Tuesday, April 29

Saying Goodbye To White Lightning

Today I am saying goodbye to my second car, the first car I ever bought on my own, White Lightning. I bought this car a year ago tomorrow and though it is an absolute piece of junk I find myself emotional and reluctant to give her up. After all, it has been a hell of a year and she has been there by my side the whole time.

In March of 2013 I sold my last car, The Blueberry to a friend for $300 as I planned to move in with my boyfriend, Mark, in California. As most of you know, Mark and I broke up and I moved home. I bought White Lightning, a 97 Pontiac Sunfire 2 months after the break up and moving back to Grand Manan. The car has a lot of sentimental value to me - good and bad. Buying this car was a commitment to staying on Grand Manan, where I do not prefer to live, and moving on from my life with Mark which at that point I wasn't sure if I was ready to do.

That sunfire was my escape. At that time I was unemployed besides my small house and pet sitting business and I spent a lot of time driving around, with the music cranked so high I couldnt think, crying, singing and trying to figure out where the fuck my life was going and if I was ever going to feel whole again. I found solace in white lightning.. I cried a lot of tears in that car. It was a very sad, heart broken time in my life but I kind of drove through my shit storm.

Eventually life started looking up. I was working a job I loved, making good money, the sun was shining and my friends lived at home. White Lightning and I made some memories doing road trips to Saint John and Freddy to see friends and sometimes to see boys. I remember trucking to Fredericton late one Monday night to see a boy I liked so much and even though looking back I should've been embarrassed to show up in that thing, I was just happy to have a way there. She always got me where I needed to go.

In January I made the move to Saint John in White Lightning and got my job at vitos and she has been getting me there ( most of the time) every day for the last 4 months. I have started this new life here and I am happy and moving on and a lot has changed but White Lightning has been my constant - an unreliable constant but a constant nonetheless. Though I know it's time for something new and reliable, I am sad to say goodbye to a car that I was using during such a crazy time in my life. Im such a sucker.

But this new car, which I totally love, is going to be with me for some awesome new memories and I can't wait to see whats up next here in Saint John. Today I am saying a fond goodbye to White Lightning and an eager hello to whatever the future holds, good or bad, with my new car.

Later Days, White Lightning.
Big Love,

Monday, April 21

I'll Text Back If I Fucking Feel Like It

Im from a generation of games. Being single and looking is the hardest game I have ever played in my life. Loving Mark was easy and being with him was easy. Not to say that it was the best relationship in the world or that there weren't rough patches because there were some real fuckin rough patches (clearly since we are broken up) but we loved each other and that was a fact.

Once Mark and I fell for each other that was just the way it was - there were no games, we just loved each other and made sure the other knew just how much. Now that I am single, I am constantly analyzing my next move, trying to be one step ahead and preparing myself for the dudes game play. It is fucking exhausting. 

It is so hard to tell if someone is interested and you can't tell either fucking way. If they aren't interested, they are never up front about it so you're left to wonder and be totally clueless. If they are interested you can't tell either, because they are acting like they aren't interested to see if you're interested or to seem uninterested so that you will become interested. WHAT THE FUCK? It is way too complicated for me. 

I'm straight up - if I like you , generally you will know. I may not shout it from the roof top but I will text you and want to hang out with you and show my interest because I think life is short and I don't have time to waste. I have all kinds of love to give and I believe in facing the music when Im into someone.. go for it, if it doesn't work, it doesnt work. 

I also  believe that a guy is either into me or he isn't and once he has made that decision, for the most part there's nothing I can do to change it. So I text when I want and tend to forget that I'm suppose to be waiting a certain amount of time to text him back. When I REALLY like a guy and think that I'm suppose to be playing all these games I literally have to ask my friends if Im answering too quickly. I usually am. 

I think that stuff is TOTAL BULLSHIT, because either this guy wants to hang out with me or he doesn't and the time intervals at which I text him will not really effect that. Obviously smothering a guy is bad but if a guy really stops liking me as a human because I responded too hastily (like the polite girl I am) to his "what's up?" then he's a douche bag and I don't really care for his company anyway. 

I keep a small amount of faith in the fact that maybe, just maybe, a guy will meet me, get to know me and like me enough to forget about the games and just spend some time with me and then possibly turn it into a relationship if all goes smoothly. Who I am is not a girl who plays waiting games and acts like someone she's not to get a guy. I'm silly, unsexy, kind hearted, crazy me from the start because I don't want you to like me for anyone else but that person. And if no one ever likes it then that's okay.. My 50 cats will. Except they'll be dogs because I hate cats. 
After all these epiphanies I've come to realize that single and looking isn't really what I want to be right now. I'm just not in a place where I am attracting good guys or guys with anything in common with me or guys who want the same things that I want or who are willing to give me the things that I need. So I'm taking a break from it all. I recently got back on the healthy eating train and I'm going to focus on that and saving some money and eventually maybe a good guy will come along randomly and if he does and it feels right then I'll get back in the game. Until then... Game over. 

I want to focus on other things that make me happy - like this blog for example. I always feel so refreshed when I write and I need to give myself that time to write and be in my own safe space because it makes me so happy and keeps me grounded. So I'm hoping that I am officially back to writing and that I am headed towards a more healthy lifestyle and healthy mental space. 

Big Love,

Sunday, April 6

my true soul mates.

Imagine the most annoying, shrieking, jumping up and down, crazy group of drunk girls you can ever imagine... you have my friends and I.

I am blessed with friendship. I may not have my shit together and other things in my life may be a bit rough at times but one thing is for sure - friendship - GOOD friendship- is abundant in this girls life. It hit me as I entered my friends apartment to have some drinks one Saturday night. I had my roommate in tow, who hadn't been out with us in a while, and we all got excited and crazy as I surprised our other friend with her presence. Then, not much later, another friend showed up who i was beyond happy to see, and with her she had brought another good friend who was also a surprise that night. We all began jumping around the room like 4 year old girls screaming and hugging. 

I know this sounds a bit silly - we are all in our 20s and should probably relax. Here is the funny thing though - we get together quite often. I see most of these girls at least once a month, sometimes every day, but I still get giddy and excited and happy to spend a night with them doing something we have done a million times. No matter what I always cherish the time I spend with them, because I absolutely love having them in my life. 

This goes for all of my friends. After very few days apart my best friend and I will miss each other and send each other texts and start figuring out when we will see each other again and it doesn't matter what we're doing - its cool as long as I'm with them. I can sit with my friends and do absolutely nothing and even say absolutely nothing and because Im surrounded by people I adore, Im totally content.

It may sound cheesy but I am the luckiest person on the planet. I have so many friends who care about me, love me, check in on me, and root for me and I am blessed to have such amazing people to do the same for. Though I struggle sometimes with feeling sad I'm not in a relationship.. I know that I have something so special in my life that not everyone has and that is some really fucking awesome friends.

So to every single one of my friends - thank you for lifting me up and making my heart and life so full. I have no idea what I would do without you. I love you all!

Big Love,

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