Thursday, December 31

2015 : the year I grew to love myself

Today I was looking through my blog dashboard and realized a startling fact : I only wrote about 16 blog posts in all of 2015 - 13 of which I actually published (the one confessing my story of falling in love was a bit much - thought better than to post that shit). Once a month compared to up to 7 times a month in previous years blew my mind - what had changed in the last 1-3 years to make me stray from my blog?

Well, for starters, I am a much busier lady than I was when I was living on Grand Manan with not a whole lot to do besides write BUT I definitely have more than one chance every month to sit down and talk about my (many, many) feelings. I also have more chances than once a month to vacuum and make my bed but I didn't do much of that either in 2015. Deep down I know it has a lot to do with the fact that, though I wrote the least in the past two years, I had received the most negative comments on my blog in the last two years as well. As you tweet, instagram and facebook more about your blog and as more people follow your blog, the more likely it is that someone is going to disagree with you or just try to hate on what you're saying - thats just plain ole' statistics. But I hadn't ever received much negativity (by some stroke of fucking luck) and it was hard for me, especially since it was mostly people putting words into my mouth which I found pretty unfair. Alas, I pulled up my big girl panties and moved on from that (but Im still bitter and you are still rude!)

Then there were, and still are, the creepy comments on and off from a reader (or at least a person who reads my tweets and then ignores the actual message of my posts and comments regardless) that have turned my blog from my safe haven into a place where I don't feel comfortable to write any of my candid and outrageous thoughts or feelings. (How's that for a run on sentence from hell?) And how am I suppose to post pictures of myself or write about personal things when I know what I will be opening my account to quickly after? Just when I am comfortable posting again, I open my account to some totally inappropriate comment waiting to be approved. It pisses me off that I've let someone take this away from me and I'm working on moving past it.

So I haven't been writing much this year mostly due to these reasons, but I have done a lot of work on myself. Part of me wishes I had written more and documented my journey but the fact that it happened at all is a blessing. This year I worked my ass off, at least my mental ass, to learn to be okay with myself and come to terms with who I am inside and out. Being true to myself, especially in the past couple of months, has become a serious priority to me. I wanted to write about it because if it helps or inspires one person to look inside themselves and start the journey of self love and acceptance and truth, then it will be worth the time and emotion and risk of you guys thinking I've gone completely kookoo. I don't mind spilling my weirdo feelings to this blog if there's some sort of good that comes from it - the feels will be felt regardless!

I've spent most of my life feeling pretty inadequate, unattractive and a tad stupid. The moments when I felt like I may just be pretty or enough were usually alcohol induced, social media induced or the 3 days where some idiot acted like he liked me. As much as I declared, or even believed that it didn't, my own opinion of myself depended on others opinions of me - friends, peers, relatives, boys, teachers..anyone really. I did the "I dont care what people think" thing for a long time in high school and after but I totally cared and still do to a certain degree.

After years of diets and tears and more diets and even more tears, I started to come around to the idea that maybe being skinny wasn't the answer to all lifes questions and sadness. Maybe, just maybe, I could be happy and even learn to like myself if I wasn't thin or pretty or smart..if I was just plain ole' me. I think the fabulous movements being pioneered by people like Tess Holiday and Whitney Thore really helped inspire me to look beyond my obvious weight 'problem'. It started with following a lot of very strong, independent, motivated, passionate, smart women through twitter, blogs and instagram  women who loved everything good and bad about themselves and without apology. I started to discover so many plus size women who were proud of their bodies and who were sassy and fabulous and it became something I aspired to be.

I hate to say that I woke up one day and decided to be fabulous but it does sort of feel that way. I came to a big realization : my feelings about myself are completely in my own hands. I get to choose if I love myself, I get to choose if I feel pretty, I get to choose if I feel h a p p y - at least for the most part. I hate to admit it but I honestly had been waiting for some guy to come sweep me off my feet and I thought Id just automatically start loving myself and feel beautiful. I was living in a dream world - I needed to love myself first, not wait for someone to give me the fucking go ahead. Ironically, almost any guy I met in the last couple of years had made me feel worse because I attracted men who didn't respect me because of my own lack of self respect.

So I started working on myself because it turns out that's where it all starts. I knew I had to do it for me and without anyone else's approval or help. I wanted to truly believe it and see the good in myself. I knew it would take some time but the fact that I have awesome family and friends who see good in me pushed me to find it for myself. (I seriously cant thank the people who love me enough.)I know it sounds silly but I started giving myself serious pep talks. I would often strip naked, look in the mirror and tell myself I was beautiful and worthy and I did it over and over and over and I still do it, especially when I'm feeling not so fierce. Fake it til you make it people.

I started buying clothes that made me feel good and I didn't buy clothes that "girls like me" should wear to hide the undesirable parts of myself. I bought whatever I thought was cute and wanted to rock. I took pictures of myself and I immersed myself into the plus size instagram diva pool and disregarded anyone who thought I was using too many hashtags. It felt good to be a part of something so positive and other peoples confidence was totally contagious.

Now - I know that being and/or feeling beautiful is not the most important thing in the world. The first part of my journey had a lot to do with feeling good about the outside and I realize that 1)this is not important to everyone and b) feeling good about who you are on the inside is equally, if not way more important than being down with how fabulous you are on the outside. If you don't care about being or feeling like a sexy lady or man, that's totally reasonable - I just personally enjoy feelin' like a sexy lady and this is my blog so I wrote about it. I believe you need to find what makes you feel good about you, what gives you purpose and pride and then hone in on it and work on flexin' that muscle. It was important to me to feel cool with my body and in my own skin so it was certainly a focus when I started this journey and will be something I always strive to feel good about.

Like I said though, there's lot's of work to do on the inside too and I do know that and value that. I have definitely taken some steps that I'm super proud of. My big issue is, and has been, that sometimes I don't feel worthy - worthy of being treated well or finding a nice guy or having the things I want or worthy of feeling all this lovin' Im trying to have for myself. I'd be a liar if I said that I haven't had a ton of weak moments- those are always going to happen. Do I have bad days? Absolutely. I have days where I look in the mirror and just cry because I can't think of one fucking thing that is good about myself and I wonder if anyone is ever going to love me (most of these days are period induced.. I am a wild woman before my period) But I rise above that shit because there's no use in feeling that way about myself when I have to live life as Bailey, in this body for the rest of my life. What good does it do to wallow in self pity?

So that's why when I do the ole naked affirmations I tell myself I am worthy - because we are all worthy of happiness and love. We deserve to see the good in ourselves and we deserve to be privy to the beautiful imperfections we possess. A large part of discovering and evolving my own self worth is being the best me possible. It is important to me, going into 2016, to start working towards being a version of myself that is aligned with who I would like to be - the best version of me. This includes being kinder to myself and to others, working harder, creating goals and working towards them, focusing on my important relationships, being generous, lifting people up, removing myself from toxic situations and relationships and hopefully getting really nice eyebrows at some point (very crucial to being a great me). I'd also like to work on being a little stronger and maybe not so sensitive (but I don't see that happening in the near future lol).

In order to make my life a little more positive, I've had to make room for it. I have tried to start doing things that I am so not used to doing such as standing up for myself, being a little more strict on who I let into my life - specifically men who I'm interested in dating and letting friendships that maybe weren't serving me or the other person anymore fade away instead of wasting energy into keeping them alive. I have realized it's not selfish to surround yourself with people who are good for you and who you are good for - its healthy. Standing up for myself, other people and what is right is something I hope to focus more on going into 2016 as well.

