Thursday, July 31

Temptations At Home

I've wrote on my blog about how comfortable I am on Grand Manan at my parents home -it is my safe place and where I feel most myself. This is a wonderful thing but when it comes to dieting it is not so wonderful - it has almost as many temptations for me as Taco Bell does.

When I'm in the city I find I can be quite strict and on track even though technically there would be many more options for cheating. I don't bring junk food into my home and luckily for me my roommate eats healthy as well (except she looks like a fitness model and I look like .. well....not a fitness model). If I try hard I can avoid the delicious food at work and lucky for me I'm not a big fast food person - my rule is that I must never go through a drive through alone as to not make it a habit. So fast food is a once in a while, at 3am kind of a thing for me..not much of a temptation.

But at home.. oh boy, at home. There is currently doritos, cheesecake, swedish berries and a big bowl of spaghetti here and those are just the things I've picked out in the last 12 hours - I could find way more if I looked. Theres also a large jar of rhubarb punch mix - my favorite - just waiting for me in the fridge. It's so hard!

Now just to be clear - this is not to sabotage me. This is my parents home and I'm only here for a visit every once in a while. It's their food and they didn't just buy it because they knew I was coming home. My mother bought tons of fruit and veggies and cooked me a delicious meal last night (I posted it on instagram which you should totally follow me on : beejsmallz) and is SO supportive of me every time I try to lose weight which has been hundreds of times. But it's still hard because although there is healthy food I want all the shitty food!

So today I woke up and I had some fruit and guzzled some water. I went to get my nails done then as I drove up the island I day dreamed about all the different things I could eat at my favorite restaurants on the island and when I got to my house I entertained the thought of warming up that huge bowl of spaghetti and inhaling it. Instead of eating those things though, I thought about my weigh in saturday and decided to have the best of both worlds - I put together a plate of salad and chicken and gave myself 3/4C of the spaghetti to satisfy the craving.

Some people would consider this a win, some would consider it a loss. I'm considering it a win - I'm just not at a place where I can totally avoid everything I love and make 100% on point eating decisions yet. The fact that I didn't go and get garlic fingers and actually had something healthy is a huge win. Also, like I've mentioned more than once, I never want to live without all the things I love and I stand by that - if I want some spaghetti, Im gonna eat some.

This losing weight thing is not easy, as many of you may know. In fact it's a very hard and emotional journey and there's good days and bad days and I'm just thankful I have this blog to come to when I'm struggling or triumphing or whatever it is I need an outlet for and I thank you, the readers, for being there to listen. You're the best!

So Saturday is my weigh in and I'm feeling good about it. In the weight loss world it's well known that week 2 can be weak sometimes as far as weight loss goes and I'm prepared for that. I had a huge loss last Saturday and I'm not expecting another one like that and I'm prepared to not lose anything. I have had a pretty good week though, I've been keeping up with my goals of tracking better and drinking more water and I'd be quite happy with a 2lb loss though a 4lb loss would be even better, hahah.

So wish me luck and I'll fill you all in on Saturday!

Big Love,

Saturday, July 26

My first weigh in!

Yesterday I woke up feeling light. I was at my friends place in Fredericton and as I drove back to SJ I decided I was going to get on the scale. I know I shouldn't weigh myself at home when I'm getting weighed at weight watchers but since I had decided to wait a week and a half for my first weigh in I was anxious to see how I was doing. When I arrived home, I jumped on and was very pleased at the number on the scale.

Later that day I went to work, stayed within my points but still felt kinda yucky - I ate too much within a tiny time frame and I wont be doing that again. Then I started to get nervous - was I going to screw up my weigh in (which was today) by eating so much late in the day? The panic set in.

When I woke up this morning to get ready for my weigh in before work, I was nervous. I did a bad thing and I jumped on the scale which told me I had gained .6 (from my starting weight, not what I had seen yesterday). After 10 days of eating healthy and staying within my points had I really gained? I decided I didn't even want to go to my weigh in. How embarrassing woudl that be - my first week on WW and I gained?!

Then I told myself this is why I joined - to be accountable! So I went..and I was very thankful I did. Maybe I shouldn't leave my scale by the shower cause that thing was way off - I lost 5.9lbs! I was so happy and it was motivation to keep it up.

