Wednesday, September 25

It's All In Your Head [Weigh In Wednesday]

Weigh IN Wednesday
Do you ever have days where you wake up and think "Damn, I look skinny". As someone who is no where even close to skinny, I know it sounds weird for me to have those days but today I had one. I woke up and looked in the mirror and felt so good about the way my body looked. I wanted to capture that feeling for the rest of eternity!

I hopped in the scale and Im still way up there but I didn't let the number get me down because in my head and the way I physically felt.. I felt like I had lost weight. In my head - it was a loss, and Im not letting the number take that away. I'm probably the exact same amount of inches around that I have been all along but who cares.. it's all in my head!

I've been having some bad days but I chose to make this a good day. I'm going to feel good about myself and I'm going to tell myself positives things only - no dwelling on anything negative in my life whether its my body or emotions or boys or money. Fuck that. This is a GOOD day to be alive.

I hope you all woke up feeling fabulous about your bodies! Write about it and link up for Weigh In Wednesday with Ash, Heather and I!

Big Love,

Wednesday, September 18

Dear Future Husband

Dear Future Husband ;

I know you're probably thinking how much of a dork I am for writing this at 22 but if I chose you well, which I'm hoping and thinking I did, then you think it's "so me" and can't help but be charmed by it. If you think it's stupid or you're using the word "gay" to describe it we need a divorce asap. If I stayed true to myself, and married someone who paralleled my values there is no worry there - I'm sure you're a gem.

The first thing that I have to say to you, thinking I know myself pretty decently at this point, is sorry. I have been out of a relationship at this point in my life for about 6 months but I don't forget the way I acted. I am a basket case and I know that I can be overbearing, jealous, insecure and at certain times of the month, downright psychotic, but I hope that you found reasons to love me through it because I like to think I'm worth it. I am these things because I am human and, as weird as it may seem, because I care and because I HAVE been burned before.

I hope you haven't burned me but if you have, and I married you, then you must be quite something. When you read this, remind me that I am a forgiving person and if you have hurt me, and I still chose to marry you, that I have to let it go. Life is too short to hold on to those feelings and they will hurt me more than they hurt you.

My biggest question to you is this : ARE YOU FUCKING INSANE? married me?! I assume you're pretty awesome but I don't get it but thanks just the same - I needed a break. At this point in my life, like I said 22, I have no idea how I am going to get a guy to notice me let alone convince him to talk to me, take me on a date or consider making me his girlfriend. Then I have all these bitches around me getting married and I'm like GIVE ME YOUR MAGICAL POWERS, because I do not get how I am suppose to make this happen.

I don't know if I know you yet and I don't know how we will meet or how anything will go down but that's exciting to me. Maybe I'll meet you tomorrow, maybe we met 10 years ago, maybe it's really really far down the road.. I don't know.. but I can't help but be a little excited. Something you should know about me by now is I believe in love so much.. so  so so much and I want it for myself and everyone I know. If when we meet, or when we marry, I have lost any of that sparkle and that belief in love I hope that you give it back to me.

One more thing I want to mention : I'm really sorry if my cooking still sucks. Bare with me.. I promise I'll get the whole wife thing down, it'll take some practice. I'm sorry for the slumps when I only wear lulu lemons and sports bras and the nights when I cry for no reason and when Im not feelin the whole sex thang. I promise to try to be the best most awesome wife ever when Im done those funks and I hope you are trying your best too. I hope we love and respect each other enough to always be working at it cause marriage is a BIG ass deal.

The biggest thing I need to tell you is to not give up on me. I'm not perfect but I hope you see exactly who I am and choose to love that person even though I'm a bit strange. Even though I have a hard time believing it, I think I'm worth it, or at least Im working at eventually being worth it. Like I said earlier..bare with me.

Big love to you future husband,
Your wifey poo.

PS. If you're having trouble with me in between the sheets wink wink.. always remember to warm me up! I really like making out, even at 60 years old, which is probably the age we got married at. You're welcome. :) 

Werkin On My Fitness [Weigh In Wednesday Link Up]

Weigh IN Wednesday
I am about to TMI the shit out of you guys but I just have to get this out there - I am SO fucking happy to finally have my period. I know that's peculiar, most of us heavily complain about our periods including myself.. but I have never been more full of joy than I was today for the troublemaker to arrive.

The past few days have been exhausting because of my hormones. I'm all over the place, I'm a psycho, I'm giving myself whiplash. I went from being a Diva who didn't need no man to being the girl who sees a catfood commercial and cries. WHAT THE FUCK? This madness needs to end.

