Sunday, December 28

the comeback : 2014 in review

Today I was compelled to sit down and write. I'm compelled a lot of days to write, in fact I think most days I would like to sit down and talk about what's going on with me or how I feel about something of zero importance but the difference between those days and this day is that I actually sat down and did it today for the first time in a really long time. The other difference is that I'm home, at my parents home, in the room I grew up in which I'm pretty sure has something to do with the fact that I'm actually writing. I started writing in this room, I wrote most of my blogs up until January in this room and maybe there is a certain comfort about the atmosphere that probes me to write. Maybe today is just the day I decided to come back to my blog. I guess we'll never know.

2014 has been a crazy year and every time I reflect I also consider that maybe every year is a crazy year because life is kind of a crazy life. I've had a lot of highs, a lot of really great times but I've had my share of lows and some of those lows included unfortunately having friends experience some real lows. Like I said - crazy crazy life.

Something I've never talked much about on my blog or with people outside of my close friends circle is the fact that I struggle emotionally quite often. I don't like to label myself as depressed because a lot of the time I'm not but the truth is that when I'm low I get super low. This year I had a lot of bad lows and as things progressed I lost touch with my blog because writing about it seemed too painful and acting like I was fine seemed totally out of character for who I am as a writer - I try to be as honest as I possibly can.

For me I feel I just have an imbalance that causes me to be really low when I get down, like I said, but doesn't keep me down for extended periods of time. I think much of my sadness is situational (which should be a word but its not fyi) and I eventually get through those times and I'm mostly fine when I'm not in those episodes of total misery. The issue is that I get so low that it's scary and in my opinion not particularly healthy. I tend to not want people to worry about me and I also feel a bit embarrassed when I'm at that point so I try to keep it all inside until it's gone which is also pretty unhealthy. Sometimes all I need to do is talk to someone and I start feeling better but getting to the point of talking to someone is the hard part. Fortunately I have a really wonderful support system and I generally come out on top of things.

I'm not writing this for sympathy as I have a really wonderful life and I'm honestly quite lucky that my sadness is kind of controlled and I have this amazing group of friends and family who keep me going. I'm just writing this because it's my truth and its my life and maybe someone can relate and wants to chat about it and also it's a huge reason why I've abandoned my blog in the last year which is one of the hardest parts for me. When I consider that it's made me abandon something I love so much I feel a bit resentful of it but.. this is just who I am and as I grow I will learn to deal with it as best I can.

When I say it is who I am I don't mean it is all of who I am, though. Some people know me as a friendly and outgoing girl and that is totally who I am as well, I'm just that girl who also gets kinda sad sometimes. Right now I'm in kind of a crazy period of my life which is lasting a really long time and hopefully will not be my general state until I die. I'm just like forever searching to figure out what my mission is and who I'm suppose to be and how i'm going to figure it out and then be that purpose. It's a little exhausting and super scary.

I've spent a lot of the last year wondering what my next step is and feeling like I'm not adding up to anything and like my life is super stagnant. I feel ready for a change and I want to be something more but I have no idea what the next step is and it's super frustrating. I've always felt like I could do more with my life but I have never had a clue what more would or could be. I'm constantly trying to figure out what I'm good at and what my passion is but I lack the confidence to pursue any of my passions which basically tells me that I'm holding myself back. I've conditioned myself to feel like I am as much as I'll ever be which kind of keeps me stuck.

I hope to find out eventually and maybe 2015 will be my year. I really want to work on myself this coming year and just be the best version of me I possibly can. I want to be healthier and wiser and more kind.. those are kind of my goals for the year. I know people think the whole "new year, new me" thing is bullshit but you've gotta start somewhere and theres nothing wrong with having a starting point to start reaching for your goals.

I mentioned earlier that this year has had a lot of highs and they definitely deserved to be celebrated!

In 2014 I moved to Saint John and it was one of the best decisions I've ever made!

In 2014 I started my job at Vitos which I absolutely love! (see awesome vitos crew below)


In 2014 I learned some amazing lessons.. like a lot of really good lessons!

In 2014 I made some amazing new friends who have made me better!

In 2014 I went on my very first date and a couple other ones as well!

In 2014 I fell in love but with neither of those people but it was still awesome!

In 2014 I learned I could still fall in love after having a rough go at er the first time. Again - awesome!

In 2014 I moved into a new place and eventually had a roommate who has blessed my life in so many ways!
In 2014 I had sex with two new people and it was awesome! Sex is pretty great.

In 2014 I had my first and only one night stand. (Top 10 best nights of my life btw.)

In 2014 I was able to form a friendship with my cousin that has become one of the best friendships I've ever had and I am so thankful for it!


In 2014 I took out my first loan and bought myself a car that wasn't on its death bed.

In 2014 I went to Florida with my family to see my cousin get married!



In 2014 I accomplished my life long dream of seeing The Backstreet Boys in concert ( Also top 10 best nights of my life)

In 2014 I partied... a lot.. and it was a lot of fun.



It's been quite a year and I'm happy to celebrate it and not particularly sad to say good bye. I'm looking forward to whats ahead.. lifes full of surprises. My big goal is to blog more because it makes me feel so much better - I absolutely love my blog!

Stay tuned for new years goals and hopefully some documentation of me getting back on track! Thanks for always supporting me and my blog guys!

Big Love,
Bailey 

Thursday, November 13

Help me, help Stephen!

So, have you heard Stephen Lewis' story yet? I know it's floating around pretty rapidly at this point. If you have seen it I know that you are just as impressed and inspired as the rest of us are! If not, please keep reading! Actually, just sit back, relaxed and get inspired!



WOW, right? If that doesn't inspire you, I don't know what will! What an amazing story that is so worth sharing. Tomorrow is Stephens birthday but there really was no point in waiting to spread the word until his birthday as his story is already getting coverage by the big times such as CBC - incredible. I know I won't be able to reach as many people as CBC through my blog but I figure with between my 400 followers, 400 FB likes, 400 twitter followers and 400 instagram followers maybe ONE person will hear this story and be inspired to change their life which is what its all about.

So now it's your turn to spread Stephens amazing story and give him the best 25th birthday gift ever.
Happy Birthday Stephen!

Big Love,
Bailey

Thursday, October 9

the most painful month of my life.

I was reading an article on xojane.com the other night about a woman not much older than me who almost died from an appendicitis. Like me, she was in pain but thought she was fine and fought through her pain instead of getting it checked out. She was eventually forced to go to the hospital (at which point she could barely even walk anymore) and it was so bad that she had to be hospitalized for a month as her appendix burst and the infection had spread, dissolving her appendix which left a hole in her colon.

Now, what I've been through in the past month is definitely not that bad, not even close but I wanted to quickly share my story to urge someone who might be going through the same kind of pain or any kind of pain, to get shit checked. Just toughing it out because it's easier and cheaper to act like nothing is wrong and take way too many tylenol every day is definitely not a good decision I've learned.

