Wednesday, July 16

rest in peace, #9

[I wrote this post earlier this week after the death of a young girl from my hometown. At first I didn't publish it because it's quite raw and I just didn't feel ready to share it but I decided to go ahead because maybe someone is feeling the same way I am and needs someone to relate to. ]

When I don't know how to make sense of the things in my head, the things in my heart, the world around me, etc my only place to escape to is my blog or more specifically, the way I escape is to write. For the past couple of years writing has been my way to organize my thoughts and my feelings and with each letter I type I dig deeper and deeper to get into my soul and not only express what is really going on within it but to determine what is going on within it. Sometimes I don't even know how I am truly feeling about something until I am writing about it and because of this, writing has been the most beautiful therapy for me.

So why am I writing today? Because my heart is broken and confused and I have no idea what to make of the way I feel. I knew I wouldn't be able to sort through the way I feel until I sat down and started typing so here I am. Last night there was a tragic accident in my close-knit hometown of Grand Manan. A beautiful life was taken way too soon and it has slapped me hard across the face and has had an emotional ripple effect across this island. She was someone I knew, but not someone I was close to and yet my heart breaks and my stomach lurches every couple of minutes as I remember what has happened.

My heart is big and my soul is deep - I am a woman of total emotional chaos and these things are most likely to be credited for the way I feel today and why someone like me, who is not directly affected, is heartbroken over this tragedy. Yet my experience is not unique - everyone I know, even my best friend who is thousands of miles away, is feeling this immense, inexplicable aching after her death.

An amazing young woman was taken from this earth and all I feel in the air is the sorrow and hurt surrounding my hometown. All I see are sad eyes everywhere I go, people trying to keep it together and trying to figure out how something like this can happen so unfairly. I feel the magnitude of this loss as I scroll through my facebook. My pain is not pain for myself but pain for the literal hundreds of people who's lives will never be the same because of this accident. My hurt is a paper cut in comparison to those who's lives were touched by her existance. I cry for a life stolen from someone with so much potential and I struggle because there is absolutely no sense to make of any of it.

My first instinct, although an emotional person, is to be logical about this accident. Death is inevitable and accidents happen every day, everywhere to people just as undeserving. Yet I know so many are wondering how this is fair, where is good and where is God, right now? The truth is that good exists and bad exists and how the good and the bad in this world manifests is not up to us - bad things will happen, tragedy is inevitable and we will be left to deal with it whether it is what we believe is fair or not.

After a lot of reflection I have chosen to console myself (because it is the really only person I have the control to console) by telling myself this : what I can control, when it comes to good and bad, is only how I let it manifest within myself. I can't control whether something good or bad happens to me but i can control what good and bad I put into the world. I can choose to live a life that is generous and bright like Danielles. We can choose to make better decisions, love as hard as we can and we can choose to live and celebrate every single moment of life because it is the most precious gift and it is not one without an expiry date.

If we live our lives with intention, love hard, live big and share that love and joy with everyone around us then we are doing something right, just like she did. When it is our time - which eventually, sooner or later, it will be, if we can be proud of the life we lead then there is something to be said for that. From what I know, the life that was lost last night was a FULL, amazing, loving life. She touched so many people and was such a blessing to this world and that is why there is so much hurt and pain right now. But in this tragedy there is a life to be celebrated, a wonderful, beautiful life and although that will never take away the pain that so many are feeling, there is a little bit of good to takewith the bad.

In times like these I feel an immense connection to my island. As I leave I feel a pull back to it, which if you know me you know is something I rarely feel. Although I choose to not live my life on Grand Manan there is something unique and special about a place so close knit and I am proud to be a part of a community that pulls together and holds each other tight during awful accidents like this. It is hard to explain to people why I am hurting so much when they know that I didn't have a relationship with the life lost.. you just don't get it unless you are from Grand Manan

I am leaving my heart on Grand Manan tonight and I am sending as much love and strength as I can to wrap around the island and hug it tight. My deepest condolences are with the families and friends of Danielle.. I have never known a pain like that and no one deserves to feel it.

The world just wasn't ready for you yet. Rest in Peace #9

6 comments:

  1. Bailey I was deeply touched by your words, it was simply truth of what life brings to all of us and how we choose to travel that path

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  2. Your Blog is so true, being an island girl who has chosen to live her life here, We are a unit and we do feel each other's pain, it doesn't matter if we are here or away; the connection is always there.

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  3. Well said. Danielle was an inspiring young woman. My heart aches for her family and friends. <3

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  4. Good and bad, yes. Without death our resurrection would cause us to yawn, but when apparent tragedy of death is thrown into the mix, we will be thrilled beyond imagination. The Mind that has set up this playing field of life and death, darkness and light, good and evil, thrill and despair has thought this through and I'm quite sure this is FOR us, not to us. In light of this, which is the principle of contrast we would languish in the madness but maybe we ought to see this as method, not madness. The resurrection is going to thrill us because of the contrast we are now experiencing.

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