Thursday, October 31

crushes & rejection

I was watching a video on youtube the other day relating to crushes, and what it's like to have a crush who doesn't like you and about dealing with it. This instantly took me back and I began thinking about the multiple crushes I had through middle and high school and I ended up just laughing at myself to myself because I was such a wreck when it came to boys.

Here's the thing about me : I literally attracted zero male attention until long after high school. Mark was my very first boyfriend and I only ever even kissed one boy before I graduated. This was not necessarily the way I wanted it to be it was just the way it was. Believe me - I had crushes, heaps of em. Remember the days of lmultiple crushes and declaring it on your MSN messenger? That was totally me. 

I was always madly in love with someone deep down. I actually recently waited on a guy who I was totally obsessed with for years and I had to laugh to myself over it. Had 16 year old me been in this position she would've just passed the fuck out. I can't even explain how like weirdly "in love" with him I was but it went on for ages. When I started drinking and going to parties it just got worse because I got way too brave and got harshly turned down every time. Even after I graduated if I ran into him my heart would stop. Did I actually love this guy? Of course not, I barely knew him, but I had the worlds HUGEST crush on him and when I was 16 I thought the world was ending if he wouldn't give me the time of day. 


high school theme song anyone?

And the time of day he seriously would not give me. The truth, that I should have faced then, was that he was never going to think I was good enough for him and that was totally okay. When you're young you feel like these crushes are this ginormous deal but in the long run you're not even at all who you will be in even a year, you shouldnt even date in high school and you're just totally not suppose to be with this person. There is also a large possibility that they are not that cool anyway. I had and still have nothing in common with any of the crushes I had in high school and them ignoring me was probably better for everyone in the long run. 

Recently I had my first crush in a long time. I met him online and instantly clicked with him and I actually deep inside my silly head thought I might find a boyfriend in this guy. He, dishonestly, said he felt the same and I fell right into the trap. We met in real life, I liked him and then soon after we met, he stopped talking to me completely. Rejected. 

I was crushed and I started feeling like I really liked this guy and he didnt want me and it was the saddest thing in the world. Then I had an epiphany. It didn't take me long to realize that this guy was just a douchebag and what I was feeling was not heart break but rejection - and though it fucking hurt, it was a sweet realization.

In realizing this I was able to move the fuck on. I met him, I liked him, he shut me down. Life goes on, and it went on, and now it's on and it's whatever. Am I totally over it? Nah, the rejection still stings and he's pretty cute so it sucks. But he wasn't that compatible with me, he's kind of an ass I have met a lot of really nice guys lately that make me feel like I need to not care. For example the smoking hot guy in San Diego I met - if guys as hot, nice and interesting as he was can show interest in me, do I have any LEGIT reasons to give a shit about a guy who was a dbag? No....I dont....not really! 

So now I'm prepared for my next failed crush. If it doesn't work out - que sera. As my cousin/personal comedian Rachel says "What is meant to be, be's" and sometimes you just have to trust in that. Trust that things are happening the way that they are suppose to and find yourself a new crush. :)

Big Love,
Bailey


5 comments:

  1. granted i am old enough to be your mom -- but i love reading about you coming into your own and empowering yourself -- its a powerful thing my friend and something best learned early on in life! go have fun with your friends, dance, party and travel -- boys will always be there. even when you're an old fart like me -- they are still there (and don't change much lol)!

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  2. Hunny I had tons of crushes in Middle School, High School and out there in the real world...most of them if they did notice me only wanted one thing...,they weren't worth that! So I went on and as you know I have been married to my best friend for over 28 yrs. I didn't have a crush on him...plan and matter to fact I didn't even like him at first...lol...then he just grew on me! You don't have to crush on someone to find the love of your life...Good luck with your search for the ONE...I hope you find the one that treats you like a queen and never ever breaks your heart!

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  3. I went to a boys school and didn't even have any girl crushes until I went to college (high school) where girls were allowed. Even then I was in a class with all boys! FML haha

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  4. Love this blog.When I read Rachel`s quote ,I literally laughed out loud.You will kiss many toads before you find your prince.Don`t sell yourself short....xo Debs

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  5. Rejection happens to every age group, we all want to be accepted, sometimes we are not :( You know I love you! and your blog :)

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