Tuesday, August 26

It Happened To Me : I Was Unknowingly The Other Woman

I should probably start this post with an apology. I'm sorry I have been AWOL for the past 2-3 weeks. You know those times when I get emotionally constipated? Yeah. It's one of those times (tonight Im taking an emotional shit) If you're curious about weight watchers - I gained, I lost and then this week I barely lost with a big .1 loss (so much better than a gain though.) I've lost around 7lbs and really need to kick some ass before going to Florida and that's just the truth.  Anyways.. so not whats on my mind tonight but I totally owed anyone who follows my weight loss stuff the truth.

Tonight I looked at my cousin during one of our serious life chats about the shitty men in our lives and I asked, "Would it be totally crazy if I blogged about that time I was the other woman?". She looked at me as if she was trying to figure out an honest answer that wasn't "Yes, it's totally fucking insane, you nut case.". The truth is that it's crazy. It's not that I would lie about it but most people don't go writing all over the world wide web, that is available to absolutely everyone, that they were "The Other Woman"..it's just not what people do.

But this is my blog and I'm not like other people. This is my blog where I am so intensely honest about so much crazy shit that it has felt almost wrong leaving this chunk of my life out of  it - a chunk that has shook me to my core and shaped my self worth into a large, poisonous beast. This is my place.. my place to be bailey, for better or for worse and my place where I have found so much solace and connection and peace by laying it all out on the table for whoever feels like reading.

So I said fuck it.

I met Sam* years ago and though we hit it off and had a few interesting conversations, I never saw anything panning out with him. I had a boyfriend with whom at the time I absolutely adored and Sam turned into just some guy I had on my facebook - someone I never saw again after we met. After my devastating break up and a move to Saint John which he was aware of he began to ask me to hang out and I wasn't particularly interested. I had been warned, by people who cared about me aka people I should have fucking listened to, that hanging out with Sam was not a good idea and I believed them but was very weak and naive.

I was headstrong at first because though he claimed to be single and very interested in hanging out with me, I knew people were warning me for a reason and had learned in my past relationship that you can't really trust anyone. On top of that, I was not particularly interested and found he came on just a bit too strong for my liking. But I was lonely, very lonely and extremely vulnerable, so I eventually succumbed and started hanging out with him once in a while. A couple of my friends met him and liked him which made me feel like maybe I shouldn't be such a hard ass.. maybe he was a good guy, maybe I was a bit too callous from my last relationship.

I will be honest - I got very lucky and never fell for this guy, praise the sweet baby Jesus. I did enjoy him as a person though and I certainly had a bit of an attachment to the attention I was given and so not use to after being single for almost a year. The signs started to show though.. this guy had something going on. It was the little things I started noticing - girly things in his car, ignoring phones calls and a facebook profile that was just a BIT too private ( serious tell-tale signs ladies and gents.. be smart!) Then he admitted there was an "ex".. I knew I was in too deep, I knew I was in trouble.

Then, after not hearing from him for a couple days it happened - I saw them together. My heart did not break for myself.. my heart broke for her, a girl who most likely genuinely cared about him. Though I did NOT have sex with him (I really didn't), I felt more guilt than I had ever had in my life. Did she know? Was she hurt? Though we didn't have sex, no one wants their boyfriend hanging out with another girl and they definitely don't want him saying he's single to other girls. Then I felt even more guilty when (very) few times I had contact with him, knowing for sure that he had a girlfriend, choosing to stupidly believe the lies about break ups and villainous stories of her.

It was a short lived, confusing time in my life. Eventually we stopped having any contact and it has been months since I spoke to him. I started seeing them out together more and occasionally I saw only her and I would feel sick for days after. I eventually knew that she knew about me and we did end up briefly talking. She told my cousin she hated me and wanted to hit me.. if you know me, you know I would not fair well if someone hit me... I'd panic and probably cry. She was way too cordial to me for not ever having heard my side of the story and I'm grateful for that. After all, my face is the money maker. Just kidding.

A couple weeks later I got my chance and we talked. After a scuffle between Sam* and his girlfriend that I happened upon, I approached her. I stayed outside the bar with her, even knowing she most likely had a deep hate for me, and we were very honest with each other.  She told me about the other versions of me that were currently inside the bar, that he had bought drinks for that night, right in front of her.  I sat with her and told her profusely how much better she deserved, how sorry I was and someday I hope she too will see how much better she deserves to be treated and I hope he will see it too. I will never stop feeling guilty, I will never be okay with it, but I know now that she knows I would do anything to go back and change everything and I would've never knowingly hurt her or anyone else. I've been her.. and the the fact that I have now been the other girl just really fucks with my head.

Deep down you hope that the girlfriend is awful.. you hope she is ugly, you hope she is evil, you hope she treats him more badly than he treats her and that you will never see her as a human with feelings who loves someone. Instead she's beautiful, smart and you feel absolutely awful that you somehow caused her pain because you see how desperately in love she is and you remember how inexplicably painful it is to be in her shoes. Then you feel thankful she didn't punch you in the fucking head.

As for me... I'm pretty fucked up from it. You go from a guy making you feel like maybe you're pretty and maybe you're fun to be around and maybe you're worthy of being a girlfriend to feeling like you're just some disgusting, pathetic, desperate piece of shit that a guy picked out of a crowd when he needed extra attention outside of his relationship. The truth is that I'm not special and after that night at the bar, when she told me of the girl inside he was buying drinks for, I knew it could've been anyone and it was simply my misfortune that it had to be me. Though I didn't wish for him to have feelings for me it still felt like shit.. I had never felt so worthless.

