Monday, August 26

I am missing.

I read a blog called Hey,Amber Rae and today she wrote a post called "You Are Missed." If you feel like it go take a look and check out her blog - she is a great writer with a great purpose. In it this post she wrote the following:
""Something feels missing from my life but I can’t quite put my finger on it." 


I can’t tell you how many times I hear some variation of that every week. (It’s a lot.)
I hear it from tech entrepreneurs who are on the verge of burn out. I hear it from writers who are experiencing a temporary block. I hear it from photographers who are making tons of money working with big brands. I hear it from designers who have a full plate of client work. I hear it from friends at Facebook, at Google, and at Apple. 
After listening to unique story after story, and each person attempting to describe what is happening in their life, it dawned on me that what was missing from every single story was very simple.


You are missing from your own story,” I said aloud to my friend the other day. “You’ve lost touch with yourself, and that’s what feels missing.”"

I can't help but feel that way lately. I've always been a bit of a lost soul. Im 22 and I'm still not sure what makes me tick, what I'm good at, where I'm going or what I feel passionate about. Lately I just feel like I have nothing going for me and that's hard. I've totally lost a sense of who I am.. who am I really right now if I'm not the crazy bitch who works 24/7 at a dead end job?

I don't write much on here because I don't have anything to write about. I don't think about much besides work and getting enough sleep to get me through work. I haven't been to the gym or done much for myself in 3 months. I don't really know who I am or what I'm doing right now and that scares me. 

Today I had a very scary thought - am I going to wake up, be 30, and wonder where the fuck my 20's went? I know.. I have 8 years before that can happen but really...where is my life going? People offer me these matter of fact suggestions (which I totally appreciate when it comes from a good place) like "Duh - this is what you should do Bailey" but it's nothing I'm at all interested in. I don't know what Im interested in though.. I want to want something!



I'm just at a weird place in my life right now. I see all these people graduating university, in serious relationships, getting engaged, married and pregnant and I see myself at the restaurant..even in my dreams..I literally serve tables all night. I'm not ashamed of waitressing, I love waitressing, I'm just embarrassed that Im the only person in my life who isn't accomplishing anything. It's exhausting to think about.

For so long I was planning my life around Mark, until this week I was planning my life around Mark and we've been broken up for almost 6 months. I decided this week I was done, that we won't be getting back together, or working on it anytime in the near future. We are just too different and I deserve different than what he has to offer. Though it is a certain type of freedom it also means Im at square one...the "where am I going" square.

I don't know why I'm writing this.. I guess it was just on my heart and needed to get out. I wish someone would be like "hey, you should do this" and I'd be like "you're so right" And then Id do it and it would be fulfilling and wonderful. But nothing is ever that easy.

Big Love,
Bailey 

7 comments:

  1. There's something awesome coming just around the corner. Just keep walking and you'll find it.

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  2. I love you. I think this means the Universe is gearing up to send you some really great, positive things, but you've got to be open to it. First step, is getting rid of the negative thoughts & feelings. Otherwise, you'll just keep getting back negative things. Chin up, baby girl. :-)

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  3. Look back on your life so far.. What is one thing you did or was involved in that really made you happy. The one thing that you were excited to do again the next day. That should point you in the right direction. I remember when you posted pics of your working in the orphanage with the kids. They sure adored you...maybe a social worker career directed toward youths...or something geared to working with kids. Believe in yourself, your headed for great things.

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  4. My 20's sucked. I felt lost, miserable, lonely, confused and sad through most of it. I'm telling you. It can get better. I was so hopeless about my future but things did get better for me. I know you have to work to pay the bills and all that good stuff but one thing that I used to forget about is that life is meant to be lived. I don't consider working, sleeping and paying bills living. I hope that you can find something meaningful in your life to make you happy. It really does go so fast.

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  5. We all get hung up on where we are compared to others I think. Don't stress about it too much. You are right where you are supposed to be, we all have a plan in life.
    Good for you deciding to make a change and go forward.

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  6. Don't worry about being a lost soul at 22. I'm almost 34 and think I may have just finally found my passion/purpose.

    I suggest returning to the gym and focusing on you again. Start with something simple like a new haircut. Who knows, you might even find a better Mark at the gym!

    ReplyDelete

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