4-5 weeks ago I started feeling a dull ache in my teeth and figured I was getting a cavity. I ignored it, made an extra effort to brush and went on my way. After a couple of days the pain had started to spread through my face and was a bit hard to handle at times. It wasn't constant but when it came it was really uncomfortable. I had had a sinus infection before so I figured I had one coming, ignored it, and moved on with my life.

After a week of dull pain, it progressed to full fledged agony. I know, I know, you're like "agony, Bailey? Really?", because it sounds dramatic but it was one of the worst pains I had ever experienced in my life. The pain stretched from the bottom of my jaw to my cheek bone and throbbed. Cold made it worse, heat made it worse, laying down made it worse and basically being conscious made it worse.

The day the pain got worse was a Friday and I was at work. I remember crying between tables and going to my customers with tears in my eyes, trying my best to keep it together. I felt like a huge baby because I knew I sounded crazy.. "my face hurts.. I don't know how to explain it.. I think I have a sinus infection". Well take some sinutab and call it a day Bail, Jesus. I felt like a total drama queen.

That afternoon I left work early and bought sinutab day and night, tylenol sinus and some aleve - I was convinced I just had another sinus infection and all I needed to do was get my sinuses to drain and relieve the pressure. I'd had at least 4 sinus infections at this point - I was an old pro, bring on the saline mist! I started popping the pills like skittles and was able to numb the pain. The nights were worse but I was able to sleep, eating wasn't easy but I was able to tolerate what was room temperature.

Although all the things I was taking were helping the pain, it definitely was not getting better or going away. If I didn't keep on top of it, I was in pretty intense pain for about an hour until whatever I eventually took kicked in. I knew I needed to either go to the ER or a walk in clinic but it all seemed like a bit too much energy and I figured I could take it. I was wrong.

By Tuesday I was at the point where I was crying because I was so tired from not being able to sleep and so tired of being in pain. I made an appointment for Wednesday at a walk in clinic and was excited at the hope of some relief. Little did I know it would be a long time before I felt that. The doctor at the walk in told me I didnt have a sinus infection, it was just a bit of congestion and I should take some hot showers and some saline and I should be fine. I was adament that I was in a SERIOUS amount of pain and that I thought I had a sinus infection so she prescribed me antiobiotics and told me if the pain didnt go away by Saturday to start a round of them.

Do you think the pain was gone by saturday? Definitely not. At this point I was starting to panic as I was headed to my cousins wedding in Florida in 5 days and had little to no desire to either be in agony on the plane from the pressure or to spend my vacation totally miserable. I started the antibiotics and hoped for the best and to be honest, it did seem to be under control and I had hope that I was right all along and the antibiotics were cleaning up my sinus infection as planned.

The first couple days in Florida were good. I took tylenol every once in a while to keep things feelin good and I was happy to be pain free during Vacation. At about Day 4 everything went downhill and I realized that I definitely did not have a sinus infection and the antiobiotics were definitely not working. I was in so much pain and I could not keep it under control. I wasn't able to sleep, I could barely even lean back and I was in more pain than I would ever have thought I could've handled before then.

Until you experience this pain, you really don't get it. I had moments in that couple of days where I wasn't sure if I could hold my shit together anymore - it was pain that made me feel as though I would've rather been dead than suffer through it any longer. My cousin got me in with her dentist the morning after we arrived home from Florida and I felt like it was my last option.

Luckily, after some xrays my dentist was able to determine what was going on in this crazy face of mine. He only said it once and I tried my best to listen and this is what I got from it : I had a cavity (that had once been filled but something went wrong apparently) in a tooth that was so bad it had gone to the root and my nerve was exposed which is obviously painful if the nerve gets irritated. Then there was the infection all through my face as a cherry on top. The dentist put me on the right antibiotics and some tylenol 3 and gave me the choice of a tooth extraction or a root canal.

In the end I ended up getting a root canal. The next 10 days were made tolerable with tylenol 3 and I was finally able to get some sleep but I can honestly say that the month with that pain was truly awful and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. If I had just gone to the dentist in the first place I would've saved myself a lot of grief but I knew it was going to be expensive and I was just in total denial.

Some good came of this experience though. My brother showing up in the middle of the night on vacation and teaching me how to use a netty pot really showed me how much he loves me and also proved to be extremely entertaining. My friends and family doing everything they could for me and putting up with my bitching was very much appreciated - believe me, I know how much I bitched, I just wrote a whole post of bitching. And last but not least, my family coming together to help me pay for a root canal I really couldn't afford as I am not covered and not rich, made me feel like I always have people to lean on and I know how lucky that makes me. I am forever thankful for the amazing people in my life... I am ridiculously lucky.

This experience made me thankful for my health and next time Im in that much pain I will get it dealt with quick. I wanted to write because I haven't in a while and it felt really good to do so but also to inspire someone who might be concerned about something to go get it checked out. Whether you have a mole that seems weird, a mental health concern you feel you should talk to someone about or just an itchy kooka - go get it checked out because it's better safe than sorry!

Life feels extra good now. I can drink ice cold water and not feel a thing - you really take it for granted until it causes you excruciating pain! :)

Until next time,
Bailey 

Tuesday, August 26

It Happened To Me : I Was Unknowingly The Other Woman

I should probably start this post with an apology. I'm sorry I have been AWOL for the past 2-3 weeks. You know those times when I get emotionally constipated? Yeah. It's one of those times (tonight Im taking an emotional shit) If you're curious about weight watchers - I gained, I lost and then this week I barely lost with a big .1 loss (so much better than a gain though.) I've lost around 7lbs and really need to kick some ass before going to Florida and that's just the truth.  Anyways.. so not whats on my mind tonight but I totally owed anyone who follows my weight loss stuff the truth.
________________________________________________________________________________

Tonight I looked at my cousin during one of our serious life chats about the shitty men in our lives and I asked, "Would it be totally crazy if I blogged about that time I was the other woman?". She looked at me as if she was trying to figure out an honest answer that wasn't "Yes, it's totally fucking insane, you nut case.". The truth is that it's crazy. It's not that I would lie about it but most people don't go writing all over the world wide web, that is available to absolutely everyone, that they were "The Other Woman"..it's just not what people do.

But this is my blog and I'm not like other people. This is my blog where I am so intensely honest about so much crazy shit that it has felt almost wrong leaving this chunk of my life out of  it - a chunk that has shook me to my core and shaped my self worth into a large, poisonous beast. This is my place.. my place to be bailey, for better or for worse and my place where I have found so much solace and connection and peace by laying it all out on the table for whoever feels like reading.

So I said fuck it.

I met Sam* years ago and though we hit it off and had a few interesting conversations, I never saw anything panning out with him. I had a boyfriend with whom at the time I absolutely adored and Sam turned into just some guy I had on my facebook - someone I never saw again after we met. After my devastating break up and a move to Saint John which he was aware of he began to ask me to hang out and I wasn't particularly interested. I had been warned, by people who cared about me aka people I should have fucking listened to, that hanging out with Sam was not a good idea and I believed them but was very weak and naive.

