Thursday, January 29

21 Men

If you read my blog you know that at the first of the month I decided to try to do a boy free month along with quitting booze. Drinking and partying leads me to meeting a large number of the guys I happen to meet so it was much easier than it would've been had I been partying. For the most part I stayed boy free - I didn't go on dates with any new guys but I did hang out with one guy who I'd previously hung out with and had sex a couple of times (not with that guy) as I am human after all.

What led me to attempting a boy free month was a list that I had made at the end of 2014. I met a lot of guys in 2014, being in a new city surrounded by men who I had never met felt like I had unlimited possibilities. I thought I was going to move here and find the love of my life to be totally honest. I was used to being surrounded by guys who I had known all my life and who had all previously dated one of my friends. There was literally no chance of me dating in my hometown so when I moved here I went a little crazy and met and kissed a lot of boys. Unfortunately none of these guys ever had any interest in me beyond hanging out a couple times and I just kept getting screwed over. By the end of the year i had a list of 21 guys (those are just the ones who stuck out to me) I had met who had screwed me over in some way or screwed someone else over by hanging out with me.

There was the guy who I wrote about on my blog who chased me like I was some sort of dream girl and a couple months later it came out he had a serious girlfriend. There was the guy who planned to come see me 3 times and each time he stopped talking to me the week he was coming instead of just cancelling our plans like someone with character would. The guy who came to town and pretty much ruined my birthday - yeah, we never spoke again. Then there was the guy who would hang out with me, we would get along great, and once we hooked up he didnt speak to me for 6 months. Then I gave him a second chance, and didnt hook up with him, and he hasn't spoken to me since - damned if I do, damned if I dont.

The whole year was filled with guys like this. Guys who stopped talking to me because I wouldn't have sex with them, guys who stopped talking to me because I did have sex with them, guys who weren't honest about their relationship status, guys who would beg me to hang out then ignore me and even a guy who used me for money and rides and a guy who was pretty upfront about not being okay with my weight. By the end of the year I was emotionally exhausted from this and thus began No Boys January. I would like to add that I'm not perfect and I probably hurt a few guys feelings along the way too but 21 guys and not a single boyfriend? Fuck!

Right now I'm in a good place as far as being single and being okay with it. I don't want to date anyone or try to because I'm tired of getting my hopes up and being let down. Most of these guys have been a huge waste of my time and though I've learned some things in the past year, I'm cool with not wasting time and emotion on guys who's names I'll likely forget by next year. If someone came along who felt like a good idea AND gave me a bit of spark that'd be exciting but it's not something im waiting for or expecting to happen soon or ever. I will go with the flow though.

Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be in a healthy relationship or even be able to accept love from someone who treats me well because I haven't ever had a strong, healthy relationship. I feel as though I cant find anyone because maybe I don't deserve a nice guy and I just scare them all off. Mark and I loved each other very much but it was not healthy, especially in the end and I knew it wasn't what I wanted for the rest of my life. With all these guys ditching me and treating me like crap I find myself fearing that every guy I meet will see whatever it is these guys found wrong with me and run away. Im at the point where I don't want to give even the nice guys a chance because the disappointment when it fails is miserable.

I have definitely got to stop letting every bad experience reflect on me though. Yes, I will not be everyone's cup of tea, hell I won't be most peoples cup of tea, but some of these guys are just assholes. They weren't ever going to be good boyfriend material for me and some of them will never be good boyfriend material for anyone. This is their own problem and has shit all to do with me and who I am as a person. My cousin said something yesterday that made me think, she said "you never know what a guy has going on" and it was something that has been resonating with me. Just because a guy ditches me, isn't into me or whatever else doesn't necessarily mean there's something wrong with me, or that he's an asshole. It's not always about me. It just means its not the right timing for him and he could have a whole shit load of stuff going on in his own life that's keeping him from dating in general, not just from dating me.

For now I'm sticking to this no guy thing. I am talking to a couple of guys and if it develops into something then great. If a different guy comes along and he's fabulous, great. Not liking anyone feels great though and not chasing anyone feels even more great. Working out, eating healthier and not wasting time on people ( generally, not just guys) who are not a positive force in my life is so good for my soul and I feel really good these days. Taking time to focus on my health, both physical and mental/emotional is important and I think I'll be in a better place to find a healthy relationship if I'm healthy in other areas of my life.

