Monday, December 30

Smell you later, 2013.

2013... where do I start? I honestly have no idea. Sometimes I feel good about this year but most times I feel, well...bad. I looked back at my goals from last years nye blog and though I worked on some, I really failed at getting anywhere with my life this year. One thing I can say for sure is that I learned so much about myself, people and life in general this year and grew in a lot of unexpected ways.

This was the year of ultimate fails when it came to men. As opposed to other years where nothing was happening at all, this year I just made some poor decisions when it came to trusting certain people. I started 2013 with hope for transforming my relationship with Mark and for us becoming some sort of unrealistic super relationship dream team. I moved back to California with high hopes but it turned into the mess it was always destined to be and moving home was the best decision but so hard and took so much outta me. Unfortunately it left me with so much baggage, a broken heart and I was more insecure than I'd ever been. It was a long haul until the spring.

I have spent this year gaining weight and teetering between feeling like a strong, independent woman and feeling like no one will ever love me - like I just simply do not deserve a healthy relationship free of emotional abuse and fidelity. The ladder has been the more powerful and consistent feeling and resonates through out other relationships I tried to forge and the men I saught to have them with. There was the guy who said he liked me then ignored me;the guy who "didnt want a gf", who I was sure would choose me if he changed his mind, only to go see him and him tell me had a gf;the guy who I desperately wanted to be good enough for who.. of course had a girlfriend and the guy who chased and chased and chased me, kissed me, then told me he had a girlfriend. Sick recruits, Bail!

I was consistently the other girl (not necessarily sex - it was sometimes very innocent) without really knowing it for the last quarter of 2013. This was absolutely awful and made me never want to even speak to another man ever again. I was left feeling guilty and wondering when I was ever going to be good enough to be chosen to actually be the girlfriend. If these guys could talk to me all the time, get along with me so well, kiss me, etc why couldn't they date me? It was totally awful on my confidence and my psyche. Exhaustion!

I've been pondering (and by pondering I mean eating and crying alot) over all of this and have decided that in 2014 I'm giving up men (sure hope you guys didnt think I was just going to bitch and then not resolve anything.) When I announced that I was giving up men for my NY resolution my friend Bre asked "For women!?". No, not quite. I'm not saying that if an amazing guy came along I would be like 'Fuck off' but I am not longer going to seek men to date or love or hook up with. I'm not sure if I can do it but I'd like to try to just stop worrying about would save me a lot of grief.

This may sound selfish (and cliche and stupid) but I wanna "do me" this year. I want to try to be a more awesome Bailey J and work on my health and my soul and try to find out who I am and who I want to be instead of waiting for a guy to build my life around. Honestly, I'd love to find my soul mate and just work my life around him but that's easy and stupid - I dont want to be that girl. It's the hardest thing ever trying to figure out what my purpose is but if I can then I could end up happy and attracting the kind of guy I'd like to attract.

I'm moving my ass to Saint John tomorrow and going to focus on my health, finding a job and growing up a bit. I have high hopes for 2014 - it's an even number and I'm gonna kill this shit. 2013 was rough and intense but there were some great moments, not gonna lie - I had way too much fun.  Either way, I'm ready for some new adventures, struggles, growth and allllll that jazz!

And here's a little highlight reel for 2013... note that all my fun moments were parties ha.

Move to Sacramento!

Rach and Cass's bday celebz!

Surprise party for me!! Thx Ash!! <3 p="">

My first shot of patron!

Lots of Tequila with my future roomie! Ever single time. 

Boat tour with Maddy and Di

San Diego w/ Ash
Christmas with my family! 

Crazy but awesome year - there were some really great moments. It was a year of being so thankful for friends and family and all their awesome support - couldn't do it without you guys! 

Big Love and HAPPY NEW YEAR!! xo
Bailey J 

Wednesday, December 25

Christmas 2013

WOW. What a crazy weekend I had. If you follow my personal facebook page you're aware of the craziness that ensued as my parents and I tried to get to Ottawa in the craziest ice storm in years. If not, I'll give you a little update.

Saturday we packed up and headed to Saint John for the night as we planned to fly out in the AM. Before we went to bed Saturday night, we got a call and found out our flight was cancelled - sweet. They had rebooked us on a different flight the following Tuesday (WTF?!) with a delay that didn't put us in Ottawa until Christmas Day. We weren't having that so we rebooked on a flight that left the next AM at 6 and went to bed.