I was headstrong at first because though he claimed to be single and very interested in hanging out with me, I knew people were warning me for a reason and had learned in my past relationship that you can't really trust anyone. On top of that, I was not particularly interested and found he came on just a bit too strong for my liking. But I was lonely, very lonely and extremely vulnerable, so I eventually succumbed and started hanging out with him once in a while. A couple of my friends met him and liked him which made me feel like maybe I shouldn't be such a hard ass.. maybe he was a good guy, maybe I was a bit too callous from my last relationship.

I will be honest - I got very lucky and never fell for this guy, praise the sweet baby Jesus. I did enjoy him as a person though and I certainly had a bit of an attachment to the attention I was given and so not use to after being single for almost a year. The signs started to show though.. this guy had something going on. It was the little things I started noticing - girly things in his car, ignoring phones calls and a facebook profile that was just a BIT too private ( serious tell-tale signs ladies and gents.. be smart!) Then he admitted there was an "ex".. I knew I was in too deep, I knew I was in trouble.


Then, after not hearing from him for a couple days it happened - I saw them together. My heart did not break for myself.. my heart broke for her, a girl who most likely genuinely cared about him. Though I did NOT have sex with him (I really didn't), I felt more guilt than I had ever had in my life. Did she know? Was she hurt? Though we didn't have sex, no one wants their boyfriend hanging out with another girl and they definitely don't want him saying he's single to other girls. Then I felt even more guilty when (very) few times I had contact with him, knowing for sure that he had a girlfriend, choosing to stupidly believe the lies about break ups and villainous stories of her.

It was a short lived, confusing time in my life. Eventually we stopped having any contact and it has been months since I spoke to him. I started seeing them out together more and occasionally I saw only her and I would feel sick for days after. I eventually knew that she knew about me and we did end up briefly talking. She told my cousin she hated me and wanted to hit me.. if you know me, you know I would not fair well if someone hit me... I'd panic and probably cry. She was way too cordial to me for not ever having heard my side of the story and I'm grateful for that. After all, my face is the money maker. Just kidding.

A couple weeks later I got my chance and we talked. After a scuffle between Sam* and his girlfriend that I happened upon, I approached her. I stayed outside the bar with her, even knowing she most likely had a deep hate for me, and we were very honest with each other.  She told me about the other versions of me that were currently inside the bar, that he had bought drinks for that night, right in front of her.  I sat with her and told her profusely how much better she deserved, how sorry I was and someday I hope she too will see how much better she deserves to be treated and I hope he will see it too. I will never stop feeling guilty, I will never be okay with it, but I know now that she knows I would do anything to go back and change everything and I would've never knowingly hurt her or anyone else. I've been her.. and the the fact that I have now been the other girl just really fucks with my head.

Deep down you hope that the girlfriend is awful.. you hope she is ugly, you hope she is evil, you hope she treats him more badly than he treats her and that you will never see her as a human with feelings who loves someone. Instead she's beautiful, smart and you feel absolutely awful that you somehow caused her pain because you see how desperately in love she is and you remember how inexplicably painful it is to be in her shoes. Then you feel thankful she didn't punch you in the fucking head.

As for me... I'm pretty fucked up from it. You go from a guy making you feel like maybe you're pretty and maybe you're fun to be around and maybe you're worthy of being a girlfriend to feeling like you're just some disgusting, pathetic, desperate piece of shit that a guy picked out of a crowd when he needed extra attention outside of his relationship. The truth is that I'm not special and after that night at the bar, when she told me of the girl inside he was buying drinks for, I knew it could've been anyone and it was simply my misfortune that it had to be me. Though I didn't wish for him to have feelings for me it still felt like shit.. I had never felt so worthless.

My self esteem has taken a huge hit. I have always tried to be a kind, thoughtful, honest person and a kind, thoughtful, honest woman doesn't have inappropriate relationships with men or women in serious relationships. I worry that deep down I'm not as good of a person as I thought I was and as I want to be and I have really tried to improve myself as a person since this happened.

As a girl who is bigger I already worry enough about my body and now I wonder if men just see me as a cheap, easy, thrill. Do they think I'm easy? Do they think I'll sleep with anyone because I must have a hard enough time getting men to sleep with me let alone be able to find guy who wants to take me on a date, treat me well and have a relationship with me?

The truth is that I can't get anyone to take me on a date. I can't find a guy who likes my body or will suffer through it on a couple of dates. And I know there are men who like bigger girls but I haven't come across very many and believe me, it's not easy to.

This weekend a guy gave me some surprising advice. He told me that men are shallow, to which I enthusiastically agreed, and he told me to be patient. He said I was gorgeous, and awesome and eventually I'm going to find a perfect guy for me, he's going to love me for me and that will be that.

I've decided to grow from my experience being the other woman. I've decided to take this guys much appreciated advice (that I really really am so thankful for) and I've decided to be much more choosy with the men I choose to invest my time and effort into. I have a habit of attracting men like Sam - men who see my vulnerability, men who sense my lack of self esteem and men who are going to take advantage of the fact that I have a big heart and just want to love anyone and let anyone into my life and hope for the best.

I deleted a LOT of people from my phone, a couple from my facebook and have made a serious pact with myself to start respecting myself and to stop casually sleeping with the guy who can't even answer "Are you okay" messages when I find out he's been hurt. Caring about people who don't even respect you enough to reply to your messages is too hard on the damn head.



I'm going to stop hoping for the best with men and realize that until they've proven themselves to me, I have no reason to trust them or believe they want anything from me besides sex and a quick goodbye while remaining open to the fact that someday I am going to find a GOOD man who loves me for me and doesn't "suffer through" my body. Because Sam was not the only man with a significant other who I've hung out with or talked to to later find out he was not single. Some men (and women) absolutely suck..100%...I'm surprised I don't hate men as a whole, not going to lie.

I will not be sleeping with anyone casually (I have only slept with 3 people so it's not like it's something I do on the reg) and I will be requiring dates and talking and connecting before other parts connect. Although I am a fan of sex and so not against casual sex, its just not what Im looking for and I'm ready for a healthy relationship with someone who is single.. (crazy idea, I know).

I totally need to start loving myself. I need to start respecting myself. I need to cliche it up and "do me" and believe that the guy I talked to this weekend knew what he was talking about and hope that a good guy comes along and thinks Im worth it. I'm kinda hoping for it sooner than later..just sayin'.


Most of all I need to forgive myself. I cannot take the entire blame for what happened because some people just plain suck and although I made a couple mistakes, I never meant to hurt anyone and I will do everything in my power to make sure I never hurt someone like that again. I am so lucky to have her forgiveness - she is truly an awesome person and her giving me the chance to give her my side of things was not something she had to do and I am forever grateful for that chance. It has helped me heal so much and I hope she finds the happiness she deserves.