My self esteem has taken a huge hit. I have always tried to be a kind, thoughtful, honest person and a kind, thoughtful, honest woman doesn't have inappropriate relationships with men or women in serious relationships. I worry that deep down I'm not as good of a person as I thought I was and as I want to be and I have really tried to improve myself as a person since this happened.

As a girl who is bigger I already worry enough about my body and now I wonder if men just see me as a cheap, easy, thrill. Do they think I'm easy? Do they think I'll sleep with anyone because I must have a hard enough time getting men to sleep with me let alone be able to find guy who wants to take me on a date, treat me well and have a relationship with me?

The truth is that I can't get anyone to take me on a date. I can't find a guy who likes my body or will suffer through it on a couple of dates. And I know there are men who like bigger girls but I haven't come across very many and believe me, it's not easy to.

This weekend a guy gave me some surprising advice. He told me that men are shallow, to which I enthusiastically agreed, and he told me to be patient. He said I was gorgeous, and awesome and eventually I'm going to find a perfect guy for me, he's going to love me for me and that will be that.

I've decided to grow from my experience being the other woman. I've decided to take this guys much appreciated advice (that I really really am so thankful for) and I've decided to be much more choosy with the men I choose to invest my time and effort into. I have a habit of attracting men like Sam - men who see my vulnerability, men who sense my lack of self esteem and men who are going to take advantage of the fact that I have a big heart and just want to love anyone and let anyone into my life and hope for the best.

I deleted a LOT of people from my phone, a couple from my facebook and have made a serious pact with myself to start respecting myself and to stop casually sleeping with the guy who can't even answer "Are you okay" messages when I find out he's been hurt. Caring about people who don't even respect you enough to reply to your messages is too hard on the damn head.

I'm going to stop hoping for the best with men and realize that until they've proven themselves to me, I have no reason to trust them or believe they want anything from me besides sex and a quick goodbye while remaining open to the fact that someday I am going to find a GOOD man who loves me for me and doesn't "suffer through" my body. Because Sam was not the only man with a significant other who I've hung out with or talked to to later find out he was not single. Some men (and women) absolutely suck..100%...I'm surprised I don't hate men as a whole, not going to lie.

I will not be sleeping with anyone casually (I have only slept with 3 people so it's not like it's something I do on the reg) and I will be requiring dates and talking and connecting before other parts connect. Although I am a fan of sex and so not against casual sex, its just not what Im looking for and I'm ready for a healthy relationship with someone who is single.. (crazy idea, I know).

I totally need to start loving myself. I need to start respecting myself. I need to cliche it up and "do me" and believe that the guy I talked to this weekend knew what he was talking about and hope that a good guy comes along and thinks Im worth it. I'm kinda hoping for it sooner than later..just sayin'.

Most of all I need to forgive myself. I cannot take the entire blame for what happened because some people just plain suck and although I made a couple mistakes, I never meant to hurt anyone and I will do everything in my power to make sure I never hurt someone like that again. I am so lucky to have her forgiveness - she is truly an awesome person and her giving me the chance to give her my side of things was not something she had to do and I am forever grateful for that chance. It has helped me heal so much and I hope she finds the happiness she deserves.

So friends, I hope you aren't judging me for this and I am so thankful I have such an accepting awesome following that I feel comfortable enough to admit this too. I hope you will hold me accountable for my pacts and promises I have made to myself tonight. They say fake it til you make it  and I am going to fake loving myself, my body and fake feeling like I deserve an awesome relationship until it's all the truth to me. Life is too short to be at war with yourself and it's high time I find some peace with Bailey J.

Big love to you all.. I love you so much,
Bailey J

*Names were changed and I won't be disclosing any real names of anyone mentioned in this post. 

Sunday, August 3

Weigh In [Week 2]

I'm a little late posting this, my bad, but I worked all weekend and I tend to sleep on my work breaks (even though I come home with every intention to clean, cook, write or read).

Anyways, yesterday Kristy (my cousin who goes to WW with me) called around 10 and asked if I wanted to go weigh in early then grab a bite to eat. We had gone out the night before so I was more than happy to grab some food asap. The weigh in went well - I was down 2.2lbs and like I said in my last post I'm more than happy with a 2lb loss (or any loss) after a big first week!

So now I am down a total of 8.1lbs since joining weight watchers and feeling wonderful about it. My weekend was pretty off track so I know I need to refocus and have a solid week. If I want to reach my goal of losing 20lbs before we head to Florida then I need to be super focused and on track. I have 11.9lbs to lose in 6 weeks and 2lbs a week would be a super steady and impressive weight loss. If you've followed my blog before it's usually anything but steady... its always up and down for me so I have to be hardcore. Im really motivated though and I know if I stick to the plan I can get there.

This week I'm challenging myself to be a little more creative and find some fun and healthy recipes so I don't get bored of my meals. I am so not a cook so I'm pretty basic but I don't want to eat the same thing every day so I need to suck it up and whip something easy up. Any ideas? Please comment!

Thanks to everyone who has been supporting me the last couple of weeks - it means so much to me! If you have advice to give or a story to share - anything! - please do not hesitate to message me because I love connecting with my readers!

Big Love,
Bailey J 

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