When I woke up, I checked the flight status. We knew things could easily be delayed and cancelled so I was a bit hyper active about it. I noticed our flight wasn't even on the list for departures at YSJ and panicked. We ignored it and headed to the airport and found out there was a big delay once we made it there. Because of the weather that was slowly becoming insane, my parents didn't want to get back on the highway so we settled in at the airport for our 6 hour delay. I was sleep deprived and unimpressed.

By noon our flight had been delayed again until 2. At this point we started to realize these people were just keeping us pleased - this flight wasn't taking off and it wasn't looking like any of the other flights departing from Saint John were either. We rebooked for Monday morning at 11 and went to my aunts house for some non airport bench sleep.

When we tried again Monday morning you can guess what happened - delayed, delayed and no promise of leaving the airport. At this point I was 2 seconds away from a melt down and we were stuck between desperate to get to Ottawa with our family and ready to go the hell home. We had one last option - chance the icy roads and head to Moncton in hope that a flight to Ottawa would leave there that afternoon. We decided to yolo it and hit the road.

Luckily for us it wasn't AWFUL and we made it to Moncton safe and sound. Moncton is a much bigger airport than Saint John and since flights were leaving things were popping there. I decided that if our flight didn't go I was hopping on the plane that was headed to Jamaica - fuck it. Luckily, even though we were delayed, we actually boarded a plane after two days of waiting and though it wasn't on time, the plane took off and that's what matters.

These faces made it all seem worth it! We're in Ottawa and Christmas was awesome and chaotic and exactly how it should be. I spent Christmas Eve hanging out, eating dinner with my family and doing last minute wrapping. Christmas was awesome - I was spoiled as usual and the kids were so much fun. I received so many nice gifts from my friends and family and I'm feeling so happy and fortunate! Christmas was a  definite success. 

I received the naked palette I wanted from my amazing cousin, Rachel. You should've seen me when I receieved it - lost my shit. I also received the boots I mentioned in my wish list post and I loooove them. My mama totally surprised me and got me not one, but TWO new pairs of Toms (in black and red). I was shocked and it was the perfect surprise. I love toms. I got lots of awesome beauty products, some faves and some new ones to try and a gorgeous necklace and ring that I love. 

Stocking - my favorite!

Best part of our holiday? 

It will be hard to leave these guys on Friday but I'm looking forward to NYE with my friends and seeing Tam who gets home from BC tomorrow!! Hope you all had a very merry christmas/happy holiday!

big love,
Bailey J 

Friday, December 20

Wish List 2013

Because I have been so back and forth about my plans for 2014 I wasn't really sure what I wanted for I literally could think of nothing reasonable. I like practical - I don't want things I can't/won't use so I wanted to have things for travel if I decided to do so or things for moving to the city if that is what I chose (I'll touch more on what I chose in a post after Christmas). Unfortunately for anyone who wants to shop for me I'm frustratingly last minute so I didn't know of anything I really wanted until recently. The following are my Top 5 things I would love to receive. 

This is my favorite Naked Palette yet - gorgeous colors. Ever since I saw it I was like - I need it. I'm not a huge eye shadow person but these are generally the shades I lean towards when I get all buck wild in the make up department. Want want want. 
I'm SO picky about boots but I'm so in love with these Wine Colored boots from Forever 21. Now if I can just find a black pair I love (these look cheap in black - no me gusta) I'd be set! 

3. Winter Tires
Yep - I'm officially the lamest 22 year old ever. I find the idea of nice tires on white lightning quite thrilling as I don't wish to lose control. Ever since I almost had an accident last winter I'm totally nervous on the road now which I never was.. I'm getting way too paranoid. Anyways - Im leaving my car at the shop while I'm away on Christmas Vacation and when I get back there's going to be winter tires on that puppy and Mom is paying for half so - Merry Christmas to me - thanks Ma!! 

Snow tires and make up... what a woman! I think these are so awesome for storing make up - so organized and lovely. This one is sort of giant but I LOVE it and would love to buy even more make up to fill this baby up. I definitely don't need one that is so extravagant but I'd like one anyway. 

5. Gift Cards
I am not someone who thinks Gift Cards are thoughtless and lame - I LOVE me some gift card action. You can get me a gift card to pretty much anywhere and I will appreciate it and most certainly find a way to spend it. I find giving money a bit lame for some reason - gift cards means I'm sure to go buy something not just pay off my visa (LAME!). Gift cards fo' life. 

What is at the top of your wishlist this year? 

Big Christmas Love,
Bailey J 

Wednesday, December 18

She Is Christmas.

This year I won't be spending Christmas at home. My parents and I will fly to Ottawa on the 22nd to spend Christmas with my brother, his wife and their four children. This is awesome and I'm very excited to see everyone and make some Christmas memories. I'd be a big fat liar if I said I wasn't bummed when I found out though. Here's why.