I realize that not everyone is going to be supportive of how I evolve as a person. The people who I love and love me back, who support me and are down with the person I am and will become will be around and I hope to attract and meet even more people who will be healthy and compatible for me and my journey as a person. The people who aren't? Well they will just naturally grow apart from me if I haven't told them to leave me the fuck alone before it happens naturally. I've decided that this is cool with me and though sometimes it can suck a bit, its generally for the best.

In summation, after this very long speech, I just want anyone reading this to know that its all up to you. The power lies within you - how you feel about yourself, how you let people make you feel..its up to you! Yes, you are going to hurt and be hurt, we are human after all. You can let yourself drown in it or you can have your moment of being hurt and then rise above it. Most importantly, you deserve to rise above the shitty things that happen, and maybe even the shitty things that you do. You deserve to grow as a person, you deserve to move on, you deserve to feel worthy because you ARE worthy and you deserve to feel happiness. We all do and the power to do so lies within us.

And YES I know I sound like a bit of a hippy on a wild trip but I'm a hippy who is cool with herself and loves herself and is able to love everyone else more because of it. Life is still going to be shitty and bad things are going to happen but these things are so much easier to deal with when you are right with yourself and you've found yourself worthy of surrounding yourself with good people to help you through those shitty times. I'm willing to sound crazy to some in order to provoke a powerful realization in others. People are gonna know I'm a little crazy anyway, it may as well be for a purpose.

So that's where I'm at as we enter the new year. I think New Years Resolutions are a little silly and we rarely stick to them but I do think it's a great time of year to feed off the energy of possible change and evolution and if you wanna hop on the train to a better, stronger, more confident, smart etc you, its a great time of year to do so! There is no time like the present.

Thank you so much to the people who love me and do not stifle me in the least. I seriously have the best friends and family and even acquaintances ever, I am a very lucky lady!

Big, ginormous love,

Sunday, October 11

Please Stop Asking Why I Dont Date White Men

If that title didn't get you here, I don't know what would. I've always wanted to write this post but it's kind of a weird and touchy subject so I never tackled it. After the same "Why don't you give a white guy a chance" conversation 3 times in one week, I decided it was time. The running joke about me is that I like brown guys. If you're in my friend circle or we are acquaintances you probably know this or have heard one of my friends crack a joke about it. I've never been in a relationship with a white guy and every time I have a date my mother asks me where he's from. It's just the way it goes.

Here's some fun facts about me : My first kiss was when I was 17, I've only had one real relationship and to this day I just do not have luck with men. I joke around that men hate me but I've always felt like there's a bit of truth to it - I repel them. I never had boys who liked me in high school and now I don't have much luck either. I don't know if it's me, if its the way I look or if it's a sexy combination of the two but my luck with men is non existent.

When I graduated I took a trip to Guatemala to volunteer in an Orphanage for a couple of months. My life totally changed there when I discovered among many things that men did not in fact hate me, at least not in Latin America and that some men even thought I was, GASP, pretty. It was mind blowing.

Living in a country where I was getting attention from men was exhilarating and overwhelming. I had a lot of fun and made some mistakes and learned some lessons that I would not have had I been living on Grand Manan. When I came home I went back to being plain old me and worked until I could go on a trip again. Meanwhile I met Mark and moved in with him a couple years later.

Since my break up with Mark I've met a lot of men who were raised in different societies and have different definitions of what beautiful is. Mark never thought I was beautiful and I always felt as if he simply tolerated my body - it was made clear I wasn't exactly what he wanted through out our relationship. Being exposed to men who don't necessarily see my body as disgusting but beautiful has been a confidence builder and has helped me come to love  and appreciate my body for what it is - it took a long time and a lot of hard work to get to this place. I had always seen my body as something to be put up with - maybe a man could love me through it - and now I see it as something to be celebrated. That's a big deal. Up until recently I had been made to feel like I was disgusting which is so not okay - no one should ever feel that way, no matter what!

So here is why I want to stop being asked why I don't date white men : because white men don't date me. I am a very open minded person and I would go on a date with almost anyone who asked politely and seemed genuine. It's actually kind of offensive when people ask me why I only date black guys or why I don't date white men. White men don't even notice I'm alive let alone ask me on dates - they bump into me because they don't notice I'm there or they notice who I'm with and talk to me as a way to talk to a girlfriend. This is fine.. but I don't like being treated like I shut someone out when there's never been an opportunity there to give it a chance.

I don't know why it is this way and I don't know if I care. I think there's a lot of stigma around dating girls who aren't thin and I'm living in a tiny city with limited options and close minded people. My dating pool is tiny.. more like a kiddy dating pool but not in a weird way. It is what it is. Right now absolutely no one is asking me out but if they were, their race or height or weight etc would be irrelevant. I want to meet someone who is ambitious and hard working and funny and who treats me with respect - if you meet this criteria and you're purple, I'll give it a go.

So in summation, yes, I've hung around a lot of guys who were not Caucasian and yes, I kind of prefer tall, dark and handsome men. If a tall, dark, handsome man thought you were beautiful and was chasing you - making you feel desired- you wouldn't be turning it down either, I promise. But that doesn't mean "I dont date white men" it means someone else put them self out there and I obliged.

If you've asked me this question and are now wondering if it offended me - don't worry about it. It's a running joke that I actively participate in. What you can do is set me up with a nice guy you know and all will be forgiven.

As always, Big Love,

Wednesday, August 12

The Scoop

Hello blogosphere friends and real life friends alike who support my blog - I really love you guys and I don't tell you enough! I am a lucky gal - I have such a good group of people behind me at all times and I know how blessed I am. Thank you!

I really am trying to do this blog thing more often and I'm impressed I'm writing again only 11 days after my last post instead of 11 weeks. Writing is some serious therapy for me and I always feel more content after I've made some time to do it. Today I just wanted to write a post of what's been going on and how my life is going these days.

As a follow up to my last post, I am still on the "find a guy who respects me" track and I'm quite proud of myself. Do I think I'm any closer to finding myself a guy who's good for me? No, not really. But I haven't had to deal with any bullshit in over a month and that part is totally worth it. Avoiding men who are bad for me is almost as good as finding one who is good for me. I'm lonely and I could use a cuddle but I'm doing alright!

I'm honestly too busy most of the time to think about being lonely. I don't think I really touched on this in a previous blog but I am now working two jobs. I'm still full time at Vitos but about 5 months ago I applied for a part time job at SensationO - a local store that specializes in sex toys, lingerie, etc. Although my interview went great, the job was ultimately given to someone with more experience (now that I know her, she totally deserved it - shes amazing.) A couple of months later in June, they called to offer me a part time position as a different girl was leaving and they were in a bind. I nervously accepted!

The job has been awesome for me in many ways. For one thing, it is extremely educational - there is a lot to learn. I was previously in a relationship that was complicated and instead of empowering me as a sexual being, shamed me for being one. This job has been a part of a healing process for me as that relationship left me a little fucked up and I am grateful for the opportunity to work there. It is a great change in pace -it is much more laid back than waiting on people at the restaurant. Although it keeps me extremely busy, I am happy to be working both places and I can pay all my bills which is quite lovely.

I would also like to mention that the store is amazing - if you live in the area you need to stop in if you haven't already. If you prefer to go when I'm not there for privacy, or if you'd feel more comfortable with someone you know, feel free to ask me what my hours are. This should go without saying but what happens in the store stays in the store - I would never repeat who i see in there outside of the store. It's not my style to do that nor is it my business and I truly love my job there and would not risk it.