In your experience, have you found that love comes along when you least expect it? Or are you someone who chases love until its yours? Do you find its easier to have a healthy relationship when you're good with yourself? I want you guys to weigh in on this with me!

Big Love,

Wednesday, January 21

an explanation, spinach in a smoothie and 21 days sober

Before I get started on what I would like to discuss in this post I want to just say a couple things about my last post. First of all, thank you so much for reading it in general and thank you to everyone who gave me positive feedback. It was one of my most popular posts thus far with more comments, shares and discussion than most if not all of my others post! That being said, there was some controversy about me offering up that I am currently sleeping with a hot guy.

Monique commented, "I was with you right up until the end. "This body is also sleeping with a really hot guy so fuck you, society!" Really? You spend a post writing about how YOU accept your body and that is the most important thing, but then you offer that you're sleeping with a "hot" guy as if that contributes to whether your body is acceptable or not. What does that mean for women who aren't sleeping with "hot" guys, or any guys? Are there bodies less acceptable? Also, why does it matter that the person you're sleeping with is "hot"? What if he had acne or was overweight or in some other way unattractive by society's standards?" 

I personally messaged Monique back but I wanted to offer up some answers here as I was left a couple of comments like this and it's definitely worth addressing, especially if other people felt this way but didn't comment.

 First of all, what I meant by that (for people who got any other message from it) was that me, someone who is not beautiful, sexy or acceptable by societies standards is sleeping with someone who is and I didn't say it in a "im sleeping with a hot guy and you aren't" way, I said it mostly as a stick it to the man kind of comment. I said it to to make an example of the fact that none of that shit really matters. Just because society or the media or your mother or the lady on the street tells you that there is one type of beauty or tells you that you fit into some box of ugly or pretty or fat or fit doesn't mean that it's right or even close to the truth. There are all kinds of types of beautiful and all kinds of people who are attracted to all those different types. I have slept with 5 guys and they were all very different physically and lead extremely different lives and had extremely different personalities but I was very attracted to them and there will be people who aren't and that's totally cool. This is what is so wonderful about life and love and the world we live in - diversity of people and diversity of interests - there is always someone wantin' what you're flauntin - always!

I understand that by putting my opinions and nonsense out in the open that there will always be people who don't agree or who want to pick apart what I say or who will take things I say and feel like I'm saying something I'm not. That is the risk I'm taking. My promise is to think longer and harder before I write things but to always be honest - even if I'm going to offend someone. If I tried not to offend anyone I wouldn't be able to write anything ever. I am not taking back anything I said in that post but I certainly am taking the comments seriously and will be more conscious about things like that next time as to have less misunderstandings! Thanks to my readers for always keepin it real!

Tonight I just wanted to write about the whole health journey thing that I'm on and keep you guys updated as a way of keeping myself accountable and maybe inspiring someone else.

Until this week I was mostly focusing on getting back to the gym and not drinking and partying. This weekend was really hard for me and all I wanted to do was drink a couple bottles of wine and take off to the bar. I didn't but I was very close to breaking. Now I'm happy I didn't and I would've been so disappointed in myself had I done it and I'm pretty excited to say I'm 21 days booze free and this is the longest I've gone in probably 2 years - it's a big deal for me!

Over the weekend I was pretty off track as far as food went and I decided to really tighten the reigns and start tracking my food and making healthy food choices a larger focus. I'm also trying extremely hard to push myself at the gym. I'm literally that girl on the treadmill who looks like she's about to pass out and inside my head I'm cheering myself on and giving myself pep talks to just make it one more minute. I feel really good though and I can't wait to be back to where I was a couple of years ago.

As far as food goes I'm trying to focus on getting a ton of veggies, some fruit and protein and cutting back on starch and added sugars but not stressing too much about that or anything really. I'm using myfitnesspal to be more aware of how much I'm eating but again, not stressing and obsessing. I'm not much of a cook but I have been making smoothies, stir fries and I made my own ground turkey spaghetti sauce to put on spaghetti squash last week. I also tried my hand at making a smoothie with spinach and it ended up being delicious so go me!

