Thursday, January 29

21 Men

If you read my blog you know that at the first of the month I decided to try to do a boy free month along with quitting booze. Drinking and partying leads me to meeting a large number of the guys I happen to meet so it was much easier than it would've been had I been partying. For the most part I stayed boy free - I didn't go on dates with any new guys but I did hang out with one guy who I'd previously hung out with and had sex a couple of times (not with that guy) as I am human after all.

What led me to attempting a boy free month was a list that I had made at the end of 2014. I met a lot of guys in 2014, being in a new city surrounded by men who I had never met felt like I had unlimited possibilities. I thought I was going to move here and find the love of my life to be totally honest. I was used to being surrounded by guys who I had known all my life and who had all previously dated one of my friends. There was literally no chance of me dating in my hometown so when I moved here I went a little crazy and met and kissed a lot of boys. Unfortunately none of these guys ever had any interest in me beyond hanging out a couple times and I just kept getting screwed over. By the end of the year i had a list of 21 guys (those are just the ones who stuck out to me) I had met who had screwed me over in some way or screwed someone else over by hanging out with me.

There was the guy who I wrote about on my blog who chased me like I was some sort of dream girl and a couple months later it came out he had a serious girlfriend. There was the guy who planned to come see me 3 times and each time he stopped talking to me the week he was coming instead of just cancelling our plans like someone with character would. The guy who came to town and pretty much ruined my birthday - yeah, we never spoke again. Then there was the guy who would hang out with me, we would get along great, and once we hooked up he didnt speak to me for 6 months. Then I gave him a second chance, and didnt hook up with him, and he hasn't spoken to me since - damned if I do, damned if I dont.

The whole year was filled with guys like this. Guys who stopped talking to me because I wouldn't have sex with them, guys who stopped talking to me because I did have sex with them, guys who weren't honest about their relationship status, guys who would beg me to hang out then ignore me and even a guy who used me for money and rides and a guy who was pretty upfront about not being okay with my weight. By the end of the year I was emotionally exhausted from this and thus began No Boys January. I would like to add that I'm not perfect and I probably hurt a few guys feelings along the way too but 21 guys and not a single boyfriend? Fuck!

Right now I'm in a good place as far as being single and being okay with it. I don't want to date anyone or try to because I'm tired of getting my hopes up and being let down. Most of these guys have been a huge waste of my time and though I've learned some things in the past year, I'm cool with not wasting time and emotion on guys who's names I'll likely forget by next year. If someone came along who felt like a good idea AND gave me a bit of spark that'd be exciting but it's not something im waiting for or expecting to happen soon or ever. I will go with the flow though.

Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be in a healthy relationship or even be able to accept love from someone who treats me well because I haven't ever had a strong, healthy relationship. I feel as though I cant find anyone because maybe I don't deserve a nice guy and I just scare them all off. Mark and I loved each other very much but it was not healthy, especially in the end and I knew it wasn't what I wanted for the rest of my life. With all these guys ditching me and treating me like crap I find myself fearing that every guy I meet will see whatever it is these guys found wrong with me and run away. Im at the point where I don't want to give even the nice guys a chance because the disappointment when it fails is miserable.

I have definitely got to stop letting every bad experience reflect on me though. Yes, I will not be everyone's cup of tea, hell I won't be most peoples cup of tea, but some of these guys are just assholes. They weren't ever going to be good boyfriend material for me and some of them will never be good boyfriend material for anyone. This is their own problem and has shit all to do with me and who I am as a person. My cousin said something yesterday that made me think, she said "you never know what a guy has going on" and it was something that has been resonating with me. Just because a guy ditches me, isn't into me or whatever else doesn't necessarily mean there's something wrong with me, or that he's an asshole. It's not always about me. It just means its not the right timing for him and he could have a whole shit load of stuff going on in his own life that's keeping him from dating in general, not just from dating me.

For now I'm sticking to this no guy thing. I am talking to a couple of guys and if it develops into something then great. If a different guy comes along and he's fabulous, great. Not liking anyone feels great though and not chasing anyone feels even more great. Working out, eating healthier and not wasting time on people ( generally, not just guys) who are not a positive force in my life is so good for my soul and I feel really good these days. Taking time to focus on my health, both physical and mental/emotional is important and I think I'll be in a better place to find a healthy relationship if I'm healthy in other areas of my life.

In your experience, have you found that love comes along when you least expect it? Or are you someone who chases love until its yours? Do you find its easier to have a healthy relationship when you're good with yourself? I want you guys to weigh in on this with me!

