Monday, December 30

Smell you later, 2013.

2013... where do I start? I honestly have no idea. Sometimes I feel good about this year but most times I feel, well...bad. I looked back at my goals from last years nye blog and though I worked on some, I really failed at getting anywhere with my life this year. One thing I can say for sure is that I learned so much about myself, people and life in general this year and grew in a lot of unexpected ways.

This was the year of ultimate fails when it came to men. As opposed to other years where nothing was happening at all, this year I just made some poor decisions when it came to trusting certain people. I started 2013 with hope for transforming my relationship with Mark and for us becoming some sort of unrealistic super relationship dream team. I moved back to California with high hopes but it turned into the mess it was always destined to be and moving home was the best decision but so hard and took so much outta me. Unfortunately it left me with so much baggage, a broken heart and I was more insecure than I'd ever been. It was a long haul until the spring.

I have spent this year gaining weight and teetering between feeling like a strong, independent woman and feeling like no one will ever love me - like I just simply do not deserve a healthy relationship free of emotional abuse and fidelity. The ladder has been the more powerful and consistent feeling and resonates through out other relationships I tried to forge and the men I saught to have them with. There was the guy who said he liked me then ignored me;the guy who "didnt want a gf", who I was sure would choose me if he changed his mind, only to go see him and him tell me had a gf;the guy who I desperately wanted to be good enough for who.. of course had a girlfriend and the guy who chased and chased and chased me, kissed me, then told me he had a girlfriend. Sick recruits, Bail!

I was consistently the other girl (not necessarily sex - it was sometimes very innocent) without really knowing it for the last quarter of 2013. This was absolutely awful and made me never want to even speak to another man ever again. I was left feeling guilty and wondering when I was ever going to be good enough to be chosen to actually be the girlfriend. If these guys could talk to me all the time, get along with me so well, kiss me, etc why couldn't they date me? It was totally awful on my confidence and my psyche. Exhaustion!

I've been pondering (and by pondering I mean eating and crying alot) over all of this and have decided that in 2014 I'm giving up men (sure hope you guys didnt think I was just going to bitch and then not resolve anything.) When I announced that I was giving up men for my NY resolution my friend Bre asked "For women!?". No, not quite. I'm not saying that if an amazing guy came along I would be like 'Fuck off' but I am not longer going to seek men to date or love or hook up with. I'm not sure if I can do it but I'd like to try to just stop worrying about it..it would save me a lot of grief.

This may sound selfish (and cliche and stupid) but I wanna "do me" this year. I want to try to be a more awesome Bailey J and work on my health and my soul and try to find out who I am and who I want to be instead of waiting for a guy to build my life around. Honestly, I'd love to find my soul mate and just work my life around him but that's easy and stupid - I dont want to be that girl. It's the hardest thing ever trying to figure out what my purpose is but if I can then I could end up happy and attracting the kind of guy I'd like to attract.

I'm moving my ass to Saint John tomorrow and going to focus on my health, finding a job and growing up a bit. I have high hopes for 2014 - it's an even number and I'm gonna kill this shit. 2013 was rough and intense but there were some great moments, not gonna lie - I had way too much fun.  Either way, I'm ready for some new adventures, struggles, growth and allllll that jazz!

And here's a little highlight reel for 2013... note that all my fun moments were parties ha.

Move to Sacramento!


Rach and Cass's bday celebz!

Surprise party for me!! Thx Ash!! <3 p="">
Halifax!!

My first shot of patron!

Lots of Tequila with my future roomie! Ever single time. 

Boat tour with Maddy and Di

San Diego w/ Ash
Halloween
Christmas with my family! 

Crazy but awesome year - there were some really great moments. It was a year of being so thankful for friends and family and all their awesome support - couldn't do it without you guys! 

Big Love and HAPPY NEW YEAR!! xo
Bailey J 


4 comments:

  1. I hope 2014 will be "your year"! Love you so much my Bailey! XOXO

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  2. Doing you is not selfish at all!! In fact, it's the best thing you can do for yourself because you can't be right for anyone else until you are right with yourself. They say love finds you when you aren't looking and that is exactly what happened for me. I sort of did swear off men and when I didn't care about them anymore the right one came along; probably because I wasn't trying so hard. Best of luck in 2014!!

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  3. Stumbled upon your blog. You are beautiful and smart and sassy- and heck, that's a lot already! Don't discount yourself for making mistakes. I hope 2014 is a fantastic year for you all around!

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  4. May 2014 be a very prosperous year for you. You have to have a win or learn attitude. and learn from all that has occurred and move forward to make this upcoming year AMAZING!!

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