Sunday, December 28

the comeback : 2014 in review

Today I was compelled to sit down and write. I'm compelled a lot of days to write, in fact I think most days I would like to sit down and talk about what's going on with me or how I feel about something of zero importance but the difference between those days and this day is that I actually sat down and did it today for the first time in a really long time. The other difference is that I'm home, at my parents home, in the room I grew up in which I'm pretty sure has something to do with the fact that I'm actually writing. I started writing in this room, I wrote most of my blogs up until January in this room and maybe there is a certain comfort about the atmosphere that probes me to write. Maybe today is just the day I decided to come back to my blog. I guess we'll never know.

2014 has been a crazy year and every time I reflect I also consider that maybe every year is a crazy year because life is kind of a crazy life. I've had a lot of highs, a lot of really great times but I've had my share of lows and some of those lows included unfortunately having friends experience some real lows. Like I said - crazy crazy life.

Something I've never talked much about on my blog or with people outside of my close friends circle is the fact that I struggle emotionally quite often. I don't like to label myself as depressed because a lot of the time I'm not but the truth is that when I'm low I get super low. This year I had a lot of bad lows and as things progressed I lost touch with my blog because writing about it seemed too painful and acting like I was fine seemed totally out of character for who I am as a writer - I try to be as honest as I possibly can.

For me I feel I just have an imbalance that causes me to be really low when I get down, like I said, but doesn't keep me down for extended periods of time. I think much of my sadness is situational (which should be a word but its not fyi) and I eventually get through those times and I'm mostly fine when I'm not in those episodes of total misery. The issue is that I get so low that it's scary and in my opinion not particularly healthy. I tend to not want people to worry about me and I also feel a bit embarrassed when I'm at that point so I try to keep it all inside until it's gone which is also pretty unhealthy. Sometimes all I need to do is talk to someone and I start feeling better but getting to the point of talking to someone is the hard part. Fortunately I have a really wonderful support system and I generally come out on top of things.

I'm not writing this for sympathy as I have a really wonderful life and I'm honestly quite lucky that my sadness is kind of controlled and I have this amazing group of friends and family who keep me going. I'm just writing this because it's my truth and its my life and maybe someone can relate and wants to chat about it and also it's a huge reason why I've abandoned my blog in the last year which is one of the hardest parts for me. When I consider that it's made me abandon something I love so much I feel a bit resentful of it but.. this is just who I am and as I grow I will learn to deal with it as best I can.

When I say it is who I am I don't mean it is all of who I am, though. Some people know me as a friendly and outgoing girl and that is totally who I am as well, I'm just that girl who also gets kinda sad sometimes. Right now I'm in kind of a crazy period of my life which is lasting a really long time and hopefully will not be my general state until I die. I'm just like forever searching to figure out what my mission is and who I'm suppose to be and how i'm going to figure it out and then be that purpose. It's a little exhausting and super scary.

I've spent a lot of the last year wondering what my next step is and feeling like I'm not adding up to anything and like my life is super stagnant. I feel ready for a change and I want to be something more but I have no idea what the next step is and it's super frustrating. I've always felt like I could do more with my life but I have never had a clue what more would or could be. I'm constantly trying to figure out what I'm good at and what my passion is but I lack the confidence to pursue any of my passions which basically tells me that I'm holding myself back. I've conditioned myself to feel like I am as much as I'll ever be which kind of keeps me stuck.

I hope to find out eventually and maybe 2015 will be my year. I really want to work on myself this coming year and just be the best version of me I possibly can. I want to be healthier and wiser and more kind.. those are kind of my goals for the year. I know people think the whole "new year, new me" thing is bullshit but you've gotta start somewhere and theres nothing wrong with having a starting point to start reaching for your goals.

I mentioned earlier that this year has had a lot of highs and they definitely deserved to be celebrated!

In 2014 I moved to Saint John and it was one of the best decisions I've ever made!

In 2014 I started my job at Vitos which I absolutely love! (see awesome vitos crew below)


In 2014 I learned some amazing lessons.. like a lot of really good lessons!

In 2014 I made some amazing new friends who have made me better!

In 2014 I went on my very first date and a couple other ones as well!

In 2014 I fell in love but with neither of those people but it was still awesome!

In 2014 I learned I could still fall in love after having a rough go at er the first time. Again - awesome!

In 2014 I moved into a new place and eventually had a roommate who has blessed my life in so many ways!
In 2014 I had sex with two new people and it was awesome! Sex is pretty great.

In 2014 I had my first and only one night stand. (Top 10 best nights of my life btw.)

In 2014 I was able to form a friendship with my cousin that has become one of the best friendships I've ever had and I am so thankful for it!


In 2014 I took out my first loan and bought myself a car that wasn't on its death bed.

In 2014 I went to Florida with my family to see my cousin get married!



In 2014 I accomplished my life long dream of seeing The Backstreet Boys in concert ( Also top 10 best nights of my life)

In 2014 I partied... a lot.. and it was a lot of fun.



It's been quite a year and I'm happy to celebrate it and not particularly sad to say good bye. I'm looking forward to whats ahead.. lifes full of surprises. My big goal is to blog more because it makes me feel so much better - I absolutely love my blog!

Stay tuned for new years goals and hopefully some documentation of me getting back on track! Thanks for always supporting me and my blog guys!

Big Love,
Bailey 

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previous blog entries.