My other big life news is that I am back on weight watchers as of two weeks ago. I'm one of those people who needs to have a breaking point - I can start every day for months but until I have a point where I just decide I'm all in, it's not going to work. I recently had my breaking point where it just kind of clicked and I decided I'd go join with two of my friends.

For the first time it's a much more relaxed and casual decision. I wasn't laying in a pile of cake and cookies half naked crying over my stomach rolls - I just knew that it was a logical decision. Basically, I am trying to slowly lose weight over the next year in time for my best friends wedding and weight watchers works. My goal is to lose 50 lbs by August so about 1 pound a week which is pretty attainable. I really have about 80lbs to lose to be at a healthy weight but I'm just starting to love my body as it is and I don't really feel the need to be super skinny - I just want to feel a little better and look nice for Tams wedding.

My first week I did what I wanted to do and lost 1.3lbs. Normally on your first week you have a big loss but my first weigh in was the day after I got over that crazy stomach flu that was going around so I knew I was already down a couple pounds. I was happy with 1.3 and I'll be happy with 1.3 any week as long as its not a gain. I went yesterday for my second weigh in and lost 5.1 which was pretty exciting. I had a really good week and I'm working hard so it was kind of fun to see it pay off.

After my weigh in, it was extremely fun to have my cheat day. On tuesdays, I don't track and I try to have something sweet and eat something I've been craving. I had pasta at lunch and it was divine then after work last night Josh and I got A&W and ice cream and it was absolutely magical. Today I'm back on track though and looking forward to next Tuesday. Any suggestions for what I should eat?

So basically life is just work, sleep, watching greys anatomy and sex and the city and eating salad. It's usually not too bad but I'll be  happy when I have more of a social life someday.

I also want to mention I'm super active on instagram these days so follow me and I'll follow you and we will be instagrammy together. @beingbaileyj

Big Love,
Bailey J

PS. I'm blonde! Ish!

Saturday, August 1

(No More) Sex and The City

I've recently began watching Sex and the City from start to finish. Although I would consider it one of my favorite shows and I've seen most of the episodes before now (many several times as well as the movies over and over and over), I've never actually watched them in order from start to finish. When my roommate moved in, she brought with her an apple tv type machine that plays series and shows and movies from her computer and luckily, SATC was on the playlist.

I'm learning a lot from watching the episodes consecutively - it's like the show was written for me to enjoy, relate to and learn from. I'm a young, 20 something, surrounded by great girlfriends, looking for relationship, having sex, getting screwed over and breaking a few hearts along the way -it's extremely close to home for me. OH - and I live in a city!

What I'm noticing and taking particular interest in though, is the struggle for these women to find good relationships. Although it may just be specific to dating in New York during that time, not just dating in general, I always thought only modern dating was as complicated as it is. I figured that women used to have it easy because men were willing to commit and were decent human beings before cellphones, tinder, snapchat, pof etc came into play. Turns out that at least in New York during the new millennium (and on a tv show), dating was still super fucking shitty.

I haven't decided if this makes me feel better or worse. I think it makes me feel better. Maybe dating is just always going to be a hellish experience. It's quite a feat to find two people who work perfectly together and actually both like each other! Dating is nerve wracking, it shakes your confidence and makes you insecure. It's a lot of bullshit and heart ache and stupid decisions - which I find is true for life in general - and that's okay because life isn't perfect and if it was we'd all be bored.

People do fall in love though. It may not be easy but people fall in love, and they have happy relationships and sometimes they get married and/or they live happily ever after without the marriage part. And sometimes they get divorced and that's life - rarely do we get things right on the first try. What I'm getting at is that people have been getting married for years and meeting people and falling in love and somehow getting past that in between part where you're just constantly dating and meeting people who don't work for you and wondering if you're ever going to fucking get it right.

It's funny because when I was first writing this post (it has taken me a couple of weeks to spit it out) I was just starting this new phase of being someone who isn't dating. Now I'm this awesome place that I've wanted to be in for so long and I've tried to be in but couldn't quite get there. I'm not dating, I'm not looking to date and I'm making a conscious effort to shut down the guys who are wasting my time or who call me at all hours of the night to "hang out".

It has been struggle - I enjoy boys, I enjoy cuddles, I enjoy sex. Buuuuut, I enjoy feeling good about myself and feeling like I'm a strong, independent woman who respects herself enough to not spend time with guys who don't respect her. I've discovered that in order to meet guys who actually like me, I need to free up my time and stop spending it with guys who don't like me. I've finally started standing up to guys who I know are up to no good and saying "See Ya Later" whereas before I was afraid to say it because I knew they'd listen. Now I just want them to leave me the fuck alone.

This choice is kind of a lonely one but I feel better about it every day. I know that by saying I'm not going to hang out with guys who don't respect me or like me I'm unfortunately and sadly admitting that I'm just not going to be hanging around any guys. This sucks but so does being treated like a piece of trash - I'm choosing the option with the least suck. I'm not saying I'm never again going to hook up with someone who isnt on his way to being my husband but for now this is whats happening and what's workin'. I'm still open to meeting a good guy but I'm just trying to be less lenient on my definition of "good guy" because pretty much everyone was acing that extremely easy test up until recently. No more.

A big shout out to Carrie Bradshaw for awakening the writer who lives deep within me! Although re-watching the series has made me see shes a little more narcissistic than I had once thought, it really opened me up to writing again and I have her to thank. It has definitely been a while. Not only am I quite busy on a daily basis but as you can see I'm sorting through some deep shit and trying to work on some "me stuff". As much as Id like to keep up with that on the blog, I think I mostly just need to focus on actually doing the work and writing about it will come with time. I do hope to write more often though because it just feels so damn good.

Wish me luck!

Big Love,

Friday, May 1

Why I Finally Quit POF.. For Good!

Tonight for the first time in a month, I logged onto POF. Let me start by saying I've logged back onto POF many times after many hiatuses. I've had multiple accounts (at different times) and whenever I deleted them, I knew deep downit was a "I need a break...for now" kind of deal.

In the past 2 years I've talked to hundreds and hundreds of men between POF and Tinder and if we're being totally honest, I maybe talked to 10 decent human beings. So tonight when I logged on, it was to delete my account and to delete it for good.

The last time I logged onto POF before tonight, like I said, was maybe a little over a month ago. I had met a guy I was interested in who seemed to be pursuing me more than any other guy I'd met recently. Once we went to text, I really had no need for POF anymore. When things went south with us after a couple of dates I was exhausted and didn't feel the need or have the energy to sign on and meet any more guys who were totally wrong for me. So I didn't.

I continued to chat with a couple of guys who I had met on POF but hadn't gone on dates with. One guy in particular, who seemed way too good looking to be on POF let alone be interested in me, paid an out of the ordinary amount of attention to me. He was dull and superficial but I thought he was hot and it was nice to feel pretty so I continued to talk to him and question him straight up if he really was who he said he was. After searching and searching and searching, I finally proved what I had thought all along : I was being cat fished. That was a breaking point for me : I could never subject myself to this POF bullshit again. I deleted the app on my phone and had not logged on until tonight.

I went on today just to make it final. To delete that account.. to have nothing to go to when Im feeling lonely and desperately single. And believe me.. I feel desperate. I'm crazy lonely and in a place where I want to commit to someone and have a (healthy) relationship. Fortunately and unfortunately for me, whichever way you choose to see it, my standards are quite high when it comes to the guy I want to be in  relationship with. There's no men in general knocking down my door for a date but if there were, I wouldn't be choosing just anyone who looked at me twice. I'm not being picky.. I just want to avoid wasting mine or anyone else's time.