So friends, I hope you aren't judging me for this and I am so thankful I have such an accepting awesome following that I feel comfortable enough to admit this too. I hope you will hold me accountable for my pacts and promises I have made to myself tonight. They say fake it til you make it  and I am going to fake loving myself, my body and fake feeling like I deserve an awesome relationship until it's all the truth to me. Life is too short to be at war with yourself and it's high time I find some peace with Bailey J.

Big love to you all.. I love you so much,
Bailey J

*Names were changed and I won't be disclosing any real names of anyone mentioned in this post. 

Sunday, August 3

Weigh In [Week 2]

I'm a little late posting this, my bad, but I worked all weekend and I tend to sleep on my work breaks (even though I come home with every intention to clean, cook, write or read).

Anyways, yesterday Kristy (my cousin who goes to WW with me) called around 10 and asked if I wanted to go weigh in early then grab a bite to eat. We had gone out the night before so I was more than happy to grab some food asap. The weigh in went well - I was down 2.2lbs and like I said in my last post I'm more than happy with a 2lb loss (or any loss) after a big first week!

So now I am down a total of 8.1lbs since joining weight watchers and feeling wonderful about it. My weekend was pretty off track so I know I need to refocus and have a solid week. If I want to reach my goal of losing 20lbs before we head to Florida then I need to be super focused and on track. I have 11.9lbs to lose in 6 weeks and 2lbs a week would be a super steady and impressive weight loss. If you've followed my blog before it's usually anything but steady... its always up and down for me so I have to be hardcore. Im really motivated though and I know if I stick to the plan I can get there.

This week I'm challenging myself to be a little more creative and find some fun and healthy recipes so I don't get bored of my meals. I am so not a cook so I'm pretty basic but I don't want to eat the same thing every day so I need to suck it up and whip something easy up. Any ideas? Please comment!



Thanks to everyone who has been supporting me the last couple of weeks - it means so much to me! If you have advice to give or a story to share - anything! - please do not hesitate to message me because I love connecting with my readers!

Big Love,
Bailey J 

Thursday, July 31

Temptations At Home

I've wrote on my blog about how comfortable I am on Grand Manan at my parents home -it is my safe place and where I feel most myself. This is a wonderful thing but when it comes to dieting it is not so wonderful - it has almost as many temptations for me as Taco Bell does.

When I'm in the city I find I can be quite strict and on track even though technically there would be many more options for cheating. I don't bring junk food into my home and luckily for me my roommate eats healthy as well (except she looks like a fitness model and I look like .. well....not a fitness model). If I try hard I can avoid the delicious food at work and lucky for me I'm not a big fast food person - my rule is that I must never go through a drive through alone as to not make it a habit. So fast food is a once in a while, at 3am kind of a thing for me..not much of a temptation.

But at home.. oh boy, at home. There is currently doritos, cheesecake, swedish berries and a big bowl of spaghetti here and those are just the things I've picked out in the last 12 hours - I could find way more if I looked. Theres also a large jar of rhubarb punch mix - my favorite - just waiting for me in the fridge. It's so hard!

Now just to be clear - this is not to sabotage me. This is my parents home and I'm only here for a visit every once in a while. It's their food and they didn't just buy it because they knew I was coming home. My mother bought tons of fruit and veggies and cooked me a delicious meal last night (I posted it on instagram which you should totally follow me on : beejsmallz) and is SO supportive of me every time I try to lose weight which has been hundreds of times. But it's still hard because although there is healthy food I want all the shitty food!

So today I woke up and I had some fruit and guzzled some water. I went to get my nails done then as I drove up the island I day dreamed about all the different things I could eat at my favorite restaurants on the island and when I got to my house I entertained the thought of warming up that huge bowl of spaghetti and inhaling it. Instead of eating those things though, I thought about my weigh in saturday and decided to have the best of both worlds - I put together a plate of salad and chicken and gave myself 3/4C of the spaghetti to satisfy the craving.

Some people would consider this a win, some would consider it a loss. I'm considering it a win - I'm just not at a place where I can totally avoid everything I love and make 100% on point eating decisions yet. The fact that I didn't go and get garlic fingers and actually had something healthy is a huge win. Also, like I've mentioned more than once, I never want to live without all the things I love and I stand by that - if I want some spaghetti, Im gonna eat some.

This losing weight thing is not easy, as many of you may know. In fact it's a very hard and emotional journey and there's good days and bad days and I'm just thankful I have this blog to come to when I'm struggling or triumphing or whatever it is I need an outlet for and I thank you, the readers, for being there to listen. You're the best!

So Saturday is my weigh in and I'm feeling good about it. In the weight loss world it's well known that week 2 can be weak sometimes as far as weight loss goes and I'm prepared for that. I had a huge loss last Saturday and I'm not expecting another one like that and I'm prepared to not lose anything. I have had a pretty good week though, I've been keeping up with my goals of tracking better and drinking more water and I'd be quite happy with a 2lb loss though a 4lb loss would be even better, hahah.

So wish me luck and I'll fill you all in on Saturday!

Big Love,
Bailey


Saturday, July 26

My first weigh in!

Yesterday I woke up feeling light. I was at my friends place in Fredericton and as I drove back to SJ I decided I was going to get on the scale. I know I shouldn't weigh myself at home when I'm getting weighed at weight watchers but since I had decided to wait a week and a half for my first weigh in I was anxious to see how I was doing. When I arrived home, I jumped on and was very pleased at the number on the scale.

Later that day I went to work, stayed within my points but still felt kinda yucky - I ate too much within a tiny time frame and I wont be doing that again. Then I started to get nervous - was I going to screw up my weigh in (which was today) by eating so much late in the day? The panic set in.

When I woke up this morning to get ready for my weigh in before work, I was nervous. I did a bad thing and I jumped on the scale which told me I had gained .6 (from my starting weight, not what I had seen yesterday). After 10 days of eating healthy and staying within my points had I really gained? I decided I didn't even want to go to my weigh in. How embarrassing woudl that be - my first week on WW and I gained?!

Then I told myself this is why I joined - to be accountable! So I went..and I was very thankful I did. Maybe I shouldn't leave my scale by the shower cause that thing was way off - I lost 5.9lbs! I was so happy and it was motivation to keep it up.

I am so thankful I made the decision to join and finally turn things around. I haven't been perfect - I have eaten chips, drank grown up drinks and dipped into some chocolate and cheese-ball one night but I have been staying within my points and eating so much better. I feel awesome and I even had someone comment that I look like I've lost a bit of weight which may not be true but it still feels good.

I'm pretty sure I mentioned on Tuesday that I have a goal of losing 20lbs by the time we go to Florida for my cousin Katies wedding. The date is September.18th that we leave and now I only have 14.1lbs to go and I really feel like I can do it if I stick to the plan. 14lbs in 7.5 weeks is doable but I need to be consistent so keep me on my toes, friends!