Every day is different and I tend to go with the flow as I'm not much of a planner. I've been keeping lots of healthy stuff on hand though so I don't have any excuses. Sometimes I have a huge breakfast because I know I'll be busy all day between split shifts and the gym and sometimes I eat light because I have dinner plans and I know I'll prob eat something a bit heavier. Today I was having tacos with some friends so I had strawberries, some almonds and of course my flax seed oil drank. I've been drinking a tsp of flaxseed mixed with some juice and water every morning to help keep me regular and lucky for me it has lots of other great benefits! 

So I'm eating quite well, committed at the gym and still sober so, yay me. I will definitely go back to drinking as the plan was never to give it up completely but I think it will be much different. I know I can't be drinking every weekend if I want to stay committed to the gym and eating healthy because it throws me way off being hungover so I'll be focusing on going out 2-4 times a month and my wallet will also be thanking me! 

As far as no boys is going I'm doing great. At this point I'm feeling so happy and independent. For all of 2014 I was so desperate to hang out with boys and to find a boyfriend and to not be alone and I longed to be in the place that I am now. Having arrived at this place of not wanting to date, not wanting to get involved in anything, not wanting to chase or talk to any boys... well, I just wish I had arrived here sooner. But I feel really great. No, I'm not writing it off forever but I'm just happy to be focused on myself (selfish, much?) and not stressing about any of that bullshit! 

What I'd love to hear about from you guys is what you like to do for work outs! I like really high intensity so if you have any awesome HIIT work outs or anything like that you think I'd like please share - no burpees please! I love when you share! 

Big Love,

Wednesday, January 14

The Real Enemy & Why You Need To Love Yourself Regardless.

Since New Years Eve I've been having many conversations with my friends about the importance or lack there of of the scale when it comes to weight loss, getting fit, and just our general perspective of the scale, especially as females in a body obsessed society. These conversations also had me having all sorts of thoughts about self love and how it is connected to what society, the media and whoever else tells us how we have to look to be able to love ourselves.  I decided to try and organize my thoughts and weigh in on it (pun intended) here at Bare with me... this shit gets me fired up and it's word vomit from there on out.

I first started worrying about my weight, my fitness level and how many calories I was consuming around age 9 or 10. One of my best friends started running at this age and started listing off the calories of everything we ate at the school cafeteria every day. Looking back, I wish someone had intervened there, for all of us girls, to teach us the things that I personally wouldn't learn until now, almost 15 years later.

Since then it's been up and down. I lost weight in middle school, gained steady through high school, lost 45lbs in my junior year and then gained it all back by my graduation. Then after meeting my first boyfriend who was less than pleased with my body type combined with my own lifelong insecurities with my body, I started religiously hitting the gym and eating mostly like a rabbit when I was 19. I lost almost 50lbs and looked the best I've ever looked in my life that year. I also felt great as, for the most part, I was treating my body very well. Now, 4 years later I've gained it all back, and a couple more, and I'm just now starting over back at the gym, back to eating half normal, back to trying to be healthy.

There is something extremely different this time around compared to the years before. I'm older and not particularly wiser but at least more experienced and I have so much more knowledge about weight loss and body love. And here is what I've learned in 10+ years of this struggle : the scale is your fucking enemy.

That number doesn't mean shit. Our society is obsessed with numbers, obsessed with bodies and making them perfect, obsessed with making women (and men to a different extent) feel as though our bodies are never good enough. From thigh gaps to bikini bridges to having a big fat ass and not an ounce of fat anywhere else on your body - these ideas are extremely unrealistic and not even physically attainable for most women!

Instagram is also your enemy, as my friend Tamara pointed out to me the other day. I have so many friends who follows reams of pages of thinspiration and fitspiration and before and afters and having goals is fine but having unrealistic goals is unhealthy and discouraging.

