Monday, May 6

Why I Want My Clothes Ripped Off.

I was 21 when I lost my virginity. I'll be 22 in a couple of weeks and I've had sex 30-40 times and only with one person. He was my first and only love and I do not regret it. We are no longer together and I no longer have sex. I don't know when I will ever have sex again but my insecure self tells me a long time because it will take another 21 years to find another man willing to have sex with me.

This is my mindset and it has been for most of my life. I've spent the better part of 21 years wondering if I will ever find someone who can love me. If I do find someone who will love me, will they be attracted to me or settle for my charm (kidding..sort of)? Because it seems like I can probably find someone who is desperate enough to lower their standards to my level if they need it bad enough but they don't want to wife me up or anything crazy. I know how awful it sounds because I know how awful it feels. Who knows how I got to this place?

When I had my first serious boyfriend I thought those feelings would change. I was very comfortable with Mark and sex with him was never uncomfortable or nerve wracking for me when it came to the intimacy and my body etc. I never felt insecure and I enjoyed having sex with him - I was always extremely attracted to Mark from the start. I thought that being this comfortable and having sex with someone who loved me would bring on a healthier relationship with my body and self love. I thought that since someone else would love my body and like to see it naked that it might make it easier for me.

This should be the part where I tell you that it didn't and that though Mark loved my body and made me feel beautiful, it had to start with me, I had to love my body for what it is and love myself for who I am. But it isn't that part. It's the part that I tell you that I have still never been naked with a guy and I hate my body even more.

I spent all of my relationship yearning to be told I was beautiful and every time we had sex I ached to have my clothes ripped off (sorry Mom) - neither of those things ever happened.I wanted so much for him to view me as beautiful, to want all of me, to make me feel like all my insecurities were craziness. Instead, I learned that my body was not only something I hated but something that my boyfriend, from what I could understand, was settling for too, dealing with because he loved me.

From that I took away that finding someone someday who will truly know me, love me and want to be with me and also consider me sexy and beautiful is pretty much impossible. Mark loved me very much and I don't know if anyone will ever love me like that again and since he loved me like that and couldn't find me sexy or beautiful than how can I expect to find someone else who will? Not that I'm looking anyway but.. it's a pretty depressing thought.

This still brings me to the same conclusion though..that I need to love my body for what it is, not for how someone else sees it. Maybe I will find someone who is into all this.. I can't imagine why they would be but who knows. All I know is that even if I don't ever find someone, I might as well learn to love myself so at least I know someone digs it..even if its just me.

Will I ever be okay with my body? I have no fucking idea but at least I know I have to change.. that's the first step.

Big Love,
Bailey J 

6 comments:

  1. Until i met my Hubby I was in the same boat (i still sorta am)I HATED my body before I met him. He tells me I am beautiful (even when I don't feel like it) but the hard truth is that even though I have accepted and learned to start loving/not caring so much about my body image. You still have this niggling little thought in the back of your head about how you look and you envision how they see you.... When you find the way to fully love the way you look with out having to change let me know! lol By the way you are a beautiful person on the inside as well as out!

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  2. You are a wonderful, beautiful woman. You are right that it should be about loving yourself and not what a man thinks. I just wanted to comment as I once had a conversation with my husband when I asked him if he thought I was attractive. He gave me a man answer. (I can't speak for your ex Mark but perhaps he thought along this way). My husband said that he wouldn't have had sex with me or be with me if he wasn't attracted to me. He assumed I knew he found me attractive and he is a quiet guy, he's not like a sauve tv character who says the right thing all the time. When I asked him if he thought I was beautiful he said yes, and I said why don't you tell me more. He again said I figured you knew. Again, I don't know Mark, but going with what I learned from my husband, men just assume we know this already. Men are like a different species. They dont think like we do. They assume they told us once or their action should just say it. I know for myself I like reaffirmation about it and I have let it get me down, but once I kinda tried to think what my husband said I felt a bit better. Anyways I hope that helps you see I am sure Mark felt you are beautiful and attractive, men are just cavemen who don't talk about their feelings. Frustrating. But I think helpful to realize its not you or their feelings about you, just they are missing a communication link in their DNA

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  3. It's ironic how smiliar we are in the way we think. I didn't lose my virginity until I was 22, and I've only been with one man, now my husband, also. I use to be 200 lbs (give or take a pound). I worked my but off to lose weight, getting down to 155, but still always found something wrong with me or something I didn't like. I have the same mentality that if I don't like my body, then how can my husband possibly like it.

