Thursday, December 31

2015 : the year I grew to love myself

Today I was looking through my blog dashboard and realized a startling fact : I only wrote about 16 blog posts in all of 2015 - 13 of which I actually published (the one confessing my story of falling in love was a bit much - thought better than to post that shit). Once a month compared to up to 7 times a month in previous years blew my mind - what had changed in the last 1-3 years to make me stray from my blog?

Well, for starters, I am a much busier lady than I was when I was living on Grand Manan with not a whole lot to do besides write BUT I definitely have more than one chance every month to sit down and talk about my (many, many) feelings. I also have more chances than once a month to vacuum and make my bed but I didn't do much of that either in 2015. Deep down I know it has a lot to do with the fact that, though I wrote the least in the past two years, I had received the most negative comments on my blog in the last two years as well. As you tweet, instagram and facebook more about your blog and as more people follow your blog, the more likely it is that someone is going to disagree with you or just try to hate on what you're saying - thats just plain ole' statistics. But I hadn't ever received much negativity (by some stroke of fucking luck) and it was hard for me, especially since it was mostly people putting words into my mouth which I found pretty unfair. Alas, I pulled up my big girl panties and moved on from that (but Im still bitter and you are still rude!)

Then there were, and still are, the creepy comments on and off from a reader (or at least a person who reads my tweets and then ignores the actual message of my posts and comments regardless) that have turned my blog from my safe haven into a place where I don't feel comfortable to write any of my candid and outrageous thoughts or feelings. (How's that for a run on sentence from hell?) And how am I suppose to post pictures of myself or write about personal things when I know what I will be opening my account to quickly after? Just when I am comfortable posting again, I open my account to some totally inappropriate comment waiting to be approved. It pisses me off that I've let someone take this away from me and I'm working on moving past it.

So I haven't been writing much this year mostly due to these reasons, but I have done a lot of work on myself. Part of me wishes I had written more and documented my journey but the fact that it happened at all is a blessing. This year I worked my ass off, at least my mental ass, to learn to be okay with myself and come to terms with who I am inside and out. Being true to myself, especially in the past couple of months, has become a serious priority to me. I wanted to write about it because if it helps or inspires one person to look inside themselves and start the journey of self love and acceptance and truth, then it will be worth the time and emotion and risk of you guys thinking I've gone completely kookoo. I don't mind spilling my weirdo feelings to this blog if there's some sort of good that comes from it - the feels will be felt regardless!

I've spent most of my life feeling pretty inadequate, unattractive and a tad stupid. The moments when I felt like I may just be pretty or enough were usually alcohol induced, social media induced or the 3 days where some idiot acted like he liked me. As much as I declared, or even believed that it didn't, my own opinion of myself depended on others opinions of me - friends, peers, relatives, boys, teachers..anyone really. I did the "I dont care what people think" thing for a long time in high school and after but I totally cared and still do to a certain degree.

After years of diets and tears and more diets and even more tears, I started to come around to the idea that maybe being skinny wasn't the answer to all lifes questions and sadness. Maybe, just maybe, I could be happy and even learn to like myself if I wasn't thin or pretty or smart..if I was just plain ole' me. I think the fabulous movements being pioneered by people like Tess Holiday and Whitney Thore really helped inspire me to look beyond my obvious weight 'problem'. It started with following a lot of very strong, independent, motivated, passionate, smart women through twitter, blogs and instagram  women who loved everything good and bad about themselves and without apology. I started to discover so many plus size women who were proud of their bodies and who were sassy and fabulous and it became something I aspired to be.

I hate to say that I woke up one day and decided to be fabulous but it does sort of feel that way. I came to a big realization : my feelings about myself are completely in my own hands. I get to choose if I love myself, I get to choose if I feel pretty, I get to choose if I feel h a p p y - at least for the most part. I hate to admit it but I honestly had been waiting for some guy to come sweep me off my feet and I thought Id just automatically start loving myself and feel beautiful. I was living in a dream world - I needed to love myself first, not wait for someone to give me the fucking go ahead. Ironically, almost any guy I met in the last couple of years had made me feel worse because I attracted men who didn't respect me because of my own lack of self respect.

So I started working on myself because it turns out that's where it all starts. I knew I had to do it for me and without anyone else's approval or help. I wanted to truly believe it and see the good in myself. I knew it would take some time but the fact that I have awesome family and friends who see good in me pushed me to find it for myself. (I seriously cant thank the people who love me enough.)I know it sounds silly but I started giving myself serious pep talks. I would often strip naked, look in the mirror and tell myself I was beautiful and worthy and I did it over and over and over and I still do it, especially when I'm feeling not so fierce. Fake it til you make it people.