Here is the cold hard truth : not every body is made to have a thigh gap and you may literally never have one until your flesh is rotting off of your bones in your grave. Bikini bridges are just plain stupid - who even THOUGHT of that bullshit?. Big fat asses are wonderful in all their glory but some of us, including me - the flat ass queen of the world, will NEVER have a big round booty and most of us wont be able to achieve one without a surgery (which is totally fine if thats the route you'd like to go). Either way - it's all good. These things exist, yes, but they are not attainable for all body types.

And here is the most important truth of all - the truth every person needs to discover - none of that bullshit matters.. like.. at all. People with thigh gaps and perfect bodies still hate their bodies and girls with the bootys that Id die to have been blessed with wish they could slim it down. There are girls who are whispy thin who wish they could gain weight. Many of us, even girls who have the body you would do anything for, want to be things we aren't.

Here is the most awesome truth of all, that I have only recently discovered: imperfect people, with imperfect bodies, still love themselves and those with perfect bodies sometimes do not. The most important lesson I've learned is that it is absolutely okay to love your body at any weight. In my opinion, we have no other choice but to try to love ourselves and our bodies before we can ever be happy with them.

It does not matter if I get to my goal weight and I all of a sudden have this glorious Beyonce body - that will not make me love myself, it will not make me happy, and I will still find something to hate if I try hard enough. Although I would look bangin' to everybody else - I would probably still find something in the mirror to criticize. This, I believe, is because society, the media and even our peers are constantly putting a billion different ideas of what we need to look like in our heads. It's such bulllllllshit.

You have to choose to love yourself - it's a mindset, not a physical state. You have to choose to love your body. You have to stop paying attention to the scale.. even when you're working your anus off and you think it should be moving. Ultimately that number is irrelevant. Appreciate your body for all the amazing things it does for you. After all.. the body you have now is the body that will do all the work to get you the body you want.

This week I ran 10 minutes on the treadmill. Thats a warm up for most active people but for me it was huge. I lifted weights and then I said "fuck you" to the ideas in my head that told me I couldn't run more and I went and put in 10 more minutes running on the treadmill. My body rocks. My body is powerful. It is wonderful and sexy and whoever put the ideas in my head and in all of our heads that we couldn't love these bodies, ALL of them, can go fuck themselves. Although my stomach is huge and drapes down my midsection from constant loss and gain, although my arm fat dangles while I lift weights, although my thighs rub and chafe just walking around work and although my skin is broken out and bruised - this body is awesome. Period. I love my body and although I am getting healthier and working towards a healthier version of this body, I have made a promise to put in effort to love my body at every single weight and size I feel like.

This body is running, this body is lifting weights, this body has been through all the good and bad times and it's mine and that's that. This body is also sleeping with a really hot guy so fuck you, society! Many, in fact most people would look at my body and never wish to have it. And that's totally fine. But it's none of your business whether I love my body or not because I'm the one living my life in it so run along.

Love your body. Love it for everything that it is, everything that it can do and everything that it can be. Treat your body with respect - it will thank you! Don't let anyone tell you anything about your body - it's none of their God damn business. Love yourself - you're absolutely wonderful.

Big Love,

Wednesday, January 7

One Week of Healthy

Today marks a week that I haven't had anything alcoholic to drink, I've become more active and I've attempted to incorporate more healthy foods into my diet. I said in my last post, about my goals and resolutions, that for now I wasn't putting much emphasis on eating healthy and I'll get more into that in a minute.

I know a week isn't very long and I'm not throwing myself a party but I've seen some great changes, even in just a week and I thought recognizing them, writing them down and sharing them would be beneficial to both myself and my readers. You never know who will get inspired from a post!

So these are some things I've noticed in the past week :

I have way more energy - I go to work bouncing sometimes, even after a split shift and a work out I go back in with more energy than I had that morning. Normally I am lethargic like 90% of the time and the other 10% im hyper because Im excited to drink and go to the bar later.

My #2s are solid - For about 6 weeks before the new year I was having diarrhea every time I used the bathroom. I just thought oh well and kept on keeping on because I've had digestive issues for years and I pretty much knew it was because I drink too much and eat unhealthy. It feels amazing to be a normally functioning human and not in pain all the time. It's ridiculous how I just brushed off basically being sick all the time.

