Wednesday, August 12

The Scoop

Hello blogosphere friends and real life friends alike who support my blog - I really love you guys and I don't tell you enough! I am a lucky gal - I have such a good group of people behind me at all times and I know how blessed I am. Thank you!

I really am trying to do this blog thing more often and I'm impressed I'm writing again only 11 days after my last post instead of 11 weeks. Writing is some serious therapy for me and I always feel more content after I've made some time to do it. Today I just wanted to write a post of what's been going on and how my life is going these days.

As a follow up to my last post, I am still on the "find a guy who respects me" track and I'm quite proud of myself. Do I think I'm any closer to finding myself a guy who's good for me? No, not really. But I haven't had to deal with any bullshit in over a month and that part is totally worth it. Avoiding men who are bad for me is almost as good as finding one who is good for me. I'm lonely and I could use a cuddle but I'm doing alright!

I'm honestly too busy most of the time to think about being lonely. I don't think I really touched on this in a previous blog but I am now working two jobs. I'm still full time at Vitos but about 5 months ago I applied for a part time job at SensationO - a local store that specializes in sex toys, lingerie, etc. Although my interview went great, the job was ultimately given to someone with more experience (now that I know her, she totally deserved it - shes amazing.) A couple of months later in June, they called to offer me a part time position as a different girl was leaving and they were in a bind. I nervously accepted!

The job has been awesome for me in many ways. For one thing, it is extremely educational - there is a lot to learn. I was previously in a relationship that was complicated and instead of empowering me as a sexual being, shamed me for being one. This job has been a part of a healing process for me as that relationship left me a little fucked up and I am grateful for the opportunity to work there. It is a great change in pace -it is much more laid back than waiting on people at the restaurant. Although it keeps me extremely busy, I am happy to be working both places and I can pay all my bills which is quite lovely.

I would also like to mention that the store is amazing - if you live in the area you need to stop in if you haven't already. If you prefer to go when I'm not there for privacy, or if you'd feel more comfortable with someone you know, feel free to ask me what my hours are. This should go without saying but what happens in the store stays in the store - I would never repeat who i see in there outside of the store. It's not my style to do that nor is it my business and I truly love my job there and would not risk it.

My other big life news is that I am back on weight watchers as of two weeks ago. I'm one of those people who needs to have a breaking point - I can start every day for months but until I have a point where I just decide I'm all in, it's not going to work. I recently had my breaking point where it just kind of clicked and I decided I'd go join with two of my friends.

For the first time it's a much more relaxed and casual decision. I wasn't laying in a pile of cake and cookies half naked crying over my stomach rolls - I just knew that it was a logical decision. Basically, I am trying to slowly lose weight over the next year in time for my best friends wedding and weight watchers works. My goal is to lose 50 lbs by August so about 1 pound a week which is pretty attainable. I really have about 80lbs to lose to be at a healthy weight but I'm just starting to love my body as it is and I don't really feel the need to be super skinny - I just want to feel a little better and look nice for Tams wedding.

My first week I did what I wanted to do and lost 1.3lbs. Normally on your first week you have a big loss but my first weigh in was the day after I got over that crazy stomach flu that was going around so I knew I was already down a couple pounds. I was happy with 1.3 and I'll be happy with 1.3 any week as long as its not a gain. I went yesterday for my second weigh in and lost 5.1 which was pretty exciting. I had a really good week and I'm working hard so it was kind of fun to see it pay off.

After my weigh in, it was extremely fun to have my cheat day. On tuesdays, I don't track and I try to have something sweet and eat something I've been craving. I had pasta at lunch and it was divine then after work last night Josh and I got A&W and ice cream and it was absolutely magical. Today I'm back on track though and looking forward to next Tuesday. Any suggestions for what I should eat?

So basically life is just work, sleep, watching greys anatomy and sex and the city and eating salad. It's usually not too bad but I'll be  happy when I have more of a social life someday.

