Monday, April 21

I'll Text Back If I Fucking Feel Like It

Im from a generation of games. Being single and looking is the hardest game I have ever played in my life. Loving Mark was easy and being with him was easy. Not to say that it was the best relationship in the world or that there weren't rough patches because there were some real fuckin rough patches (clearly since we are broken up) but we loved each other and that was a fact.

Once Mark and I fell for each other that was just the way it was - there were no games, we just loved each other and made sure the other knew just how much. Now that I am single, I am constantly analyzing my next move, trying to be one step ahead and preparing myself for the dudes game play. It is fucking exhausting. 

It is so hard to tell if someone is interested and you can't tell either fucking way. If they aren't interested, they are never up front about it so you're left to wonder and be totally clueless. If they are interested you can't tell either, because they are acting like they aren't interested to see if you're interested or to seem uninterested so that you will become interested. WHAT THE FUCK? It is way too complicated for me. 

I'm straight up - if I like you , generally you will know. I may not shout it from the roof top but I will text you and want to hang out with you and show my interest because I think life is short and I don't have time to waste. I have all kinds of love to give and I believe in facing the music when Im into someone.. go for it, if it doesn't work, it doesnt work. 

I also  believe that a guy is either into me or he isn't and once he has made that decision, for the most part there's nothing I can do to change it. So I text when I want and tend to forget that I'm suppose to be waiting a certain amount of time to text him back. When I REALLY like a guy and think that I'm suppose to be playing all these games I literally have to ask my friends if Im answering too quickly. I usually am. 

I think that stuff is TOTAL BULLSHIT, because either this guy wants to hang out with me or he doesn't and the time intervals at which I text him will not really effect that. Obviously smothering a guy is bad but if a guy really stops liking me as a human because I responded too hastily (like the polite girl I am) to his "what's up?" then he's a douche bag and I don't really care for his company anyway. 

I keep a small amount of faith in the fact that maybe, just maybe, a guy will meet me, get to know me and like me enough to forget about the games and just spend some time with me and then possibly turn it into a relationship if all goes smoothly. Who I am is not a girl who plays waiting games and acts like someone she's not to get a guy. I'm silly, unsexy, kind hearted, crazy me from the start because I don't want you to like me for anyone else but that person. And if no one ever likes it then that's okay.. My 50 cats will. Except they'll be dogs because I hate cats. 
After all these epiphanies I've come to realize that single and looking isn't really what I want to be right now. I'm just not in a place where I am attracting good guys or guys with anything in common with me or guys who want the same things that I want or who are willing to give me the things that I need. So I'm taking a break from it all. I recently got back on the healthy eating train and I'm going to focus on that and saving some money and eventually maybe a good guy will come along randomly and if he does and it feels right then I'll get back in the game. Until then... Game over. 

I want to focus on other things that make me happy - like this blog for example. I always feel so refreshed when I write and I need to give myself that time to write and be in my own safe space because it makes me so happy and keeps me grounded. So I'm hoping that I am officially back to writing and that I am headed towards a more healthy lifestyle and healthy mental space. 


Big Love,
Bailey. 

5 comments:

  1. I onlined dated when I was single and looking in my mid twenties... I eventually dated someone for a while that was all wrong for me and we broke up. Then, I stopped looking and focused on me, my hobbies, my work, my friends... Ended up befriending a man at work who became my best friend and we're married now! So my point? I guess that sometimes the best connections happen when you aren't purposely looking!

    ReplyDelete
  2. So glad you are trying to get healthy again you were one of the people that inspired me so much and I would read your blog every week to see how you were doing...good or bad. You can do it, just takes time and lots of effort some victories and some let downs. Getting back to it is an amazing thing...Good Luck!!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  3. I was always looking for love, and always questioned everything they or I did, just like you seem to be doing. Then I had a bad experience, and swore off dating for a while, and immersed myself in work. Then I met the funniest and most wonderful person at work, and we ended up falling in love. Focus on yourself, the rest will follow.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I really like your attitude about texting, etc. There seem to be lots of women these days who want to return to "The Rules"...like those worked....I remember them from the first time around and it's just game playing. I work almost exclusively with guys and they hate those games.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I'm reading this with my class, and although this is not directly applicable to what you have described, it's worth mentioning:

    "I recently saw what has become my favorite movie, The Perks of Being a Wallflower.

    It’s a beautiful story of a troubled boy who finds hope in a seamlessly hopeless world.

    This last year I’ve spent days staring up at the sky, buried in the grass; happy.

    I’ve also spent many days and nights staring into nothing, buried in my thoughts; lost.

    As I speak for myself, I’m sure I speak for many; sometimes giving someone your everything doesn’t seem like enough. We ask ourselves, why hasn’t this been working? Or, why can’t I move on? We find ourselves in a vicious cycle of hurt and remorse.

    Why do some stay in unhealthy relationships? Why do some reject those who love them? Why are some so lucky? Why, why. why.

    The truth of it is simple: we truly do accept the love we think we deserve."

    ReplyDelete

Leave some love, questions, suggestions or links! Advice and constructive criticism always welcome but no hate and negativity if you can help it at all! Thanks in advance xx

Created by MyFitnessPal - Free Weight Loss Tools

previous blog entries.