Big Love,


  1. Oh my my...I hope and pray that someone comes along and sees all the wonderful qualities I see in you...they don't know what they are will be a question then if they're good enough for you. You will make the right person very happy and yes...taking care of you first is the most important thing. Be happy! Love you Bail XOXOXO

  2. I was in your situation for most of my 20's. Towards the end I realized that what was best for me was to be happy being single. Then if a guy came along my feelings wouldn't be hurt if he didn't like me because I didn't care. I was happy being single. It also helped me turn down guys I knew who were no good for me. Within 6 months of me not caring anymore I found my now current boyfriend and we have been going strong for 2+ years. Your time will come and you will find that guy who's right for you.

  3., how do I put sound like Taylor Swift. Why is it always YOU "getting screwed over"? You're attracting the wrong kind of guy in the first place, and then you're allowing them or perhaps encouraging them to treat you like garbage. Why not ditch this desperate boyfriend search and just live your life, concentrate on what you're ostensibly writing about (health/weight), and stop looking at anyone with a penis as your potential Mr. Right? A FWB situation might work for you but, honestly, you sound like you really really need to work on yourself and just swear off casuals for a's it benefiting you? Invest $100 in a good hitachi and give yourself SIX months on your own. And, btw, what is wrong with a guy being honest and telling you he wasn't down with your weight (and i have no idea what your weight/physical appearance is) -- it doesn't sound like he was rude or insulting, just that it wasn't his thing. Would you rather he closed his eyes and did you anyway and then told his boys how he threw a fat girl a bone and had a good laugh about it? Yeah, a lot of guys do that; be glad he didn't. Honestly...this is the first time I've ever read your blog...I'm guessing you're in your early 20s but you sound a LOT younger: everythig is everyone else's fault. You made TWENTY ONE poor choices in male companionship in a short period of time yet somehow you are blameless in all of this. You couldn't go a month without "hanging out" and hooking up with some can't get your shit together and commit to changing your lifestyle (eating habits and "dating" habits) and you're pining away for some dream guy who does. Not. Exist. Seriously...take some time. Get a good vibrator. Make some FRIENDS you can go places with and do fun, active things (I'm pegging you as a party girl/big drinker...quit that shit). Read a book that requires concentration. Commit to YOURSELF. Signed, I Was You 25 Years Ago

    1. Anonymous comments are frustrating for bloggers because we want to reply to all comments, good or bad, and when you post anonymously we can't. I'll write my reply here just to get it off my chest.

      1) I mentioned I probably broke a couple hearts but this post is about me since it's my blog so i was mentioning the times that I got screwed over. I can contact all these guys and ask them to share a heartbreak if you want. Maybe you could share one of yours?
      2) I did ditch this desperate boyfriend search..that's kind of the whole point of this post. Thanks for the extra support though.
      3) I didn't know I was only "ostensibly writing about" health/weight and I don't believe I stated anywhere that this blog was only about health and weight loss. Sorry for any confusion.
      4) I already have a casual situation going on and it is benefiting me because there are no strings attached and it satisfies my sexual appetite without getting my sensitive feelings hurt. I can certainly survive life without male attention or sex but I like sex so if a nice opportunity comes along then I'll go for it. Thanks for the advice though, it's definitely good advice, and I'm trying to work on myself as I stated in this post.
      5) It doesn't sound like the guy was rude or insulting when confronting me about my weight because I didn't tell you the situation. It was rude, it was insulting, and I didnt feel the need to bring it up but apparently I should've.
      6) Never said I was blameless, innocent or perfect.
      7) Never hooked up or hung out with "randos"
      8) I currently am getting my shit together. And I explained in this blog I gave up drinking but thanks for pegging me.
      9) I have friends and I read (you are so fucking offensive it makes my toes curl). I also already own a vibrator.
      10) I'm not pining. Stated in this blog many times I'm not looking to date.

      I highly doubt you were me 25 years ago. I would never, at any age, go onto someones blog or personal space and say things as insensitive and reckless as what you just said and insinuate things (some offensive) about their lifestyle and personality and be so bold, yet cowardly as to anonymously post them there. I have a heart and a soul. You don't know me, you clearly don't relate to me and I'm not sure that you even read the entire post so please think a little harder and read a little more coherently the next time you post somewhere. I'm sure there are blogs out there for perfect people with their lives together that you'll enjoy much more. Big Love,

    2. Also I really like Taylor Swift and take that as a compliment - she's an amazing songwriter.

    3. You go face is red and I'd presently like to fight Anonymous...might have something to do with the fact you're amazing and something to do with the day I've had as well. Love you Bail XOXO

    4. I just love you, you know that!! Get it girl!!

  4. Taylor Swift also turns her heartbreaks into millions of dollars. #boom

    Love your blog, Bail. Always. You write from the heart + you're honest to yourself and to others. Love that about you.


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