Christmas to me is all about being home with my friends and family. I love my house at Christmas - the tree, the decorations, the old countdown that is falling apart at the seams, the cards, the treats, the movies and the candles in the windows. They bring me serious joy - December has always been my favorite month. Then there is Christmas Brunch - the event of the year for me and Rachel who I have spent 97% of my Christmas mornings with. I find the thought of not spending Christmas with her very sad.

Rach and I in our Sunday best ready for some brunch with our pepsi.

I love the hustle and bustle and excitement of the 23rd and 24th. I love last minute shopping. I love seeing everyone who is back on the island for Christmas. I love it all and I will miss it but the truth is that I need to grow up. We still have a tree, we still have decorations and Christmas with my family will be amazing even though being in Ontario isn't what I'm used to. I'll still see my friends and last minute shopping is inevitable in every province.

The extra truth of it, that I have realized just recently, is that Christmas will be Christmas as long as I spend it with my mom. My mom makes Christmas. She is behind the treats, the decorations, the advent calendar and all the love I have for Christmas. I inherited her excitement (or anxiety as it may be) about Christmas and though I feel sorry for her, there is something I love about the fact that the whole month before Christmas she is up earlier than most humans because she can't sleep.

My mother has made Christmas special for me every single year. She is the reason Christmas is a happy time of year for me and as long as I'm with my mom, Christmas will always be wonderful. When I finally grow up and someone decides to marry me and I spend my first Christmas away from her - I will cry. But until then, I will enjoy Christmas wherever I am as long as it's with her because she is Christmas to me.

I love you, mom - thank you for making this the best time of year. There is no one like you.

Big Love,
Bailey J 

Friday, December 13

Things That Make Me Poop My Pants

If you have ever considered dating me or at least kissing me please do not read this.
Also.. call me. :)

Okay, I don't ever actually poop my pants when im sober but I recently started thinking about all the things that make me nervous and anxious to the point where I could shit myself (with good reason, I promise it didn't just pop into my head). First of all - is that an issue? I get so worked up sometimes that I get the nerve shits over things and I'm just now considering that that might not be okay. Anyways, not my point.

Right now I'm in major transition mode. I'm planning to move to the big stinky city, find a new job, have a new place and start a kind of new life. This scares the actual shit out of me and if I dwell on it my stomach rumbles. My awesome cousin is kindly trying to set me up with an interview at her place of work and although it excites me, I have been doing major stressing about starting a new job. I was very comfortable at my previous job and though at times I was the only waitress with a full house, I felt in control because I knew the job so well. I'm nervous but I'm excited and I think it's important to push myself to do things that scare me.

After thinking about this I compiled a small list of other examples in life that make me poop my pants a little. Here goes nothin'.

Driving somewhere new. My legs go numb and my stomach drops.
Driving Uptown Sj. Specifically, this area makes me so nervous. I almost come close to killing someone every time.
When someone yells at me. I'm a passive aggressive baby who avoids confrontation. I WILL cry. And then shit my pants. Just kidding. Kinda.
Meeting A Fish. Unless I'm 10 drinks deep I spend the first few minutes clenching. No more of that though - read this to check out why.
Ordering food from a man. This one is fucked but I'm honest with you all. I will almost always avoid ordering from a place in a mall or a restaurant if the employee is a dude. Im guessing it stems from my insecurities, weight issues and total bad luck with guys. I have starved myself in an airport before because it was all dudes and I'd feel sick every time I went to order. I'm totally wild - I know.
Singing in Public. This is a fairly common one. When I used to sing in public often be on the verge of neerve shits all day and I would get crazy nervous until I was on the stage. Once I was up there I was totally fine.
Hanging out with a guy I like. I've clearly got a story for this one. One night I drove from Sj to Freddy to see a guy I really liked after eating 10lbs of chinese and poutine. Not only was I nervous to see him but eventually I started getting nervous that my nerves combined with the Linn Chau would make me shit myself at his house or at least some other disgusting bodily function would take place around him. We were definitely NOT in a fart around each other stage so I was freaking the fuck out. Luckily, he was kinda awesome and once I was there I wasn't nervous... coulda been bad.

& last but not least Guatemalan McDonalds. Every time..and not because I'm nervous.

What makes you nervous and anxious? I hope you don't poop your pants but its okay if you do.