I'm ready for a healthy relationship with a decent guy. Yes, I want a guy with a job. Yes, I want a guy who can provide for himself - I'll take care of me, you take care of you. Yes, I want to be pursued  and taken on a fucking date for once! I'll even pay half. I don't know if men are afraid to be seen with me in public or think they can just get into my pants without any effort but I have been on very few actual dates.. do other people go on dates? Is this a thing?! Sorry guys, you're not gettin up in this the first night you make time to sit on your couch and hang out with me. Take me on a couple dates for fucks sakes.. put some back into it.

I deleted POF because I'm not going to meet the kind of guy Im looking for on there. There may be some good guys on POF, that's not what I'm saying, I'm just no good at attracting them! I'm also not saying that you can't meet the guy you're looking for but I am saying that if you DO meet a decent guy or gal who is compatible with you and meets your standards through POF or Tinder - you, my friend, are the fucking EXCEPTION.

Ever seen 'He's Just Not That Into You'? I have a couple hundred times. I have to watch it often to remind myself not to text guys who don't ever text me because if they wanted to see me, they'd text me and they'd make it happen. And it also teaches me in a twisted way that yes, people find great women and men on POF and Tinder and even at the bar but they are exceptions to the rule..and I am not.

I want to meet someone organically and people just don't do that anymore. I am holding out hope though.. I will eventually meet a good guy, however it is we are suppose to meet, and I'm not going to be using POF or Tinder to meet him. I am more lonesome than I've ever been.. I admitted tonight at work that I'd go on a date with the 17 year old take out boy. This is not an excuse to give into POF just because 50 men would messge me tonight when I made a profile and make me feel a little better for half a second. Those 50 men would probably suck and Id be right back where I started.

So that's why I deleted POF and why I will remain single and lonely for the next couple months or years or decades..who fuckin knows?! I don't. But I know Im actually saving myself a lot of time, emotions and even heart ache by ditching POF.

Now, if you use it and enjoy it.. no worries. I'm not dissing you and you do your thang - everyone has a different experience. But would I recommend it to people my age? Not really.. not if you're looking for anything real. Thats just me..

Big Love,

Thursday, April 30

Suzi Storm and Gold Jeans

Here I am again, at my workplace, stealing the wifi to get some writing in. I've had a couple bad days over the past week or so and I knew I had to come in and decompress. I'm not in a place where I really feel like going into details but I guess I've just been really lonely and down and writing usually helps me feel better.

Today I read a post by one of my favorite weight loss bloggers, Suzi Storm. I started reading her blog a couple years ago when she was losing 101 lbs with Weight Watchers. Since then I've followed her as she gained 100+ back, is now re-losing (shes lost over 90lbs!) and oh yeah, she has been sober for over a year now. She's a huge inspiration to me as I have lost, gained, relost, regained... you get the idea.

In her post titled "The Art Of (Re)Losing" she wrote this :

"These pounds lost now are smarter…they are wiser…they are not na├»ve…they are not there purely for vanity…they are not there for acceptance.  They have given me knowledge that I thought I knew before and have taught me things I didn’t even think I had to know.

(Re)losing is kind of a contradiction at the same time though. The biggest part of (re)losing is letting go of the past. Letting go of where you were and accepting where you are right now. It’s not focusing so much on where you want to be (which ideally is right back where you were) but where you are at that moment and how to make the next moment better."

This was something I needed to read and a way I have to start thinking of my reloss journey. I get caught up thinking about two things 1)Where I used to be and 2)How far I have to go. Lately some pictures have been popping up of when I weighed a lot less than I do now and I see now how good I looked and how happy I was. At that time I just wanted to keep losing and now I'd do anything to be that weight and maintain there. Getting to that point again is going to be a struggle and I find how far I have to go to be a bit overwhelming. When I started eating healthy again I was super casual about it and I've let myself become obsessive over it again and I need to not. 

Suzi is right. I need to let go of where I used to be and just focus on how I can be better right now and work towards being better in the future. Weight loss feels slow and like a waste of time sometimes when you don't see the scale move but deep down I know it's worth it and I have to keep working hard. The truth is that I look in the mirror and know I look different, I feel better and in the end the hard work does pay off.. I just need to be patient. 

Today I started week 4 of the Couch to 5k program. I keep thinking it's going to get easier but it doesn't - it just keeps getting more hellish. I've said it on here before and I'll say it again - I am so not a runner. When I say that and when I talk about how miserable running makes me everyone tells me to go to zumba or try a different machine. While that is certainly the best piece of advice there is for my problem, I can't help but stick to running. Running does wonderful things to my body and it makes me feel strong. I know that eventually I'll be in a place where going for a run is therapeutic and not a torture session but getting to that place is a pain in my ass... and thighs, back, shins and calves. 

As far as food goes, I eat pretty well. I generally stay away from junk food completely which is good stuff. Honestly though, it would be much more respectable if I was a super big junk food person but I'm not so much of a junk food eater as I am an over eater and a fast food eater and a pasta and pizza eater. While I certainly binge on my fair share of chips and cake, carby cheesy foods are my weakness. That being said, I'm generally staying away from those things too which is impressive considering I work at a pizza/spaghetti house. Good job, Bailey. 

In the run of the day I usually will have a breakfast of maybe fruit and granola or some banana pancakes (made with egg and banana and I actually prefer them to real pancakes) or some scrambled eggs with feta and tomato. Lunch and dinner could be a salad with chicken, quinoa salad, turkey burgers, stir fry, souvlaki, it really just depends. I try to eat lots of veggies and protein for the most part. I snack on low caloriepackaged treats, veggies, hummus, fruit, cheese, etc. I have cheats but sometimes I go a couple days without any which surprises me. 

I haven't lost anymore weight and my weight goes up and down a couple lbs through the week but Im trying not to stress over it. I think Im going to start tracking my food but I dont want to obsess over it or obsess over the scale - its something I have to constantly keep in check when Im losing weight.

I bought some goal jeans a couple week ago when I was shopping. It started out as "They only have these jeans in too small or too big for me, God Damnit" and became "these will be my goal jeans and I will have a way to track my progress without using the scale" They are a size 14 and I'm a 16/18 so it's something realistic to work towards. Funny note : for the past two weeks my cousin thought i was saying "Gold Pants" though which I find hilarious. Here is me in my "gold" pants : 


I love these jeans and I can't wait to wear them but I have 15-20lbs (maybe more) to go Id say before I can button them. My unrealistic goal is to fit into them when I go to see my best friend in Vancouver but that is in just under 7 weeks and it would take a miracle.. but I do believe in miracles! 

My question for you guys is this : how do you combat being obsessive over the scale, counting calories and/or points or even being obsessive over exercise? I can usually tell if Im being obsessive but I dont know how to stop myself. Any ideas? Thanks guys!

Big Love,

And to the person who left this comment : 

You made my fucking day. :) 

Monday, April 20

oh hey, blog.

Hello friends - its been a while, I know. A large reason I haven't been writing is the fact that I have no wifi. I don't open up my laptop and start typing very often anymore and Im not one to write using pen and paper so it just doesn't happen. I've had the urge, believe me..just haven't done it.  Honestly though, a huge reason I think I stopped writing was because I subconsciously put up a huge wall after receiving an insane negative comment on a blog I posted a couple of weeks before I stopped writing.