This weeks goals are to be more strict with my logging and drink more water! Check in next Saturday for my 2nd weigh in! And like I said on Tuesday, if you have any good weight loss blogs I should read please share! :)

Big love,
Bailey

Tuesday, July 22

Changin' It Up

Before I start this post I just want to thank everyone for reading and sharing my last post. I was totally overwhelmed by how many people could relate and felt the same and shared and connected over my post. It was a blessing to be able to write something that helped people relate and helped me sort through all the confusing feelings following Danielles death. That post reached around 5000 people which is huge for my little blog. It's as if everything about her was far reaching and affected so many people...rest easy, Danielle.
_______________________________________________________________________________

How is everyone doing? I wasn't planning to do this post this soon but I have wifi and some crazy motivation so I decided to just come out with it and maybe it will help hold me accountable. Every time I've tried to get back on track and wrote about it on my blog I've given up and wrote a post about being back on track then never followed up with it and I hate that. I know that it's totally common - it's very hard to get back on track - but I don't like feeling like I look like a failure and Id much rather be an inspiration than someone who gives up all the time but alas, I have indeed given up many times. 

So when I made this decision last week I told myself I wasn't going to write about it or really tell people for a month because I wanted to make sure I was in it for the long haul.Today marks only week and I'm itching to write about it so here it is : I joined back up with Weight Watchers last week and I am getting this fucking weight off no matter what stands in my stupid way! I signed up at the Weight Watchers Clinic here - I am not doing it on my own, I am being held accountable and getting weighed every Saturday with Kristy and my plan is to kick some ass. 

So far it's been a good week. I had one cheat night but got right back on track - damn you, cheeseball. I'm not sure how I'm doing on the scale (it's my period week so Im trying not to totally discourage myself by looking and being up) but I feel awesome! For the first time in over a year on my period, I look in the mirror and feel better about how I look. Obviously I haven't lost any inches in a week but normally I look in the mirror and I have to cry it out and take a nap so this is a big step. 

Right now I'm feeling really good about my decision. I know myself and I know there has to be a kind of breaking point before I'm ready to actually commit. I have been thinking about it and thinking about it but the truth is that sometimes you're just not ready to give up the unlimited supply of guiltless oreos and you're not ready to face the fact that you're overeating by like 10x every single day. But I'm ready and Im facing it and I feel really motivated and ready to make the appropriate sacrifices in order to feel better. 

My goals right now are small. I'd like to get back to the weight that I was when I lost it a couple of years ago. I'm not looking to be a size 4, I'm not looking to have a flat stomach and I don't plan on never eating cake again. I love food and I love going out to eat with my friends and drinking and laying on a couch eating chips and I will probably love those things forever and if I have to give up on ever being super thin in order to have those things once in a while then I will. I'm okay with never being thin and chances are I probably wont ever be super thin even if I tried really really hard so why torture myself? 

I just want to feel better in my clothes, do better things for my body and treat it with a bit more respect. I want to be more willing to get in pictures with my friends and look back on them and think "wow, that was so much fun" rather than "wow, I am disgusting". I want to have more confidence, like I used to and get back into working out because it made me feel powerful and energetic and happy. I'm not looking to be perfect.. I'm just looking to be better!

So I know I told you I joined a week ago but I didn't weigh in today.. I'm weighing in Saturday with my cousin. Saturdays will be my official weigh in day and I promise to update you all on my first week (week and a half technically) this weekend. I'm hoping for a big loss obviously, something to motivate the heck out of me, but honestly its just nice to feel good and shit normally again (major TMI, I know, but shitty normally is awesome when you usually dont). 

So I'll definitely need motivation and people checking in on me! If you ever want to shoot me a message and say, 'Are you on track today, Bail?, 'What did you have for lunch today?', or 'How was your weigh in?' please do! My mini goal is 20lbs off by the time I leave for my cousins wedding in Florida which is a huge goal so I really need to power through this next 2 months and I'll take any support I can! 

I'm also super out of the loop with weightloss blogs and such things so please leave me your own or leave me your favorites so I can be inspired by all you fabulous people!



Big Love,
Bailey

Wednesday, July 16

rest in peace, #9

[I wrote this post earlier this week after the death of a young girl from my hometown. At first I didn't publish it because it's quite raw and I just didn't feel ready to share it but I decided to go ahead because maybe someone is feeling the same way I am and needs someone to relate to. ]

When I don't know how to make sense of the things in my head, the things in my heart, the world around me, etc my only place to escape to is my blog or more specifically, the way I escape is to write. For the past couple of years writing has been my way to organize my thoughts and my feelings and with each letter I type I dig deeper and deeper to get into my soul and not only express what is really going on within it but to determine what is going on within it. Sometimes I don't even know how I am truly feeling about something until I am writing about it and because of this, writing has been the most beautiful therapy for me.

So why am I writing today? Because my heart is broken and confused and I have no idea what to make of the way I feel. I knew I wouldn't be able to sort through the way I feel until I sat down and started typing so here I am. Last night there was a tragic accident in my close-knit hometown of Grand Manan. A beautiful life was taken way too soon and it has slapped me hard across the face and has had an emotional ripple effect across this island. She was someone I knew, but not someone I was close to and yet my heart breaks and my stomach lurches every couple of minutes as I remember what has happened.

My heart is big and my soul is deep - I am a woman of total emotional chaos and these things are most likely to be credited for the way I feel today and why someone like me, who is not directly affected, is heartbroken over this tragedy. Yet my experience is not unique - everyone I know, even my best friend who is thousands of miles away, is feeling this immense, inexplicable aching after her death.

An amazing young woman was taken from this earth and all I feel in the air is the sorrow and hurt surrounding my hometown. All I see are sad eyes everywhere I go, people trying to keep it together and trying to figure out how something like this can happen so unfairly. I feel the magnitude of this loss as I scroll through my facebook. My pain is not pain for myself but pain for the literal hundreds of people who's lives will never be the same because of this accident. My hurt is a paper cut in comparison to those who's lives were touched by her existance. I cry for a life stolen from someone with so much potential and I struggle because there is absolutely no sense to make of any of it.

My first instinct, although an emotional person, is to be logical about this accident. Death is inevitable and accidents happen every day, everywhere to people just as undeserving. Yet I know so many are wondering how this is fair, where is good and where is God, right now? The truth is that good exists and bad exists and how the good and the bad in this world manifests is not up to us - bad things will happen, tragedy is inevitable and we will be left to deal with it whether it is what we believe is fair or not.

After a lot of reflection I have chosen to console myself (because it is the really only person I have the control to console) by telling myself this : what I can control, when it comes to good and bad, is only how I let it manifest within myself. I can't control whether something good or bad happens to me but i can control what good and bad I put into the world. I can choose to live a life that is generous and bright like Danielles. We can choose to make better decisions, love as hard as we can and we can choose to live and celebrate every single moment of life because it is the most precious gift and it is not one without an expiry date.

If we live our lives with intention, love hard, live big and share that love and joy with everyone around us then we are doing something right, just like she did. When it is our time - which eventually, sooner or later, it will be, if we can be proud of the life we lead then there is something to be said for that. From what I know, the life that was lost last night was a FULL, amazing, loving life. She touched so many people and was such a blessing to this world and that is why there is so much hurt and pain right now. But in this tragedy there is a life to be celebrated, a wonderful, beautiful life and although that will never take away the pain that so many are feeling, there is a little bit of good to takewith the bad.