Although getting my period over with will help.. I have realized there is something I REALLY need to do - get back into exercise. Exercise makes me so much happier and it makes my hormones and psychopathic emotions so much easier to handle. I know it's the answer but I have a hard time following through.

So I am making a commitment to start putting in a more honest effort when it comes to hitting the gym or even walking a little walksi. This is not just to look better but to feel better because the emotional benefits to exercise, at least for me, are impressively awesome. I do suck sometimes though so if you guys ever want to tweet me, or message me or telepathically remind me to get out there and hit the gym - I would love that. I won't take it offensively, I will take it as you love me and care about me and my well being. So thanks in advance!

What are you guys working on this week?

I was up today because of previously mentioned time of month! No biggie :)

Big Love and Don't Forget to link the heck up!

Monday, September 16

The First Time I Caught A Fish

I really could go into the first time I caught a fish - I think I still have a picture of it somewhere. I went fishing off the North Head Wharf and caught a big ole' something rather that I was pretty proud of and pretty annoyed wasn't edible. Typical Bailey. But this post isn't about fishing for fish.. its about fishing for humans. Yikes.

I've mentioned on here -and I'm pretty open about it in my real life-that I have a Plenty Of Fish account. For those of you who are lucky enough to be in happy organic relationships and have no idea what POF is - it's an online dating site for those of us who aren't having much luck in the real world or those of (not me) us who want to find sex or cheat on their significant others in secrecy. Not so cool.

It has been 6 months since I broke up with Mark and I decided that I was ready to try and meet someone. I had been sort of seeing someone off and on (which I will probably continue to do) but I knew he didn't want a relationship and I knew I did. I'm a relationship kind of girl, I can't help it. I felt ready to start really moving on from Mark so I took to the streams of POF as I knew I wasn't going to meet anyone on Grand Manan.

I started without pictures - I know Im not the most sexy girl in the world but I kind of figured I'd get less weird messages if  I had no picture. After countless weird messages pictureless, I realized that men are visual and I wasn't going to get any messages from decent guys without a picture so I might as well put up with a few more weirdos and hope for the best.

Out of the couple hundred who have messaged me in the past month I've had good conversation with about 5 and have been interested in 3. One of them I had seen on there but thought he was too hot for me to message, so I didn't. A couple of days later, he messaged me, and my first instinct was that it was a joke - leave it to me. I ended up being being at work when he was messaging me and forgot to reply for a couple of days. When I remembered, I was grateful, because we got along really well.

Fast forward to this weekend - phone calls, a couple skype sessions and lots of texts later, we ended up meeting. He was even cuter in person, and almost 100% how I imagined him which is always a good thing. We are pretty different but there is something about him - I definitely have a thing for him and that is where things go downhill.

After meeting him I decided to delete my POF. He didn't seem not interested, but I don't think he likes me and I feel like I'm just going to face the same thing every time I meet a guy. I feel like they will either only want sex, or they wont' be interested in me and I will be in them and I will just keep getting my hopes up and then feeling sad.

I know how this might sound to people - that I'm just giving up which I guess in a way I am. The thing is, I've spent a lot of the last year feeling sad and letting someone I love dictate the way I feel in general and the way I feel about myself. I'm tired of wasting my time being sad over people. I'm not saying this new guy did anything wrong, he is great.. but I don't want to meet a bunch of great guys so I can come home and feel sad that I'm alone. I just feel like I'm setting myself up.

Over all, I'm really happy I met this guy. He's way outta my league so you can't beat it. I can say I tried something new and I honestly would totally recommend trying POF to anyone out there looking for someone and not quite sure how to go about it. It totally works for people ALL the time. Give it a chance and don't worry about what your friends or anyone will say - just worry about finding someone compatible for you!

Have you ever tried an online dating site? Please tell me funny stories!! I have a mini funny story before I sign off. While at the bar this weekend I saw a guy I had been talking to on POF. Lets just say I'm glad I planned to meet the guy I did instead of this other guy aha. Too much.

Big Love,

Monday, September 9

diva confidence at every size.

Four months ago I got together with my best friend Maddy to do a photoshoot. I had recently had a total epiphany that went something like this : 1)I have to learn to love my body, or at least accept it, to be happy. 2)I need to do this at ANY weight, size, shape, height.. it doesn't matter. If I can't love myself at 300lbs, then I probably can't get it right at 125lbs because I will always find something to pick at when it comes to my body.

After this epiphany, which Im pretty sure I wrote about on here, I decided to just start focusing on loving the skin Im in, at whatever weight I happen to be at any given time. I went out, bought myself cute clothes in the current size I was. If I lost weight- great, id buy new clothes-but for the time being I was going to buy clothes that fit me and that I felt great in.