When I freely put my thoughts, opinions and feelings out there I have to accept that some people may not always like it or agree and will go as far as commenting negatively and letting me know just how much they don't like it. That's just how it goes. For the most part though, that hadn't ever happened yet and I've had this blog since high school. People are good to me - they comment and encourage me and blogging has been an awesome experience. When I received this particular comment I think it took me by surprise and made me pull back.

For a while I worried everyone or at least a portion of people felt the way this person felt and that I should no longer write about my life and experiences and opinions because it was just whiny and negative. The thing is though.. this is my blog and if I want to write about things that suck in my life, I will, and it's totally okay if no one reads it. If you don't like it, don't read it. Please, for the love of god, don't read it and complain about it if you dont like it! Just go away.

Writing is my therapy - writing about things that hurt or bother me is how I deal with them best. The reason I post and share is because I've found that people relate and understand to a lot of what I'm saying and sometimes its nice to not feel so alone when you're hurt and bothered by shit. It took me too long to realize I have to write anyway, even if people don't like it, but I get it now and I am going to try to write more often. :)

During my little hiatus not much has changed in my day to day life. I've been working a ton, my roommate sadly moved out, I don't drink very often anymore as I'm quite busy with work and I spend as much time with friends and family as I can. My love life is definitely the same but I am trying hard to not worry about boys and focus on being a version of me that I can really like and appreciate and I figure a dude might be able to like and appreciate me more when I can. I did hang out with a really lovely guy last week and it would be nice if that went somewhere as I felt a nice little click with us. It was really nice to just hang out with a guy who I could talk to and be comfortable around..and he ended up being a pretty good kisser too. But I'm going with the flow and if it doesn't happen, it doesn't and its all good.

Unfortunately this winter I found out that my dad has been diagnosed with Cancer. At first this was scary for me after seeing so many of my friends struggling with the heartbreak of having sick family this year. I knew it was coming - we were prepared that this was a possibility but you're never truly prepared to hear your dad tell you he has cancer. Fortunately, it's an early stage, low risk cancer and at this point the oncologist has decided to wait it out before taking action with treatments. We are all hopeful and positive and I trust things will be okay because I really don't know what else I'm suppose to do at this point.

Life has been a little funky for me lately. It is definitely not a bad life - I am blessed and I know that I'm just going through a bad stage. I just feel a little stuck and work has been draining me a bit, both physically and emotionally. I'm trying my best to pull myself out of it and I'm feeling positive that May will be a great month and June will be even better. May is a ton of exciting celebrations - birthdays and baby showers and the celebration of warm weather of course. Then in June 2 new babies will be coming into my life and I finally have a trip planned to visit my best friend in Vancouver. I am over the moon excited for this trip - I am counting down the days and I get giddy if I talk about it too much so I'll stop.

For now, I wake up every morning and try to go into my days with a good attitude. I'm eating healthy and have been back at the gym doing the Couch to 5k program and I'm feeling good. I've lost 12 lbs and that's pretty nice too. Going through ruts is easier when you're at least trying to feel your best to make life a little better and I really am trying. :)

So that's where I've been at in my head and what I've been doing. I feel a weight off my shoulders just having written this so that goes to show that I really do need to write more often. For now I'm off to make a grocery list, hit up the gym then fill my fridge with something other than ketchup and plum sauce.. classic.

Big Love,
Bailey J 

Wednesday, February 4

Why Whitney Thore Is My Spirit Animal

If you don't know who Whitney Thore is you need to get the hell off my blog... just kidding. But you seriously need to go check out My Big Fat Fabulous Life on TLC or at least watch a trailer to catch a glimpse of this inspiring creature. If you do know who she is or have now checked her out...please continue and don't get the hell off my blog.

Before MBFFL premiered on TLC I had seen Whitneys viral video floating around. From the minute you see footage of her you can feel her energy - she's intense and amazing. Honestly, her and I are different in a lot of ways and I might even find her a little obnoxious if I didn't have this crazy girl crush on her. Either way, her spirit is inspiring and contagious and there's this fire about her that is just undeniable whether you like her or not.

I am convinced that all girls out there who struggle with their weight, with self love and body image issues and feel held back when it comes to dating, shopping etc are going to love Whitney once introduced to her and this show if they are currently hiding under rocks and haven't seen it. MBFFL covers so many of the issues that I have personally faced as an overweight woman and she is a very empowering lady and role model. She is suffering from a disease she can't control (PCOS) and fighting like hell to love herself regardless and get as healthy as possible. Watching her kick ass and take names makes you want to fight too.

Something Whitney touched on this week during MBFFL was feeling like a fetish. This is something I have struggled with a little and I totally knew where she was coming from. I find it very hard to find guys who are attracted to me and that could be because I'm ugly but I mostly think it's because of my weight. When guys are attracted to me it's wonderful and awesome but when it's this weird like "oh you're big and fat and I wanna rub my dick in your fat creases" kind of attraction, shit gets weird and all of a sudden I feel like an object and not an attractive, desirable woman.

Being a fetish is not something I want to be. Everyone falls into a fetish category - there is literally fetishes for everything - but its not something I'm particularly comfortable exploiting myself as. I want someone to be attracted to me for me or just because they think I'm beautiful or sexy because of not only the way I look but the way my personality radiates and fills their life with sunshine (yeah.. a girl can dream). Ideally a future boyfriend would be cool if I lose weight and cool if I gain weigh as long as I stay true to the girl he fell for in the first place.

Unfortunately I have had an experience with a guy who told me he liked me but if I lost weight he wouldn't really be attracted to me anymore and he would prefer for me to gain weight if possible. Most girls are probably like, "right on, stop complaining and bring on the cake," and i do love cake but to me it was a red flag. This situation for me is no different than someone telling someone to lose weight to be attractive which most people would find a bit offensive. So why wouldn't it be offensive to be told to gain weight, no matter the persons original weight?

Whitney is sassy, self aware and confident - she knows she deserves love and deserves to be with someone who is perfect for her and that is something that I personally could take a lesson in and I think a lot of other people - big, small, male, female, etc - could too. She says so many things that resonate with me and make me think and I honestly think that MBFFL coming into my not so fabulous life was a blessing in disguise - I have a lot of lessons to learn from Whitney Thore.

Have you seen MBFFL? What do you think of the show? Whitney? Babs? Babs is taking over. She's outrageously funny.

Big Love,

Sunday, February 1

No Booze January in Review

Well guys, I made it! Today is February 1st and I made it through a month without drinking. I know for many people it's no big deal but for me, it's pretty damn impressive. I honestly had no idea whether I would make it or not and I'm quite surprised and proud of myself for doing so.

In the past two years and specifically the past year, I've been doing a lot of drinking and a lot of partying. I honestly don't know if I went more than 2 weeks without a drink in the past 3 years and it just became a lifestyle for me. I felt like I had to go out every weekend, I had to always be on the go and it was eventually just habitual for me to go out, just because, not for any particular reason.

I was at the point where if I was stressed, drinking instantly helped and I craved it all the time. I would plan not to go out but then work would be crazy and we would all go out after. The question was rarely ,"Are we going out?" but "Are you coming out with me?" and I'd be looking around for someone to come out with me, convincing everyone I knew to join the fun. And believe me, I was having lots of fun, but maybe a little too much.