In times like these I feel an immense connection to my island. As I leave I feel a pull back to it, which if you know me you know is something I rarely feel. Although I choose to not live my life on Grand Manan there is something unique and special about a place so close knit and I am proud to be a part of a community that pulls together and holds each other tight during awful accidents like this. It is hard to explain to people why I am hurting so much when they know that I didn't have a relationship with the life lost.. you just don't get it unless you are from Grand Manan

I am leaving my heart on Grand Manan tonight and I am sending as much love and strength as I can to wrap around the island and hug it tight. My deepest condolences are with the families and friends of Danielle.. I have never known a pain like that and no one deserves to feel it.

The world just wasn't ready for you yet. Rest in Peace #9

Monday, July 7

a love worth waiting for. [Days 15-19]

Hello Lovely People!

I am using the wifi at work to catch up on the past couple days of my 100 happy days challenge. The bad news is that my data charges on my phone are going to be out of control his month due to not having wifi but the good news is that my modem is on the way and I will soon have wifi and be able to update regularly from home. Can I get an AMEN?

So I'll jump right into my updates starting back at Day 15.

Day 15. Mistake Pizza. I know food should't affect my happiness but it probably affects it more than most things. I love pizza and I love free pizza even more so when someone called and cancelled their 2 medium pizzas on friday night and the boys in the kitchen asked me if I wanted it I was over the moon. Even better? Kristy came over with some other treats and we had a little girls night which is another thing that makes me super happy. Lovely. 

Day 16. Surprise Adventures 

I was scheduled to work Sunday AM so my plans for Saturday night included work, food and a lot of sleep. At work Kristy and I started entertaining the idea of going out and before we knew it we were all dressed up and headed to the bar. I love the nights when you don't plan to do anything and it turns into a whole bunch of fun. Ended the night cuddling a very handsome guy too so.. an even better surprise! WOOP WOOP. 

Day 17. Movie Love
Yesterday I was able to see the kind of love I hope to find someday. An older couple came in, prob in their late 60's/early 70s and the man was pushing his wife in her wheelchair. As I waited on them I became more aware of her state - she was their mentally, seemed aware of the conversation and laughed along with it but she was unable to do much physically and didn't communicate much if at all. Her husband seemed very happy to be out to eat with her and sat there for over 90 minutes sharing his meal with her, feeding her and smiling at her. 

That is how I hope I love someone and that is how I hope to be loved - even when we are sick or angry or whatever I want us to be in it together to the bitter end because we dont want to spend our lives with anyone else. Over the past year or so I've kind of lost my faith in love or finding anything even close to that. I always believed so much that I was going to find this perfect love, not one without struggle but one that outlasted those struggles. Then I started seeing relationships I admire deteriorate and I was hurt over and over and people I love were hurt over and over and I started to wonder if anyone else in the world even wanted the kind of love I dreamed of. I still wonder. If there is any chance of me finding that kind of love though it's totally worth waiting for. 

I don't know whats ahead for me and I don't know if I'll ever find a beautiful love like theirs but seeing that it can exist helped me. I don't know their story - I don't know what awful things they have done to each other if any, I don't know if they have been married for years and I don't know how long he will stay by her side but I believe that it will be as long as he can and I just totally fell in love with their love yesterday. 


Day 18. Painting my Nails 
Todays Happy Moment is much lighter and more easy going than yesterdays. On my break today I decided to tackle my disgusting toenails and finger nails. I almost NEVER make time to do those little things for myself because I'm lazy and don't really care about myself enough but I was happy I did it today. I'd like to make more effort to do those sorts of things and maybe that will bring up my chances of finding that love I was talking about earlier cause my nasty ass chipped purple nail polish sure wasn't. 

So now that I've caught you up and shared my most deep, dark, depressing feelings on love I think I'll let you guys decompress because that was a bucket load. 

Remember to follow along with my 100 Happy Days not only here on my blog but through instagram. You can follow me with the username beejsmallz (www.instagram.com/beejsmallz) or with the hashtags #100happydays #choosehappy and/or #bailchooses happy. Let me know if you decide to take the challenge as well so I can follow you!
BIG love,
Bailey 



Wednesday, July 2

family, friends and free shit [Days 8-14]

Excuse my french but Holy Shit. The past week has been crazy. Between working like crazy after losing a couple of coworkers and moving into my new place, I've barely had time to sleep or breathe. I'm finally on a day off and I am on Grand Manan seeing my parents, big brother, his wife and their kids. I wasn't sure if I was going to make it but last night I surprised them and I'm so happy to be here! I really needed the time off and being able to see my family who I don't see very often is making this day off so much sweeter!

The first couple of days I missed were just too busy to make any time for blogging and the next few I was at the new place without WIFI so that's why I have missed the past week. Despite this I have definitely still been looking for things to write about and keeping track so that I can stay accountable. I am going to finish this 100 Days - no excuses!

So let's start back at last thursday.

Day 8 New Friends


Meet Vanessa! Vanessa and I work at Vitos together. Last Thursday Vanessa and I had some drinks after work and hit up karaoke. She is one of the most genuine, kind people I've ever met. I have been so lucky working at Vitos - I have made some really great friends and been able to take the friendships outside of work which is great. Everyone I work with I get along with and I'm really happy to have met everyone there, they make the job awesome! 

Day 9 Independence

I've always wanted to be super independent but I am totally not at all. I call my mom all the time for silly, embarrassing things and I always have to ask a million questions about things because I've never done them on my own. Looking for a new place and moving in has forced me to do a lot of new, grown up things that I've never done before and it's been a scary and cool experience. I definitely feel I have gained some independence through this experience and I'm totally down with that. Independent sister diva for life! (Unfortunately I literally will probably be a single diva for life)

Day 10 Free Beers (Cider..same thing) 

For those of you who don't know what Klout is, it is essentially a social media program that gives you points depending on how popular you are within social media sites such as facebook, twitter and instagram and will send you free things as your points get higher. I've received a lot of interesting things from Klout but when they sent me Molsen Canadians delicious Cider last week I was pretty thrilled! It was the day I was moving so they couldn't have come at a better time. Free beers are the best beers and I was one happy little camper! 

Day 11 Helping Hands

Sunday my father and his friend showed up to move my heavy things into my new place. I have never been more thankful for help. I had to work a split shift that day and after I went to work they moved all my furniture, etc up the 3 flights to my new apt in the blistering heat. I am so blessed to have people who are willing to help me.. I couldn't ever say thank you enough. 