I am so thankful I made the decision to join and finally turn things around. I haven't been perfect - I have eaten chips, drank grown up drinks and dipped into some chocolate and cheese-ball one night but I have been staying within my points and eating so much better. I feel awesome and I even had someone comment that I look like I've lost a bit of weight which may not be true but it still feels good.

I'm pretty sure I mentioned on Tuesday that I have a goal of losing 20lbs by the time we go to Florida for my cousin Katies wedding. The date is September.18th that we leave and now I only have 14.1lbs to go and I really feel like I can do it if I stick to the plan. 14lbs in 7.5 weeks is doable but I need to be consistent so keep me on my toes, friends!

This weeks goals are to be more strict with my logging and drink more water! Check in next Saturday for my 2nd weigh in! And like I said on Tuesday, if you have any good weight loss blogs I should read please share! :)

Big love,

Tuesday, July 22

Changin' It Up

Before I start this post I just want to thank everyone for reading and sharing my last post. I was totally overwhelmed by how many people could relate and felt the same and shared and connected over my post. It was a blessing to be able to write something that helped people relate and helped me sort through all the confusing feelings following Danielles death. That post reached around 5000 people which is huge for my little blog. It's as if everything about her was far reaching and affected so many easy, Danielle.

How is everyone doing? I wasn't planning to do this post this soon but I have wifi and some crazy motivation so I decided to just come out with it and maybe it will help hold me accountable. Every time I've tried to get back on track and wrote about it on my blog I've given up and wrote a post about being back on track then never followed up with it and I hate that. I know that it's totally common - it's very hard to get back on track - but I don't like feeling like I look like a failure and Id much rather be an inspiration than someone who gives up all the time but alas, I have indeed given up many times. 

So when I made this decision last week I told myself I wasn't going to write about it or really tell people for a month because I wanted to make sure I was in it for the long haul.Today marks only week and I'm itching to write about it so here it is : I joined back up with Weight Watchers last week and I am getting this fucking weight off no matter what stands in my stupid way! I signed up at the Weight Watchers Clinic here - I am not doing it on my own, I am being held accountable and getting weighed every Saturday with Kristy and my plan is to kick some ass. 

So far it's been a good week. I had one cheat night but got right back on track - damn you, cheeseball. I'm not sure how I'm doing on the scale (it's my period week so Im trying not to totally discourage myself by looking and being up) but I feel awesome! For the first time in over a year on my period, I look in the mirror and feel better about how I look. Obviously I haven't lost any inches in a week but normally I look in the mirror and I have to cry it out and take a nap so this is a big step. 

Right now I'm feeling really good about my decision. I know myself and I know there has to be a kind of breaking point before I'm ready to actually commit. I have been thinking about it and thinking about it but the truth is that sometimes you're just not ready to give up the unlimited supply of guiltless oreos and you're not ready to face the fact that you're overeating by like 10x every single day. But I'm ready and Im facing it and I feel really motivated and ready to make the appropriate sacrifices in order to feel better. 

My goals right now are small. I'd like to get back to the weight that I was when I lost it a couple of years ago. I'm not looking to be a size 4, I'm not looking to have a flat stomach and I don't plan on never eating cake again. I love food and I love going out to eat with my friends and drinking and laying on a couch eating chips and I will probably love those things forever and if I have to give up on ever being super thin in order to have those things once in a while then I will. I'm okay with never being thin and chances are I probably wont ever be super thin even if I tried really really hard so why torture myself? 

I just want to feel better in my clothes, do better things for my body and treat it with a bit more respect. I want to be more willing to get in pictures with my friends and look back on them and think "wow, that was so much fun" rather than "wow, I am disgusting". I want to have more confidence, like I used to and get back into working out because it made me feel powerful and energetic and happy. I'm not looking to be perfect.. I'm just looking to be better!

So I know I told you I joined a week ago but I didn't weigh in today.. I'm weighing in Saturday with my cousin. Saturdays will be my official weigh in day and I promise to update you all on my first week (week and a half technically) this weekend. I'm hoping for a big loss obviously, something to motivate the heck out of me, but honestly its just nice to feel good and shit normally again (major TMI, I know, but shitty normally is awesome when you usually dont). 