Big Love,
Bailey J

Monday, December 9

Why I Deleted My POF Profile

I created my Plenty Of Fish account in August of this year with hopes of possibly having my first date, getting to know some guys and maybe ending up in a relationship. The options on Grand Manan are none for me but the stigma surrounding online dating had always kept me from trying. After flying across the continent to meet the then love of my life whom I accidentally met on the internet, I decided I had a POF profile beat already and I may as well give er a go. If anyone was going to judge me they already had when I met Mark so I thought fuck it, judge away.

I took you all along for the ride and with the crazy messages and crazy boys that I have shared with you, I have shared my experiences meeting 2 of the 3 men of I have met from POF (the 3rd I just met this weekend so I'll get to that). One ended up being sexy but a bit of an asshole and one was nice, but is leaving NB . I'm not about to get myself into another extremely long distance relationship - no thank you. The 3rd guy, who I ended up sort of running into at the bar this weekend shocked me. Before we met I thought he was a bit weird and at times he annoyed the hell out of me but I ended up having a lot of fun with him Saturday night. Him and I won't develop into anything though so.. im 0 for 3.

Of the hundreds (I say this honestly, not boastfully - every girl gets hundreds of messages on POF) of messages I've received, I've had genuine chemistry with only 2 who have proved to be genuinely decent guys. One, I have met, and like I said is leaving the province unfortunately. The other guy is miles out of my league and I'm way too nervous to meet him. This leaves me, after hundreds of messages, still single, still having never been on a real date and still wondering what the hell I'm doing wrong.

Although POF has been good on the self esteem some days, it also doesn't get much accomplished and brings up the same depressing questions I had about why I'm perpetually single before the online dating scene. So really, POF isn't getting me anywhere. In the end, 99.9% of the men on there are looking for a piece of ass which isn't what I'm about. I end up falling for guys who don't actually want relationships, even though they might convince me they do, and it doesn't add up to much for me.

So I deleted my account or hid my profile or whatever it is you do and I'm back to just accepting being single forever now. I will miss being told I'm pretty by complete strangers, and I will miss the hilarious and entertaining messages but I won't miss how exhausting it is to try and find someone decent in a sea of non decency and I won't miss being asked about my shaving habits, if I like anal or if I'm interested in a threesome. POF just is not the place for finding a healthy relationship or avoiding questions about anal - lesson learned.

I guess I'll just end this by asking you to all hook me up with your weirdo single relatives and friends and hope for the best.

Big Love,

PS. This article... lawl.

Sunday, December 1

An Interesting 24 Hours

The last 24 hours of my life is comprised of a lot of regular day to day events because typically my life is pretty lame. For some reason I got lucky and have had 3 not so common events (none of which are the death of Paul Walker) take place in the last 24 hours. I'll start with last night.

1) I celebrated a mans 100th birthday! ONE HUNDRED YEARS, he has been alive! This in itself is amazing but this mans vitality is the real wonder. He still lives on his own, drives, makes homemade boats and sleds, goes clamming and so many other things that a lot of people my age don't do. He is an amazing man and I was honored to be able to be a part of his surprise birthday party.I was the most epic birthday party I have ever attended and I would be surprised if anything ever tops it!

Imagine 600+ people who know and love you singing you Happy Birthday on your 100th birthday! Amazing! That's a life to be proud of.

2) I went out for nachos and beers with my friends and ended up at the hospital. It was nothing serious but not my typical Saturday night. I was sitting down, hanging out with all of a sudden I got hit with severe chest pain and it wouldn't go away. After about 15 minutes and no relief my friends took me to the hospital (I know - Im such a buzzkill) - mostly because it was scaring the shit out of me. By the time I got there I was feeling better just shaken up. They figure it was either stress or reflux. 

It all started with a couple of Alabama Slammers lol 

The funniest part of the night was the doctor asking if he could feel my stomach and him trying to get under my many layers - 2 layers of dress, slip, tights and spanx - good work Doc! He then decided that my bladder was tender and made me pee in a cup. As I mentioned I had been drinking before this so me trying to pee in a cup with a buzz-on was quite a show. He notified me that I have perfect urine (I'm taking it as a compliment) and I was sent home. What a night. 

3) I got a shout out on a french radio station this afternoon. This is both interesting and hilarious to me because I don't speak french.. like I really don't speak french. I met a guy on POF who has a french radio station and I said I'd listen but I wouldn't understand. He was nice enough to give me a shout out or 2 though which was very sweet and a bit funny to me. It's not everyday a total stranger gives you a shout out on a radio station you don't even understand. Merci beaucoup ;)

Never a dull moment, people, never.

What is something out of the ordinary that happened to you in the past 24 hours? Or ever? 

Big Love,

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