Later that night, around 2:30AM, after packing and cleaning since 10pm, I was finally carrying my stuff from my car up to my new apartment. I was exhausted - more exhausted than I been in a long time - and I was on the edge of a mental breakdown.. okay, I had already had a mental breakdown. As I loaded my arms up with a couple more bags to carry upstairs, my friend Medo, a knight in shining armor, showed up out of nowhere and asked if I needed help. It was like a guardian angel had been sent to me from the heavens! He didn't know I was moving but had seen me on my way to the store and stopped in to help me. This gesture meant SO much to me and was so much easier to appreciate after having a different guy totally ditch me earlier that evening when I started to pack up my stuff. I am so glad to have Medo and my other caring, generous friends like him to help get me through life. I'd be a wreck without ya's! 

Day 12 Last minute Maddy Visits 

On Monday I was working and I got a text from Maddy asking me to call her. When I did, she asked what I was doing that night as it was Canada Day Eve and there was a lot going on in SJ. I told her I was hitting up the boardwalk with my friends and she decided to make the trip up and come out with me. Maddy is my best friend and whenever she comes to town I am the happiest person in the world so her showing up after a bit of a stressful weekend was just what I needed - I had the excited shits and everything! We had SUCH a blast Monday night celebrating Canada with all kinds of friends and I just love her so much!




Day 13 Surprises! 

So as I mentioned I came home last night and surprised my family. I love surprising and I love to be surprised so I took advantage of my chance to come home and surprise everyone. I'm not sure how surprised they were as I tend to pull shit like this a lot but it made me happy so thumbs up to that! 

Day 14 Family 

Today I have been able to hang out and see my niece and nephews and since I barely ever get to I've really enjoyed having them around. I'll be very sad to go tomorrow but I'm just thankful I was able to come home. It's always so crazy to see how they have grown and how smart and funny they are. I wish I could tell you every funny thing they say and capture it all on camera but I probably find them especially cute and awesome since they're my own. 



Tomorrow I'm headed back to the city. Im sad to leave but I'm just thankful I was able to come at all and it will be nice to get the apartment all set up and make it home. As soon as I have wifi I will be updating regularly but until then my posts will probably be scattered and combined days - sorry! Will try my best :) 

Big Love,
Bailey 






Wednesday, June 25

Trying New Things. [Day 7.]

Props to myself for making it through the first week of my 100 Happy Days project and especially for posting it on the blog the whole time. I'm quite impressed with myself for making the time to record it all here and I know by the end of it I'll be happy I kept track of it all and didn't get lazy.

Todays happiness is brought to you by food.. which is not unusual. Today my friend Medo and I got together for lunch and he took me to Taste Of Egypt - a restaurant in uptown Saint John that I've been dying to try. He had the beef kebob and I had a shawarma wrap with rice! I love going to new places and trying new things (especially food, lets be honest) so I was so happy to go with him. The wrap was delicious and the company was great. He has been an awesome friend to me since we met in January.


The picture I got of the food was a super shitty picture but oh well! :) After lunch we went to Rockwood Park and I got super lost but you can't actually get lost so it was fine. We went to a part of the park I haven't been to before and it was really nice. Id really like to start running up there, mostly because I can run deep into the forest where no one can see me lol

Remember to follow along with my 100 Happy Days on my blog or through instagram. You can follow me with the username beejsmallz (www.instagram.com/beejsmallz) or with the hashtags #100happydays #choosehappy and/or #bailchooses happy. Let me know if you decide to take the challenge as well so I can follow you!

big love,
bailey j 

Kristy [Day 6]

Todays post is late because work was kinda terrible. The bright side is that I came home with 140$ from a night shift on a tuesday which is super rare. The bad news is I didnt even get into Millidgeville until 11 and thats annoying. Oh well!

Today for my 100 happy days I'm celebrating Kristy. Kristy is my cousin/soul sister diva who has basically been taking care of me and being my best friend since I moved to Saint John. She listens to all my bullshit, gives me advice (even when it hurts!), feeds me, makes me laugh, finds me jobs and the list goes on and on. My life really would be a racket without her and she has been a huge blessing to my life since I moved here in January. 

Today she made me Chicken Alfredo and I knew she had to be my Day 6. Love you! 


Remember to follow along with my 100 Happy Days on my blog or through instagram. You can follow me with the username beejsmallz (www.instagram.com/beejsmallz) or with the hashtags #100happydays #choosehappy and/or #bailchooses happy. Let me know if you decide to take the challenge as well so I can follow you!

big love,
bailey

Monday, June 23

a day of adventures. [day 5]

Good afternoon, lovely readers!

Yesterday when I finished my post I said "tomorrow is going to be awesome" and today really was awesome. It was one of the best days I've had in a while and definitely makes up for my shitty day yesterday!

I woke up this morning and Ashley and Ryker were in town. We had made plans to have a day in the city and hit up the zoo and I was pretty excited it was finally happening! I LOVE animals and although I have conflicting feelings about the zoo, I had never been to the Cherry Brook and thought it would be a fun adventure to take Ryker.

After a pizza pit stop and picking up my friend Josh we headed out. We had a good time at the zoo and my personal favorite was the snow leopard and least favorite was the creepy emu. I'd tell you what Rykers favorite part was but he thought ever single animal was a tiger so he was pretty content either way. I was easy to please - the last zoo I went to was in Guatemala and there was one totally insane tiger and some possums. Pretty bleak.

When we finished we weren't ready for the adventures to stop so we decided to check out the fair that is in town. We bought a bunch of tickets and hit up all of the rides that Ryk was big enough to get on. Josh and I were kind of useless for most of them because we get sick but I got on the ferris wheel and Josh did a little mini roller coaster with him. Mama Ash definitely won the ride crown by doing the ferris wheel, strawberry, bumble bee and the carousel.

It was a gorgeous day and we won some prizes, got slushies and ate mini cinnamon donuts so I really have nothing to complain about! To top it all off I may get to have some lobster dip tonight and I got a really nice call from my father today who wanted to cheer me up after seeing my blog yesterday. I am blessed and life is beautiful and that's what this project is all about. :)


Remember to follow along with my 100 Happy Days on my blog or through instagram. You can follow me with the username beejsmallz (www.instagram.com/beejsmallz) or with the hashtags #100happydays #choosehappy and/or #bailchooses happy. Let me know if you decide to take the challenge as well so I can follow you!

Have a beautiful day,
Big Love,
Bailey





comfort food [day 4]

Today was the first day I struggled with finding something to post for my 100 happy days. I was hoping it wouldn't happen so soon (day 4, really?!) but it was a bad day and it's that time of the month so what can you do? 

Nothing too awful happened today it was just a bad one..one of those days. I'm emotional and lonely and then I lost out on $80 after an incident at work, not to mention work was hellishly busy and I went home in the negative! Just a bad day. 

So now I'm at home comforting myself with a sidekick and some TLC and I'm choosing to enjoy it thoroughly and count it as my happy moment of the day. Sometimes you just have to accept that every day cant be perfect and enjoy a treat and some weird shows about amish people. 



Tomorrow is going to be awesome..absolutely awesome! Check back tomorrow for a more uplifting post. :) Remember to follow along with my 100 Happy Days on my blog or through instagram. You can follow me with the username beejsmallz (www.instagram.com/beejsmallz) or with the hashtags #100happydays #choosehappy and/or #bailchooses happy. Let me know if you decide to take the challenge as well so I can follow you!