So I'll definitely need motivation and people checking in on me! If you ever want to shoot me a message and say, 'Are you on track today, Bail?, 'What did you have for lunch today?', or 'How was your weigh in?' please do! My mini goal is 20lbs off by the time I leave for my cousins wedding in Florida which is a huge goal so I really need to power through this next 2 months and I'll take any support I can! 

I'm also super out of the loop with weightloss blogs and such things so please leave me your own or leave me your favorites so I can be inspired by all you fabulous people!

Big Love,

Wednesday, July 16

rest in peace, #9

[I wrote this post earlier this week after the death of a young girl from my hometown. At first I didn't publish it because it's quite raw and I just didn't feel ready to share it but I decided to go ahead because maybe someone is feeling the same way I am and needs someone to relate to. ]

When I don't know how to make sense of the things in my head, the things in my heart, the world around me, etc my only place to escape to is my blog or more specifically, the way I escape is to write. For the past couple of years writing has been my way to organize my thoughts and my feelings and with each letter I type I dig deeper and deeper to get into my soul and not only express what is really going on within it but to determine what is going on within it. Sometimes I don't even know how I am truly feeling about something until I am writing about it and because of this, writing has been the most beautiful therapy for me.

So why am I writing today? Because my heart is broken and confused and I have no idea what to make of the way I feel. I knew I wouldn't be able to sort through the way I feel until I sat down and started typing so here I am. Last night there was a tragic accident in my close-knit hometown of Grand Manan. A beautiful life was taken way too soon and it has slapped me hard across the face and has had an emotional ripple effect across this island. She was someone I knew, but not someone I was close to and yet my heart breaks and my stomach lurches every couple of minutes as I remember what has happened.

My heart is big and my soul is deep - I am a woman of total emotional chaos and these things are most likely to be credited for the way I feel today and why someone like me, who is not directly affected, is heartbroken over this tragedy. Yet my experience is not unique - everyone I know, even my best friend who is thousands of miles away, is feeling this immense, inexplicable aching after her death.

An amazing young woman was taken from this earth and all I feel in the air is the sorrow and hurt surrounding my hometown. All I see are sad eyes everywhere I go, people trying to keep it together and trying to figure out how something like this can happen so unfairly. I feel the magnitude of this loss as I scroll through my facebook. My pain is not pain for myself but pain for the literal hundreds of people who's lives will never be the same because of this accident. My hurt is a paper cut in comparison to those who's lives were touched by her existance. I cry for a life stolen from someone with so much potential and I struggle because there is absolutely no sense to make of any of it.

My first instinct, although an emotional person, is to be logical about this accident. Death is inevitable and accidents happen every day, everywhere to people just as undeserving. Yet I know so many are wondering how this is fair, where is good and where is God, right now? The truth is that good exists and bad exists and how the good and the bad in this world manifests is not up to us - bad things will happen, tragedy is inevitable and we will be left to deal with it whether it is what we believe is fair or not.

After a lot of reflection I have chosen to console myself (because it is the really only person I have the control to console) by telling myself this : what I can control, when it comes to good and bad, is only how I let it manifest within myself. I can't control whether something good or bad happens to me but i can control what good and bad I put into the world. I can choose to live a life that is generous and bright like Danielles. We can choose to make better decisions, love as hard as we can and we can choose to live and celebrate every single moment of life because it is the most precious gift and it is not one without an expiry date.

If we live our lives with intention, love hard, live big and share that love and joy with everyone around us then we are doing something right, just like she did. When it is our time - which eventually, sooner or later, it will be, if we can be proud of the life we lead then there is something to be said for that. From what I know, the life that was lost last night was a FULL, amazing, loving life. She touched so many people and was such a blessing to this world and that is why there is so much hurt and pain right now. But in this tragedy there is a life to be celebrated, a wonderful, beautiful life and although that will never take away the pain that so many are feeling, there is a little bit of good to takewith the bad.

