs heavier than I was on New Years which means that instead of losing weight since New Years like I planned, I've gained 4lbs. I don't know if I could feel like more of a failure than I do right now in my life. My relationship failed, I'm broke, I'm basically unemployed, I'm living at home, I'm uneducated and I'm severely obese. It's a sad day when you realize you'd rather just be dead than face the fact that your life is basically going no where. I don't know how to pull myself out of this place and I fear that I never will.
I can sit here and make plans for all the work outs I'm going to do, and tricks I'm going to try, and foods I'm going to cut out but considering my track record there doesn't seem to be much point. I can't stick to it and I eventually fail. I'm lonely, I'm bored and I'd venture to say I'm a little depressed and food seems to be my way of filling those voids and then I spiral out of control.
I cry tears of embarrassment as I sit and think about the food I sneak and hide, the snacks at 2 in the morning and the fact that I've been nauseous and dizzy for over a week now because I've been eating so horribly. What the fuck is wrong with me? I see no light at the end of my tunnel.
The mirror is another thing I've been avoiding because I can see it.. I can see it all over me. I know my friends and acquaintances can see it too. I feel it every time I walk into a room - I feel like my weight gain is written across my forehead and I spend 75% of my time around people trying to convince myself that they don't notice but they'd be blind not to notice.
I've been so excited for this upcoming weekend. It's a friends birthday and a bunch of girls will be getting dolled up, going to the bar and dancing all night. Instead of being excited for it I'm now so anxious I could throw up thinking about it. How will I avoid standing in pictures beside all my beautiful, skinny friends? It's like God blessed me with the hottest friends on the earth so my flaws and weight will be amplified when going out with them.
I wonder if I'll be left alone on the dance floor. I wonder if my friends will wish they hadn't invited me, is my weight embarrassing for them too? I wonder what I'll wear to try and hide my body. I wonder if there is a level of spandex strong enough in this world to make me look worthy to be with them. I wonder if guys will discuss who has to take the fat friend when approaching my friends. I wonder who will laugh at me from the side of the bar, wondering why I thought it was okay to wear the skirt I chose. I will spend the next 3 days dreading what was suppose to be something so fun for me.
I don't want to live like this anymore but I don't know how I'm ever going to change. Is a lobotomy an option?