Saturday, June 21

the simple things. [day 3]

Today my happy moment is a simple one but one I appreciate when it happens. I'm a waitress and I tend to work a lot of weekends and late nights on those weekends. I love working, I love getting hours and I love my job but once in a while it's nice to leave a bit early. Tonight I was able to leave work before the sun set and it made me pretty darn happy! It's a simple happiness but that's what this project is all about - finding beauty and happiness in the little things in life. I'm off to have some drinks with my friends - another thing that brings me happiness - and I hope you all have a lovely evening.


Remember to follow along with my 100 Happy Days on my blog or through instagram. You can follow me with the username beejsmallz (www.instagram.com/beejsmallz) or with the hashtags #100happydays #choosehappy and/or #bailchooses happy. Let me know if you decide to take the challenge as well so I can follow you!

Big Love,
Bailey 

Friday, June 20

my mother might kill me today. [Day 2]

Yesterday I started the 100 Happy days challenge on my blog and on instagram. To follow along either follow me on instagram : beejsmallz or search the hashtags #100happydays, #bailchooseshappy and/or #choosehappy. To find out more about what lead me to do this little project check out yesterdays post. If you read it then welcome to Day 2 - are you proud I made it this far? Because I kind of suck at consistency! Go me!


My mother might kill me for posting that photo of her but it's important to me. Today, my mom loving me enough to wake up at 6am on a day she took off just to see me for a couple minutes before I left made my happy. I'm blessed to have a truly awesome mother who loves me more than anyone should . I know that I probably wouldnt wake up at 6 for anything really so it means a lot to me that a couple minutes of seeing me was worth it to her. Im so lucky.

Happy Friday, everyone!
Big love,
Bailey 

Thursday, June 19

the happiness search. [Day 1]

I'm sitting in the place in the world where I probably feel most comfortable and most like me - at my parents home on Grand Manan. It's a shame because I absolutely hate living on the island but there is a certain comfort to coming home, even for a day, after even a couple of weeks of living my life in Saint John. Don't get me wrong - I'll always see my move as a good decision, but I am just so comfortable and at home here and a part of me wonders if I'll ever find that in another place and preferably not with my parents.

As I become more and more comfortable in Saint John and I try to build a life for myself, I find myself back to old issues of trying to figure out who I am and where my life is going and whether I'm leading a life that is purposeful and meaningful. For the most part I think no. I said last night to my girlfriends that I feel kind of helpless, especiallly when it comes to my weight, and Rachel said "you should write about it, it always helped you to keep track on your blog". Which is totally true but as I said to them, I can't write at all lately and I feel like my life is a mess and it would be a lot of...

"Everytime I find a new guy it fails, I'm fat, I'm broke and Im in love with someone who won't give me a shot. Being Bailey J!"

Who wants to read that? I bet you didn't enjoy reading it right then let alone every day over and over. Imagine what it's liek to be my friends? Depressing having to listen to that shit over and over! After that comment Rachel said "|Write about happy things".

Hmm. That's an idea. I wanted to say "I really don't have many happy things to write about... except for when Im drunk at a bar dancing and not worrying about why I'm not happy when I'm sober". I didn't but I said it to myself and then I thought.. hold the fuckin' phone Bailey. This is not you and it's not okay to feel like this and we're gonna stop this ole train right here.

So this is my new project. I'm sure you've all heard of, seen someone you know participate in or possibly even participated in the 100 Happy Days project. It's an awesome project that forces you to see the happy, positive things/events/people in your every day life and essentially can totally brighten your days and make you notice the good things instead of focusing on the bad and it's exactly what I need!

So every day, starting today, I'm going to blog about something awesome that happened to me that day or a beautiful thing I saw or a lovely compliment someone gave me and I'm going to show myself that though my life is a total mess and not together even remotely that there is beauty and awesomeness in it and I'm going to snap myself out of this funk. I'm also forcing myself into 100 days of writing on this blog which will probably do me a world of good - this is such a big part of me and I have been pushing it away and it's time to embrace it.

So without further adieu I bring you Day 1 : Finding Peace at Home


I took a long drive today to a spot on Grand Manan, pictured here, that for some reason makes me feel so calm. I always feel like everythings going to be okay when I go here and it was just so beautiful today that I had to snap a picture. Can you believe I actually took that? I'm so not a picture taker but it's not too bad, if I say so myself. Grand Manan kind of does the work for you though. I know that even if my life got real bad, like stripper bad, that I could come home and feel safe and comfortable and that counts for a lot. By the way.. I have no intentions of becoming a stripper..they'd probably pay me to leave..which is an idea for extra cash..hmmm. 

Anyways. Please follow along on this journey with me, every day for the next 100 days, either here on my blog or on instagram under the hastags #choosehappy #100happydays and/or #bailchooseshappy 

Thanks to Rachel for the inspiration - love you long time. 
See ya'll tomorrow. 
Big Love,
Bailey 





Monday, May 26

im alive and life is grand!

After committing to the blog I didnt write again - classic Bailey. Apparently commitment isn't my thing lately! Either way - life has been good. Here's what I've been up to : 


Rach and I had one of the best nights of our lives and saw Backstreet Boys in Halifax. Absolutely amazing..one for the books..I'll never EVER forget it. 

Went home for a couple days! Surprised Mom and had a dinner date with the girls! Al is home from Oz - so awesome to see her. Some quality time with the stinker as well.. love him millions. 


Got a hurr cut!

Got a sunburn..shaved..and got a nasty rash on my leg. Not cool. 


Celebrated Rachels Birthday - too much fun! 


                                   

Went to my first Burger Week with Josh. We had a burger that had a patty, a chicken breast, bacon and pulled pork on it. I felt quite ill after but it was delicious and lovely company too! 


Met a hot guy at the bar and had this conversation at 3:30 in the morning when he was trying to get me to come over. I definitely don't need to wonder when Im not getting laid or finding a boyfriend. I didnt go over.. too busy dreaming about cheeseburgers. 

Speaking of boys.. its been a roller coaster. I still haven't found a decent one but its been an interesting month. I was seeing a guy in Moncton who ended up being a bit of a jerk off but I am currently getting to know someone with potential and Im pretty excited about it. He's nice and so handsome and I really enjoy talking to him. The guy I was seeing all but refused to come down for my birthday weekend and stay with me after several trips to Moncton for him. This new guy? Offered to come down for the entire weekend to celebrate with me... yep.. potential! I will definitely keep you posted - im SO nervous!!

Other than that life is mostly work and fun when I have time! Im still really enjoying living in Saint John. The new car is wonderful - its so nice driving around without a thought of breaking down even close to my mind. Im currently apartment shopping (and also looking for a roommate if anyone knows of one) and I cant wait to have it out of the way - too much stress for me aha. Also - gearing up for my birthday week which starts right about now. Big fan of my birthday week aha. 

Whats new with everyone else? 
Big love,
Bailey. xo











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