In times like these I feel an immense connection to my island. As I leave I feel a pull back to it, which if you know me you know is something I rarely feel. Although I choose to not live my life on Grand Manan there is something unique and special about a place so close knit and I am proud to be a part of a community that pulls together and holds each other tight during awful accidents like this. It is hard to explain to people why I am hurting so much when they know that I didn't have a relationship with the life lost.. you just don't get it unless you are from Grand Manan

I am leaving my heart on Grand Manan tonight and I am sending as much love and strength as I can to wrap around the island and hug it tight. My deepest condolences are with the families and friends of Danielle.. I have never known a pain like that and no one deserves to feel it.

The world just wasn't ready for you yet. Rest in Peace #9

Monday, July 7

a love worth waiting for. [Days 15-19]

Hello Lovely People!

I am using the wifi at work to catch up on the past couple days of my 100 happy days challenge. The bad news is that my data charges on my phone are going to be out of control his month due to not having wifi but the good news is that my modem is on the way and I will soon have wifi and be able to update regularly from home. Can I get an AMEN?

So I'll jump right into my updates starting back at Day 15.

Day 15. Mistake Pizza. I know food should't affect my happiness but it probably affects it more than most things. I love pizza and I love free pizza even more so when someone called and cancelled their 2 medium pizzas on friday night and the boys in the kitchen asked me if I wanted it I was over the moon. Even better? Kristy came over with some other treats and we had a little girls night which is another thing that makes me super happy. Lovely. 

Day 16. Surprise Adventures 

I was scheduled to work Sunday AM so my plans for Saturday night included work, food and a lot of sleep. At work Kristy and I started entertaining the idea of going out and before we knew it we were all dressed up and headed to the bar. I love the nights when you don't plan to do anything and it turns into a whole bunch of fun. Ended the night cuddling a very handsome guy too so.. an even better surprise! WOOP WOOP. 

Day 17. Movie Love
Yesterday I was able to see the kind of love I hope to find someday. An older couple came in, prob in their late 60's/early 70s and the man was pushing his wife in her wheelchair. As I waited on them I became more aware of her state - she was their mentally, seemed aware of the conversation and laughed along with it but she was unable to do much physically and didn't communicate much if at all. Her husband seemed very happy to be out to eat with her and sat there for over 90 minutes sharing his meal with her, feeding her and smiling at her. 

That is how I hope I love someone and that is how I hope to be loved - even when we are sick or angry or whatever I want us to be in it together to the bitter end because we dont want to spend our lives with anyone else. Over the past year or so I've kind of lost my faith in love or finding anything even close to that. I always believed so much that I was going to find this perfect love, not one without struggle but one that outlasted those struggles. Then I started seeing relationships I admire deteriorate and I was hurt over and over and people I love were hurt over and over and I started to wonder if anyone else in the world even wanted the kind of love I dreamed of. I still wonder. If there is any chance of me finding that kind of love though it's totally worth waiting for. 

I don't know whats ahead for me and I don't know if I'll ever find a beautiful love like theirs but seeing that it can exist helped me. I don't know their story - I don't know what awful things they have done to each other if any, I don't know if they have been married for years and I don't know how long he will stay by her side but I believe that it will be as long as he can and I just totally fell in love with their love yesterday. 

Day 18. Painting my Nails 
Todays Happy Moment is much lighter and more easy going than yesterdays. On my break today I decided to tackle my disgusting toenails and finger nails. I almost NEVER make time to do those little things for myself because I'm lazy and don't really care about myself enough but I was happy I did it today. I'd like to make more effort to do those sorts of things and maybe that will bring up my chances of finding that love I was talking about earlier cause my nasty ass chipped purple nail polish sure wasn't. 

So now that I've caught you up and shared my most deep, dark, depressing feelings on love I think I'll let you guys decompress because that was a bucket load. 

Remember to follow along with my 100 Happy Days not only here on my blog but through instagram. You can follow me with the username beejsmallz ( or with the hashtags #100happydays #choosehappy and/or #bailchooses happy. Let me know if you decide to take the challenge as well so I can follow you!
BIG love,

Wednesday, July 2

family, friends and free shit [Days 8-14]

Excuse my french but Holy Shit. The past week has been crazy. Between working like crazy after losing a couple of coworkers and moving into my new place, I've barely had time to sleep or breathe. I'm finally on a day off and I am on Grand Manan seeing my parents, big brother, his wife and their kids. I wasn't sure if I was going to make it but last night I surprised them and I'm so happy to be here! I really needed the time off and being able to see my family who I don't see very often is making this day off so much sweeter!