So this photo shoot was with my then new clothes and my new attitude. I had planned to give readers options for the styles I was wearing in straight and plus sizes and just touch on what inspired the photoshoot. Then things got crazy, and four months later I'm just getting the chance to upload all the pictures to my computer and write this post.

I am definitely going to share some of the pictures as promised - the photoshoot wasn't for nothing. All the clothes I bought are now out of stock so the links aren't going to happen but I just wanted to touch on the subject.

I think it was a good time for me to do this as I have lost a bit of my spark - I started getting down on mysef, worrying about my body and lost that bit of confidence I had found in just CHOOSING to feel better about myself. Recently I started talking to a guy from PlentyOfFish cause apparently that's my new hobby and the thought of meeting him was shaking me. Would I be able to meet someone at this weight? What if he ran off screaming? So I think it was good to reconnect with this epiphany and remember that I should love me and respect me and think Im a bombshell before I expect other people to.

So here are some of the shots from the shoot. Hope you like them and hope you don't get awkward over them hahah. Thanks so much to Maddy for helping me with this project and lending her amazing talents to me and my blog - you da best.

Big Love,

aaannnnnd because it wouldn't be a photoshoot without a blooper or two (believe me ..there were more funny ones than good ones in this batch. she snapped over 100 shots that day aha)

needed a snack?
 pretty sure im making a dove with my hands.......
 no excuse..
 almost a decent shot.. lol

Wednesday, September 4

Again and Again and Again [Weigh In Wednesday]

Weigh IN Wednesday
Again and again and again..that's how I feel about my weight loss journey. I lose weight, and then I gain weight and then I try again and it's back and forth and back and forth. I just want to make some permanent progress and actually be a healthy, fit person. Sometimes I feel like I'll spend my whole life in the in between.

Right now I'm up to 230.8 which fucking blows asshole, excuse my language, but it does. I'm over 20lbs up from my lowest weight and I was steady at 224 basically all summer but now I guess I decided to lose control and just work my way back to my highest weight (here I come 251!). WHAT THE FUCK?! It's so disappointing sometimes.

The other day I made some goals and I am sticking to them. I haven't drank any soda, I went for a walk after work last night and I'm putting in a legit effort to eat better. That's just one day though.. I know I have to do that every day for the rest of my life (and if experience has shown me anything it's that doing that every day doesn't even necessarily make you lose weight. what gives?)

I know.. I'm in a foul mood. I've been in a foul mood for a few days and I don't know what's wrong. I'm hoping that getting back into exercise will make me feel a bit better. I just feel like shit all the time if I eat like shit, I'm disappointed in myself for all the weight I've gained and as I've talked about in previous posts I'm feeling sort of lost in general with my life. Give me some time.. I'll figure it out.

I'm hoping everyone else is doing a bit better than I am. If you aren't.. we're in this together.. for real.

Link up with us this week and tell me what's going on and INSPIRE me - it's totally what I need. I promise to be in a better mood next week!

Big Love,

Monday, September 2

Failure To Plan Is A Plan For Failure

I need to do something about myself. The eating is outta control, the laziness is out of control and my emotions are all wild because I never exercise. Shits gettin' cray. I thought if I maybe wrote down a few small goals for this coming week that I could start there and see if I can inspire myself a little, you know, ignite the fire within. Also, I joined my friend MC's online Fitness Challenge. I've wrote about it a few times on here-pay 15$ and whoever loses the most weight wins money. Pretty sick and I should mention the awesome ladies you compete with are a wonderful support system. I just thought maybe it would get my butt in gear.. we'll see. If you're interested in joining, comment and I'll get back to you with more info.

My goals for this week are as follows :
Give Up Soda and attempt to drink way more water than I have been.
Go for a walk after work Tues Night I would do Wed but Big Brother will be on and I know myself well enough to know if I dont have time before Big Brother, I wont go. Im just being honest. If there is time, I'll do it up!
Hit the Gym Thurs+Friday I have those days off so I'll have lots of time to get in a proper work out.
Make smarter decisions. I genuinely just need to eat better. Im not going to start cutting shit out and making myself crazy.. I just need to be mindful and do things in moderation. It would be a helluva step up.

Pretty simple, pretty basic. I'm going to attempt to log my food with WW but I start to every single day and never finish. I have no idea what's wrong with me. I actually feel really upset at myself about it and it makes me sad so I'm going to stop talking about it now lol

Things are about to change around here. Work will be slow, many of my friends will leave the island and hopefully things will shift and be more convenient for working out and getting my focus back. That being said, work will probably be too slow so if anyone knows of any part time work I can pick up - get at me lol.

Thats all for now. Happy Labor Day Weekend!
Big Love,

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