Am I an alcoholic? I no longer think so because I made it through the last month without too much trouble but I certainly have tendencies and can see how it could be my future if I'm not careful which is part of the reason I took the month off. Other reasons included how broke I am and the fact that I was spending up to $400 a month on drinking. Had I not given it up, I never would've made it through this month as money is SO tight for me currently. I chose the right month, financially, for sure.

I was kind of hoping not drinking (and not taking part in 3am pizza and hangover food) would take a couple lbs off but honestly I don't think it did. What it did do was give me more time and energy to go to the gym and commit to healthy eating. Over the last month I lost about 6.5lbs which is better than nothing but like I've mentioned, the scale isn't something I'm majorly concerned with.

The best part of taking the month off was just feeling better. I felt generally happier, more energized and confident in the past month. I felt proud of myself and it was really nice making my mom proud because it's something I feel I rarely do. I was able and willing to go to the gym, I was never binge eating on hangover food and then feeling like hell for 2 days, my quality of life was simply better.

Has the month inspired me to stop drinking permanently? Lets be real - that was never going to happen. The point of it though, was to get back to a place where drinking is something you do for special occasions instead of something you do 3 times a week and I feel I'm definitely back in a mindset like that. For example, last night I was suppose to host a party for my friends birthday but because of the storm we didn't. I could've had a couple of drinks of the vodka thats been sitting in my freezer sine NYE but I didnt - even after a long 31 days of not drinking. It really wasn't worth it to just sit at home and drink and that's a really good start. I want to be someone who drinks 2 or maybe 3 times a month not 2 or 3 times a week and before it wasn't even something I wanted so thats progress right there.

I want to thank all of my friends who were so supportive over the last month. They could've tried to force me to come out and drink but everyone was respectful and awesome about it. I kept busy and worked a lot and only had one tiny weak moment where I almost gave in compared to the 10 I thought I would have. The month seemed very long as it went but now that it's over I feel like I could do another month... but who am I kidding? ;)

Have you ever quit drinking, smoking, fast food or something that was extremely hard for you? How did it work out? Let me know in the comments.

Big Love,

Thursday, January 29

21 Men

If you read my blog you know that at the first of the month I decided to try to do a boy free month along with quitting booze. Drinking and partying leads me to meeting a large number of the guys I happen to meet so it was much easier than it would've been had I been partying. For the most part I stayed boy free - I didn't go on dates with any new guys but I did hang out with one guy who I'd previously hung out with and had sex a couple of times (not with that guy) as I am human after all.

What led me to attempting a boy free month was a list that I had made at the end of 2014. I met a lot of guys in 2014, being in a new city surrounded by men who I had never met felt like I had unlimited possibilities. I thought I was going to move here and find the love of my life to be totally honest. I was used to being surrounded by guys who I had known all my life and who had all previously dated one of my friends. There was literally no chance of me dating in my hometown so when I moved here I went a little crazy and met and kissed a lot of boys. Unfortunately none of these guys ever had any interest in me beyond hanging out a couple times and I just kept getting screwed over. By the end of the year i had a list of 21 guys (those are just the ones who stuck out to me) I had met who had screwed me over in some way or screwed someone else over by hanging out with me.

There was the guy who I wrote about on my blog who chased me like I was some sort of dream girl and a couple months later it came out he had a serious girlfriend. There was the guy who planned to come see me 3 times and each time he stopped talking to me the week he was coming instead of just cancelling our plans like someone with character would. The guy who came to town and pretty much ruined my birthday - yeah, we never spoke again. Then there was the guy who would hang out with me, we would get along great, and once we hooked up he didnt speak to me for 6 months. Then I gave him a second chance, and didnt hook up with him, and he hasn't spoken to me since - damned if I do, damned if I dont.

The whole year was filled with guys like this. Guys who stopped talking to me because I wouldn't have sex with them, guys who stopped talking to me because I did have sex with them, guys who weren't honest about their relationship status, guys who would beg me to hang out then ignore me and even a guy who used me for money and rides and a guy who was pretty upfront about not being okay with my weight. By the end of the year I was emotionally exhausted from this and thus began No Boys January. I would like to add that I'm not perfect and I probably hurt a few guys feelings along the way too but 21 guys and not a single boyfriend? Fuck!

Right now I'm in a good place as far as being single and being okay with it. I don't want to date anyone or try to because I'm tired of getting my hopes up and being let down. Most of these guys have been a huge waste of my time and though I've learned some things in the past year, I'm cool with not wasting time and emotion on guys who's names I'll likely forget by next year. If someone came along who felt like a good idea AND gave me a bit of spark that'd be exciting but it's not something im waiting for or expecting to happen soon or ever. I will go with the flow though.

Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be in a healthy relationship or even be able to accept love from someone who treats me well because I haven't ever had a strong, healthy relationship. I feel as though I cant find anyone because maybe I don't deserve a nice guy and I just scare them all off. Mark and I loved each other very much but it was not healthy, especially in the end and I knew it wasn't what I wanted for the rest of my life. With all these guys ditching me and treating me like crap I find myself fearing that every guy I meet will see whatever it is these guys found wrong with me and run away. Im at the point where I don't want to give even the nice guys a chance because the disappointment when it fails is miserable.

I have definitely got to stop letting every bad experience reflect on me though. Yes, I will not be everyone's cup of tea, hell I won't be most peoples cup of tea, but some of these guys are just assholes. They weren't ever going to be good boyfriend material for me and some of them will never be good boyfriend material for anyone. This is their own problem and has shit all to do with me and who I am as a person. My cousin said something yesterday that made me think, she said "you never know what a guy has going on" and it was something that has been resonating with me. Just because a guy ditches me, isn't into me or whatever else doesn't necessarily mean there's something wrong with me, or that he's an asshole. It's not always about me. It just means its not the right timing for him and he could have a whole shit load of stuff going on in his own life that's keeping him from dating in general, not just from dating me.

For now I'm sticking to this no guy thing. I am talking to a couple of guys and if it develops into something then great. If a different guy comes along and he's fabulous, great. Not liking anyone feels great though and not chasing anyone feels even more great. Working out, eating healthier and not wasting time on people ( generally, not just guys) who are not a positive force in my life is so good for my soul and I feel really good these days. Taking time to focus on my health, both physical and mental/emotional is important and I think I'll be in a better place to find a healthy relationship if I'm healthy in other areas of my life.

In your experience, have you found that love comes along when you least expect it? Or are you someone who chases love until its yours? Do you find its easier to have a healthy relationship when you're good with yourself? I want you guys to weigh in on this with me!

Big Love,

Wednesday, January 21

an explanation, spinach in a smoothie and 21 days sober

Before I get started on what I would like to discuss in this post I want to just say a couple things about my last post. First of all, thank you so much for reading it in general and thank you to everyone who gave me positive feedback. It was one of my most popular posts thus far with more comments, shares and discussion than most if not all of my others post! That being said, there was some controversy about me offering up that I am currently sleeping with a hot guy.

Monique commented, "I was with you right up until the end. "This body is also sleeping with a really hot guy so fuck you, society!" Really? You spend a post writing about how YOU accept your body and that is the most important thing, but then you offer that you're sleeping with a "hot" guy as if that contributes to whether your body is acceptable or not. What does that mean for women who aren't sleeping with "hot" guys, or any guys? Are there bodies less acceptable? Also, why does it matter that the person you're sleeping with is "hot"? What if he had acne or was overweight or in some other way unattractive by society's standards?" 

I personally messaged Monique back but I wanted to offer up some answers here as I was left a couple of comments like this and it's definitely worth addressing, especially if other people felt this way but didn't comment.