The first couple of days I missed were just too busy to make any time for blogging and the next few I was at the new place without WIFI so that's why I have missed the past week. Despite this I have definitely still been looking for things to write about and keeping track so that I can stay accountable. I am going to finish this 100 Days - no excuses!

So let's start back at last thursday.

Day 8 New Friends

Meet Vanessa! Vanessa and I work at Vitos together. Last Thursday Vanessa and I had some drinks after work and hit up karaoke. She is one of the most genuine, kind people I've ever met. I have been so lucky working at Vitos - I have made some really great friends and been able to take the friendships outside of work which is great. Everyone I work with I get along with and I'm really happy to have met everyone there, they make the job awesome! 

Day 9 Independence

I've always wanted to be super independent but I am totally not at all. I call my mom all the time for silly, embarrassing things and I always have to ask a million questions about things because I've never done them on my own. Looking for a new place and moving in has forced me to do a lot of new, grown up things that I've never done before and it's been a scary and cool experience. I definitely feel I have gained some independence through this experience and I'm totally down with that. Independent sister diva for life! (Unfortunately I literally will probably be a single diva for life)

Day 10 Free Beers (Cider..same thing) 

For those of you who don't know what Klout is, it is essentially a social media program that gives you points depending on how popular you are within social media sites such as facebook, twitter and instagram and will send you free things as your points get higher. I've received a lot of interesting things from Klout but when they sent me Molsen Canadians delicious Cider last week I was pretty thrilled! It was the day I was moving so they couldn't have come at a better time. Free beers are the best beers and I was one happy little camper! 

Day 11 Helping Hands

Sunday my father and his friend showed up to move my heavy things into my new place. I have never been more thankful for help. I had to work a split shift that day and after I went to work they moved all my furniture, etc up the 3 flights to my new apt in the blistering heat. I am so blessed to have people who are willing to help me.. I couldn't ever say thank you enough. 

Later that night, around 2:30AM, after packing and cleaning since 10pm, I was finally carrying my stuff from my car up to my new apartment. I was exhausted - more exhausted than I been in a long time - and I was on the edge of a mental breakdown.. okay, I had already had a mental breakdown. As I loaded my arms up with a couple more bags to carry upstairs, my friend Medo, a knight in shining armor, showed up out of nowhere and asked if I needed help. It was like a guardian angel had been sent to me from the heavens! He didn't know I was moving but had seen me on my way to the store and stopped in to help me. This gesture meant SO much to me and was so much easier to appreciate after having a different guy totally ditch me earlier that evening when I started to pack up my stuff. I am so glad to have Medo and my other caring, generous friends like him to help get me through life. I'd be a wreck without ya's! 

Day 12 Last minute Maddy Visits 

On Monday I was working and I got a text from Maddy asking me to call her. When I did, she asked what I was doing that night as it was Canada Day Eve and there was a lot going on in SJ. I told her I was hitting up the boardwalk with my friends and she decided to make the trip up and come out with me. Maddy is my best friend and whenever she comes to town I am the happiest person in the world so her showing up after a bit of a stressful weekend was just what I needed - I had the excited shits and everything! We had SUCH a blast Monday night celebrating Canada with all kinds of friends and I just love her so much!

Day 13 Surprises! 

So as I mentioned I came home last night and surprised my family. I love surprising and I love to be surprised so I took advantage of my chance to come home and surprise everyone. I'm not sure how surprised they were as I tend to pull shit like this a lot but it made me happy so thumbs up to that! 

Day 14 Family 

Today I have been able to hang out and see my niece and nephews and since I barely ever get to I've really enjoyed having them around. I'll be very sad to go tomorrow but I'm just thankful I was able to come home. It's always so crazy to see how they have grown and how smart and funny they are. I wish I could tell you every funny thing they say and capture it all on camera but I probably find them especially cute and awesome since they're my own. 

Tomorrow I'm headed back to the city. Im sad to leave but I'm just thankful I was able to come at all and it will be nice to get the apartment all set up and make it home. As soon as I have wifi I will be updating regularly but until then my posts will probably be scattered and combined days - sorry! Will try my best :) 

Big Love,

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