I also want to mention I'm super active on instagram these days so follow me and I'll follow you and we will be instagrammy together. @beingbaileyj www.instagram.com/beingbaileyj

Big Love,
Bailey J

PS. I'm blonde! Ish!


Saturday, August 1

(No More) Sex and The City

I've recently began watching Sex and the City from start to finish. Although I would consider it one of my favorite shows and I've seen most of the episodes before now (many several times as well as the movies over and over and over), I've never actually watched them in order from start to finish. When my roommate moved in, she brought with her an apple tv type machine that plays series and shows and movies from her computer and luckily, SATC was on the playlist.

I'm learning a lot from watching the episodes consecutively - it's like the show was written for me to enjoy, relate to and learn from. I'm a young, 20 something, surrounded by great girlfriends, looking for relationship, having sex, getting screwed over and breaking a few hearts along the way -it's extremely close to home for me. OH - and I live in a city!

What I'm noticing and taking particular interest in though, is the struggle for these women to find good relationships. Although it may just be specific to dating in New York during that time, not just dating in general, I always thought only modern dating was as complicated as it is. I figured that women used to have it easy because men were willing to commit and were decent human beings before cellphones, tinder, snapchat, pof etc came into play. Turns out that at least in New York during the new millennium (and on a tv show), dating was still super fucking shitty.

I haven't decided if this makes me feel better or worse. I think it makes me feel better. Maybe dating is just always going to be a hellish experience. It's quite a feat to find two people who work perfectly together and actually both like each other! Dating is nerve wracking, it shakes your confidence and makes you insecure. It's a lot of bullshit and heart ache and stupid decisions - which I find is true for life in general - and that's okay because life isn't perfect and if it was we'd all be bored.

People do fall in love though. It may not be easy but people fall in love, and they have happy relationships and sometimes they get married and/or they live happily ever after without the marriage part. And sometimes they get divorced and that's life - rarely do we get things right on the first try. What I'm getting at is that people have been getting married for years and meeting people and falling in love and somehow getting past that in between part where you're just constantly dating and meeting people who don't work for you and wondering if you're ever going to fucking get it right.

It's funny because when I was first writing this post (it has taken me a couple of weeks to spit it out) I was just starting this new phase of being someone who isn't dating. Now I'm this awesome place that I've wanted to be in for so long and I've tried to be in but couldn't quite get there. I'm not dating, I'm not looking to date and I'm making a conscious effort to shut down the guys who are wasting my time or who call me at all hours of the night to "hang out".

It has been struggle - I enjoy boys, I enjoy cuddles, I enjoy sex. Buuuuut, I enjoy feeling good about myself and feeling like I'm a strong, independent woman who respects herself enough to not spend time with guys who don't respect her. I've discovered that in order to meet guys who actually like me, I need to free up my time and stop spending it with guys who don't like me. I've finally started standing up to guys who I know are up to no good and saying "See Ya Later" whereas before I was afraid to say it because I knew they'd listen. Now I just want them to leave me the fuck alone.



This choice is kind of a lonely one but I feel better about it every day. I know that by saying I'm not going to hang out with guys who don't respect me or like me I'm unfortunately and sadly admitting that I'm just not going to be hanging around any guys. This sucks but so does being treated like a piece of trash - I'm choosing the option with the least suck. I'm not saying I'm never again going to hook up with someone who isnt on his way to being my husband but for now this is whats happening and what's workin'. I'm still open to meeting a good guy but I'm just trying to be less lenient on my definition of "good guy" because pretty much everyone was acing that extremely easy test up until recently. No more.

A big shout out to Carrie Bradshaw for awakening the writer who lives deep within me! Although re-watching the series has made me see shes a little more narcissistic than I had once thought, it really opened me up to writing again and I have her to thank. It has definitely been a while. Not only am I quite busy on a daily basis but as you can see I'm sorting through some deep shit and trying to work on some "me stuff". As much as Id like to keep up with that on the blog, I think I mostly just need to focus on actually doing the work and writing about it will come with time. I do hope to write more often though because it just feels so damn good.

Wish me luck!

Big Love,
Bailey 

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