I'm generally a bit happier - I still have bad days and problems - not drinking doesn't take away the problems, it actually makes you face your problems a bit more and I have a lot of things to deal with but my general disposition is a big brighter.

I actually want to eat better - This is me getting into that topic from earlier. I find that I'm not avoiding bad food but I want to make healthier choices after and before my work outs and I feel better fueling my body with more healthy options. I still eat bad things but I am eating a ton of healthy stuff too where as I ate carbs and cheese for most of 2014. I can barely even believe the words "I want to eat healthy food" are coming out of my mouth but hey...its a new year.

I just feel better - Although Id really like a glass of wine I feel a lot better after a week of healthier food, being active and laying off the booze. It's definitely a feeling worth sticking to this stuff for.

Now.. I have to be completely honest... I SUCK at the no boys thing. Tamara says I'm breaking even because I've turned 2 boys down and I have hung out with one boy and I have plans with another Friday. I'm not looking for new guys, these are both guys who I've hung out with before and Im trying to keep it pretty casual but I definitely can admit that I' m failing at the no boys thing. I am trying to make sure it doesn't occupy my thoughts too often and Im not about to catch any feelings because thats when it all goes to shit. We will see how it goes.

Thank you for all the encouraging words I've received regarding my goals and my return to my blog - you have no idea how much it means to get a comment, inbox, like, anything! I really appreciate it :)

Big Love,

Sunday, January 4

no boys&no booze january and 2015 resolutions

My resolutions are a bit different this year. I decided to focus my resolutions and goals for the year around being a better, more well rounded person rather than just solely focusing on being skinny which is usually my goal. Yes, I'd like to lose weight, but I'd also like to work on a whole list (see below) of others things because being thin is a small, semi irrelevant part of being a human. Instead of saying hey, i'm going to lose 90 lbs this year (because lets face it, I wont) I want to focus my energy on just treating my body better in general in all kinds of different ways as well as my mind. So here's my list : 

What do you think? We will see how it goes but I think these are achievable goals and even if I only achieve some of them it will make me better. 

The most difficult for me will be to exercise and to drink and party less. I am currently on day 4 of a a month of no alcohol and although it's not so hard yet,it's only been 4 days since I drank and I think it will be much more difficult in 5 days when another weekend rolls around, I haven't drank in a week and my friends are going to the bar. I'm committed though!

You may wonder why I'm doing this and you may wonder if I think I'm an alcoholic. Honestly, I don't know. I do know that there is alcoholism on both sides of my family, I do know I love to drink and party, I do know that I have used alcohol to feel more happy, relaxed, fun etc and I do know that I get the blues for a couple days after I drink way more often than I should be. These reasons are enough for me as a level headed human being to know that I could use a bit of a break. 

I've spent a lot of sundays laying in bed with the blues. I do love to go out but it's hard on my bank account and sometimes my lows are super low. Like I mentioned in my last post, Im naturally someone who gets really down when Im sad but drinking can definitely be to blame at times and it certainly doesn't help. I feel so worthless and sad and it's really unhealthy for me. I need to get back to a place where drinking is not a 1-3x a week thing and rather a fun thing I do a couple of times a month - that is the goal. 

So for now I'm just kind of detoxing the bod, saving a bit of money and taking control of the whole partying thing. Am I quitting forever? No. Is continuing to not drink after January out of the question? No, of course not, if I feel like it's benefiting my life and it's not making me miss out on something I'd really like to do then it's very possible I'd stay sober through February and March or maybe just a couple of weeks.. I'm playing it by ear. But for now - January is booze free. 

January is also boys free... well.. I'm trying. I just have met so many idiots in the past year and I recently thought I found a really good guy and was let down by him and it pushed me over the edge. I promptly made this no boy decision because I need it. I'm not like giving up men for life or losing faith in true love I'm just making a smart, healthy decision for myself to stay away from men for a while. I just let them in and they let me down and I feel sad and wonder what the hell is wrong with me and I'm totally tired of that feeling. So No Booze No Boys 2015 is a go... until February ;) 

I'd love to know everyone else's goals - leave me a comment and let me know one thing you're working toward this year. 

Thank you so much for all the support I've received since writing my last post.. motivates me to write more. Love you all! xox

Big Love,

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