I started buying clothes that made me feel good and I didn't buy clothes that "girls like me" should wear to hide the undesirable parts of myself. I bought whatever I thought was cute and wanted to rock. I took pictures of myself and I immersed myself into the plus size instagram diva pool and disregarded anyone who thought I was using too many hashtags. It felt good to be a part of something so positive and other peoples confidence was totally contagious.

Now - I know that being and/or feeling beautiful is not the most important thing in the world. The first part of my journey had a lot to do with feeling good about the outside and I realize that 1)this is not important to everyone and b) feeling good about who you are on the inside is equally, if not way more important than being down with how fabulous you are on the outside. If you don't care about being or feeling like a sexy lady or man, that's totally reasonable - I just personally enjoy feelin' like a sexy lady and this is my blog so I wrote about it. I believe you need to find what makes you feel good about you, what gives you purpose and pride and then hone in on it and work on flexin' that muscle. It was important to me to feel cool with my body and in my own skin so it was certainly a focus when I started this journey and will be something I always strive to feel good about.

Like I said though, there's lot's of work to do on the inside too and I do know that and value that. I have definitely taken some steps that I'm super proud of. My big issue is, and has been, that sometimes I don't feel worthy - worthy of being treated well or finding a nice guy or having the things I want or worthy of feeling all this lovin' Im trying to have for myself. I'd be a liar if I said that I haven't had a ton of weak moments- those are always going to happen. Do I have bad days? Absolutely. I have days where I look in the mirror and just cry because I can't think of one fucking thing that is good about myself and I wonder if anyone is ever going to love me (most of these days are period induced.. I am a wild woman before my period) But I rise above that shit because there's no use in feeling that way about myself when I have to live life as Bailey, in this body for the rest of my life. What good does it do to wallow in self pity?

So that's why when I do the ole naked affirmations I tell myself I am worthy - because we are all worthy of happiness and love. We deserve to see the good in ourselves and we deserve to be privy to the beautiful imperfections we possess. A large part of discovering and evolving my own self worth is being the best me possible. It is important to me, going into 2016, to start working towards being a version of myself that is aligned with who I would like to be - the best version of me. This includes being kinder to myself and to others, working harder, creating goals and working towards them, focusing on my important relationships, being generous, lifting people up, removing myself from toxic situations and relationships and hopefully getting really nice eyebrows at some point (very crucial to being a great me). I'd also like to work on being a little stronger and maybe not so sensitive (but I don't see that happening in the near future lol).

In order to make my life a little more positive, I've had to make room for it. I have tried to start doing things that I am so not used to doing such as standing up for myself, being a little more strict on who I let into my life - specifically men who I'm interested in dating and letting friendships that maybe weren't serving me or the other person anymore fade away instead of wasting energy into keeping them alive. I have realized it's not selfish to surround yourself with people who are good for you and who you are good for - its healthy. Standing up for myself, other people and what is right is something I hope to focus more on going into 2016 as well.

I realize that not everyone is going to be supportive of how I evolve as a person. The people who I love and love me back, who support me and are down with the person I am and will become will be around and I hope to attract and meet even more people who will be healthy and compatible for me and my journey as a person. The people who aren't? Well they will just naturally grow apart from me if I haven't told them to leave me the fuck alone before it happens naturally. I've decided that this is cool with me and though sometimes it can suck a bit, its generally for the best.

In summation, after this very long speech, I just want anyone reading this to know that its all up to you. The power lies within you - how you feel about yourself, how you let people make you feel..its up to you! Yes, you are going to hurt and be hurt, we are human after all. You can let yourself drown in it or you can have your moment of being hurt and then rise above it. Most importantly, you deserve to rise above the shitty things that happen, and maybe even the shitty things that you do. You deserve to grow as a person, you deserve to move on, you deserve to feel worthy because you ARE worthy and you deserve to feel happiness. We all do and the power to do so lies within us.

And YES I know I sound like a bit of a hippy on a wild trip but I'm a hippy who is cool with herself and loves herself and is able to love everyone else more because of it. Life is still going to be shitty and bad things are going to happen but these things are so much easier to deal with when you are right with yourself and you've found yourself worthy of surrounding yourself with good people to help you through those shitty times. I'm willing to sound crazy to some in order to provoke a powerful realization in others. People are gonna know I'm a little crazy anyway, it may as well be for a purpose.

So that's where I'm at as we enter the new year. I think New Years Resolutions are a little silly and we rarely stick to them but I do think it's a great time of year to feed off the energy of possible change and evolution and if you wanna hop on the train to a better, stronger, more confident, smart etc you, its a great time of year to do so! There is no time like the present.

Thank you so much to the people who love me and do not stifle me in the least. I seriously have the best friends and family and even acquaintances ever, I am a very lucky lady!

Big, ginormous love,

Created by MyFitnessPal - Free Weight Loss Tools

previous blog entries.