Thursday, April 30

Suzi Storm and Gold Jeans

Here I am again, at my workplace, stealing the wifi to get some writing in. I've had a couple bad days over the past week or so and I knew I had to come in and decompress. I'm not in a place where I really feel like going into details but I guess I've just been really lonely and down and writing usually helps me feel better.

Today I read a post by one of my favorite weight loss bloggers, Suzi Storm. I started reading her blog a couple years ago when she was losing 101 lbs with Weight Watchers. Since then I've followed her as she gained 100+ back, is now re-losing (shes lost over 90lbs!) and oh yeah, she has been sober for over a year now. She's a huge inspiration to me as I have lost, gained, relost, regained... you get the idea.

In her post titled "The Art Of (Re)Losing" she wrote this :

"These pounds lost now are smarter…they are wiser…they are not na├»ve…they are not there purely for vanity…they are not there for acceptance.  They have given me knowledge that I thought I knew before and have taught me things I didn’t even think I had to know.

(Re)losing is kind of a contradiction at the same time though. The biggest part of (re)losing is letting go of the past. Letting go of where you were and accepting where you are right now. It’s not focusing so much on where you want to be (which ideally is right back where you were) but where you are at that moment and how to make the next moment better."

This was something I needed to read and a way I have to start thinking of my reloss journey. I get caught up thinking about two things 1)Where I used to be and 2)How far I have to go. Lately some pictures have been popping up of when I weighed a lot less than I do now and I see now how good I looked and how happy I was. At that time I just wanted to keep losing and now I'd do anything to be that weight and maintain there. Getting to that point again is going to be a struggle and I find how far I have to go to be a bit overwhelming. When I started eating healthy again I was super casual about it and I've let myself become obsessive over it again and I need to not. 

Suzi is right. I need to let go of where I used to be and just focus on how I can be better right now and work towards being better in the future. Weight loss feels slow and like a waste of time sometimes when you don't see the scale move but deep down I know it's worth it and I have to keep working hard. The truth is that I look in the mirror and know I look different, I feel better and in the end the hard work does pay off.. I just need to be patient. 

Today I started week 4 of the Couch to 5k program. I keep thinking it's going to get easier but it doesn't - it just keeps getting more hellish. I've said it on here before and I'll say it again - I am so not a runner. When I say that and when I talk about how miserable running makes me everyone tells me to go to zumba or try a different machine. While that is certainly the best piece of advice there is for my problem, I can't help but stick to running. Running does wonderful things to my body and it makes me feel strong. I know that eventually I'll be in a place where going for a run is therapeutic and not a torture session but getting to that place is a pain in my ass... and thighs, back, shins and calves. 

As far as food goes, I eat pretty well. I generally stay away from junk food completely which is good stuff. Honestly though, it would be much more respectable if I was a super big junk food person but I'm not so much of a junk food eater as I am an over eater and a fast food eater and a pasta and pizza eater. While I certainly binge on my fair share of chips and cake, carby cheesy foods are my weakness. That being said, I'm generally staying away from those things too which is impressive considering I work at a pizza/spaghetti house. Good job, Bailey. 

In the run of the day I usually will have a breakfast of maybe fruit and granola or some banana pancakes (made with egg and banana and I actually prefer them to real pancakes) or some scrambled eggs with feta and tomato. Lunch and dinner could be a salad with chicken, quinoa salad, turkey burgers, stir fry, souvlaki, it really just depends. I try to eat lots of veggies and protein for the most part. I snack on low caloriepackaged treats, veggies, hummus, fruit, cheese, etc. I have cheats but sometimes I go a couple days without any which surprises me. 

I haven't lost anymore weight and my weight goes up and down a couple lbs through the week but Im trying not to stress over it. I think Im going to start tracking my food but I dont want to obsess over it or obsess over the scale - its something I have to constantly keep in check when Im losing weight.

I bought some goal jeans a couple week ago when I was shopping. It started out as "They only have these jeans in too small or too big for me, God Damnit" and became "these will be my goal jeans and I will have a way to track my progress without using the scale" They are a size 14 and I'm a 16/18 so it's something realistic to work towards. Funny note : for the past two weeks my cousin thought i was saying "Gold Pants" though which I find hilarious. Here is me in my "gold" pants : 

 

I love these jeans and I can't wait to wear them but I have 15-20lbs (maybe more) to go Id say before I can button them. My unrealistic goal is to fit into them when I go to see my best friend in Vancouver but that is in just under 7 weeks and it would take a miracle.. but I do believe in miracles! 

My question for you guys is this : how do you combat being obsessive over the scale, counting calories and/or points or even being obsessive over exercise? I can usually tell if Im being obsessive but I dont know how to stop myself. Any ideas? Thanks guys!

Big Love,
Bailey 

And to the person who left this comment : 



You made my fucking day. :) 


4 comments:

  1. Ok I wrote a comment and now don't see it. But anyway, I've always been thin and I've always been obsessive about exercise, the scale, calories...I can't stop either. The only time I feel I can eat anything I want is on multi day climbing trips at high altitude. You can't keep the weight on then! But since I'm not going to become a mountain guide, that's not a solution. I guess just hang in there, you have a great attitude!

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  2. Great blog Bail. If you keep going to the gym and running and eating well that is not an unrealistic goal. Plus...if they don't fit before you go you'll have a reason to keep in line while you're there. You'll be on the go while you're there and sometimes it's actually easier when you're away from your own space. Love you XOXO

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  3. Glad to read my comment made your fucking day...made me smile reading your reply... and as down as you right now I'm sitting here wishing all I had to do was lose 15-20 pounds to get into your jeans ;) xo

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  4. First off…thank you *SO* much for the love & your long time support . It really means a lot to me. And I am *SO* glad that you found something great to take away from my recent post. Those gold jeans (heehee) are an amazing anchor to help keep you focused. I’ve been using a lot of clothes to keep me back on track as well. Measuring how something feels on my physically and how I feel mentally instead of focusing on the scale & #’s has really been motivating. You know what you got to do to get back in them jeans and I don’t doubt for a second that you won’t do it. You got this!! Sometimes thinking of the bigger picture can be daunting and discouraging, so keep practicing patience and it before you know it you will be closer to where you want to be. I still can’t believe how much I have changed in a year. Taking things day by day is what has made those changes possible and made them stick. And as far as running goes…eh, that’s always going to suck, LOL!! It’s my most loved thing to hate ;) But keep going because it does get easier. I am cheering you on girl!! XOXO

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