 First of all, what I meant by that (for people who got any other message from it) was that me, someone who is not beautiful, sexy or acceptable by societies standards is sleeping with someone who is and I didn't say it in a "im sleeping with a hot guy and you aren't" way, I said it mostly as a stick it to the man kind of comment. I said it to to make an example of the fact that none of that shit really matters. Just because society or the media or your mother or the lady on the street tells you that there is one type of beauty or tells you that you fit into some box of ugly or pretty or fat or fit doesn't mean that it's right or even close to the truth. There are all kinds of types of beautiful and all kinds of people who are attracted to all those different types. I have slept with 5 guys and they were all very different physically and lead extremely different lives and had extremely different personalities but I was very attracted to them and there will be people who aren't and that's totally cool. This is what is so wonderful about life and love and the world we live in - diversity of people and diversity of interests - there is always someone wantin' what you're flauntin - always!

I understand that by putting my opinions and nonsense out in the open that there will always be people who don't agree or who want to pick apart what I say or who will take things I say and feel like I'm saying something I'm not. That is the risk I'm taking. My promise is to think longer and harder before I write things but to always be honest - even if I'm going to offend someone. If I tried not to offend anyone I wouldn't be able to write anything ever. I am not taking back anything I said in that post but I certainly am taking the comments seriously and will be more conscious about things like that next time as to have less misunderstandings! Thanks to my readers for always keepin it real!

Tonight I just wanted to write about the whole health journey thing that I'm on and keep you guys updated as a way of keeping myself accountable and maybe inspiring someone else.

Until this week I was mostly focusing on getting back to the gym and not drinking and partying. This weekend was really hard for me and all I wanted to do was drink a couple bottles of wine and take off to the bar. I didn't but I was very close to breaking. Now I'm happy I didn't and I would've been so disappointed in myself had I done it and I'm pretty excited to say I'm 21 days booze free and this is the longest I've gone in probably 2 years - it's a big deal for me!

Over the weekend I was pretty off track as far as food went and I decided to really tighten the reigns and start tracking my food and making healthy food choices a larger focus. I'm also trying extremely hard to push myself at the gym. I'm literally that girl on the treadmill who looks like she's about to pass out and inside my head I'm cheering myself on and giving myself pep talks to just make it one more minute. I feel really good though and I can't wait to be back to where I was a couple of years ago.

As far as food goes I'm trying to focus on getting a ton of veggies, some fruit and protein and cutting back on starch and added sugars but not stressing too much about that or anything really. I'm using myfitnesspal to be more aware of how much I'm eating but again, not stressing and obsessing. I'm not much of a cook but I have been making smoothies, stir fries and I made my own ground turkey spaghetti sauce to put on spaghetti squash last week. I also tried my hand at making a smoothie with spinach and it ended up being delicious so go me!

Every day is different and I tend to go with the flow as I'm not much of a planner. I've been keeping lots of healthy stuff on hand though so I don't have any excuses. Sometimes I have a huge breakfast because I know I'll be busy all day between split shifts and the gym and sometimes I eat light because I have dinner plans and I know I'll prob eat something a bit heavier. Today I was having tacos with some friends so I had strawberries, some almonds and of course my flax seed oil drank. I've been drinking a tsp of flaxseed mixed with some juice and water every morning to help keep me regular and lucky for me it has lots of other great benefits! 

So I'm eating quite well, committed at the gym and still sober so, yay me. I will definitely go back to drinking as the plan was never to give it up completely but I think it will be much different. I know I can't be drinking every weekend if I want to stay committed to the gym and eating healthy because it throws me way off being hungover so I'll be focusing on going out 2-4 times a month and my wallet will also be thanking me! 

As far as no boys is going I'm doing great. At this point I'm feeling so happy and independent. For all of 2014 I was so desperate to hang out with boys and to find a boyfriend and to not be alone and I longed to be in the place that I am now. Having arrived at this place of not wanting to date, not wanting to get involved in anything, not wanting to chase or talk to any boys... well, I just wish I had arrived here sooner. But I feel really great. No, I'm not writing it off forever but I'm just happy to be focused on myself (selfish, much?) and not stressing about any of that bullshit! 

What I'd love to hear about from you guys is what you like to do for work outs! I like really high intensity so if you have any awesome HIIT work outs or anything like that you think I'd like please share - no burpees please! I love when you share! 

Big Love,

Wednesday, January 14

The Real Enemy & Why You Need To Love Yourself Regardless.

Since New Years Eve I've been having many conversations with my friends about the importance or lack there of of the scale when it comes to weight loss, getting fit, and just our general perspective of the scale, especially as females in a body obsessed society. These conversations also had me having all sorts of thoughts about self love and how it is connected to what society, the media and whoever else tells us how we have to look to be able to love ourselves.  I decided to try and organize my thoughts and weigh in on it (pun intended) here at Bare with me... this shit gets me fired up and it's word vomit from there on out.

I first started worrying about my weight, my fitness level and how many calories I was consuming around age 9 or 10. One of my best friends started running at this age and started listing off the calories of everything we ate at the school cafeteria every day. Looking back, I wish someone had intervened there, for all of us girls, to teach us the things that I personally wouldn't learn until now, almost 15 years later.

Since then it's been up and down. I lost weight in middle school, gained steady through high school, lost 45lbs in my junior year and then gained it all back by my graduation. Then after meeting my first boyfriend who was less than pleased with my body type combined with my own lifelong insecurities with my body, I started religiously hitting the gym and eating mostly like a rabbit when I was 19. I lost almost 50lbs and looked the best I've ever looked in my life that year. I also felt great as, for the most part, I was treating my body very well. Now, 4 years later I've gained it all back, and a couple more, and I'm just now starting over back at the gym, back to eating half normal, back to trying to be healthy.

There is something extremely different this time around compared to the years before. I'm older and not particularly wiser but at least more experienced and I have so much more knowledge about weight loss and body love. And here is what I've learned in 10+ years of this struggle : the scale is your fucking enemy.

That number doesn't mean shit. Our society is obsessed with numbers, obsessed with bodies and making them perfect, obsessed with making women (and men to a different extent) feel as though our bodies are never good enough. From thigh gaps to bikini bridges to having a big fat ass and not an ounce of fat anywhere else on your body - these ideas are extremely unrealistic and not even physically attainable for most women!

Instagram is also your enemy, as my friend Tamara pointed out to me the other day. I have so many friends who follows reams of pages of thinspiration and fitspiration and before and afters and having goals is fine but having unrealistic goals is unhealthy and discouraging.

Here is the cold hard truth : not every body is made to have a thigh gap and you may literally never have one until your flesh is rotting off of your bones in your grave. Bikini bridges are just plain stupid - who even THOUGHT of that bullshit?. Big fat asses are wonderful in all their glory but some of us, including me - the flat ass queen of the world, will NEVER have a big round booty and most of us wont be able to achieve one without a surgery (which is totally fine if thats the route you'd like to go). Either way - it's all good. These things exist, yes, but they are not attainable for all body types.

And here is the most important truth of all - the truth every person needs to discover - none of that bullshit matters.. like.. at all. People with thigh gaps and perfect bodies still hate their bodies and girls with the bootys that Id die to have been blessed with wish they could slim it down. There are girls who are whispy thin who wish they could gain weight. Many of us, even girls who have the body you would do anything for, want to be things we aren't.