    I have a pretty jaded view of men, anyways...which isn't a good thing. And if I could give you a small piece of what I've learned so far, it would be this (something I have to remind myself on a daily basis now that I'm 17 weeks pregnant and can no longe fit into any of my regular clothes)....When the right man falls in love with you, it is no longer just about the physical for him that he finds attractive. There are days I look at myself, especially now that I'm not as small as I used to be, and think my husband can't possibly like the way I look. Yet, he still likes to look at me naked and gets mad when I try to hide from him. I don't understand it, and may never understand it, but he does.

    Another thing is... when you find that right person (man or woman), you realize that both of your bodies will eventually change. You will grow older, you may get wrinkles or you both may put on weight, etc... However, you realize you've fallen in love with far more than the person's looks... My husband and I have both put on some weight since we started dating in 2010. I still think he's just as sexy (or sexier) now as he was then.

    Sorry this is so long and maybe a little TMI, but honestly, your right, it comes down to you accepting your own body and flaws. I thought that my husband's acceptance would help me get over my own body issues, but it didn't. I'm just having to learn to accept the fact that for some odd reason he loves the way I look so I might as well too... easier said than done.

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  4. <3 I hear you on alot of this, but deal with it in another unhealthy way. I know I lack a penis, but you are freaking beautiful and your personality and strength is ten times your beauty. Which makes you quite the catch. We live in a very shallow world, and I can't say that I'm not affected by it either, but the standard of beauty and sexy is set at such a ridiculous level by our media/world that it makes most women feel ugly and sad. It's an awful shame because we're all beautiful to someone. You're gorgeous and there is someone out there, but focus on your self love and then magical things will happen...i hope, atleast that's what I'm trying. (or take the advice I got from a 4 year old and just walk up to a guy getting out of a truck and say "you're now my boyfriend" maybe that will charm them :P or terrify them, either way)

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  5. Different men like different things. A guy I know loves small breasts. Another man I know loves plus size women and he's with a woman that is easily 400 pounds. And, trust me- he's not settling- he's happy as a clam. They're an adorable couple. Another guy I know likes dudes. We all have different preferences. Don't you? I always liked dark haired guys with dark complexions because I'm ginger. But, my husband loves my gingerness. Did I ever think.... all the kids make fun of my freckles so how will a guy ever like me and my freckles? You bet. But, when I stopped listening to peers' definitions of beauty, the media's definition of beauty, and I created my own definition of beauty- I started to think more of myself. Your body is not something that someone will settle for- it is what you will share with someone when that person earns your love. And if the person isn't enthusiastic about your body, then they're dumb.

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  6. This is how my man brain works.



    Ok. That's it.

    Hahaha only kidding.

    I have similar insecurities and even now i've lost weight I still have them but this is how I try my hardest to get over them.

    I know deep down that if I truly love someone it's because I want to be with them and share my life with them. I would want to share great moments, memories, good times, bad times, hubba hubba wink wink times...everything!

    I can honestly tell you that my love of my life will be sexy and beautiful because I know that if I love them enough to share my life with them then I will know that I will love everything about them...even the things that might annoy me. I will love those annoying things because it's what makes that person the woman that I love.

    I know that I will love someone like that because I know me best and I also know that if I think like that then it makes me believe/hope that there is someone out there that will also think like me.

    You said "someone someday who will truly know me, love me and want to be with me and also consider me sexy and beautiful is pretty much impossible"

    When I read that, I felt sad because you don't realise just how wrong you are. There is someone out there who will know you, understand you, love you and will find you sexy and beautiful. I know this because my gut feeling is that you are the sort of person who will love someone, connect with them, want to be with them and find sexy and beautiful. You just want it in return.

    Keep your head up, love yourself and constantly tell yourself how wonderful you are because we all know you are and I think deep down you know you're a great person too.

    Hope you've had a great day,

    Tim

    PS - Sorry if it makes no sense at all. I'm a man and I did warn you that's how my man brain works! haha

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