Monday, November 25

Startin' From The Bottom

I'm feeling hella philosophical today - all kinds of wise thoughts floating through my head right now, it's ridiculous. Bare with me.

The past two months have been huge for me. I've had many eye openers, learning experiences and general personal growth in the past few months even though it may seem like I have absolutely nothing figured out. The event that got the ball rolling was going to California. Yes, this has to do with Mark but going to California also let me step away from my life and work situation and analyze it with a clear mind and a new perspective.

I went to California hoping for an awesome time with Ashley and closure with Mark. I found both of these things but came home with so much more. I finally felt like I was standing up to someone who had been abusive to me and although it sounds a little crazy coming out of my mouth - I felt powerful again and I felt I had regained my voice and I wasn't afraid to feel anything or say anything anymore because I wasn't scared of losing anything or anyone anymore. This experience was huge for me and verbalizing so many of the things that I had felt over the past year with him was therapeutic and awesome.

The realization of the power I had over my own life and the power I had over the shitty situations in my life is a large part of removing myself from other abusive situations and people and also a part of quitting my job. Another personal relationship of mine recently ended and although it's sad and I'm hurt, I also know that this relationship was soon to start taking a negative toll on me and was not going anywhere healthy. I am sad for my loss but have found solace in knowing it's most likely for the best.

Although it may seem to people that my life is askew (and you'd be totally right ), for me it feels like my life is coming together in a way. Personal growth is as good as any other kind, whether it's financial or professional or what have you, and I feel as though by things falling apart, they are coming together. I have found so much clarity lately and it feels great. No - I don't have a full time job now, No I'm not in a relationship but sometimes not having those things is better than having those things and them negatively affecting your life.

So I'm startin' from the bottom again but it's exciting and not knowing what's next is half the fun. It's important for me to keep myself surrounded by people who make my life better and I'm beyond blessed to have so many of those people. Life may not be perfect but it's pretty damn good.

Big Love,

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