Here is the most awesome truth of all, that I have only recently discovered: imperfect people, with imperfect bodies, still love themselves and those with perfect bodies sometimes do not. The most important lesson I've learned is that it is absolutely okay to love your body at any weight. In my opinion, we have no other choice but to try to love ourselves and our bodies before we can ever be happy with them.

It does not matter if I get to my goal weight and I all of a sudden have this glorious Beyonce body - that will not make me love myself, it will not make me happy, and I will still find something to hate if I try hard enough. Although I would look bangin' to everybody else - I would probably still find something in the mirror to criticize. This, I believe, is because society, the media and even our peers are constantly putting a billion different ideas of what we need to look like in our heads. It's such bulllllllshit.

You have to choose to love yourself - it's a mindset, not a physical state. You have to choose to love your body. You have to stop paying attention to the scale.. even when you're working your anus off and you think it should be moving. Ultimately that number is irrelevant. Appreciate your body for all the amazing things it does for you. After all.. the body you have now is the body that will do all the work to get you the body you want.

This week I ran 10 minutes on the treadmill. Thats a warm up for most active people but for me it was huge. I lifted weights and then I said "fuck you" to the ideas in my head that told me I couldn't run more and I went and put in 10 more minutes running on the treadmill. My body rocks. My body is powerful. It is wonderful and sexy and whoever put the ideas in my head and in all of our heads that we couldn't love these bodies, ALL of them, can go fuck themselves. Although my stomach is huge and drapes down my midsection from constant loss and gain, although my arm fat dangles while I lift weights, although my thighs rub and chafe just walking around work and although my skin is broken out and bruised - this body is awesome. Period. I love my body and although I am getting healthier and working towards a healthier version of this body, I have made a promise to put in effort to love my body at every single weight and size I feel like.

This body is running, this body is lifting weights, this body has been through all the good and bad times and it's mine and that's that. This body is also sleeping with a really hot guy so fuck you, society! Many, in fact most people would look at my body and never wish to have it. And that's totally fine. But it's none of your business whether I love my body or not because I'm the one living my life in it so run along.

Love your body. Love it for everything that it is, everything that it can do and everything that it can be. Treat your body with respect - it will thank you! Don't let anyone tell you anything about your body - it's none of their God damn business. Love yourself - you're absolutely wonderful.

Big Love,

Wednesday, January 7

One Week of Healthy

Today marks a week that I haven't had anything alcoholic to drink, I've become more active and I've attempted to incorporate more healthy foods into my diet. I said in my last post, about my goals and resolutions, that for now I wasn't putting much emphasis on eating healthy and I'll get more into that in a minute.

I know a week isn't very long and I'm not throwing myself a party but I've seen some great changes, even in just a week and I thought recognizing them, writing them down and sharing them would be beneficial to both myself and my readers. You never know who will get inspired from a post!

So these are some things I've noticed in the past week :

I have way more energy - I go to work bouncing sometimes, even after a split shift and a work out I go back in with more energy than I had that morning. Normally I am lethargic like 90% of the time and the other 10% im hyper because Im excited to drink and go to the bar later.

My #2s are solid - For about 6 weeks before the new year I was having diarrhea every time I used the bathroom. I just thought oh well and kept on keeping on because I've had digestive issues for years and I pretty much knew it was because I drink too much and eat unhealthy. It feels amazing to be a normally functioning human and not in pain all the time. It's ridiculous how I just brushed off basically being sick all the time.

I'm generally a bit happier - I still have bad days and problems - not drinking doesn't take away the problems, it actually makes you face your problems a bit more and I have a lot of things to deal with but my general disposition is a big brighter.

I actually want to eat better - This is me getting into that topic from earlier. I find that I'm not avoiding bad food but I want to make healthier choices after and before my work outs and I feel better fueling my body with more healthy options. I still eat bad things but I am eating a ton of healthy stuff too where as I ate carbs and cheese for most of 2014. I can barely even believe the words "I want to eat healthy food" are coming out of my mouth but hey...its a new year.

I just feel better - Although Id really like a glass of wine I feel a lot better after a week of healthier food, being active and laying off the booze. It's definitely a feeling worth sticking to this stuff for.

Now.. I have to be completely honest... I SUCK at the no boys thing. Tamara says I'm breaking even because I've turned 2 boys down and I have hung out with one boy and I have plans with another Friday. I'm not looking for new guys, these are both guys who I've hung out with before and Im trying to keep it pretty casual but I definitely can admit that I' m failing at the no boys thing. I am trying to make sure it doesn't occupy my thoughts too often and Im not about to catch any feelings because thats when it all goes to shit. We will see how it goes.

Thank you for all the encouraging words I've received regarding my goals and my return to my blog - you have no idea how much it means to get a comment, inbox, like, anything! I really appreciate it :)

Big Love,

Sunday, January 4

no boys&no booze january and 2015 resolutions

My resolutions are a bit different this year. I decided to focus my resolutions and goals for the year around being a better, more well rounded person rather than just solely focusing on being skinny which is usually my goal. Yes, I'd like to lose weight, but I'd also like to work on a whole list (see below) of others things because being thin is a small, semi irrelevant part of being a human. Instead of saying hey, i'm going to lose 90 lbs this year (because lets face it, I wont) I want to focus my energy on just treating my body better in general in all kinds of different ways as well as my mind. So here's my list : 

What do you think? We will see how it goes but I think these are achievable goals and even if I only achieve some of them it will make me better. 

The most difficult for me will be to exercise and to drink and party less. I am currently on day 4 of a a month of no alcohol and although it's not so hard yet,it's only been 4 days since I drank and I think it will be much more difficult in 5 days when another weekend rolls around, I haven't drank in a week and my friends are going to the bar. I'm committed though!

You may wonder why I'm doing this and you may wonder if I think I'm an alcoholic. Honestly, I don't know. I do know that there is alcoholism on both sides of my family, I do know I love to drink and party, I do know that I have used alcohol to feel more happy, relaxed, fun etc and I do know that I get the blues for a couple days after I drink way more often than I should be. These reasons are enough for me as a level headed human being to know that I could use a bit of a break. 

I've spent a lot of sundays laying in bed with the blues. I do love to go out but it's hard on my bank account and sometimes my lows are super low. Like I mentioned in my last post, Im naturally someone who gets really down when Im sad but drinking can definitely be to blame at times and it certainly doesn't help. I feel so worthless and sad and it's really unhealthy for me. I need to get back to a place where drinking is not a 1-3x a week thing and rather a fun thing I do a couple of times a month - that is the goal. 

So for now I'm just kind of detoxing the bod, saving a bit of money and taking control of the whole partying thing. Am I quitting forever? No. Is continuing to not drink after January out of the question? No, of course not, if I feel like it's benefiting my life and it's not making me miss out on something I'd really like to do then it's very possible I'd stay sober through February and March or maybe just a couple of weeks.. I'm playing it by ear. But for now - January is booze free. 

January is also boys free... well.. I'm trying. I just have met so many idiots in the past year and I recently thought I found a really good guy and was let down by him and it pushed me over the edge. I promptly made this no boy decision because I need it. I'm not like giving up men for life or losing faith in true love I'm just making a smart, healthy decision for myself to stay away from men for a while. I just let them in and they let me down and I feel sad and wonder what the hell is wrong with me and I'm totally tired of that feeling. So No Booze No Boys 2015 is a go... until February ;) 

I'd love to know everyone else's goals - leave me a comment and let me know one thing you're working toward this year. 

Thank you so much for all the support I've received since writing my last post.. motivates me to write more. Love you all! xox

Big Love,

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